Wednesday, September 05, 2007

i just wanna dance with you

So I received an invite to Quechup.com and I was half-assedly filling out the profile. I NEVER tell the truth on those things. Not even my name. The funny part was when they asked you your weight. The options were: slim, athletic, medium, cuddly, well built, large, overweight. That's it. I'm penciling in "fatty, fatty, 2 by 4, can't get my ass through the door." That'll learn 'em. They even asked your income: low, moderate, high. Why? So some lame ass gigolo can troll the site and pick up on rich, lonely chicks? I checked "high", and where it said "occupation" I penciled in "drug dealer," which would account for the high income, but only because the "high class hooker" option wasn't available. (Ya know, if this was MySpace, there would be a cop at my front door right now, search warrant in hand...) It pisses me off when they ask all this sort of stuff on these "social networking" sites. It's nobody's damn business but MINE.

The offspring are furious with me because I canceled Halloween. Yep, no more "is my costume hott or not apaloozas" like we had in 2005 OR in 2006. I'm not shelling out my hard earned money on expensive candy, only to eat it days before Halloween arrives. Quite frankly, I don't think my ever burgeoning waist can handle another year like last year. So, yes, the kids will suffer for it. Bite me. Not like they're out there campaigning for me to get that "Mother of the Year" trophy anyway. When I see some movement on that front, then I'll worry.

I was watching one of those new prison shows on Court TV. The guards were moving a prisoner and they made him strip, while they viewed him through the window. The guard was like, "Lift your left arm....right arm...turn around...lift your nuts for me." OY. What hetero guy wouldn't LOVE that job?

Speaking of prison shows, guess who I saw on one of them? Jesus! That's right, Jesus. And he was in prison for conspiracy. Ya think ya know your Lord and then ya find out something like this.

Have you seen the Airwick commercial with the giraffe? She talks about her kids and then it shows two little wart hogs. How does a giraffe have wart hogs for offspring? Unless she's the Angelina Jolie of the giraffe world....

6 comments:

BRUNO said...

Ain't that the commercial where she straightens the picture on the wall of a centipede---which I assume is her husband?

Euww!!! Either way, even I don't want to know how THAT came about! Maybe he got a head-full of warthog sperm and---UH-UH! Don't wanna know! Don't ask, and don't tell.....!

*Goddess* said...

Hmm, so a giraffe mates with a centipede and they have wart hogs....wth?! Who writes this bull shit? Probably the same people who gave all the cows in "Barnyard" male voices....

SnapShawt said...

Yeah, having them lift their nuts ain't the funnest part of it, but you'd be surprised what we've found. Even more interesting is the squat and cough to force out anything that might be in their rectum. And if something does poke out, we take them to medical to have it removed. Oh could I tell you stories about what some guys have shoved up their butts to try and get in the jail.

*Goddess* said...

Hey, that would make for a great post while you're laying around recuperating;)

Being an avid COPS fan, I've seen the syringe and dope up the ass. The uncapped syringe totally grossed me out. Ugh, the possibilities....

SpongyBones said...

I wonder if the prison guards, giraffee, or if Jesus fills out the option, cuddly, on their profiles! WTF is cuddly, or do I even want to know!

*Goddess* said...

I think "cuddly" is "fat, but I refuse to admit it".