Sunday, September 23, 2007

picture yourself on a beautiful day big bell bottoms and groovy long hair

Lavelle Crawford on Last Comic Standing, "Grandma, sit down. I have something to tell you."
Grandma: "Just don't tell me you're gay."
Lavelle: "Gay? Please. I get tired just bending over to tie my shoes..."
BTW, Crawford was robbed. He was WAY funnier than winner Jon Reep.

Gilbert Gottfried: "I wonder how the Amish plan their day? 'What do you want to do today?' 'I don't know. Stand by the road and frown?'

Little Female Offspring #7 came to me last night all worried about Halloween being cancelled. She said, "If we don't have Halloween can we still go trick or treating?"
I said, "Of course, you can. We don't have to give out candy to get cand--WHOA." Lordy, why didn't I think of this before?! I could buy candy to give trick or treaters like I usually do, only keep it all for myse--for the offspring. THEN pimp them out trick or treating around da 'hood and really rake in the sugary treats. Halloween is going to be sooooo sweet this year! Literally.

I was watching all the brouhaha about the President of Iran, Mahmoud Whatevernisnameis speaking at Columbia and a thought occurred to me. There's a very easy way to get rid of all these evil world leaders. Invite them to speak in the United States and hire illegal immigrant security guards.

Someone asked the celeb Q&A dude from Parade magazine if he thought Star Jones was doing any better on her new Court TV talk show and he replied, "The only thing Star has proved as a solo talk-fest host is that Walters waited too long to get rid of her." OUCH!

I asked Jay where he gets his "days" information and he said he got it from a friend at the Federal Bureau of Miscellaneous Information, and I'm thinking, "That has GOT to be a joke." Yes, the entire time I'm Googling it, I'm thinking it was just B.S. It sounded too stupid to be true.But it wasn't. LOL!
Look at the tidbit I found there: "Women gain weight when they move in with a boyfriend because their diet deteriorates, but men begin to eat more healthy food when they set up a home with a female partner." Those BASTARDS!! How dare they eat healthy?!


Shrink Wrapped Scream said...

Oh darn, don't depress me, Halloween is only a hop and a skip away from Christmas (sigh). Why am I always so surprised when the year starts to run out?

SpongyBones said...

Halloween, can't wait time to scare all the kids and steal their candy!!! Damn I'm in my twenties and still do that! Sad man I am.

I think we should invite them all over to speak at the UN. Oppps guess we had a flaw in our secuirty dept our bad. Please accept this gift of money, oh wait you already recieved the gift. Go on now, time to hold a democratic election and vote for a new leader ...

~Fathairybastard~ said...

Gilbert is a genious.

B.T.Bear (esq.) said...

I remember that Iranian guy's name by thinkin "I'm a dinner jacket" then if you change the last bit to "dad" you've just about got it-

"I'm a dinner j'ad"

if you say it quick enough it sounds the same, and impresses people, cos they don't know how to say it either.