Friday, August 31, 2007

meow if you love jesus

Kat sent me this hilarious picture. Thanks, Kat. And thanks for the laugh, too;)

come on now, tell the truth

Is V.D. YOUR problem?

Spongy, before you do ANY partying, you better watch;)

That super serious doctor is a hottie, isn't he? I just love the fatalistic chick who said VD would "be the end of her". LOL!!! The only thing that disappoints me is that no one is smoking a reefer at this party.

friday on my mind

Mr. G said his boss came in this morning and said he regretted their confrontation yesterday, but I have a feeling the writing is on the wall. I think he's just preparing him for the inevitable. We may be buying ourselves a little more time with the health care coverage, though. Keep praying, people, and thanks so much for your words of comfort. They meant a lot to me. I guess I'm just angry at the way it's going down because my husband has ALWAYS been an excellent, hardworking, TRUSTWORTHY employee. When he started, there were six guys working in his department, now it's just him and some dipshit who is so zoned out on anti-d's that he doesn't know where things are after two years on the job. It takes him 3 and 4 hours to do the same job the other guys do in 15 minutes. So basically all of the physical work is falling on my husband. That's not fair. I told him that I didn't care what else went down, BUT I said if he EVER accuses you of not being able to do your job again, you tell him that you can do YOUR job just fine but you should NOT be expected to do the job of the four guys who have never been replaced.

I took my ring back this morning. I just felt like it was too much of an extravagance considering. When I told my husband, he said, "No! I wanted you to keep that!" and in the very same breath, he said, "That will come right off the credit card, right?" LOL!

Ok, no more dwelling on that. On to other stuff. Bugs sent me
this funny link to the worst album covers ever. I'm happy to report that I own NONE of them. Phew! I have to say Millie Jackson's cover of her on the crapper is very classy. Two questions: how many do YOU own, and who the hell is Ken?! Thanks, Bugs! She always sends me these great links, and I usually forget to post them.

Hell hath no fury like a Lab scorned. Mr. G said he thinks that Holly is upset that I have been working so much overtime lately. I asked him why he thought that and he pointed to the computer room door. I opened the door to find a HUGE pile of puzzle pieces all over the floor. Last Christmas one of my gifts from Mr. G was a box of 10 different sized jigsaw puzzles, ranging from 100 pieces to 1000. The damn box has been sitting on the floor for MONTHS, but suddenly Holly decided to chew the corner and proceeded to drag out every one of the plastic bags and chewed them open. Oy. I'm pretty much forced to throw them all away now.

While I usually copy and paste the goofy news stories, you need to see the picture with this one.

I caught a little bit of Rachel Ray's talk show while at the chiropractor this morning. Yuck. She's too happy and effusive, which translates into interrupting and talking over all of her guests. I rarely ever waste my time on talk shows because the topics are so damn dumb. Like her segment on chivalry. She sent some guy out to prove whether or not chivalry is dead by opening doors for chicks and carrying bags while checking out their responses. I have to admit, I wouldn't let a stranger carry my bags either. What's to stop him from stealing them? Personally I don't think chivalry is dead. I think a lack of manners on the man's part stems from women getting all militant about guys holding doors for them. Face it, women send out mixed messages and guys are confused. I think it's nice when they hold doors for me, and I always thank them, but I know some chicks who see it as an insult. Then again, there are those chicks who see EVERYTHING as an insult.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

color me nauseated

I just found out my husband is going to lose his full time job, along with all of our medical benefits. He said it's sitting in the pit of his stomach like a huge knot.
How well I know that feeling.

He's in his 50's now and has diabetes, so the loss of medical benefits is going to hit us hard, as well as the added stress of him having to start all over again at his age. Even if he does get another full time job--which seem to be hard to come by these days--finding one that doesn't make you pay all your own benefits is going to be hard.

I keep telling myself that this could be the start of something really, really good for us--you know the whole "one door closes and another one opens" b.s.?--and maybe it's time he had a change, but....ugh. Reality bites and I'm scared. brings out the best in all of us

LAFAYETTE, Ind. -- A woman was arrested on suspicion of letting her 5-year-old son drive her around while she was intoxicated, police said.

Holly Schnobrich, 24, of Lafayette, was charged with two counts of felony neglect and public intoxication after neighbors told police of the incident early Sunday in the Saddlebrook subdivision.

The boy and his 3-year-old brother, who was also in the vehicle, were placed into the custody of the Department of Child Services, police said.

Investigators said neither child was restrained.The Tippecanoe County Sheriff's Department said officers went to the subdivision after neighbors told them they saw the boy behind the wheel."It was just bizarre," Barrett told the Journal & Courier of Lafayette. "I asked, 'Is this toddler driving your car?' She said, 'He's a good driver.'"Police said another neighbor took Schnobrich's car keys so that she couldn't get away before officers arrived.According to a probable cause affidavit, Schnobrich admitted taking the prescription painkiller Percocet and had a near-empty bottle of sleeping pills that she told them she had for two days. Officers said that the driving child told them he was having a hard time because he couldn't reach the pedals.Schnobrich was being held Thursday in the Tippecanoe County Jail on a $10,000 surety bond. Prosecutors said Schnobrich pleaded guilty last week to an unrelated charge of operating a vehicle while intoxicated.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

ok i'm having a hard time coming up with a title for this drivel

Did you hear the military is offering enlistees a $20,000 "signing bonus" if they agree to ship out as early as three months?
One senator said the program is working because people think, "Hey, I can buy a car with that money." Yeah, and their next thought is probably, "hey, I hope I don't get shot and killed before I get a chance to drive that new car...."

There was a discussion about Senator Larry "I did not solicit sex in the men's room" Craig on the news today. The reporter said, "We have just received word that we have a comment from Senator Barbara Boxer's office. Senator Boxer chairs the Senate Ethics Committee. The comment is: Senator Boxler has no comment."
I love the following quote by Senator Craig, "I am not gay. I have never been gay." LOL! I half expected him to follow that up with something like, "Well, ok, I was gay for a few months there in 2005, but I'm not anymore!"

Male Offspring #7 came rushing home from the first day of school Monday flashing a new t shirt. It said, "Anthony is my name, dodge ball is my game. May I work hard and give it my all, think like a winner and have a ball!"
He was over the moon. Now, as with most families, the main objective between siblings is to ridicule each other. Unless you come from one
of those creepy famlies where everybody supports each other's endeavors. Brrrrrr...
Male Offspring #1 & 2 immediately high tailed it up to the mall and had their own shirts made. They read:
"*insert name here* is my name, masturbation is my game. I work "hard" and give it my all, yank on my wanker and play with my balls."
Some days I find it hard to believe I haven't committed suicide. Yet.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

buy a blow up doll already!!!

A Monessen man allegedly broke into a funeral parlor and tampered with a female corpse before getting caught in the act, police said.

Roderick Jones, who police said was convicted of abuse of a corpse in 1999, is facing new charges stemming from the alleged incident on Sixth Street in Monessen last month. Funeral director Johnny Draper said he left the Draper Funeral Home on July 13 to talk to some friends across the street for about 10 minutes.
When Draper noticed a light on in the basement, he went back inside -- and that's when, according to a police affidavit, he found Roderick Jones lying next to the coffin of a woman whom Draper had been preparing for burial.

