Sunday, September 30, 2007

ride, ride, ride, let it ride

OMG!! I can't wait to start slapping up October clip art tomorrow!!

The garage repair dude was here yesterday for a grand total of 15 minutes replacing the extension springs on my door.

I know they charge for the first half hour--$58 then $25 for every fifteen minutes--regardless of how long they work,
but he hands me the bill and says, "You'll be charged for 45 minutes worth of work."
I said, "Why? You only worked for 15 minutes. I understand being charged for the first half hour, but why the extra 15 minutes?"
He said, "Because you're charged from when I leave my last job."
I'm like, "WHAT?!"
He said, "The minute I leave my last job I start charging you for your job. It took me a half hour to get here. Add to that your 15 minutes and that's where we get 45 minutes."
I said, " First of all, why should I pay $58 for your drive time? You're not here working. Secondly, how do I know how long it's taken you to get here?"
He shows me this paper and says, "That's how long it took."
Aaaah, so if it's on the paper, it MUST be true!
I said, "And I'm supposed to just take your word for that?"
Long story short, I called the office and bitched, and the guy said, "Oh, maybe he thinks he's supposed to start charging the minute he leaves his last job."
Gee, where would he get an idea like that?
I said, "Oh, is this his first day?" No, I didn't bother to reign in the sarcasm. And I only have to pay for the first half hour. My guess is
they try it with every customer and if you don't say anything, they pad their pockets for doing nothing. After the guy was finished with our work, he stood around gabbing
with our neighbor who is interested in the same sport he is. I guess the next poor sap will have to pay for that.

Fun times ahead for Mr. G and his sister. They moved his mother to a rehab center to build up her strength for 20 days and hopefully, she'll be strong enough to come back home. Personally, I don't think she WANTS to come back home. It's like Mr. G said, she CHOSE to isolate herself at home, not wanting the Meals on Wheels people to come around or the people who could clean and help bathe her, and now she's lonely and enjoying the attendants fussing over her. Mr. G had been going to the hospital quite frequently, and the one night he stayed home, his sister arranged to have their mother moved to this rehab center 30 miles away. He is livid. There was a rehab available right across the street from the hospital and one a few streets above the hospital and that would have only been a 14 mile trip. She's been trying to get his mother into this rehab from day one. Personally I think she has a bf on the side, and this will give her a convenient reason to be away from home and in that town all the time. Also, conveniently it's only about a ten mile trip for her when she's coming home from work. In all of this, she's talking about having her mother stay permanently at the home right next to the rehab. Talk about deaf with a one track mind. But Mr. G isn't having it.
I'm actually glad I'm working this weekend with all the phone arguments they've been having. I said, "Your mother is only there for 20 days and you can call, despite the fact that it's long distance, so why are you really so angry about all of this?"
He said, "I'm angry because I can't trust my own sister not to go behind my back and pull shit like this when I'm not around."
Truth is it's always been this way which is why we've had very little contact over the years except for deaths in the family.

Some thoughts occurred to me as I watched the COPS 20th season special. As far as hott cop screen caps goes, sorry, ladies, but it was a piss poor episode for the officers. In some segments, we didn’t even see the cops, we just heard their voices. I was rather disappointed in the whole episode.
I am SHOCKED at how many episodes I’ve seen, and how many cops I recognize by sight. The food fight episode makes me LMAO every time I see that guy peering around the door with the flour and eggs all over his face. The officer’s line about them "going through the entire condiment section" is hilarious. The segment where the cop says, "We’re 61 with the naked guy," and you hear the dispatcher repeating, "61 with the naked guy" is a hoot.
In all the 20 years, there is only one cop I can’t stand. I can’t stand him to the point that I turn off the tv when his segments come on, and I don’t even know why. It’s terrible to instantly judge like that. I need a good spanking. But not by him. I don’t like him. And no, I won’t say his name, but he’s from Des Moines.
See if you can guess;)
None of the "Fan Favorites" were my favorites, and awwww, I didn’t see the segment Officer Pilutik asked us to vote for. Damn. He didn’t make it. But a car going around in a circle with no driver was a fan favorite? Yeah, real interesting.
And Jerry Dalton should STOP wearing shorts. His legs are too skinny. There I said it.

here's something you'll never forget

I heard this song on the way home from work this morning and it put me in a goooood mood;) Enjoy!

Saturday, September 29, 2007

more whine with your msg?

FHB sent these jokes and they were too damn funny not to post...thanks!

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a
particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman
who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out
my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this
money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?
""No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless
woman told me."Will you use it to go shopping instead
of buying food?" I asked. "No, I don't waste time shopping,
" the homeless woman said."I need to spend all my time
trying to stay alive.""Will you spend this on a beauty salon
instead of food?" I asked."Are you NUTS!" replied the
homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!
""Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead,
I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me
tonight."The homeless Woman was shocked. "Won't your
husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty,
and I probably smell pretty disgusting. "I said, "That's okay.
It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after
she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."


A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin.
Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as
her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My
darring, he whispers, "
I know dis your firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise
you, I give you anyting you want,
I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask... so...
whatchu want?"
he says, trying to sound experienced and w orldly, which he
hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and
eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try
someting I have heard about from other girls... Numbaa 69."

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a
puzzled tone he asks her...

"You want... Garlic Chicken with steam vegable? "

Friday, September 28, 2007

we're off to see the wizard

It's Friday and I am SLEEPING IN!!! I already told Holly to jump up on the bed after Mr. G leaves for work and hunker down next to me. We're not leaving that bed till they bomb us out. It's been a loooong week. I miss my seven days off every other week, but I'm grateful to have a job so I'll take what I can get.

I'd love to know who the guy is that narrates "Forensic Files" on Court TV. He's got perfect voice for the show. He knows exactly when to add some inflection. "....did she run away or was she murdered?" If I turn the tv on in the middle of an episode, the minute I hear his voice, I know exactly what show I'm watching.

I did not realize until last night that my Blogger profile showed me as living in Afghanistan! LOL!! Now I'm wondering how long it's been like that. It also said I was an accountant. Accountant? I can't even balance my doggone checkbook.

And now because I know you can't stand the suspense a moment longer, I received two automatic reply emails from the Hairy Husky Bears saying the mods were in Iraq. Oh, yeah, fighting in Iraq NEXT TO FEMALES!! Females that aren't allowed in their stupid little club. That's it. I'm taking my toys and going home.

I was watching some of Michael Moore on Oprah yesterday. Frightening, frightening stuff. She was talking about people WITH health insurance who are having coverage problems. One man needed bone marrow treatments and his insurance company said they would pay up to the $150k limit on his policy and the hospital told him they couldn't go forward until he came up with the rest of the money, which was something like an additional $200k. He has since gone blind in one eye, and is still trying to raise the funds. He's only 25 years old. Another insured woman who is on a breathing machine most of her day because of scleroderma needs a stem cell transplant and her insurance refused her because they consider it "experimental" even though they've been doing them for 7 years now. They need $160k.
Princeton University professor Uwe Reinhardt, one of the nation's leading authorities on health care economics, said it would cost about a hundred billion, the equivalent of 9 months in Iraq to get a system of health care coverage for every one in the country up and running, and we've been there 5 years. Please, President Bush, please keep pumping those funds in to Iraq so we can make it better and stronger, because we certainly don't need the money here. Sad irony? Moore said the people serving in the military are the very people who need good health care but often don't have access to it.
Professor Reinhardt went on to say that the American people need to decide whether health care should be like public education--something every American has a right to--or whether it should be a luxury, available to those with money. I think it's really hard for the American people to DO anything when we have a President who is sending all our monies overseas. For instance, the Congress wants to extend and expand CHIP, and Bush says he'll veto it. He said it would send more families into government insurance and away from employer offered coverage. What happens when the government program for free is better than the one you're paying for? And what happens when you're spending more on gas and food and can't afford to pay for coverage for your children, despite the fact that you're working?

