Wednesday, August 01, 2007

even the best fall down sometimes

Holy shit. I can't believe we're only about five months away from Christmas. This year has just gone by so fast. Guess it's time to finally start writing down my New Year's Resolutions.........for 2007.

So there I was last night, minding my own business working my 1-900 phone sex number.
This guy calls and says, "I'm here with a buddy, can we put you on speaker phone so we can both talk to you at the same time?" Shoot, I'm always up for a threesome, why not? I said, "Ok, tell me a little bit about yourselves."
The caller said, "Well, I live in Tennessee, and my friend here is from Texas. He drove up for a visit and we've spent the day smoking cee-gars, drinking and shooting high powered rifles."
I'm like wait a minute. This sounds veeeery familiar.
I said, "Mushy, is this you?!" Damn. It WAS him and FHB.
I know exactly what you're thinking. "But, Goddess, Nicole Richie can't go to jail! She's pregnant!" Ok, that *other* thing you're thinking, "But, Goddess, with all that hiking and smoking and drinking and taking pictures of themselves hiking, smoking and drinking, how in the world did they find time to call a phone sex line?"
How the hell would I know? I just take the calls in the order in which they're received. We had a nice conversation and I felt really bad about charging them the $2.99 a minute rate, but hey, business is business.
Seriously though, I did enjoy chatting with them. I just feel really bad that the offspring were screaming so loudly that I could hardly hear FHB and Mushy.
Had I known exactly when they were calling, I would have given all the offspring their animal crackers and Benadryl much sooner.
Ok, now the dish: Mushy has the "good" type of Southern accent.
It's real slight, but just enough to let you know he's Southern. He's in a good area of the country: Tennessee, North & South Carolina, that little midsection of the East where they all have great (aka understandable) accents. Go any further south of Tennessee and you're forced to drag out your "Redneck to English Dictionary". Aite?
Because he's from Texas, I thought that FHB was going to sound like a cowboy, but alas, he doesn't. Yes, I know that some day I must give up this idea that every man who lives out west is a cowboy. Give me another 20 or 30 years.
Mushy wanted to know about my trailer. Don't think I don't recognize jealousy when I hear it. He wants one. When Mushy told me they were going to call, I was DYING to answer the phone saying, "Hi, you've reached 1-900-get-laid. How can I help you get laid this evening?" Then I thought, "We don't have caller id anymore, this might not be such a good idea...." With my luck it would have been my mother on the other end of the phone.

Speaking of Mom, note to self: do NOT wear your "chocolate slut" t shirt to her place again, unless you want another lecture.
2nd note to self: you might also want to avoid wearing your "Jesus Loves a Good Beer" t shirt and your "I Put Out" t shirt.

I read this on a forum and I'm wondering if it's true? And possible?
Cops were discussing a high speed chase in which an officer was killed while deploying spike strips. The cold blooded killing asshole saw the officer and deliberately pointed his car at him, running him over.
"Have you heard about the additions currently in the mill to preclude the need for high speed police chases? Probably be about seven years to completion.
Black box has connection to fuel supply. On signal from ONE cell phone
tower, activated by command signal to ONE tower from pursuing police cruiser
all civilian traffic in that one tower's area has fuel shut off and ALL civilian vehicles stop until that ONE tower signal is halted by police radio command.
Police can now converge on the subject of the pursuit without damage or
injury to anyone and restart normal traffic when safe to do so.
We can expect a fight from the ACLU and other big brother opponents but it
will prevail because of the deaths and injuries that will be prevented."

I have to say, I don't think I'd want to be forced to stop in the same vicinity as some jackass running from the police. They obviously feel they have nothing to lose, and what if they have a gun? I think this puts even more innocent people at risk.
And how long before the criminals find a way to disable the black box or the sensor to the fuel supply?

I'm operating on a grand total of three hours of sleep last night. I can see it will early to bed for me tonight. I went to bed after 11 and it took me awhile to fall asleep. Mr. G got up for work at 2:30 a.m. and that woke me up. He was talking about Buddha and he seemed to need to, so I thought, 'no biggie. Let him talk.
After he leaves I can still get two hours of sleep, IF I fall asleep the second his car leaves the driveway and don't obsess about someone breaking in and murdering me. I'll save that for another night." Unfortunately, his car never left the driveway. He took it to the garage a few weeks ago because he thought he heard a scraping noise and they found nothing wrong. When he tried to back it out of the garage something was definitely scraping against the back left tire because it left a big skid mark in the driveway on the driver's side. I had to get up and take him to work, then come home and arrange for a tow truck to take his car to the garage. Of course, after the day we had yesterday, this didn't help matters. I just hope we get some GOOD NEWS because the more negative stuff that happens, the more upset my husband gets, and I feel that just draws more negativity to us. I told him it's getting to the point where I don't want to take his calls at work.

I love the premise of the new CBS show "The Big Bang Theory." It's a hott chick hanging out with two nerdy guys. Great idea, because we all know hott chicks always hang out with nerds. Don't believe me? Just check out all the hott chicks at the Star Trek conventions chillin' with their geeky homies.

It's like Grammy always said, "Why buy the cow when you can screw it in the barn for free." Grammy sure was weird. All those cow hooves to the head must have scrambled up her brain cells. Sorry, but it's just not good manners to yank somebody's teats.

THIS seemed easier and made more sense than a simple, "I've changed my mind"?!

I came home from work today and found the yard full of holes. It was all I could do
to walk from the car to the front porch without pulling up lame. Turns out the offspring were bored while I was at work and instead of doing fun stuff like cleaning
their rooms or washing the laundry, they took their metal detectors and decided to cover every square inch of the yard. When I "gently" screamed "what the hell were you thinking?!" in a June Cleaver meets the meat cleaver kind of way, Male Offspring #4 said, "Mom, we're convinced there are all sorts of treasures buried here! We could be rich!"
I said, "Ok, smarty pants, what buried treasures did you find?"
They found 56 nails, 14 bottle caps and three bolts.
Hahahahaahahaha!!! <-- that's me laughing all the way to the bank.

7 comments:

Lin said...

Goddess, if your sense of humor doesn't drive away any bad juju, nothing will. I'm sitting here wiping the laugh tears from my cheeks. And don't feel bad about charging those boys $2.99 a minute either. Given what they were consuming or blasting away with, $2.99/minute was probably the cheapest fun they'd had all day.

Mushy said...

Well, the call was very enjoyable, but we couldn't do what we usually do during those kind of calls...we don't know each other that well yet!

Seriously, thrilled to know we had the guts to call and to hear your lovely voice. Next time...put those damn kids to bed!

*Goddess* said...

Thanks, Lin, geez I *wish* a sense of humor was all it took;) I'm still trying to imagine Mr. G and myself fixing the electricity...Lordy, that is NOT happening even in my imagination.

spooneroonie said...

Are you gonna charge me $2.99, too? I did take care of Offspring #5 that time. For free.

bugs said...

And I've given myself a new name, apparently.

BRUNO said...

I got a BEER, and a CIGAR outta the whole deal!

Even if I DID have to get-up, light my cigar at HOME, and open my OWN refrigerator!

The "trip" was worth it!

Shrink Wrapped Scream said...

Jeez Goddess, how come you get all the obscene phonecalls over at your place? No fair!