Saturday, September 08, 2007

mamas in the kitchen with the mac and cheese

Because I worked two days of overtime a week or so ago and had a little extra $ after paying the bills, I divvied up the money amongst the offspring and told them they could spend it on whatever they wanted. The older female offspring bought CD's and Male Offspring #1 bought a magazine subscription to a "Psychology Today," otherwise known as "Playboy."
So I took a gaggle of kids to the mall yesterday to let them spend their money. Male Offspring #5 immediately bought another Bible. What he's going to learn in this Bible that he hasn't learned from the 32 other Bibles he's bought is beyond me.
Male Offspring #4 ran to the craft store and bought ...sigh...more twine. What can I say? At least I know what to buy him as gifts.
Male Offspring #6 picked up the "Ultimate Gum Kit."
I said, "Let's see if I have this right, you want to pay $29.95 for a kit to make gum, which costs about fifty cents a pack."
He said, "Smart, huh?"
I know I told them they could buy whatever they wanted, but I felt I HAD to talk him out of this one. I said, "How many packs of gum do you think you could buy for that $30?"
He thought a minute, then said, "At least ten."
Hmmmm. I'm thinking that money might be better spent on a math tutor.
Female Offspring #2 wanted "My First Purse" so that she could have a "big girl" purse like mine. I checked the contents: empty wallet (just like mine), lipstick (unmelted--not like mine), debit card (a what now?),
plastic keys that don't open anything (ditto) and a worthless cell phone (just like my Tracfone). This purse didn't have: gum/candy stuck to the bottom with various coins lodged in it, 50 receipts for diet pepsi and a Snicker bar, or three bottles of diet pills just like mine. It did cost $14.95, though, and that's what I paid for my purse, so that toy was a keeper.
Male Offspring #3 wanted the computer game "Fetch," in which you can adopt a virtual dog. He pointed out that he had six breeds from which to choose from and could do all sorts of fun things with the dog online, like walk it and teach it tricks.
I said, "Ummm, don't we have a REAL dog at home? One that you refuse to walk, never play with or train?"
Forgive me, Father, for I am practical.
Male Offspring #6 ditched the "Ultimate Gum Kit" and decided he had to have the "Super Rocket and Balloon Set Pump". For $22.95, you
get a pump that will blow up a balloon and then release it to zip around the room. Then you do it allllll over again. I asked him if he had ever heard of these little known, underutilized things called "LUNGS". He was clueless.
I nixed Male Offspring #7's idea to buy "Walter the Farting Dog" for $30. Of course it came complete with a farting dog. Hell, for $30 he ought to fart. He ought to bring me breakfast in bed, too. But farting offspring are bad enough.
I replaced that book with "Oh, Yuck the Encyclopedia of Everything Nasty" for $17. He might as well learn something about his snot and belly button lint.
How much ya wanna bet it will be the most read book in the trailer?
Male Offspring #6 dumped the balloon thingy and was set on the "Duck Shooting Gallery." Weird, but when I was a kid we had one of these things. Ours didn't cost $50 though, so I nixed that idea. He said, "Ok, give me money towards a BB gun then." I said, "No, because I value my eyeballs. And those of my offspring." He left the store with ten packs of gum and I barely escaped with my patience.

It's really big of Apple to offer a ONE hundred dollar refund to the people who purchased an iPhone, considering they are dropping the price by TWO hundred dollars. And how clever of them to issue a refund in the form of a store credit and not cash.

I was listening to CNN yesterday afternoon because f'ing tennis was on instead of The Young and The Restless.
(Damn you tennis for forcing me to catch up on current events! Damn you to hell!) I heard that they expect a new tape from Osama Bin Asswipe to surface around the time of the anniversary of 9/11. They said that in a recent picture, Osama looks heavier and is sporting a "newly darkened" beard. Osama must have stocked up on "Grecian Formula for Terrorists" before he went on the lam.

I was absolutely saddened to hear one of my all time favorite Stevie Ray Vaughn
songs, "Pride & Joy" being used on a lousy Nissan Altima commercial. Sigh.


Mushy said...

Yep, they lose control over the song rights when they die...for some reason it works that way!

"I'm her little lover boy!"

Lin said...

Wow, so you remembered back to how hard that was to fill your very own first purse? Now I use the skid steer with auger attachment to clean mine out - oh how times change. But I did keep the Vernier calipers in case of any wicked ear itches.

Shrink Wrapped Scream said...

Why aren't your kids all out earning their own cash by now? Stop spoiling 'em, let them live in the real world!

*Goddess* said...

Mushy, wouldn't the rights of the songs revert to the family or his estate? I was figuring they sold him out because it's him singing. Not jingle folks.

*Goddess* said...

My purses never get cleaned out, Lin. They get tossed into the trash at that point;)

I deliberately bought a small purse this last time so I COULDN'T carry that much around with me anymore. My sister buys HUGE shoulder bags. I think she gets them at the feed store....

*Goddess* said...

Because of those crazy little things called 'child labor laws,' Carol...LOL!

H2o said...

I'm with ya on tossing the purse. I stoped carrying one due to the crutches.

Mushy said...


It was a joke!

*Goddess* said...

*WHOOSH* That's the sound it made going right over my head;)

*Goddess* said...

So help me, if they us "Change It" on a Pampers' commercial, they're DEAD!!

*Goddess* said...

Becky, you mean you're not carrying your purse around the house like the Queen Mum??? LOL!

Anonymous said...

Y&R question: Why is Phyllis going to jail? What did she get caught doing?


*Goddess* said...

Phyllis found out that Brad and Sharon spent the night together (they were both married to other people at the time) and she used that information to blackmail Brad into voting the way she wanted when it came time to put a new member on the board of Newman Enterprises. Phyllis' loving mother-in-law Nikki found out and she forced Brad to expose Phyllis, despite the fact that it was Nikki's daughter Brad was married to when he had the one night stand.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, so, who cares about bedroom politics? What crime was she charged with and why did she get a heavier sentence than most child molesters?


BBC said...

Hey, is this satire? Because only an idiot would buy a bible. Hell, only an idiot would read a bible. Well, maybe not, innocent people picks up bibles and reads them and then become idiots.

The only thing a bible is good for is if you are out of ass wipe or need something to start a fire with.

I like music, and I won an Ipod last week or so. But I'm not going to bother to learn how to use it, there is enough crap in my head.

I'll give it away, maybe I could trade it for some sex, hum, there is an interesting thought.

It sure is a crazy world, isn't it?

*Goddess* said...

Because Phyllis used the affair to blackmail Brad for her own financial gain. Of course she SAID it was for her husband's gain. They were backing the Clear Springs project and they voted Neil on the board because they knew he backed the project, too, so because she stood to gain financially....they charged her.

It was insane. She should have gotten community service and/or house arrest. Like she needs to be in the same jail with murderers.

*Goddess* said...

Hey, now, Billy, that's my offspring we're talking about. He's not stupid. It's his prerogative to buy what he wants.

An iPod for sex? Hmm, I don't know how much you're gonna get out of that. Maybe a handjob?

SpongyBones said...

"Psychology Today," otherwise known as "Playboy." -- Damn why didn't I think of this when I was a kid!