I saw a man on "Inside American Jail" Thursday night who was homeless and had skin cancer on his face. Of course he had no coverage and he had been wandering around Vegas, getting arrested time and time again so he had a place to stay. He had been arrested over 120 times. It's pathetic that a person has to get himself arrested to have a roof over his head in the United States, and that's ignoring the fact that the man has to walk around with skin cancer because he can't afford health care. It makes me queasy watching these sorts of shows. There but for the grace of God go I, I guess. Michael Moore said over 50% of the bankruptcies in this country occur because of medical bills. To know that one illness could cause you to lose everything is one hell of a scary thought. Oprah hit the nail on the head when she said that you're the most vulnerable when you're sick and to have to worry about coverage at a time like that is awful. It's downright demeaning, as well.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

every mother's nightmare

You think you're doing right by your daughter and this is what you're met with.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

ask me about my wiener!

<--The rendering plant employee in me CRIES when I see something like this!! Knowing I can't be there to witness this glorious wiener spill makes me sad.

An overturned semi-truck spills rotten hot dogs, sausages, and other processed meat on I-471 South this morning.

The accident happened just south of the Southgate exit. The highway is shut down as crews try to clean up the mess.

No one was hurt in the crash.

Local 12 has a crew on the scene. The truck appears to belong to Griffin Industries, which is headquartered in Cold Spring and bills itself as the largest independent, privately-owned animal and bakery by-product recycling company in North America.

Thanks, Bugs! She totally knows how to make me laugh first thing in the morning.

right here, right now, there is no place i'd rather be

I read that a judge is granting Mary Winkler supervised visits with her children. I hope that's all she gets. I hope this is not a prelude to her getting full custody.
She didn't get therapy for her own marital problems. She solved them by murdering her husband. A judge cannot POSSIBLY think she'd be a good influence on these children.

I was once again filling out the McDonald's $1000 a week customer survey.
Here's one of the statements I had to rate: "The $1000 weekly prize incentive was motivating to me." One of the responses was "Don't know."
If you don't know if you're motivated by $1000, you need your head examined.
THEN the question that makes me GMAO every time I read it: "What would be more motivating to you?" The choices are: "larger sweepstakes, less frequent chances to win; smaller sweepstakes, more frequent chances to win; A DONATION TO RONALD McDONALD'S HOUSE CHARITIES; A DONATION TO A CHARITY OF YOUR CHOICE; something different." Please. I consider myself to be a generous person, but no freaking way am I taking the time to fill out a survey if the money is going to some charity that will probably only use about 5% of the money for the purpose it was intended. I could use that cool thou myself.

Oprah was discussing sex yesterday on her show and one of the topics on a recent survey she did was porn. 50% of the male AND females said that porn impacted their lives. 78% of the 50% of women said that it impacted their marriage in a POSITIVE way. So Oprah's like, "Well, I've done shows on this subject in the past and had many women on the show who said porn has ruined their marriage. What's changed?"
NOTHING has changed. There have always been women who like porn. The fact is that porn ruining marriages makes for a much more dramatic show,
which equals more ratings. Nobody wants to hear, "We love porn!" It's not titillating enough. She also said one out of every four dollars spent on porn is spent by a woman. I don't know if that's a true figure or not, but it's about damn time women step forward and admit they like porn. Women who hate it have always been given a public forum for their views on talk shows. RARELY do you ever hear a porn positive show with women. Nice to see things are changing for those of us women who enjoy porn.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

the he man woman haters club

It ain't fair, I tells ya!!! There's a Yahoo group called Hairy Husky Bears that I wanted to join and these are some of the rules:

You (MUST) Put Your Age & Gender In Your Yahoo Profile.
This Is A MALE (MEN) Only Group.
HHB Rules Are: NO SPAM.
No Trashing/Bashing No Kids Pictures.
No Women Crap. No Women Allowed

NO WOMEN CRAP?! NO WOMEN ALLOWED?! Where are we? Some Arab state?!
Too bad these close minded MEN don't realize that there are WOMEN who like to look at the same sorts of pictures they're posting and I should know since they linked to one of MY sites! They should also know that we DON'T all post cutesy forwards about friendship and Jesus. And yet, *I* can't join. I felt obligated to email.

I wrote:
So I'm looking for groups to join and I came across your group on Yahoo. I'm a member of *******, and I thought your group looked promising.
When I tried to sign up, I came across this:

No Women Crap. No Women Allowed

You do realize that there are lots of women who enjoy gay vids and looking at the same types of pictures you guys do, right? And we don't all post "women crap" like cutesy forwards. Some of us just like to look at the pics.


BTW, when I said, "promising," I meant "a site that would give me more pics to jill to." Don't worry, I'll tell you if they respond because I know the majority of you will not be able to sleep not knowing;)

you know i could never stand for this

Congrats to FHB and South for guessing that TV's Most Memorable Character was....drum roll, please....Archie Bunker. When I was watching this show, and I've seen it on others of the same ilk, they started waxing poetic about Mary Tyler Moore and how Mary Richards was such a fantastic "role model" for single, working women. I shudder to think that ANY TV "character" is a role model. They're fictional, for Pete freaking sake. While I watched Mary Tyler Moore frequently--I LOVED Betty White's character, as well as Ted Knight's character--I often found myself more annoyed with Mary Richards than anything. She was boring, she was wishy washy and I'm thinking
she was more than just a 'gal pal' to Rhoda.
(wink wink)
If we're naming TV characters as 'role models', I think Julia was more of
a role model to single, working women, as well as Marlo Thomas' That Girl
character. Hell, that chick deserved a medal. She managed to please
not only her bf, but her father as well! Good luck there.
Funny little tidbit, I read in a book written by one of her former
employees, that Marlo Thomas has one of the foulest mouths around. LOL!
I think that's hilarious because she always acts so sickeningly sweet.

I got to see only a few minutes of "Super Troopers" on Sunday.
Stacey recommended it when way back when I had
NetFlix. I have to admit, I thought the dude that played Farver(Farva?)
was kinda cute and looked like a state trooper.
I see that it runs a lot on Comedy Central, I'll have to
see the entire movie next time.
I just found out that the Hallmark Channel ran my FAVORITE
CHRISTMAS MOVIE, Season For Miracles, in the last few
weeks, and I missed it!! Boo. Hiss.

We went to the hospital to visit Mr. G's mother the other day,
and they put her breakfast tray on her cart then very nicely left the
cart about three feet away from the bed. Oy.
By the time we got there and fixed the tray for her, the meal was cold.
And this isn't the first time we've run into this.
When Mr. G's dad was in the home, he went to visit one Sunday, and
there was a woman close by who was trying to feed herself,
but every time she'd put the spoon to her mouth, her arm would turn to the
side, and she wouldn't get any of the food. Mr. G said there was an
attendant standing there with his arms folded watching
everyone and not bothering to help. It's really upsetting to see those sorts of things
because you know your relative has probably been (or will be) in the same
position at some point and at the mercy of an attendant who doesn't give a shit.

"Screw you guys! I'm going home!"

Monday, September 24, 2007

watch out for falling prices...and smart ass greeters

Teri sent this hee haw:

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids. She was screaming & yelling obscenities, cursing loudly at the children all the way through the entrance and she continued yelling as she walked into store.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly "Good morning, welcome to Wal-Mart. Cute kids you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say to the greeter, "Hell no, they ain't twins! Oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7, why in the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind or are you just plain damn stupid?"

"I'm neither blind, nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just can't believe you got laid twice.
Now you have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

I was had!

I knew it sounded too goofy to be true.