According to the affidavit, one of the deceased woman's legs was up in the air, her stockings had been removed and the plastic covering her body had been torn open. Draper said Jones was lying down near the casket in an attempt to hide, but Draper said he was able to restrain the man until police arrived. Draper said the funeral home has a top-notch security system in place, and there has never been a break-in before. He also said he believes he made it back into the building before the corpse was abused.

According to police, Jones has a history of burglary, criminal trespass and criminal mischief, along with the 1999 conviction in an unrelated case in Charleroi.

Jones is being held in the Westmoreland County Prison, charged with abuse of a corpse and burglary, police said.

my mama told me if i was goodie that she would buy me a rubber dolly

Ok, in case you haven't heard, the new way to do CPR is JUST DO CHEST COMPRESSIONS. 100 per minute. It was on the Today Show today. Apparently when you stop to do mouth breathing, it takes away blood flow from the brain.

I saw a commercial yesterday for the new Survivor. At the end, Jeff Whatshisface says, "Where will you be when history is made? Again."
Hmm, on the couch, eating chocolate while watching COPS. Again.

I watched "Ocean Force: Panama City" last night on Court TV. Good grief. It was your typical beach show featuring a bunch of drunken bums screaming, "Wooooo! Spring break 2007!" I don't know how cops could stand to work in that atmosphere all the time. Kids vomiting and fighting and getting drunk on a daily basis are NOT anything that would attract me. I had to turn off the sound and watch for cop hottness. I couldn't stand all the "wooooo!" ing. The least they could have done was be original. I would have been screaming "woooooo! hottcops dot blogspot dot com!!!"

One commercial that had me stopping in my tracks the first time I heard it was
the new Clorox ad. The kids are whispering secrets to each other and the one boy begins by saying, "I play with my...." Damn. The first time I heard that I thought, "Oooo, this isn't going to end well." Turns out he plays with his boats in the toilet. Phew! I thought surely he was going to say something else.
As a parent, I don't think any words struck fear in my heart like the words "my mother says..." because you never know how you truly ound until you hear your words coming out of a child's mouth.

Monday, August 27, 2007

'fess up, Mushy, we know it's you

Tennessee? Lap dances? It's no coinkydink....

SMYRNA, Tenn. (AP) — A man who authorities say used his computer to make fake $100 bills to buy lap dances at a strip club has pleaded guilty to counterfeiting charges, federal prosecutors said.

Strippers at Deja Vu in Nashville were suspicious of the bills and called police after Damon Armagost spent $600 of the fake money April 16, authorities said.

When officers arrived, Armagost first told them he got the money when he sold gold coins for $1,400 to an unidentified person.

U.S. Secret Service agents later determined that counterfeit bills with the same serial number had been passed in other parts of the country. When they went to Armagost's Smyrna home, about 20 miles southeast of Nashville, a family member told agents that an image of a $100 bill had been on a computer there.

Armagost then acknowledged that he had downloaded the image from the Internet and printed 14 of the bills, prosecutors said. He pleaded guilty Friday to manufacturing and passing counterfeit currency and has a sentencing date of Nov. 5.

cruising into the new week

What's that blessed sound I hear, kids? Awwww, yes. SILENCE. Another wonderful school year has begun amidst much screaming and crying about clothes. (That was me. I didn't know what to wear to work this morning.) WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Michael Vick's mommy is boo hooing about her son possibly going to jail. She said, "They're trying to put my baby in jail, and for what? Everybody makes mistakes. Everybody deserves a second chance." Yep, just like those under performing dogs that were mercilessly murdered got their second chance.
I think it's fitting justice that a dog was the beginning of Vick's downfall. A K9 dog, Troy, alerted officers to the fact that Vick's cousin had drugs in his car outside of a nightclub. That led them to obtain a search warrant for his residence--he was residing with Vick. The rest is history. Who's a good boy, Troy? Who's a good boy?

So I casually mentioned to Mr. G about getting a new purdy colored laptop, and he said, "Fine. What color can of spray paint do you want me to buy?" Ok, let's forget that pipe dream. Besides, I love my little steel grey (sigh) laptop.

I saw a commercial for that dumb GEICO caveman show that's coming and they have a website called "Caveman's Crib." Question: who uses the word "crib" anymore? I mean, besides those homies who are still getting jiggy widdit.

FHB would have been so proud of me. Just when I think I've forgotten every bit of history I've ever learned in school. This morning's trivia question was "in what state was the first oil well drilled in the United States?" I immediately yelled, "Titusville, Pennsylvania," despite the fact that I was driving alone in the car. I remember when we learned that, I thought, "Damn. Pennsylvania. Wooo hooo! We rock!" Ok, except back in when I was in school, I probably really thought, "Pennsylvania? Coolsville, Daddio." Actually I remember thinking how strange that was because I was expecting it to be some place like Texas.

In today's Get Fuzzy strip, Bucky told Rob he was creating a new line of clothing called "Monkeywhere?" And Rob said, "Monkeywear, sure." Bucky replied, "No, no. Monkeywhere? It ends in a question mark. Like a Canadian statement." Took me a second to get that, but when I did....LOL!!

Sunday, August 26, 2007

now that it's raining more than ever know that we'll still have each other

I'm sure you all know that tomorrow is a solemn High Holy Day for me. Yep, first day of school.

I didn't realize until yesterday how sacred a man's grill is. I stopped at C.P.'s house on the way home for a quick burger. He was bitching about how hard it was to clean the grill and I, oh so innocently said, "If you put aluminum foil on that, it would clean up in a snap. Just toss the foil away after each use." Damn. From the male uproar that ensued, you would have thought I suggested we shoot a small child for sport. How was I to know all that caked on grease "adds flavor"? Personally, I think it's more carcinogenic than flavorful, so there!

Thank God Stacey relentlessly badgered me to install Avast virus protection. I clicked on a site the other day and the virus alarm went off, scaring the piss out of me. The alarm went off not once, but three times. I was virtually piss-less at that point, BUT virus free. I love the Avast message that immediately pops up after it tells you what your computer has been exposed to and says, "There's no need to panic." LOL! They know me well. Ok, maybe Stacey didn't relentlessly badger me so much as she suggested I get it. Oh, well. Same diff.

I was reading an article about iPhone bills this morning. One Pittsburgher's phone bill was over THREE HUNDRED PAGES long. They had to deliver the damn thing in a box because it wouldn't fit in the mail. Ahhh, the irony. iPhones are supposed to make things to much simpler. Why aren't these people getting their bills ONLINE? We know they have internet service.

The plastic surgery show with the doctor from Beverly Hills creeps me out no end. On a recent commercial a chick is standing there topless with the doctor and her S.O. looking at her. The S.O. says something like her body is a work of art and the doctor says it's definitely a Massarotti body. That's fucking sick. She's standing there while they discuss her body like it's theirs to do whatever they want with it. Gawd, how I wish they'd come up with an operation to make guy's cocks bigger so women could drag them into the doctor's office like they're nothing more than a piece of meat. If a woman wants to have her breasts enhanced for HERSELF, that's great. But too many of them do it because the man in their life aren't satisfied with what the women have. I just wish women could turn the tables on them and demean them by reducing them to body parts.

Our local paper has a medical column and one person wrote the following: "Answer this letter for me and my fellow seniors. Constipation is a daily topic of conversation...." Sigh. I have soooo much to look forward to. SB, you better not have a shitty comment on this one.

