Lavelle Crawford on Last Comic Standing, "Grandma, sit down. I have something to tell you."
Grandma: "Just don't tell me you're gay."
Lavelle: "Gay? Please. I get tired just bending over to tie my shoes..."
BTW, Crawford was robbed. He was WAY funnier than winner Jon Reep.
Gilbert Gottfried: "I wonder how the Amish plan their day? 'What do you want to do today?' 'I don't know. Stand by the road and frown?'
Little Female Offspring #7 came to me last night all worried about Halloween being cancelled. She said, "If we don't have Halloween can we still go trick or treating?"
I said, "Of course, you can. We don't have to give out candy to get cand--WHOA." Lordy, why didn't I think of this before?! I could buy candy to give trick or treaters like I usually do, only keep it all for myse--for the offspring. THEN pimp them out trick or treating around da 'hood and really rake in the sugary treats. Halloween is going to be sooooo sweet this year! Literally.
I was watching all the brouhaha about the President of Iran, Mahmoud Whatevernisnameis speaking at Columbia and a thought occurred to me. There's a very easy way to get rid of all these evil world leaders. Invite them to speak in the United States and hire illegal immigrant security guards.
Someone asked the celeb Q&A dude from Parade magazine if he thought Star Jones was doing any better on her new Court TV talk show and he replied, "The only thing Star has proved as a solo talk-fest host is that Walters waited too long to get rid of her." OUCH!
I asked Jay where he gets his "days" information and he said he got it from a friend at the Federal Bureau of Miscellaneous Information, and I'm thinking, "That has GOT to be a joke." Yes, the entire time I'm Googling it, I'm thinking it was just B.S. It sounded too stupid to be true.But it wasn't. LOL!
Look at the tidbit I found there: "Women gain weight when they move in with a boyfriend because their diet deteriorates, but men begin to eat more healthy food when they set up a home with a female partner." Those BASTARDS!! How dare they eat healthy?!