Jay writes: "hehe, the "FBMI" is a gag on Letterman. Friday nights he usually has a
bit called "Late Show Fun Facts" tha starts off with a couple real
(The average human brain weighs 8 pounds) and quickly turns into fake
facts (Milton Berle's mother's sister's kids called him "Cousin Milty")"

LOL! He got me good....

glitches and bitches

I am remiss in thanking David and Terry for their help with Blogger. I asked David how he added the bookmark widget under each post and he forwarded my request to Terry, who helped him set it up. (I think;) Anyway, there was weird glitch with my template that wouldn't allow me to add the widget. My gf Terri was here and when we tried to set up a blog in her name, using the same template, it came up entirely different even though we were both using new Blogger. Grrrrrr...stupid glitch. I tried reloading mine and it still didn't work, but I greatly appreciate the help from both of you gentlemen!

It is with a very sad heart that I post that I am about to bite into the last watermelon of 2007. Nooooooooo! I lurves me some watermelon.

I was rather disappointed in the 19th season premiere of The Simpsons Sunday night. I don't watch the show much anymore because it's not that funny, but Stephen Colbert was the guest and I'm a big fan of his. I should have gone with my first instinct and skipped it. The beginning was funny, though, when Homer came running onto the couch and saw his pig. He cradled it lovingly and said, "My summer love". Funny because The Simpsons movie this summer involved Homer falling in love with the pig.

While I'm posting this drivel, there are two cats on the front porch fighting. Neither one of them are mine, and I think that takes a LOT of nerve. I stepped out briefly to "mediate" (aka tell them to get the hell off my porch, BUT in a loving 'don't make me buy a gun' kind of way) and the little brats hissed at me as if I were the intruder.

My aunt--the wacko goose lady--sent me this. She said she thought it would look nice in the front yard. Yes, and soooo classy. I'll put it right next to the burned out stove that doubles as flower pots. She sent my sister a beautiful U.S. flag. She gets flags, I get a big ass pig ass. Sigh.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

picture yourself on a beautiful day big bell bottoms and groovy long hair

Lavelle Crawford on Last Comic Standing, "Grandma, sit down. I have something to tell you."
Grandma: "Just don't tell me you're gay."
Lavelle: "Gay? Please. I get tired just bending over to tie my shoes..."
BTW, Crawford was robbed. He was WAY funnier than winner Jon Reep.

Gilbert Gottfried: "I wonder how the Amish plan their day? 'What do you want to do today?' 'I don't know. Stand by the road and frown?'

Little Female Offspring #7 came to me last night all worried about Halloween being cancelled. She said, "If we don't have Halloween can we still go trick or treating?"
I said, "Of course, you can. We don't have to give out candy to get cand--WHOA." Lordy, why didn't I think of this before?! I could buy candy to give trick or treaters like I usually do, only keep it all for myse--for the offspring. THEN pimp them out trick or treating around da 'hood and really rake in the sugary treats. Halloween is going to be sooooo sweet this year! Literally.

I was watching all the brouhaha about the President of Iran, Mahmoud Whatevernisnameis speaking at Columbia and a thought occurred to me. There's a very easy way to get rid of all these evil world leaders. Invite them to speak in the United States and hire illegal immigrant security guards.

Someone asked the celeb Q&A dude from Parade magazine if he thought Star Jones was doing any better on her new Court TV talk show and he replied, "The only thing Star has proved as a solo talk-fest host is that Walters waited too long to get rid of her." OUCH!

I asked Jay where he gets his "days" information and he said he got it from a friend at the Federal Bureau of Miscellaneous Information, and I'm thinking, "That has GOT to be a joke." Yes, the entire time I'm Googling it, I'm thinking it was just B.S. It sounded too stupid to be true.But it wasn't. LOL!
Look at the tidbit I found there: "Women gain weight when they move in with a boyfriend because their diet deteriorates, but men begin to eat more healthy food when they set up a home with a female partner." Those BASTARDS!! How dare they eat healthy?!

memorable tv characters

Bravo ran a show called "The 100 Most Memorable TV Characters." The Top 5 were:

5. Homer Simpson

4. Fonzie

3. Lucy

2. Ralph Kramden

1. You tell me .... I'll post the answer later.


Anybody watch Ugly Betty? I have a couple questions...

Saturday, September 22, 2007

three minutes from heaven

Hmm, let me see if I can figure this Mattel thing out. They apologize to China saying the problem with the toys is THEIR fault in order to keep a good working relationship with China. Then the Chinese product saftey chief reminds Mattel that "a large part of your annual profit ... comes from your factories in China. This shows that our cooperation is in the interests of Mattel, and both parties
should value our cooperation. I really hope that Mattel can learn lessons and gain experience from these incidents."
More importantly, I hope the American consumers learn that Mattel is willing to cut corners on toy safety as long as they make a profit.
And I hope they remember it this coming Christmas season.

Favorite headline of the day:
"Laser Surgery In Wrong Hands Can Be Dangerous."
Really? Damn. Guess I'm gonna have to call
my auto mechanic and tell him to cancel my Lasik surgery.
And I was so looking forward to the oil, lube and eye job discount he was giving.

I was at the hospital visiting my mother in law yesterday and I arrived at bath time. I was standing out in the hallway right outside her room and I could hear the two nurses who were attending to her.
One was talking about some new guy she met and the other was talking about how much she liked sex with the guy she's dating.
She went on to stress how good he was in bed and how much better he is than the last guy she was living with.
I can't help but wonder what in the world these two were thinking discussing such a private issue in public?
Anybody going in and out of that room (or visiting the other patient) got an earful. And trust me, my M-I-L was NOT happy with the conversation either.

Wow. Critics are really hating "Good Luck, Chuck." The guy who reviewed it on CNN said Jessica Alba should never speak in movies again and Dane Cook should quit acting! And he wasn't joking either. Now that is harsh.

Speaking of Hollywood, before her own nudie pictures surfaced, Vanessa Hudgens was asked what she thought of Britney's mess.
She said, "It's easy to stay out of those situations. You just have to be smart about your decisions." Pot? Kettle? Either of you want to weigh in on this one?

Screw you guys! I'm going home.

another great commercial

it would be more popular than Home Depot

and we'd always know where to find our men...
"C'mon, kids! Daddy's in the 'rifle aisle'!"

Friday, September 21, 2007

the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me Go--ouch! lightning really stings

I know I swore to the offspring that I was not going to do Halloween this year. Hey, I'm sorry, but when your cigarette ash is dropping into your trick or treat bag, it's time to HANG IT UP. And anymore, most of the "kids" that turn up on my stoop are in their LATE teens.
Anyway, I got a catalog in the mail today that has miniature Bibles. If I buy in bulk, I can save $. I am soooooooooooooo tempted to pass out Bibles on Halloween, along with a lecture on the evils of devil worship....and diabetes. LOL!

Hats off to the kid in PA who was caught smoking marijuana DURING class.
And they say drugs affect your judgment. Come on.
I'm trying to find the news story link, but I'm not having much luck.

My friend C.P. asked me if I wanted to stop by after work this
evening for a piece of venison lasagna. Thanks, but noooooooo thanks.
I'll eat cow, I'll eat groundhog, but I draw the line at eating Bambi.

I saw a commercial on tv the other day and the woman was talking about how her grandmother baked fresh bread every day because that "was how Grandmas showed their love."
Wrong. Grandmas show love by including you in their will. The higher the figure, the deeper their love, and don't ever let anybody tell ya otherwise.

Ok, I confess: I like the Macy's celebrity ridden commercials. They're funny and hip and really groovy.

I was reading an article that said folks with Type 2 diabetes benefit greatly from taking a daily multi-vitamin and mineral supplement.
Their chances of getting an infection are dramatically lower than those of their counterparts who do not take the supplements, so get yourself started on a good vitamin/mineral supplement. It's an inexpensive way to protect yourself.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

goddess is climbing onto her soapbox

Let the rant begin....

People, it's bad enough that the greeting card industry and the candy industry rushes us from one holiday into another, must we do it, too? Halloween occurs in late October, and it's perfectly acceptable to start decorating October 1st, if you so desire. Slap out some of those corn stalks and decorate with the cutesy pumpkins......IN OCTOBER because Halloween does NOT begin the third week in September!!!