I was also reading about bank tellers in Orlando who are required to bake cookies before the bank opens so they can give their customers freshly baked cookies each day. I have a better idea: screw the cookies and lower your damn fees instead.

Why has it taken so long to come out with colored laptops? I'm lusting after a nice purple or shocking pink one, and I don't even want a new laptop.

I like the song "Umbrella" by Rhianna, but I don't like the way they screw it up by adding all that rap garbage at the beginning.

My boss had the Hour of Power on this morning and Rev. Schuller (Jr.) was interviewing Robin McGraw, wife of Dr. Phil. He started his interview by holding up her book and saying, "I started reading your book last night, and my wife started reading it this morning..." PROCRASTINATORS!! Services start at 7:30 a.m. Nothing like waiting till the last minute.

God Bless America

Every so often you come across a picture that totally stops you in your tracks and makes you appreciate life....

gotta love those lawyers

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a
Southern Sheriff's' deputy.

He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because
he is a lawyer from New York, and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from the South.

He decides to prove this to himself, and have some fun
at the deputy's expense.

Deputy says,"License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, " What for? "

Deputy says, " You didn't come to a complete stop at
the stop sign."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, " You still didn't come to a complete
stop. License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference? "

Deputy says, " The difference is, you have to come to
a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference
between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, Sir."

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and
starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer, and says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down? "

Friday, August 24, 2007

wipe the shit from your shoes

It annoys me no end when people within the justice system (and I use that term loosely) waste time and money on cases like this, only to make a mockery of the entire thing. "Treated in the same manner as other inmates with a similiar sentence" my ASS.

I was watching some repeats of Reno 911 the other afternoon and in one episode, they had a visitor to the PD called Reading Ron. He was a children's show host in the same vein as Mr. Rogers. He came to the PD to film so the kids could learn about cops. In one segment, Reading Ron was doing a ride a long with Junior and Junior pointed out a prostitute. Reminding Junior that he was filming for a kid's show, Reading Ron said, "Don't say 'prostitute'. If you see a prostitute, say 'bucket'." A few minutes later, Junior said, "Look. There's a bucket going down on a Puerto Rican right there on the n 4corner."

Female Offspring #5 is upset with me because when we went to the fair last week, and saw the 4H exhibits, she decided she wanted to raise a cow. Oh, yeah, I can just see that wandering through the trailer park at 3 a.m. mooing it's head off. As if the llamas weren't enough of a half-assed idea. (And that one was mine.) I explained to her that we would be getting NO cow because 4H stood for: hard work, headaches, hardly any sleep, and hard manual labor. (Besides, I hate milk and strongly discourage the drinking of it.)
I was 4H. I should know all the grueling work that's involved. Course all we did in my 4H class was learn how to give manicures, which was pretty much lost on me since I'm a major nail muncher. It still makes me laugh when I think about "Miss Vicki" teaching us how to dress and match clothing and stuff when other 4H'ers were slopping hog pens.
I don't remember the 4H pledge, but I do remember the Girl Scout pledge. (I never made it to GS, I only achieved Brownie status, but we still had to recite the pledge at every meeting. Oooh,the full fledged GS'ers loved to lord their status over us mere Brownies. BTW, how does one go from being a Brownie to a Girl Scout? Shouldn't it be Brownie, then Croissiant, then Biscuit? Or something in the cookie family? Like Brownie, then Peanut Butter Cookie?)
The GS pledge is: "On my honor, I will try:
To serve God and my country,
To help people at all times,
And to live by the Girl Scout Law."
Of course, now the word "God" just offends the hell out of everybody. But I think I've lived up to the pledge. Lord knows I love helping others. Well, the people that aren't annoying bastards. And I do love to serve my country. As long as it doesn't involve guns or military service of any kind. I don't really own a flag, but I will wear a red, white and blue halter top if need be.
As a kind of a goofy aside, when I was a Brownie, I was probably about 10 at the time. I mentioned to a boy my age that I was disappointed that I couldn't become a GS (they closed down the program in my area, due to lack of interest). and he said, "That's ok. Guys like to eat Brownies." I remember saying, "Yeah, I like to eat Brownies, too." Could I have BEEN any more naive? It's like I feel off the naive truck and fell headlong into the Lake of Naivete.

its just damn funny when ya think about it

STERLING HEIGHTS, Mich. -- A thief installed a camera on an ATM, but instead of card numbers, he ended up capturing an image of himself.

"He's not a stupid individual to put on this type of scam, but his blunder by keeping the camera on will help us locate him and arrest him," Sterling Heights police Lt. Michael Reese told the Detroit Free Press for a story Tuesday.

A bank customer found the device and reported it to authorities, police said. As a result, none of the suburban Detroit bank's customers who used the machine have reported any losses, officials said.

The man is white, between the ages of 47 and 55 with white and gray hair and was seen wearing wire-rimmed glasses and a baseball cap, The Detroit News reported.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

ring ring telephone rings somebody says baby what you doin'

Damn I've been so tired with all these extra work hours and cleaning that I forgot to mention my ring arrived Tuesday! I'm telling ya, it really pays to know someone in Tennessee! The ring left there Monday and I had it by lunch time Tuesday. I went with this little beauty, which is what I wanted all along.

I can remember the day I got my one carat anniversary band. The chick that sold it to me was wearing the two carat version, and from that day on, all I could think about was getting the two carat band...LOL! I almost jumped right over this and went for the three carat band, but I figured it would give me something to look forward to on our 37th anniversary.

Thanks to the jackasses at Direct TV, I was in bed last night at 8:30, totally bored out of my mind. The repair dude called last night and already he gave me the "well, if you have trees around you, it might not work" excuse. I live in the fricking country. What the hell am I supposed to do? Go Paul Bunyan on the vegetation? Then he said, "You're scheduled between 1 and 5. I won't be there at five. Look for me anytime after 1." Weeeeeeeee! Thanks for narrowing that down for me. Ok, I'm crabby. Can you tell? I only had today and 1/2 yesterday off in 12 days and I have to go back to work tomorrow, and I can't even watch my damn tv to relax. That annoys me no end that I'm paying $42 a month and I've been dealing with this problem for three weeks. I've had about five good days of tv viewing before that rainstorm hit and we had all this trouble.

I want to do something I haven't done in a long time. Nooo, not fit into a size 6 pair of pants. That ship sailed when I was in the third grade. I need to go back to daily meditation. I purchased the new book by Jose Silva Jr., (something like "Every Day ESP"? I'm too stressed to get up and look...) and I think I'm going to go back to learning the Silva Method and listening to the alpha sound daily. That really seemed to help calm me and deal with stress better. I just feel keyed up and edgy lately.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

another urban legend smashed to smithereens

How come nobody sends me this sort of stuff in emails? At least it's mildly erotic. Not like those "Jebus loves you" forwards!!!

An anonymous girl, lets call her Jen, is a junior in college attending school in Colorado. Like all college students, she is wrapped up in the partying and the wildness college life has to offer. Jen being the computer science major that she is does however have a lot of work to do on her computer so when she’s not out having a good time, she’s working her butt off designing computer programs and installing software. One day, soon after she had broken up with her boyfriend, she was home alone on a Friday night for the first time in the three years they had been dating. She was sad alone and depressed, so she decided to make a new homepage.

