Thursday, August 02, 2007

there's nothing you can teach me that I can't learn from Mr. Hathaway

This morning while I was having my usual breakfast of Jack Daniels and a cupcake, I was watching an infomercial for Medifast, yet another new, miraculous diet plan. The hostess kept giving the audience that "smiling so hard it looks painful" kind of smile, and I found that extremely funny.
Course I was liquored up so I found everything extremely funny.
If I see this infomercial again, I'm taking a screenshot so you can see what I mean.

Then a woman called me on the phone and asked me if I was interested in donating to help eliminate world poetry.
Me: "Hell, yes, I want to eliminate world poetry. I HATE poetry. I hate it in a car,
I hate it in a bar. I hate it in a box and I hate it in my socks! I think we should eliminate all the gd poets from all the gd continents of all the gd worlds. AND I think we should eliminate all the gd pens they use to write their gd poems! If they use a laptop, toss it, too!"
Telemarketer: "Ma'am, I said world POVERTY, not POETRY."
Me: "Huh. Well, that would be kinda like sending money to myself, now wouldn't it? Take a hike."
I gotta stop eating cupcakes for breakfast. Clearly the sugar makes me loopy.
Tomorrrow I begin eating a healthy breakfast: oatmeal, 1/2 grapefruit and Jack Daniels.

Fisher Price is having a massive recall on toys made in China with lead paint. Americans are such pussies. A little lead paint never killed anybody. Or anti-freeze filled toothpaste. Or faulty tires. The important thing to remember is that these things are much cheaper when they come from China!! So you have to spend a little time in the hospital to enjoy them. Suck it up, buttercup!!

I heard that Kathy Griffin is being considered for the fifth chair on The View. I hope she doesn't get it. I love Kathy, but I hate that show, and if she's on it, I might feel compelled to watch, thus wasting even MORE of my life on worthless tv.
And while I'm yakking about Kathy, I was watching a rerun of a recent My Life on the D List, and it was the ep where she goes to England for a show.
Apparently her reality show is just hitting the airwaves there and she was helping with promotion. The legal department for the E Channel in jolly old England gave her a four column list of words she could not say. One of them was "blad clat" (or "blad clad") and another was "batty (or "baddy", I couldn't tell by pronounciation) boy," and when she asked the legal eagle what they meant, she didn't know. Kathy then hit the streets with Graham Norton, who didn't know the meaning of those words either. He was asking people on the street, and none of them knew.
It just struck me as ironic and funny how the government is banning words no one even knows. Who's the pervert in the government that compiled that list?

I love Jon Stewart's imitation of Dick Cheney.
His "laugh" sounds exactly like The Penguin from the original Batman TV series.

I'll tell you what she wants, what she really, really wants: money.
Melanie Brown, aka Scary Spice, is taking Eddie Murphy to court for child support.
In a statement to the press, Scary said, "The girl [her daughter] will always
know that she was planned and wanted by both of us." Nooooo, this is what she'll REALLY know: she'll know that at one point,
her daddy said on national television that he had no idea who fathered her,
and that her mother had to drag her daddy's ass into court to get him named legal father and to force him to pony up the child support.
Awww, what a loving (alleged) dad.

Bugs sent me an email telling me I was "officially outnumbered."
That overly fertile pain in the ass! How dare she!(The Duggar chick, not Bugs. Bugs only has ONE child. Can you imagine?!) That's it. I'm talking Mr. G into letting me get pregnant with #17 just so she doesn't get a head of me.

Putting the sea salt in Holly's water is DEFINITELY helping her. She used to get up from her nap limping until she walked around for a few minutes. Now she doesn't limp at all and she has much more energy. As I found out when she nudged me awake the other morning at 4 a.m. wanting to play fetch...

6 comments:

BBC said...

Um, I would love to reply to this post. But I've had like about eight fucking beers and my fingers aren't working so well right now. And I'm not sure my brain ever did.

On the other hand, it doesn't get any better than this. LOL

Chewy said...

I also limp when I get out of bed first thing in the morning... that must be why I don't feel like playing fetch at 4 a.m.

*Goddess* said...

LOL! Good one, Chewy;)

*Goddess* said...

Billy, don't you know you should never drink and blog;)

Mushy said...

How many times do I have to tell you that George Dickel is better than Jack?

Will you not take advantage of my years of experience?

*Goddess* said...

LOL! What next? Luring me into the murky world of cigar smoking?!

I've never heard of George Dickel. I wonder if they sell it in PA?