As if the card and candy bizzes hounding us isn't enough, now the lightening industry is getting in on it. Christmas is the season for decorating with lights, hence the term "Christmas lights". Suddenly I'm seeing red lights on Valentine's Day, green lights on St. Paddy's Day, and red, white and blue lights on the 4th of July. NOW orange lights for Halloween?! What is wrong with you, people? I spent days unraveling my big ball O'Christmas lights. When will the stupidity end? When I've wasted countless hours unraveling my big ball O'Grandparents Day lights? My big ball o'Friendship Day lights? Or my big ball O'Garbage Day lights?

Now IF you want to give more of your hard earned money to the electric company for Halloween, that's perfectly acceptable to begin doing so IN OCTOBER. I know, for I shall be slapping up so much clip art on my site that there will barely be room for posts. But I won't start until October 1st because anything else would be overkill.

Ok, I'm outtie. I want to start my Christmas shopping...

it's a beautiful day in Pennsylvania

"President Bush said Wednesday that a law hastily passed in August to temporarily give the government more power to eavesdrop without warrants on foreign terror suspects must be made permanent and expanded." Goodbye, Freedoms. We hardly knew ye.

It's a gorgeous, quiet day here today. Temps are in the low 70's and low humidity. Perfect kind of fall day. The dog is snoring in the corner and I have the whole neighborhood to myself. Unless everyone else is in their trailers drinking themselves into a stupor. Hmmmm, that doesn't sound like a bad idea.

There's one downside to being married a long time: I can't get my husband to rise to the bait. (Get your minds out of the gutter. I can get a rise out of that bait just fine, thank you very much.) He planted radishes earlier this summer and he's been waiting for them to ripen. Yesterday, I said, "Bad news. Your radishes still aren't ripe. I know because I yanked one and it just broke off at the top. I figured that must have been a fluke, but 20 yanks later, I figured they weren't ripe." All he said was, "I'll give you something to yank."

Already the media is turning this whole O.J. thing into ANOTHER circus. The first one was bad enough (not to mention LONG enough) to last a lifetime. Of course, after seeing the live coverage of the hearing this morning repeated about fifty times, I realize it's a lost cause. Once again, we're destined to see his mug on TV for weeks or months to come.

Don't read this paragraph if you're eating...
I was watching yet another prison show last night and learned about an "interesting" aspect of prison guards job. They did a surprise cell raid when they found out one prisoner had drugs. Just before the officers made entry into the guy's cell, he swallowed something and they put him on "contraband watch." What a lovely job that would be. They put the guy in a cell, stripped down and placed in two white jumpsuits, taped up at the arms, legs, and waist, and then they sit there watching him until he goes to the bathroom three times clean. Then the "lucky" prison guard gets to go through the crap and find the contraband. There wouldn't be enough air freshener in the world to get that stench off of you. One prisoner actually lasted THIRTY DAYS without going to the bathroom. I had to go just watching the damn show. The prisoner that was featured last night had been in contraband watch just fourteen days prior. He defecated, was able to get a shank of some sort out of his anus and was attempting to RE-SWALLOW it when the guards caught him. UGH. What really stuns me when I watch these shows is how they'll interview a prisoner and he'll be all sickened by a child molester who is in prison with him, and then you'll find out he's there for murdering one (or more) people. Makes no damn sense.

Do you know what this is? It's a METAL shank a prisoner had UP HIS ASS.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

tuesday night roundup

I wish I was an artist so I could paint the moon tonight. It was the perfect Halloween moon. The moon was in the first quarter and bright orange. The sky was dark blue behind it and there was an orange haze
surrounding the moon. Words don't do it justice. It was gorgeous.

We need to get our garage door repaired and I was calling around today TRYING to
get some guesstimate as to how much it will cost us for the extension springs and labor. I called one lady and asked how much they charged for the service call and she said, "We don't charge for the service call.
We charge by 15 minute increments. If we were there for an hour and fifteen minutes it would be $82."
They expect me to do the math? Fuck that.
I said, "How much do you charge per 15 minute increments?"
She said, "We charge $52 for the first 1/2 hour and the cost goes up for every fifteen minutes after that."
Geez, what am I? Psychic? Goes up by how much? And why is it so difficult to find out what service calls cost anymore?

Now Merck is recommending teenage BOYS get the Gardasil vaccination for cervical cancer saying that they could get throat cancer if they have oral sex with a girl who has HPV. What's next? Giving it to men and women who want to have kids so they don't give birth to boys and girls who are at risk of getting HPV when they grow up?
Makes about as much sense since girls can have HPV that never turns to cancer.

be still your beating hearts....

All you Nicole Petallides fans who keep coming to my site to access the two pictures of her that I've posted will be thrilled to learn that she was just named one of the four new anchors for the Fox Business Network.

FOX Business Network (FBN) has named Peter Barnes, Jenna Lee, Nicole Petallides and Cody Willard as anchors, announced Kevin Magee, Executive Vice President, FOX News.

Nicole Petallides joins from Bloomberg Television where she was an anchor for Bloomberg Business Report and Bloomberg Market Update, based at the New York Stock Exchange. Before this, Petallides was an assistant producer for CNBC's live daily reports from the New York Stock Exchange. Prior to CNBC, Petallides was a producer with Dow Jones Television's The Wall Street Journal Report with Consuelo Mack, Asian Business News and European Business News.

fashion police, arrest this woman!!

What in the world was Hayden Panettiere thinking when she wore

<--this mess to the Emmy's? There's enough material in that

overblown garbage bag for three dresses.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

this is weighing heavy on my mind

I don't know whose idea it was to have a circular stage at the Emmys, but it gets a BIG thumbs down from me.

There were people all around the stage, so matter where an actor was facing, somebody had a view of his/her ass. I'm sure the weight conscious actresses were loving every minute of it.

Plus, they had to keep turning around to address the people behind them. Dumb.

how clothes minded can ya get?

When I become a filthy rich writer OR strike it big in the lottery, my husband is going to be in for HUGE sticker shock when I hit the stores.
I was showing him the article about the rich dude from West VA, and I said, "You don't know how lucky you have it
being married to me. Every season this guy's wife and granddaughter would buy all new wardrobes."
Mr. G said, "What?! You bought a brand new wardrobe the beginning of summer."
Me: "I went to WalMart and bought five different colored t shirts for $6.99 each."
Mr. G: "I know. That's what I'm saying."

goddessville reader, COME ON DOWN!!

I was watching The Soup and they showed a clip of porn chick Tabitha Stevens and her parents on Dr. 90210. (Hell, the porn chicks probably account for a large part of his business.)She was acting all goofy dancing for her mother and dad, then she lifted up her shirt and flashed them. That's just creepy. I mean, how damn desperate for attention do ya have to be to flash your own parents?

I guess they're taping the new season of The Price is Right several weeks in advance. They interviewed Drew Carey on the set on ET Friday and I caught some of it.
He said the most bizarre thing that's happened so far is some chick peed her pants
onstage....yikes. That IS bizarre. At least, I hope she won her game.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

sun shining bright above me

This is an interesting development. I was reading a website I peruse daily and
this headline caught my eye: "Vigilantes Kill TN Pornographer's Wife."
This "pornographer" was actually a man who was charged with having child porn.
Since when are the words "pornography" and "child pornography"
used interchangeably? There's a HUGE difference.

I had a hideous night last night. I stayed overnight at a friend's house, and I woke up around 2 a.m. to miserable stomach pains. I had a hamburger around 8ish and apparently my stomach wasn't too thrilled about that. (It still isn't.) This friend lives near a business and their compressors kept releasing air (or whatever the hell they're doing) about every 15 minutes. So it was like a loud "pppsssssshitttt" sound. 'Bout drove me nuts. Then some sort of machine started running around 3:30 and it ran for at least a half hour. It sounded like one of those air compressors that they have at the convenience store to fill your tires with air. By the time the compressors went off at 5 a.m., I was wide awake. UGH. How in the WORLD this business ever got approval to build smack dab in the middle of a residential area is beyond me. I live out in the boonies, in a QUIET neighborhood. I don't know how people can stand this sort of thing on a daily/nightly basis, but I guess they get used to it. Case in point, when I mentioned the noise to my gf, she said she never heard it. Sigh.