She was playing on the net when she decided to get onto a chat line, being the wild psycho she is she decided to get onto a sex line . So Jen got onto a sex chat line and started playing around on it.Over the line, she met a guy who identified himself as Jeremy, she started playing with him, she gave a false name, saying her name was “Katie” and started getting into detail about what she would like to do to him with her tongue. He responded by telling her to picture being naked while his hands ran over every square inch of her body. Soon they were having cybersex. This went on for awhile, and then she got off the line agreeing to meet him back on the line the following night.

Saturday night rolls around, and Jen is on the line with Jeremy again, they become even closer this night, so they continue like this for a week. At the end of the week, they started talking about other things, and got into very intimate issues and feelings. They became close, exchanging their lives, Jen didn’t tell Jeremy she was in college, because she was afraid of sounding like an immature college girl. She felt guilty, but after a few weeks, she really liked this guy.

This went on the two of them like this for months, and months turned into a year. By the end of the year they had exchanged the most intimate thoughts, and yet had never even spoken on the phone. They were afraid of ruining the mystery. They had done everything sexually possible over the net, they were affectionate as well, waiting for the day that they could some day be together. They finally decided they had had enough. They wanted to meet each other, they were in love and they had to meet.

They didn’t care about age or looks or anything but each other. Jeremy told Jen he thought she could be his next wife. Jen was weary at first but decided she didn’t care how old he was or how ugly she loved him, he was the only one she could feel comfortable with. So…they planned a trip to meet in Vail, Colorado.

They were going to spend the weekend together and finally meet. Jen didn’t want the hassle of having to find him, so she said, why don’t you just get the room and we’ll meet in the room that way there will be no mistake. Jeremy agreed. Jen showed up at the resort first, and checked into the room telling the desk lady to hold the key for the next party, so she went into the room. She wanted things to be special so she lit some candles, put on some music. she stripped naked and climbed into the bed under the covers, deciding to surprise Jeremy when he got there.

The time soon came. The lights were out, the mood was right, and she heard a key in the door, she heard someone walk in and around the corner, and she whispered, “Jeremy”, Jeremy said, “Katie?” (this was the false name she had given him.) Yes she said, so he fumbled for the light, and turned it on to see Jen on the bed naked before him.

Then next thing heard around the world were two blood curling screams. Jen covered herself up, and with her most humiliated voice said, “Dad?” and Jeremy said, “JEN!!!” Think of what you would do in this situation. Now realize this really did happen. Their lives will never be the same.

LOL. Now THAT was an entertaining "scare forward".
"Think of what you would do in this situation"? Depends on whose dad I was sleeping with. If I was with my gf's dad, I'd yell, "Do it to me one mo' time!!!"
And may I just say the author of this phony forward spent WAY too much time on non-essential information and not enough on what went on while Dad and Jen were twistin' in the sheets.

saw this on another blog and thought it was interesting

What's the oldest thing you own?

I was originally going to say my husband, but he's only in his 50's and the antique bookcase I got from my uncle is over 100 years old, so I'm going with that.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

i hear you knocking but you can't come in

Did you know that the lifespan of the average blog is one month? 60-80% of the bloggers abandon their blog within 30 days,
and 66% of the remaining blogs have not been updated
in two months.
I'm feeling pretty damn good about my blog right about now.
I've been writing this drivel for over five years!
Apparently writing drivel is my life's work.
Or something to do while I avoid my life's work...

I wanted to order checks and since I've used every check company I can find to take advantage of their cheap intro offer,
I'm forced to buy at full price. I ordered two boxes of single checks and one box of deposit slips. That came to $30.80.
Then I have to pay $2.65 per box shipping and $7.95 for UPS, bringing me to a grand total of $46.60 or $18.20 per box. What a load of shit.

YAY!! Hottcops got a mention in the Court TV blog Tuesday!!
Check it out. I love that blog. I read it every day.

Jay sent me pics of the new Price is Right set last night and I happened to be at work, so I showed my boss, the big PiR fan. She looked at it and said, "Oh, I don't know if I'm going to like that...." LOL! It reminded me of when Female Offspring #1 was little and I'd try to get her to eat a new food, usually a vegetable. Without even tasting it, she'd say, "I don't think I like this."

Talk about living in the old man's shadow. There's a Labor Day event going on in a neighboring city and they have lots of music and food. On the way to work this evening, I heard the commercial for some of the musical acts, one of which was "The late, great Jim Croce's son, A.J." Ouch. And they say that every damn time.

Somebody mentioned this site to H2O, and I'm stealing it. (Shhhh, she'll never know. Just like when I stole SpongyBones from Carol. She still hasn't figured that out yet....) I'm gonna print up a buttload of these things and slap 'em on people's cars in the winter. At our local mall, during the holiday season, people seem to think the parking space lines are "suggestion only."
They park wherever they want to. FO #1 and I call this phenomenon "create a space." If it looks good, just freaking park there. And it doesn't matter if you've just parked three deep.

It was all I could do not to reach through the phone and slap the Direct TV tech support monkey today. We had to have a repair guy come last week or so because I kept getting pixelated pictures and he replaced outside plugs, and assured us everything would be fine.
NEWSFLASH: they lie.
Yesterday Mr. G taped 6 hours of Court TV for me containing some of the hottest Florida FWC officers I've ever seen. I know because I was watching at work on CABLE, and it did NOT have a signal failure. I came home to find six hours of the little Direct TV box bouncing from one side of the screen to the other. I was livid. This is the same garbage I was dealing with last week. So I went through set up all over again, and I had all the channels except my local channels. I called and the tech support monkey was immediately mystified. I know this because she kept reading stuff under her breath, and saying, "hmmmm." Finally she suggests we do another reset, using a method that would automatically grab all my settings and override everything. We started it and she said it would take five minutes, but ten minutes later it still wasn't advancing on the screen, so she told me to pull the plug, and reset the box.
I lost ALL my channels.
I couldn't even get it to move past "searching for satellite signal."
Then she says, "You know there's really nothing more I can do. I'll send the service guy out on Thursday afternoon." GRRRRRRRRRRRR. Nothing "more" she could do? She didn't DO a damn thing except screw things up for me.
She concluded the call with this question, "Do you have any more questions about Direct TV that I can answer?"
I said, "Yeah. Why is your signal constantly going out? I dumped Dish for this very reason and now I'm stuck in a year's contract with you."
To which she giggled nervously, but had no "answer."
I hung up fairly pissed.
I kept messing with it until I finally got it back to all my channels except locals again. At least, I can watch Court TV IF the freaking signal doesn't go out again. Sometimes I'll have some of the channels, but not all of them, like I'll have 245, but not 246 (Court TV) and then I'll have 249 (Comedy Central). Makes no sense. If it wasn't for the cost, I'd switch to cable again. The only reason we left cable was the cost. They were very reliable as far as the picture and service went but I can't justify paying $56 for cable, when I'm getting the same channels for $42. Course that only applies IF I'm getting a signal!

free security system

Mushy, you and FHB and Bruno can skip over this one. I'm sure there's no way you'd use keys over a gun...

Course this doesn't work if you own a Kia, cuz who would be dumb enough to put a security system in a $10k car?

From In The Line of Duty:

Great Idea...don't know why I never thought of this!

Put your car keys beside your bed at night. If you hear a noise outside your
home or someone trying to get in your house, just press the panic button for
your car.

The alarm will be set off, and the horn will continue to sound until either
you turn it off or the car battery dies.

