Because I worked two days of overtime a week or so ago and had a little extra $ after paying the bills, I divvied up the money amongst the offspring and told them they could spend it on whatever they wanted. The older female offspring bought CD's and Male Offspring #1 bought a magazine subscription to a "Psychology Today," otherwise known as "Playboy."
So I took a gaggle of kids to the mall yesterday to let them spend their money. Male Offspring #5 immediately bought another Bible. What he's going to learn in this Bible that he hasn't learned from the 32 other Bibles he's bought is beyond me.
Male Offspring #4 ran to the craft store and bought ...sigh...more twine. What can I say? At least I know what to buy him as gifts.
Male Offspring #6 picked up the "Ultimate Gum Kit."
I said, "Let's see if I have this right, you want to pay $29.95 for a kit to make gum, which costs about fifty cents a pack."
He said, "Smart, huh?"
I know I told them they could buy whatever they wanted, but I felt I HAD to talk him out of this one. I said, "How many packs of gum do you think you could buy for that $30?"
He thought a minute, then said, "At least ten."
Hmmmm. I'm thinking that money might be better spent on a math tutor.
Female Offspring #2 wanted "My First Purse" so that she could have a "big girl" purse like mine. I checked the contents: empty wallet (just like mine), lipstick (unmelted--not like mine), debit card (a what now?),
plastic keys that don't open anything (ditto) and a worthless cell phone (just like my Tracfone). This purse didn't have: gum/candy stuck to the bottom with various coins lodged in it, 50 receipts for diet pepsi and a Snicker bar, or three bottles of diet pills just like mine. It did cost $14.95, though, and that's what I paid for my purse, so that toy was a keeper.
Male Offspring #3 wanted the computer game "Fetch," in which you can adopt a virtual dog. He pointed out that he had six breeds from which to choose from and could do all sorts of fun things with the dog online, like walk it and teach it tricks.
I said, "Ummm, don't we have a REAL dog at home? One that you refuse to walk, never play with or train?"
Forgive me, Father, for I am practical.
Male Offspring #6 ditched the "Ultimate Gum Kit" and decided he had to have the "Super Rocket and Balloon Set Pump". For $22.95, you
get a pump that will blow up a balloon and then release it to zip around the room. Then you do it allllll over again. I asked him if he had ever heard of these little known, underutilized things called "LUNGS". He was clueless.
I nixed Male Offspring #7's idea to buy "Walter the Farting Dog" for $30. Of course it came complete with a farting dog. Hell, for $30 he ought to fart. He ought to bring me breakfast in bed, too. But farting offspring are bad enough.
I replaced that book with "Oh, Yuck the Encyclopedia of Everything Nasty" for $17. He might as well learn something about his snot and belly button lint.
How much ya wanna bet it will be the most read book in the trailer?
Male Offspring #6 dumped the balloon thingy and was set on the "Duck Shooting Gallery." Weird, but when I was a kid we had one of these things. Ours didn't cost $50 though, so I nixed that idea. He said, "Ok, give me money towards a BB gun then." I said, "No, because I value my eyeballs. And those of my offspring." He left the store with ten packs of gum and I barely escaped with my patience.
It's really big of Apple to offer a ONE hundred dollar refund to the people who purchased an iPhone, considering they are dropping the price by TWO hundred dollars. And how clever of them to issue a refund in the form of a store credit and not cash.
I was listening to CNN yesterday afternoon because f'ing tennis was on instead of The Young and The Restless.
(Damn you tennis for forcing me to catch up on current events! Damn you to hell!) I heard that they expect a new tape from Osama Bin Asswipe to surface around the time of the anniversary of 9/11. They said that in a recent picture, Osama looks heavier and is sporting a "newly darkened" beard. Osama must have stocked up on "Grecian Formula for Terrorists" before he went on the lam.
I was absolutely saddened to hear one of my all time favorite Stevie Ray Vaughn
songs, "Pride & Joy" being used on a lousy Nissan Altima commercial. Sigh.