My boss was watching Entertainment Tonight last night and there was a story on Howard K. Stern. He was talking about how much he missed Anna and Daniel. I hate to be the cynical bitch in the group--too late--but I find it hard to work up sympathy for this guy. He sold every damn bit of tape on Anna and himself that he
could even though it often made her look foolish, and he used that baby to continue garnering attention for himself after Anna's death. Now he's using his grief for attention. Speaking of using the baby, that Birkhead asshole really needs to get a damn life. The ET commercials run during the noon news and he is on almost every freaking day. I feel for that child because you can see from his
actions that he will use her and her name for his own personal gain for the rest of his life.

I was reading an article about a man from West Virginia who won $315 million in the Powerball five years ago. In the article, he blames every problem he ever had on this lottery money, even though he was very wealthy to begin with. He says that his life turned into a nightmare when his wife left him, his
granddaughter died and people were constantly hounding him for money. I read this article because I am always
surprised at how the press goes after these hard luck lottery stories. When was the last time you read a story about
someone who won a huge lottery and was able to spend the rest of their lives doing good for others and
for themselves? Yeah, me neither. And yet I'm willing to bet there are some out there. Another reason the story interested me is
because I mentioned winning the lottery once to my mother and she immediately said, "Your life would be ruined!"
Where do these ridiculous attitudes towards wealth come from?
For every down on their luck lottery winner, there are successful RICH, HAPPY people on this planet.
It's like the media thrives on saying "See? All that money is EVIL!! Oh, yeah, and the Powerball jackpot is up to $40 million so make sure ya buy a ticket."
But I read through the story and this is what I discovered: the man admitted to SEVERAL "indiscretions" aka affairs which were made public,
being a drunk and having gambling problems. He had two DUI's. He went to a strip club with more than
a half million dollars in his vehicle and was shocked when someone stole it. Who the HELL walks around
with that kind of money on them?! On his worst day of boozing, he drank a fifth of vodka.
Yes, CLEARLY the lottery money was the root of all his evils. As for the sex, a private affair is one
thing for a wife to deal with, but when you're such a horndog the whole city is finding
out about your bidness, then that's more than a tad difficult for a woman to deal with because now you've made a public fool out of her as well.
I think the money provided his wife with a GREAT opportunity to get out and find herself a good man.
God forbid this guy should take a little personal responsiblity for his actions.
Then he said his granddaughter died because of a drug problem. He blames the money for her death because
he said she received kidnapping threats, so she had to be home schooled and that led her to run around
with an older, problematic crowd. I'm not real clear on how one plus one equals an Ocycontin habit, but it's what he said.
If you're filthy rich and you're receiving kidnapping threats, you get yourself a body guard or two, you don't take up drugs.
OR you take several classes in self defense from a private instructor which you can afford because of said filthy richness.
The piece mentions that the family has NEVER wanted for anything, even before he won the lottery.
His 17 yr old granddaughter had SEVERAL cars and every season she got a new wardrobe.
Hmmm, might the constant ass kissing and his apparent lack of the ability to say "NO" have led to her drug problems?

Wow. I have never seen so many unruly offspring in one place in my entire life. I actually thought I was in for a mutiny in the trailer yesterday. Male Offspring #5--the Jebus lover--told his siblings that he was going to use his birthday money and buy them presents. Imagine their surprise when he handed them all rosaries, holy cards AND a biography of a saint. Then he said, 'The wonderful thing is I bought each of you a different saint's biography so you can read each other's books." One offspring even suggested they round up all his religious action figures and burn 'em, along with his talking Jesus doll. When I heard this, I was pissed. I'm like, 'HEY! I paid a lot of money for that garbage! Don't you DARE burn any of it or you'll answer to me! But if you do burn it, make sure you grab that St. Peter doll. His self-righteousness is getting on my last nerve..."

#1 female dog name? Maggie

Ok, I'm going back to bed to get some REAL sleep.....

Friday, September 14, 2007


Bugs sends this truly heartwarming story. The gurl knows that deep down (deep, deep deep down) I'm sappy & sentimental!

I don't usually like these heartwarming stories, but this one is truly

In 1986, Mike Membre was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing
with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so Membre approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a
large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Membre worked the wood out
with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on
its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Membre stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Membre never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years
Membre was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned
and walked over to near where Membre and his son Cantri were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Membre, lifted its front foot off
the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times,
then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering
the encounter in 1986, Membre couldn't help wondering if this was the
same elephant.

Membre summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his
way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared
back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around
one of Membre's legs and raised him high into the air and slammed him
against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.

leave britney alone!

Remember that video I posted the other day of Chris Crocker boo hoo'ing about everyone leaving Britney alone?

Check out Seth Green's (The Soup) response. And yeah, Chewy was right. That WAS a guy.

Seth Green Chris Crocker Outtakes

welcome to the diner, jimmy dean jimmy dean

Wow. Those prisoners must luv themselves some sausage in New Mexico....

wake up, maggie, i think i got something to say to you

When I got home from work Thursday night, I wanted to do what every woman wants to do after a hard day's work: curl up with my husband and watch a good porno gangbang.
Richard Freeman sent us a DVD from Jules Jordan that looked very promising. It was Feeding Frenzy 8, meaning somewhere along the line there were seven other DVD's Richard has not sent me. Hmm, I wonder what that's all about? We sat down around the old laptop, slapped in the vid and PRESTO! Not a damn thing happened. I cleaned it and tried again. Ten tries later I decided to shift to the desktop. BTW, I think Bruno & Mushy were right: the my problem is not with my
monitor because the DVD played in the desktop. We don't have much patience for "film making" when it comes to porn, though. So don't waste our time with fifteen minutes of the chick admiring her own ass in shorts in the mirror. It was funny though, cuz my husband was like, "damn, nobody's cum yet." LOL! As if that wasn't obvious to me, too. All in all, the movie was "inspiring" and "a rousing" success. Thanks, Richard!!

I stopped at McDonald's on the way home this evening because they had a bunch
of BOGO coupons in the paper this past weekend, and with the porno and sex, no way was I the kitchen. I told the guy at the drive thru what I wanted to buy and I said, "I have coupons." He said, "Oh, we can only accept one coupon per visit."
Forgetting that he could hear me, I said, "Oh suck it" under my breath, but loud enough to be understood. It wasn't until I pulled around to the window and he was falling all over himself to apologize that I realized he'd heard. I said, "I know it's not your fault, but it's ridiculous for them to expect us to make a trip for every one of these coupons. I'm not doing it, and
when I fill in their survey, they're going to hear about it.
I stop here for the convenience and it's NOT convenient if I have to make several trips."
And another thing, the doggone food was cold. Ya come home after a long day of work, watch porn, have wild monkey sex only to find out that your sammich has gone cold in the meantime. Sigh.

I saw a Christian on tv complaining about Kathy Griffin's "suck it, Jesus," comment and asking why the Christians don't seem to be outraged by her comments.
I think the reason for that is because anyone who is even vaguely familiar with Kathy knows that she will say and do anything to get attention. People like that seem to drive away the very attention they seek. I've always liked Kathy, but there comes a time when attention getters become more pathetic than funny, and she's quickly reaching that point in my mind.
Maybe it's because I'm seeing so much of her lately due to her Bravo show. Over exposure.
I consider myself to be a Christian and I thought nothing of her comment, because I never take anything she says seriously for the aforementioned reason. I find Kathy's comment rather ironic, though, because I know that if a fellow actor made a disparaging comment about "her gays", Kathy would be livid. I'm still glad she won the Emmy though. That doggone Dog Whisperer sure as hell didn't deserve it...