This tip came from a neighborhood watch coordinator. Next time you come home
for the night and you start to put your keys away, think of this:

It's a security alarm system that you probably already have and requires no

Test it.

It will go off from most everywhere inside your house and will keep honking
until your battery runs down or until you reset it with the button on the
car key remote

It works if you park in your driveway or garage If your car alarm goes off
when someone is trying to break in your house, odds are the burglar or
rapist won't stick around...after a few seconds all the neighbors will be
looking out their windows to see who is out there and sure enough the
criminal won't want that.

And remember to carry your keys while walking to your car in a parking lot.
The alarm can work the same way there.....

This is something that should really be shared with everyone.

night breezes seem to whisper i love you

That is one versatile vibrator.
All my latex bf does is turn me on and give me many, many screaming O's.
I'd be jealous, but I'm too busy jilling off to care.

I had to stop at the post office yesterday after work.
Because they're working on the bus station
across the street, people waiting for buses have to catch
them outside the post office. I walked past a group of people and
a guy stopped me, asking about bus schedules. Apparently he couldn't read the print.
I turned around to answer him and saw that he was in his late 70's/early 80's
with snow white hair and THEE BLACKEST mustache you've ever seen.
We're talking black as night, black as licorice, black as the steaks I grilled last week.
I could NOT help myself. I immediately started to giggle. I wanted to keep a straight face, but I couldn't.
The mustache looked so bad, like it was a costume 'stache pasted on.
I tried to cover by pretending I was laughing at how the print was hard for me to read, too. Yaya, great cover, I know. Bite me.

Overtime Hawg is PISSED because I'm actually
getting two nights of O.T. this week, and
she's not getting any. She's been bitching for a full month now trying to get the other two extra nights this week, but Boss #1 said she's taking them.
Boss #2 told me she said, "Well, that's just great.
Goddess gets to work five nights in a row."
She neglected to mention three of them were my regular shifts.
She also neglected to mention all the many, MANY nights she took from me.
Cry me a river.
What she doesn't know is Boss #2 doesn't like her working
nights, and that's why she's really not getting any. We hardly have
anything to do and apparently, she hasn't even been doing that.

In a recent poll, teenagers said the #1 thing that
makes them happy is spending time with family.
How can that possibly be when most teenagers have idiots for parents? Ask any teenager. They'll be only to happy to tell you how stupid their parents are.
I think the #1 thing that makes most teens happy is S.E.X.

Gawd, now they're ALREADY coming up with
something 16 times the resolution than high def tv?!
We haven't even been forced to get high def yet, and already it's obsolete.
Just makes you wanna curl up into the fetal positon
and listen to your 8 tracks, doesn't it?

I love this quote from a Yahoo article about an accident that occurred on the scene of a Tom Cruise movie:
"We have no findings to suggest anyone famous was involved in the accident," said a police spokesman, adding
he did not know whether it would affect the shoot this week.
Damn those pesky unfamous. First they have the balls to get hurt, then
they threaten the rest of the shoot.

guess who's coming to dinner?

My offspring had the right idea. Remember when they stole the home security signs from the neighbor's yard and put them in our yard? On the myth busting show, they talked about whether or not people with home security systems were really safer. What an eye opener.

A couple set their home security system and left. Within seconds, the "professional thieves" (from the show) broke into the basement window, made their way upstairs to the first floor and by stepping onto furniture and up over the banister were able to easily make their way up to the couple's bedroom.

Another myth is that the family dog is the best protection. The "professional thief" said that more often than not the dog follows them around with tail wagging. Sigh.

BUT they said having the signs in the yard WAS a deterrent! Thieves were more likely to go to the neighbor's house that didn't have a sign. In my 'hood, that would be the guy the offspring stole the signs from.....

Sunday, August 19, 2007

under the lover's sky

Only one more week till school starts!! YAY!!!
I can hardly wai--I mean, awww, I'll miss my little boogers. But it's for the greater good. What with them getting all the book they can eventually get a GOOD job and move OUT.

I was invited to join a Google group by a couple of ladies three or four months ago. I joined, but didn't really find the subject matter interesting so I never posted on any sort of regular basis. So this morning one of them sends me an email telling me that if I don't post, I'll be kicked off of the site. Gee, she's breaking my heart.
There's nothing I hate more than a group monitor who's constantly threatening people to post OR ELSE they'll be banished to the ends of the Earth. When they do that, they get a bunch of 'hey, how is everybody?' posts. Granted it is incredibly exciting to hear about people's health problems, but if people have something
to say and they feel comfortable saying it in the forum environment, they will.
In the meantime, leave 'em alone.

Do you think groundhogs care about each other? Say two groundhogs are eating everything in your garden they can get their grubby little paws on. If one groundhog hears the ooh so familiar quiet "snick" of a rifle, do you think he warns his groundhog pal or saves his own ass by hightailing it into the weeds before my da--I mean-- "some guy" blows his head off? Furthermore, do you think a 89 year old man should be shooting a high powered rifle in the first place?
And do you think someone should get their ass kicked by said 89 year old man simply
because she screamed, "RUN, GROUNDHOGS!! HE'S GOT A GUN!!" before he could get a shot off? Just thinking outloud is all.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

bette ROCKS!!

And I love this song! Turn the volume up and enjoy!

all the stars are out tonight

Mr. G and I had a nice time shopping today. We RARELY ever go because we both hate shopping but he was hell bent on me buying my ring at the jewelers instead of online UNTIL he saw the jewelry store prices. I casually picked up a glossy ad outside one of the stores and pointed to the ring I wanted. *insert his LOUD GASP here* LOL! I'm like, "I TOLD ya." When I got home, I ordered the one I wanted to begin with and saved a buttload of $. We went to Ryan's Steakhouse, which is hand's down my favorite restaurant in town. They give you such a great variety of foods. My attitude upon entering the restaurant was "low carb be damned!" I had some FABULOUS mac 'n cheese with crunchy cheese on the top, as well as two slices of pizza. Their pizza crust has improved tremendously. It was always good, but now it's much better. As usual, I had to have their mashed sweet potatoes, complete with mini marshmallows on top, just like Mom makes. Only this time, the potatoes were so mashed that it was like eating pumpkin pie filling. Delish. The dessert bar was rather lacking. I came back to the table with a piece of coconut pie and Mr. G said, "I can't believe you didn't eat a piece of that chocolate cake." I said, "I was going to, but it seemed like too much chocolate." Stunned, he asked me to repeat that. Then he said, "In all the years we've been married, I have NEVER heard you say ANYTHING had TOO MUCH CHOCOLATE." Hey, ya learn something new every day. I warshed all this down with two glasses of brewed ice tea. By the time we got home at 1, the carbs were kicking my ass, but the caffiene in the ice tea had me hinky. I tried to sleep before work, but I was too damn keyed up. I fell into one of those weird sleeps where you THINK you're sleeping, but you can hear everything going on in the room, and got up more tired than when I laid down.

I was watching "Wheel" with my boss tonight, and you know that part where Pat chit chats with the contestants? They always say stuff like, "I'm married to a wonderful man, Pat. We've been together for 20 years." JUST ONCE I'd like someone to say, "I'm married to a rat bastard, Pat. We've been together 20 miserable years. Why I haven't killed him, I don't know. Let's play!"

Speaking of Wheel, I read an article yesterday entitled "Merv Griffin Died A Closet Gay." Of course, the writer wrote it from the altruistic air that Merv could have helped lots of folks had he just come out and admitted the truth. I don't agree with that. I think it was a cheesy excuse to write about the man's homosexuality and play to sensationalism. Totally unnecessary. His homosexuality didn't define him, so why should others use that criteria? There are plenty of other gay celebs who are out, so if Merv wanted to keep that side of his life private, that was HIS business. It doesn't necessarily mean he was ashamed, which is how the media likes to play it. Maybe he realized there was more to his life than the gender of his bed partners.

I'd love to go here, just so I could drink a Diet Pepsi from a bottle one last time. Pop always had such a good, crisp, clean taste from a bottle. Who knew it wouldn't still be around in 2007?

I was watching 20/20's myth busting show last night, and it was fairly interesting. One of the myths they talked about was red cars are stopped more often by the police. I've always heard this one, too. I had to laugh about the fact that lots of people thought red cars cost more to insure. They based that on the assumption that they were involved in more accidents. Anyway, one officer ran all the vehicles that had been stopped through 2007 in one area, and only 3% of those cars were red, meaning 97% of the cars were not red. Another myth was only children are selfish, self-absorbed and demanding. Not true. They actually found only children had higher intelligence because of more one-on-one attention from Mom and Dad. That one came as no surprise to me. I know some great "only's."

I've never been a fan of Jamie Kennedy, but I was waiting for COPS to come on this evening and I caught a little bit of his show. He was an expert at a wine tasting, but the announcer told the participants that he had had mouth surgery. When he came out, his mouth was in a square shape. He had two of those wedges in that the dentists use, and then some sort of clips on the corners of his mouth to make it look square. It was HILARIOUS watching the people try not laugh. He'd take a drink of wine and it would drool out all over his shirt, then his assistant would use one of those suction things they use at the dentist to get the rest of it out of his mouth. It was so funny watching everyone's reaction.

Friday, August 17, 2007

winding down my friday night

I don't know HALF of what he's saying in this song, and I won't even guess, but I love it anyway.

welcome to America, home of the (not so) free

This story pretty much sums up how our gub'ment works now days. If someone is saying something you don't like about a big money making endeavor, don't look into it and see if they're correct, just get rid of 'em.

The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has reportedly removed a senior FDA scientist from work on diabetes drug Avandia because the unnamed scientist voiced concerns about the drug’s safety.

"This new allegation is especially significant and raises our level of concern about FDA interference in safety decisions regarding Avandia," Congressional investigators said in a letter sent to the FDA.

Since 2005, the scientist, a medical officer who was once Avandia’s primary reviewer, believed that Avandia’s risks warranted a strong “black box” warning for its risk of congestive heart failure.

In May 2007, a study in the New England Journal of Medicine found that those taking Avandia had a 43 percent higher chance of having a heart attack.

The scientist was "sidelined after voicing safety concerns," the Congressional letter said, and “was told to stop participation in the review of potential cardiovascular safety problems associated with Avandia.”

The FDA said it did ask for a black box warning for Avandia’s heart risks in June, and an outside advisory panel is meeting to discuss the risks further. The Agency has received the letter, according to FDA spokeswoman Julie Zawisza, and is planning to respond.

Avandia, made by GlaxoSmithKline Plc, brought in more than $3 billion in sales in 2006.

my head is a box filled with nothing and that's the way I like it

I am in an eggcellent mood today for a couple reasons. First of all, Mr. G had a check-up/blood work and it went very well. His insulin level is down to 6.7 from 7.3 last time. Time before that it was 10.64 so I'm extremely happy that he's still showing good results. Seems like drinking the apple cider vinegar three times a day didn't affect his insulin levels so much as it did his cholesterol. That dropped
several points this time. Reason numero dos why I'm happy is we're FINALLY going to the jewelry store to pick out my diamond anniversary band over the weekend. Remember I bought a champagne diamond ring last year, but it caught on something and I dislodged a stone? Well, I've never gotten another to replace it.
Third of all, Mr. G and I are going out for lunch Saturday. Yay! And sady, no, there won't be pics since I haven't gotten a new camera yet.

BTW, to the person who keeps coming to my site googling "gingervitis," it's "gingivitis," but thanks for the laugh.

There's a new Wilfred Brimley diabetes commercial. In it, he says, "you have two
choices when you're diagnosed with diabetes. You can feel sorry for yourself
or you can--"
I have no idea what the second option was because I was too busy screaming, "YES, Wilfred, feeling sorry for yourself is DEFINITELY the way to go. Great idea. Wooo hooo!"

I love the new slogan for Butterfinger--"follow the finger." I wish the manufacturers of Butterfinger would follow my middle finger when the filling of that damn candy bar gets crammed into my teeth. Then I have to follow my finger and dig it out. You notice they never tell you what's in the middle of a Butterfinger, like they do Snickers and Milky Way? That's because it's part sugar, part cement.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

[not so] super trooper

Sex on the hood of his patrol car? Waaaaaa! That's MY fantasy, damn it!
Worst part is he was a hottie. Sigh.

PITTSBURGH (AP) — A state trooper stalked and harassed several women he met on duty — fondling one and beginning a sexual relationship with another — usually by telling them he would overlook their transgressions if they had relationships with him, police said in charges announced Thursday.

Trooper Charles T. Butler III is accused of a raft of misdeeds, including having sex on the hood of his patrol car, using a state police computer to track down a woman and calling a woman so many times that she had to change her phone number.

"It is an absolute concern when a police officer violates the public trust," said Clearfield County District Attorney William Smith Jr.

The accusations laid out against Butler, 37, of Philipsburg, cover the period from 2002 to June 2006, when the state police received an anonymous tip concerning Butler's actions and started investigating him.

The investigation uncovered illegal contact with seven women, five of whom Butler is accused of bribing with favors of leniency in return for attention or sexual favors.

Butler was aware for some time that charges would be filed against him, said his attorney, Joseph Amendola.

"Trooper Butler has maintained ... (that) his relationship with these women was mutual and always consensual, and that none of them ever indicated they felt coerced or intimidated into the relationship with him," Amendola said Thursday. "While he realizes that his involvement with these women may have been improper, he never believed his relationship with any of them constituted criminal activity."

One woman told police that she and Butler, a trooper for nine years, had a long relationship that included having sex on the hood of his patrol car more than a dozen times.

She said Butler let her drive despite knowing she had a suspended license and would stop at her house while on duty to have sex, spending up to two hours per visit, according to a probable cause affidavit.

The woman said she and Butler even set a wedding date but that she broke off the relationship after she saw the trooper walk into a restaurant with his wife.

Butler took another woman to a bar, knowing that she was violating her probation by drinking, then promised not to tell her probation officer, police said. Butler fondled the woman, repeatedly suggesting they should have sex, police said. She said he eventually called her so frequently that she had to change her telephone number.

Another woman had a speeding ticket that Butler had a district judge change to a lesser violation without any "points," and even offered to pay her fine, authorities said. The woman told police that Butler repeatedly suggested they have sex, showing up where she worked and calling her often.

On another occasion, Butler used a state police computer used to trace vehicle registrations to track down a woman he was interested in, police said.

Butler was arraigned Thursday on one count of unlawful use of a computer and five counts of bribery — offering the women legal favors in exchange for their attention — all third-degree felonies that carry up to seven years in prison each.

He also faces numerous misdemeanor charges including six counts of stalking, seven counts of official oppression, eight counts of harassment and one count of indecent assault.