I heard a few minutes of Matt Lauer in Tehran this morning. He said that the men there are permitted to have four wives, but alcohol is forbidden.
Well, good luck dealing with FOUR women in the same house without alcohol to dull your senses.
I have a distinct dislike of the Arab culture, and I find it hard to get passed that when they treat women like second class citizens.
This is a bitch I have about romance novels with Arab heroes.
They ALL do that "oh, women are second class citizens in THAT Arab country, but NEVER in mine" sort of bullshit. Matt said that when he got off of the airplane there were two exits: one for men and one for women. That just annoys the piss out of me. If it wasn't for women giving birth, those assholes wouldn't even have their precious sons or their precious power.
And yet, instead of treating women like queens, they're treated like garbage.
They have to be covered from head to toe in public, yet the men are allowed to wear short sleeves and go without covering their heads. Grrrrrr....

According to a Scarborough poll, Pittsburgh has the largest base of female football fans.
34% of Steeler fans are female. Go Stillers!!

What do you think the number one name for female dogs is?
Answer tomorrow.

Wow. The whole Mary Winkler thing gets more interesting the more I read. This morning I read that when Mary picked up the gun she didn't think for one minute that it was loaded. So let's recap: she was so terrifed of her husband that she picked up a gun that wasn't loaded. What was she going to do? Smack him over the head with it? Uh huh. Right.
As far as the sex goes, I heard this morning that she NEVER told him she felt humiliated by it.
How the HELL is a man supposed to know you don't like what's happening in the bedroom unless you tell him? I guess Mary's method of problem solving is: suck it up, suck it up, suck it up, murder your husband. I really feel she got away with murder.

who knew a bare chested man toting a Bible could look so sexy?!

Speaking of calendars....well, damn!

as Cartman would say, "that is so not cool"

Knowing that it was just a matter of time before I started buying hunky cop calendars for 2008, my beloved husband presented me with this little gem...............

Thursday, September 13, 2007

might as well face it you're addicted to love

I was watching Mary Winkler's interview with Oprah Wednesday afternoon. Mary is the Tennessee woman who shot and killed her preacher husband, then went on the run with her kids.
She said he was verbally abusive and wanted her to do things sexually that she found to be humiliating, and that he often flew into rages.
Mary really had to think about all of her answers, and I was surprised by her total lack of emotion. For instance, Oprah asked her about some of the things that made her husband rage. She gave that a lot of consideration, and she still couldn't come up with believable answers. If this was a daily occurrence the way she claimed it was, I would think she'd know what set him off. If I was so enraged that I shot my own husband, I would think I'd be pretty clear on WHY.
She said he asked her to dress in sexy outfits and he wanted her to have anal sex. Ok, I don't get what's so damn upsetting about your husband wanting you to dress sexy and act out scenarios in the bedroom. It's YOUR bedroom. It's not out on the front lawn having sex in front of the neighbors. And he is asking YOU to spice up your sex life. He isn't out having affairs. Granted, the anal sex isn't cool if you've made it clear you don't want to do it. Unless I misunderstood, she didn't seem to say
he forced her to have the sex, so much as he WANTED her to. I missed a little bit of that part of the show, so I'm not sure if she clarified that.
When she shot him, Mary said she came into the bedroom with a shotgun and
she just wanted to talk to him but the next thing she knew, she heard the gun going off. And yet, the phone was unplugged so no one could call 911. That doesn't indicate spontaneity. That indicates forethought.
When Oprah ask Mary what she wanted to tell her husband she said she wanted to tell him to "relax and enjoy life." You want to tell your spouse to relax and enjoy life, but you shoot him and leave him to die instead? There's a head scratcher for ya. It was so matter of fact. She never shed tears, she never showed remorse. She was very detached and she could have been giving us the weather report instead of relaying the facts of her husband's death. I saw a woman on Oprah not that long ago who had been physically and verbally abused, and she was crying the entire time she talked to Oprah, even though it had ended months prior with her husband being arrested. More often than not, abused women CRY when they talk about what they've gone through. The fact that you were pushed far enough to kill your children's father, well, you'd think you'd have SOME emotional response to that. Mary's attorneys think her kids need her and she needs them, and that they should be together. She hasn't seen then in over a year. But I agree with the woman from Court TV who said that Mary had chosen to deal with her problems with violence and while her kids might benefit from spending some time with her, she didn't think Mary deserved full custody at this point in time. Oprah also showed court room testimony from the late preacher's mother in which she said, "You have never apologized to the children for killing their father. They deserve that much." She never apologized on Oprah either, or even intimated that she was sorry for what she had done. The whole interview was bizarre.

Stephen Colbert was discussing the Senator Craig sex sting and how everyone wanted to land an interview with the police Sgt. who arrested him.
Here's some of the really funny conversation:
Stephen: "Karnia is the one interview everyone in news wants, but no one can land. Well, tonight, I have what we call in the biz a "get". A Colbert Report
exclusive interview......Sgt. David Karsnia ......would not return my calls. But we have someone right here on the staff
of the show who has intimate knowledge of the Sergeant.
Please welcome Colbert Report executive assistant Katie Bruggeman."
"How do you know Sgt. Karsnia?"
Katie: "He is my ex-boyfriend."
Stephen: "When was this?"
Katie: "Pre-school."
Stephen: "Were there any signs even back then of a talent for operating a sex sting?"
Katie: "Well, he did kiss me in the toy box once."
Stephen: "The toy box? Is that code for bathroom stall?"
Katie: "No it was an actual toy box."
Stephen: "You got caught? Were you then forced to resign from preschool?"
Katie: "No, but Miss Star said we couldn't go to circus day."
Stephen: "Do you think, and have you ever thought, that Miss Star
planted David Karsnia in the toy box to try and trap boy kissers like you? If Karsnia were here now, what would you say to him?"
Katie: "Um, I guess I'd say, 'Hi Dave. Say 'hi' to your mom and dad for me and don't talk to the press for any reason."
What's really funny is that as she's saying this last bit, the caption at
the bottom of the screen says, "Former Crush Still Carries Torch."

I have to laugh when I hear guys on tv talking about how their woman is always planning their
weekend for them. I'm always telling my husband to just relax and take it easy, and stop doing so much work on his day off.
Hmm, obviously one of us is doing this all wrong.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

faith + 1

South Park re-ran one of my favorite episodes tonight, Christian Rock Hard. The boys are trying to make an album and Cartman thinks they should make a Christian album because "It's the easiest crappiest music in the world, right? If we just play songs about how much we love Jesus, all the Christians will buy our crap!" The guys boot him out and he makes his own Christian album. His songwriting formula? "All we have to do to make Christian songs is take regular old songs and add Jesus stuff to them. [some sheet music is shown. Cartman has already crossed out the original author's name] 'See? All we have to do is cross out words like "baby" and "Darling" and replace them with 'Jesus'."

while I'm alone and blue as can be, dream a little dream of me

Another brilliant statement by Kanye West. He said of the Britney Spears opening number at the awards show: "Man, they [MTV] were just trying to get ratings, and they knew she wasn't ready and they exploited her." Ya know, he's right. Britney might be old enough to get married (a couple of times) and old enough to have kids (a couple of times) but clearly she is NOT old enough (or mature enough) to stand up and say, "I am not ready for a public appearance. I thought I was, but I'm not. Thanks for the opportunity, but no thanks." Kanye also said that HE should have started off the show with "Stronger" or HE should have ended the show instead of Justin Timerblake, Timbalin and Nelly Furtado. Hmmm, apparently West has no problem with MTV "exploiting" him, huh?

A big YAY! to Kathy Griffin for winning an Emmy for her show "My Life on the D List." And they're going to censor her speech. She said, "...a lot of people come up here and thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus." She went on to hold up her Emmy, make an off-color remark about Christ and proclaim, "This award is my god now!" My guess is her "off color remark" included the word "fuck". It always does.

There are times I don't think our health care system could get any more fugged up than it is. Yesterday afternoon I saw an ad on tv from a lawyer's group asking people who had taken Avandia and Actos to become part of a lawsuit against the drug manufacturer, and YET they are still dispensing BOTH of these drugs. "As many as 200,000 heart attacks and deaths have been caused by Avandia since it was approved by the FDA" and it's still on the market. This is one of the stupidest things I've heard in a long time. They dispense drugs that aren't safe and sue because these drugs are unsafe at the same time. Only in the United States.

and I thought I didn't have a life.....

I kept waiting for the punchline. Doesn't seem to be one...

Monday, September 10, 2007

porn in the u.s.a.

I hope Ronald and Megan Dible are grasping their striking while the iron is hot(t) to speak. Ron is the ex Arizona cop who was fired because of his porn site that featured vids of himself along with his wife.

Folks are googling this couple left and right, so I hope they have the common sense to pimp that url out there somewhere. Hey, now that Ron can't depend on that cop's salary, they need to make ends me(a)t.

In the meantime, Ron, send me some pics so we can see if you're HOTT!!!

gimme, gimme, gimme less

Poor Britney. She really sucked at the MTV awards last night, didn't she? I was surprised by how absolutely CRAPPY her hair looked. I'm constantly amazed by these celebs who go on tv with greasy, yucky hair (and extensions). I wonder how long it will take before she blames her lackadaisical performance on Sarah Silverman? Of all the things that have been said about Brit over the last several months, I find it hard to believe that finding out Silverman was going to rag on her kids bothered Brit so much that she sucked at her performance. Some critics said she looked nervous. She didn't look nervous to me, she just looked spacey. BTW, Sarah really ought to spend her time making mocking Britney. Her "jokes" were every bit as awful. You can see both of those disasters on

35% of Americans believe that General Petraeus will say what Bush wants him to say when he gives his report on the war in Iraq. 39% say they believe he will tell the truth. What in the world is wrong with these people? STILL trusting this administration? Oy. Color me among the 35%. 26% are "not sure".
Why do these uncertain people even bother to take a poll if they don't know how they feel about it? They're probably the same twits who call $1.99 a minute phone poll and pick the "undecided" option. Thank God "undecided" isn't an option when it comes to picking a President.

I finally watched "Beaches" yesterday. Yaya, I know I'm a tad behind in my movies. I also watched "Postcards from the Edge." "Postcards" was ok, but it screamed "this screenplay was written by a celeb, help me make it sell!" which was obvious by all the celeb cameos. I also thought it was strange that Streep spent most of the movie in a cop's uniform and yet we had no idea what that movie was even about. "Beaches," on the other hand, was way too corny. I love Bette, but every time I see her in an old movie, I'm so distracted by her appearance that I just want to scream, "Put some VO5 on that damn frizzy mess!!"

Sunday, September 09, 2007

everybody's got a drug dealer on speed dial

Jeff Paul sure is a master internet marketer, isn't he? His latest infomercial features two chicks with huge boobs squished into small bras discussing how great Jeff's system is. Jeff doesn't even make the mistake of mucking up the informerical with unattractive men or himself. Just two booby chicks doing a lot of gushing and leaning towards the camera. While I'd like to explain how Jeff's system works, I was so mesmerized by the four boobs that I don't even know what they were selling. Jeff gets an "A" for marketing and the chicks get "D's" for posture. More like DD's....

Gawd, my husband never ceases to amaze me. The monitor on our desktop went and we need a new one. The picture shrunk to the middle of the screen and it's about 1/3 the size it should be. (And I only have about a 13 or 14 inch monitor.)
I tried the whole 'unplugging/replugging/asking Mike South wth was wrong' thing and he decided the monitor was probably shot. I told Mr. G that I'd buy a new one next week with the Labor Day overtime he had or with some of my pay so we wouldn't have to charge it. Last night he said, "Let's hold off on that new monitor. This one is fine."
I'm like, "HONEY! You can barely see the damn picture!"
Oy. I'm buying it because when he gets laid off (or whatever), he's going to want to look at the internet. And if I would have any problem with my laptop, no way in HELL am I going blind trying to work on that monitor. I'm going to have to get a wireless mouse for my laptop, too, so he can use it more easily. He's having problems negotiating the cursor with his finger, and I remember how hard that was for me to learn, too.

I loved The Soup making fun of Ocean Force: Panama City Beach.
The chick that ran up to the car during the traffic stop and sucked face?
Can you say "attention whore"?
They DID show an idiot yelling "Woooo! Spring Break 2007!"
Unfortunately, they didn't show my fav Officer Pettys.

Saturday, September 08, 2007

mamas in the kitchen with the mac and cheese

Because I worked two days of overtime a week or so ago and had a little extra $ after paying the bills, I divvied up the money amongst the offspring and told them they could spend it on whatever they wanted. The older female offspring bought CD's and Male Offspring #1 bought a magazine subscription to a "Psychology Today," otherwise known as "Playboy."
So I took a gaggle of kids to the mall yesterday to let them spend their money. Male Offspring #5 immediately bought another Bible. What he's going to learn in this Bible that he hasn't learned from the 32 other Bibles he's bought is beyond me.
Male Offspring #4 ran to the craft store and bought ...sigh...more twine. What can I say? At least I know what to buy him as gifts.
Male Offspring #6 picked up the "Ultimate Gum Kit."
I said, "Let's see if I have this right, you want to pay $29.95 for a kit to make gum, which costs about fifty cents a pack."
He said, "Smart, huh?"
I know I told them they could buy whatever they wanted, but I felt I HAD to talk him out of this one. I said, "How many packs of gum do you think you could buy for that $30?"
He thought a minute, then said, "At least ten."
Hmmmm. I'm thinking that money might be better spent on a math tutor.
Female Offspring #2 wanted "My First Purse" so that she could have a "big girl" purse like mine. I checked the contents: empty wallet (just like mine), lipstick (unmelted--not like mine), debit card (a what now?),
plastic keys that don't open anything (ditto) and a worthless cell phone (just like my Tracfone). This purse didn't have: gum/candy stuck to the bottom with various coins lodged in it, 50 receipts for diet pepsi and a Snicker bar, or three bottles of diet pills just like mine. It did cost $14.95, though, and that's what I paid for my purse, so that toy was a keeper.
Male Offspring #3 wanted the computer game "Fetch," in which you can adopt a virtual dog. He pointed out that he had six breeds from which to choose from and could do all sorts of fun things with the dog online, like walk it and teach it tricks.
I said, "Ummm, don't we have a REAL dog at home? One that you refuse to walk, never play with or train?"
Forgive me, Father, for I am practical.
Male Offspring #6 ditched the "Ultimate Gum Kit" and decided he had to have the "Super Rocket and Balloon Set Pump". For $22.95, you
get a pump that will blow up a balloon and then release it to zip around the room. Then you do it allllll over again. I asked him if he had ever heard of these little known, underutilized things called "LUNGS". He was clueless.
I nixed Male Offspring #7's idea to buy "Walter the Farting Dog" for $30. Of course it came complete with a farting dog. Hell, for $30 he ought to fart. He ought to bring me breakfast in bed, too. But farting offspring are bad enough.
I replaced that book with "Oh, Yuck the Encyclopedia of Everything Nasty" for $17. He might as well learn something about his snot and belly button lint.
How much ya wanna bet it will be the most read book in the trailer?
Male Offspring #6 dumped the balloon thingy and was set on the "Duck Shooting Gallery." Weird, but when I was a kid we had one of these things. Ours didn't cost $50 though, so I nixed that idea. He said, "Ok, give me money towards a BB gun then." I said, "No, because I value my eyeballs. And those of my offspring." He left the store with ten packs of gum and I barely escaped with my patience.

It's really big of Apple to offer a ONE hundred dollar refund to the people who purchased an iPhone, considering they are dropping the price by TWO hundred dollars. And how clever of them to issue a refund in the form of a store credit and not cash.