Butler had been on restricted duty since February.

I can't believe it's been 30 years...

I was never an Elvis fan, but these are a couple of my favorite songs....

And my all time favorite....

she's my man

Dang. I hate it when Mr. G and I have our "financial goal sessions".

First of all, don't you have
to have money to set financial goals? Secondly, he never "gets" me. He never understands the genius that is my mind.
We'll be buying a new car at the beginning of next year, and Mr. G felt we should sit down and review our finances. (Again, refer to my first point.)
Mr. G: "We're going to have to look into getting a new car. Now, if you're working and I'm working, I think--"
Me: "Umm, hello? In my plan, we don't NEED to be working to get a car."
Mr. G:(Sighing) "Cast your mind back to the time Female Offspring #1 was a baby, and I told you I wanted to put money away regularly for her college fund. What did you say?"
Me: "I said that it was totally not necessary because I was going to win on the $1000 a week for life scratch off lottery ticket."
Mr. G: "And when it came time for college, what happened?"
Me: "She was forced to pay for it herself, but phew! What a break for us, huh? That was better than winning the lottery!"
Mr. G: What about when we were going to buy the Rio?
You were convinced you were going to win a car and--"
Me: "Credit me with a little common sense, will you? I never, EVER said we'd WIN a car.
I said we could BUY a new car with the money we're going to win from Publisher's Clearing House
when I sent in my order for Beautify Your Trailer Magazine. Big difference, buddy. And btw, that is NOTHING like my new idea!"
Mr. G: (sighing) "Ok, I'll bite. How are we going to get our new car?"
Me: "I'm going to go on The Price is Right and win the THREE car game. We'll sell the two most
expensive cars and bank that money. Then we'll check out the price of the cheapest car.
If it's more than we paid for the Rio, we'll sell it, too, and buy a less expensive one."
Mr. G: "And if by some slim chance you DON'T get on The Price is Right?"
This in a nutshell sums up his entire problem: he never recognizes a sure thing when he sees it.

Once again it's time for "Stupid Spam Subjects" : "I just started having sex and my bf keeps popping out when we do it."
"My bf's cock is too big."
I think these two chicks need to change bf's.

Apparently a reasonable enough time has elapsed in the deaths of Chris Benoit and his family--heavy on the
sarcasm there--sooooo
let the money grubbing begin.

Speaking of the offspring, I made them get out their summer reading lists and show me how many books they've read to date. Most of them had at least half of the list completed. Male Offspring # 4 hands me his list and informs me that he's finished.
Me: "You're finished? You've read this entire list?"
MO#4: "Yep. Three times."
Me: "Three times? Pardon my skepticism, but I haven't seen you with a book all summer."
MO #4: "Book? I don't need a book. I got the list right here."
Me, valiantly hiding the urge to scream: "Please tell me you know you have to read the BOOKS on the list and not just the list itself?"
MO #4: "Huh?"
And to think, I almost gave up drinking and smoking when I was carrying this kid...

Wednesday, August 15, 2007


On the grounds that there isn't a STUD LATTE!!! I'm tired of the GUYS getting all the fun. I want some hott stud to wait on me wearing a cop uniform or a military uniform or a used car salesman uniform!!!!!! Ok, scratch that last one. I got caught up on the moment.

in defense of myself....

You tell me that doesn't sound like "DOUCHE"!!!

how sad

Chandler, AZ -- A Chandler police sergeant was placed on leave Tuesday as the department began an investigation into the death of a K-9 dog in his care.

Meanwhile, the Maricopa County Sheriff's Office announced it will launch a criminal investigation into the death of the dog that died after being left in a hot patrol car by the handler, Sgt. Tom Lovejoy.

"I take this very seriously," Sheriff Joe Arpaio said. "Let's not prejudge the officer. I'm not saying this officer is guilty, but I think it's incumbent for the sheriff to look into it."

Bandit, a 5-year-old Belgian Malinois, died after Lovejoy, head of the department's K-9 unit, left the dog unattended for more than 12 hours in his patrol car after he returned home Saturday morning from work.

County Attorney Andrew Thomas said Tuesday that it is at least a misdmeanor to leave an animal unattended in a motor vehicle. And depending on the incident, it could be a felony or an animal-cruelty charge.

Chandler police had said Monday that Lovejoy would remain on duty.

Since news of the dog's death was made public Monday, Chandler police have received a large volume of threatening or harassing calls from people angry at the officer.

I also read a letter posted by Officer Lovejoy's wife, Carolyn, in which she said this was a "horrific accident," and she stated how much they loved the dog and how he was a part of their family.
I think people need to remember, we ARE human and we DO forget. I recall reading a story not that long ago about a grandfather who forgot he had his grandchild with him asleep in the back seat of the car and that child died of heat exhaustion. Accidents happen.

dream a little dream of me

Clearly, the genius ad exec who come up with the "have a happy period" slogan has never had a period.

I find it interesting--and perhaps this is indicative of how much time I have on my hands--that any health issues I have/had concern the right side of my body.
When I get an earache, it's always my right ear that pains me, I have a fibroid over my right ovary, my gallbladder is on my right side and the pain from that on the right side of my spine, and when the chiro adjusts me, it's always my right hip that goes out, affecting the right knee. In metaphysical studies, the right side of the body represents the masculine principle. My issues are connected to the men in my life, especially my father. And to think, I've wasted all this time blaming mom.

I heard "Blinded By The Light" by Manfred Mann's Earth Band on the way to work this morning. I thought THIS, " Blinded by the light, revved up like a deuce, another runner in the night" was "Blinded by the light, dressed up like a douche into the rumor of the night." Lordy. No wonder the offspring won't let me sing in the car.

Wow. What a huge disappointment the Bill Engvall show is. I hate it when studios overuse canned laughter. It ends up being super annoying.

Valerie Bertinelli is looking great in her new Jenny Craig ads. Then again, one has to wonder how much air brushing and "re-sizing" has been done. Faith Hill looked fab for the cover of Redbook but look how much they "shaved off" her body. (Check out her arm and her waist.) And they went hella heavy on the air brushing under and around her eyes, too. No wonder when I see Oprah on the cover of her mag and then in the rags without any make-up, I always find myself going, "WHOA!" It's a wonder some of these folks are even recognizable in public.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

from the "what the hell was he thinking?!" file....

Did you read the story about the guy in Kentucky who robbed a liquor store while wearing a duct tape "mask"? What an idiot.
Kasey Kazee only got a small amount of money before the owner chased him down with a baseball bat. How the HELL did he think he'd blend in on the street after the robbery with all that duct tape on his face?! Talk about standing out like a sore thumb...

schools been blown to pieces

I'm disappointed Staples hasn't been running this commercial this year. It's my all time favorite.

And I never even saw this's great, too!

Monday, August 13, 2007

i loved you yesterday and yesterday's gone

There's only one thing in this world I can count on when there's a rainstorm in my area: my Verizon wireless will be down.

Did you see this article about the dads who have created a bulletproof backpack?
When asked if they were playing into people's fears, the one father said that his child would be carrying one, but if other parents wanted to "fight the good fight.." then so be it. Here's what grabs my ass, besides his implication that IF a parent really cared they'd buy the backpack: the damn things cost $175 EACH.
Real affordable for the average parent. And that's not even taking into account parents who have more than one child attending school.