I was listening to CNN yesterday afternoon because f'ing tennis was on instead of The Young and The Restless.
(Damn you tennis for forcing me to catch up on current events! Damn you to hell!) I heard that they expect a new tape from Osama Bin Asswipe to surface around the time of the anniversary of 9/11. They said that in a recent picture, Osama looks heavier and is sporting a "newly darkened" beard. Osama must have stocked up on "Grecian Formula for Terrorists" before he went on the lam.

I was absolutely saddened to hear one of my all time favorite Stevie Ray Vaughn
songs, "Pride & Joy" being used on a lousy Nissan Altima commercial. Sigh.

Friday, September 07, 2007

sadly porn and law enforcment doesn't mix

No word on whether or not he was hott. Perhaps I should ask him for a picture? Or a video.....

SAN FRANCISCO (Reuters) - An Arizona police department had the right to fire a police officer who made and sold "vulgar and indecent" sex videos in which he performs with his wife, a U.S. appeals court ruled.

The 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals said on Wednesday that Ronald Dible had engaged in "sleazy activities" and ruled that a lower court had properly dismissed Dible's claims that the Chandler, Arizona, police department infringed his First Amendment rights to free speech by firing him.

Dible lost his job in 2002 after the Chandler police department learned he was running a sexually explicit Web site featuring him and wife, Megan, which they operated to make money.

"We have not yet abandoned our social codes to the point that a city can be sanctioned for violating a police officer's First Amendment rights when he causes disrespect of the police department and its members by performing in and purveying pictures of his and his wife's sexually explicit activities over the Internet," Judge Ferdinand Fernandez wrote for a three-judge panel.

"Ronald Dible may have the constitutional right to run his sex-oriented business but he has no constitutional right to be a policeman for the city at the same time.

"The law and their own safety demands that they be given a degree of respect, and the sleazy activities of Ronald and Megan Dible could not help but undermine that respect.

"His activities were simply vulgar and indecent."

why ya wanna gimme the runaround?

Thursday morning as I was licking my 'made in China' hair clips to get my daily dose of lead poisoning--hey, I'm proactive, people-- I watched the neighbor's kid come riding up the road on a quad. They live about .4 of a mile from our place. Here's the kicker: the kid driving is 7 years old and he had his 4 year old sister sitting on the quad in front of him. Neither had helmets. And of course, seat belts on a quad are out of the question. Seems like I'm not the only one sucking down the lead paint.

I love that song "One of Those Girls" by Avril Lavigne in which she sings, "I know your kind of girl You only care about one thing Who you've seen, or where you've been Who's got money.." Correct me if I'm wrong, but that's THREE things. Some days that Stoopid Lyrics page just updates itself.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

unabomber, move over

they don't call it the "institute for 'higher' learning" for nothin'

Well, on the upside Mom and Dad are saving grande dollars on that college education...

A pair of former Northeastern University freshmen are now facing drug and other charges.

Police in Boston said one of the students leaned out of a dorm window and announced to a woman that they were selling weed.

Two plain clothes Boston officers in the building overheard the conversation.

Police said a search of the dorm room turned up four ounces of marijuana, alcohol and drug paraphernalia.

A spokeswoman for Northeastern said the students have been kicked out of school.

The now ex-freshmen are due back in court next month.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

memories light the corners of my mind

Many is the time I used to drive naked to visit my mom and dad. Good times. Good times.

ANGOLA, Ind. - A naked man driving along the Indiana Toll Road was arrested and charged because his lewd conduct distracted other motorists, police said.

The 37-year-old Chicago man was traveling east to Ohio to visit his mother, police said. He was nude and had petroleum jelly on his hands when a state trooper pulled him over about 10 miles from the Ohio line Wednesday, police said.

The man, who told police he was comfortable driving in the nude, was charged with misdemeanor indecent exposure, punishable by up to a year in jail.

The trooper, Al Martinez, a four-year veteran of the Indiana State Police, said he walked up to the passenger side of the SUV and saw that the man had dropped a T-shirt across his midsection. Other motorists had called police about the driver, with several calls from truckers who could see into the front seat of the SUV.

Martinez made the man put his clothes back on before handcuffing him and putting him in the back of the squad car.

The man was released Thursday from the Steuben County Jail on $1,000 bond.

the afternoon edition

Remember when newspapers used to come in morning AND afternoon editions? Ahhh, the good OLD days.

So it's four o'clock in the afternoon and Mr. G is snoring his head off. Holly is snoring her head off and here I am snoring my--yeah, I wish. Seems like every time I try to nod off, Holly goes into one of her scratchfests and the doggone jingling of her tags keeps me awake. I need to invent rubber tag holders so they don't clack together all the time. Ones that will conform to the shape of the tag. I've seen plastic tag holders, but they never jive with the shape of the tags. They make tags that look like bones, ovals, squares and fire hydrants, and tag covers that are rectangular. Yeah, somebody put a lot of thought into that invention.

I had to sit around waiting for the appliance repair dude--yeah, I finally got around to calling. He installed--and I use that word lightly--a new gasket on my fridge door. In about three minutes, he yanked off the old one, snapped in a new one and used the hair dryer on a it a few seconds. $111.00. If that sucker ever breaks again, I'm ordering the part and putting it on myself. What happened to the days when gaskets had to be glued on? Now it just pushes into place.

Damn those folks at Amazon are smart. I ordered my 2008 Writer's Market/Writer's Market Companion and they asked me if I wanted to buy Amazon Prime, which would allow me to get the books in two days for free. I think it's like $79 a year, but the first month is free and you can cancel at any time. I declined because I've noticed that the books are usually shipped right away and I generally have them within three days anyway. Damned if they aren't sitting on those books. I ordered them Monday and they still haven't been sent out yet.

Because the three minute warning light on my laptop battery is flashing, I bid you adieu...

quechup muh ass

I emailed WW and asked if she got an invite to and she told me it was spam, so I investigated further. When you sign up for Quechup they ask you for an email addy. I gave them my hotmail addy because I don't have any contacts in it. Turns out Quechup hijacks your address book and sends out invites to every one in it, so don't sign up for it. Here's an article about it.

i just wanna dance with you

So I received an invite to and I was half-assedly filling out the profile. I NEVER tell the truth on those things. Not even my name. The funny part was when they asked you your weight. The options were: slim, athletic, medium, cuddly, well built, large, overweight. That's it. I'm penciling in "fatty, fatty, 2 by 4, can't get my ass through the door." That'll learn 'em. They even asked your income: low, moderate, high. Why? So some lame ass gigolo can troll the site and pick up on rich, lonely chicks? I checked "high", and where it said "occupation" I penciled in "drug dealer," which would account for the high income, but only because the "high class hooker" option wasn't available. (Ya know, if this was MySpace, there would be a cop at my front door right now, search warrant in hand...) It pisses me off when they ask all this sort of stuff on these "social networking" sites. It's nobody's damn business but MINE.

The offspring are furious with me because I canceled Halloween. Yep, no more "is my costume hott or not apaloozas" like we had in 2005 OR in 2006. I'm not shelling out my hard earned money on expensive candy, only to eat it days before Halloween arrives. Quite frankly, I don't think my ever burgeoning waist can handle another year like last year. So, yes, the kids will suffer for it. Bite me. Not like they're out there campaigning for me to get that "Mother of the Year" trophy anyway. When I see some movement on that front, then I'll worry.

I was watching one of those new prison shows on Court TV. The guards were moving a prisoner and they made him strip, while they viewed him through the window. The guard was like, "Lift your left arm....right arm...turn around...lift your nuts for me." OY. What hetero guy wouldn't LOVE that job?

Speaking of prison shows, guess who I saw on one of them? Jesus! That's right, Jesus. And he was in prison for conspiracy. Ya think ya know your Lord and then ya find out something like this.

Have you seen the Airwick commercial with the giraffe? She talks about her kids and then it shows two little wart hogs. How does a giraffe have wart hogs for offspring? Unless she's the Angelina Jolie of the giraffe world....