I consider myself to be THEE BEST Family Feud player on the PLANET, so when one of my nephews wanted to play at Grandma's house, I was THERE. Actually I was there. I was visiting. One of the questions was: "you should never interrupt a wild animal when he's ---------"
I yelled, "Eating someone else!" Makes perfect sense when you think about it.
Another question was: name something you turn on at work, and
my nephew said, "Computers." Pffffft. Sure it was the number one answer, but MY answer was much more logical. I responded, "Your co-workers." Again, makes perfect sense.

we want the funk

I love this commercial! It's so cute. And for some reason, it makes me think of da Buglet;)

Sunday, August 12, 2007

grand slam my ass

I watched the premiere of the game show "Grand Slam" last Saturday. They pit two previous game show winners against each other--Jeopardy winner Ken Jennings and World....Pop Culture winner Victor Lee was on the show I saw--and they go head to head answering rapid fire questions. They have so many seconds on the clock and the questions go back and forth between the two. If they miss, the announcer continues asking them questions until they get it right, unless they decide to pass to the other contestant. They have so many "switches" (passes) and their remaining seconds carry over to the last round. They have four categories and on this particular show, I thought the math category was EXTREMELY hard. You have to figure out all the answers in your head. Forget that shit.

In between each round Dennis Miller and Amanda Bryan offer commentary. I like Dennis Miller, I really
INCREDIBLY SMALL DOSES. Beyond that he becomes annoying. His references become more and more obscure, and he piles one on top of the other. By the time he gets to the punch line, you just want him to shut up.

Here are my suggestions to improve the show. (Shut up! I just know the producers read my blog!) You don't see the guy who asks the questions at all. Bring the question dude on so we can see him, and dump Miller and Bryan. This isn't a boxing match, and they add NOTHING to the show. We don't need someone telling us who did well and who didn't. We can figure that out all by ourselves by watching the show.

welcome to the goddessdome

In the Silk Soy Milk ads, why are the cows wearing clothes and jewelry?
Standing upright, eating cereal? More importantly, what does it say about cow's milk that a COW won't even drink it?

In my never ending quest for something to watch today, I stumbled upon a show called "Katie & Peter" on Bravo. I have no idea who these people are, but after just ten minutes of their ridiculous drivel, I can say they are self-indulgent, materialistic and shallow. They're British, and she was really difficult to understand, but I did comprehend that whole ten minutes she talked about all the cars she owned: her Jags, Aston Martins and Hummers. This after she went jewelry shopping in the first minute of the show. While the male half of this duo was also jewelry shopping. Wow. Deep stuff. In all fairness, I was incredibly bored. That's why I lasted a whole ten minutes. Before that, I had been watching "Friday After Next". It's about two black dudes who are robbed by a ghetto Santa on
Christmas Eve. Yeah, I was desperate. To make things worse, Katie and Peter was so bad, I went BACK to the movie. It suddenly seemed so much classier.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

midnight at the oasis send your camel to bed

<---Another sticky, sweaty day yesterday. UGH!!

Mr. G was watching some old eps of Enterprise with Scott Bakula.
I said, "How does his hair stay dark? He's in his 50's. He's gotta be grey by now. What does he use? Just For Men In Space? "

I'm thinking the LazyBoy couch and chair were probably the worst things we ever bought as far as Mr. G is concerned. Now he can't even make it through a
6 p.m. show without falling asleep. At least with the old couch he was so uncomfortable, it kept him awake till at least 9.

My neighbor is a HUGE pain in the ass! The neighbor that lived two lots up used to put his lawn chair in the back yard and watch our place for most of the afternoon. I tried not to let it bother me when I was out hanging laundry or doing yard work, but it drove Mr. G crazy. When the neighbor in between us decided to build his garage in the back yard across from our place, the only GOOD thing was it that blocked the view of the other neighbor. So now the garage is facing our living room window where I sit and work on my laptop. It's just across the street, several hundred feet away. The neighbor recently lost his job, and now his favorite past time is setting up a frigging lawn chair in the garage pointed directly at our place. It's ten times worse than the other neighbor because he's so much closer. When it's really hot like this, I like to walk around in my exercise clothes, which consists of my stretch pants and black workout bra. Do you know how many times I've walked into the living room to find him staring at my damn window? Even though I have curtains, sheers AND shade film on the window, I have no idea how much he can or can't see, so I'm immediately having to back out of the room and put on a shirt. And let's not even talk about how many times I've walked out of the shower naked and into the living room to find him there. UGH!! I'm sure the view is no prettier for him than it is for me, but damn it, he needs to park his ass on his deck, which faces the OTHER neighbor. When they weren't home at different times, I've had Mr. G walk over and see if he can see me at the table, and some times he can't see me at all, other times he can see me clearly. I guess it depends on how the sun hits that window. I had the table pulled forward because I enjoyed the view--before his bulky garage there was nothing but wooded areas--and I even pulled it back behind the curtain so I had more privacy. I won't even start my damn Tae Bo unless his garage doors are closed because I don't want people staring at me while I'm exercising and bouncing up a storm. I just feel like my privacy is being invaded, and I'm one step away from closing the curtains permanently, and I hate to do that because that leaves me with no view.

Yippee! It rained like hell yesterday and the humdittity finally broke.

they wanted to be one less, one less

Remember the big push for ALL young girls to get the Gardasil vaccination against HPV?

Here are some of the latest stats for this supposedly safe vaccine. Can you imagine allowing your child to take a vaccine you think will keep them healthy only to have one of the following reactions?

A review of the National Vaccine Information Center revealed the following statistic about this vaccine: 2,207 adverse reactions to Gardasil have been reported. Among them:

* 5 girls died
* 31 were considered life-threatening
* 1,385 required a visit to the emergency room
* 451 of the girls have not recovered as of July 2007
* 51 of the girls were disabled

According to one public-interest group "Gardasil may be more dangerous than consumers were led to believe." Big surprise there.

forgive me, father, for i am sweating profusely

After the last couple days of high humidity we've had, I am feeling this priest's pain. Sure I think he's a kinky nut job, but I'm feeling the pain.

FREDERICK, Colo. (AP) — A Catholic priest faces an indecent exposure charge after jogging in the nude about an hour before sunrise.

The Rev. Robert Whipkey told officers he had been running naked at a high school track and didn't think anyone would be around at that time of day, a police report said.

He told officers he sweats profusely if he wears clothing while jogging. "I know what I did was wrong," he said in the report.

Whipkey did not return phone messages. His attorney, Doug Tisdale, told the Daily Times-Call of Longmont that Whipkey had no comment.

Whipkey, 53, was arrested around 4:30 a.m. June 22 in this town about 20 miles north of Denver.

The Archdiocese of Denver said it takes the incident seriously but is awaiting the outcome of the case. Whipkey remains an active priest.

If convicted of indecent exposure, a misdemeanor, he would have to register as a sex offender, prosecutors said.

if you're happy and you know it, clap your paws

Yesterday I absolutely DRENCHED with sweat. Yes, I made the mistake of actually trying to move around. Ugh. I hate these hot and humid days.

That ghoulish Bugs sent me a picture of her new front lawn decorations. Geez, I'm HOPING she waits till Halloween to put these out...

Ghoulish AND funny. I love it!

Wow. Some things are really meant to be. Mushy, you can skip this paragraph, it's kitty cat related. Remember the kitten my M-I-L said she didn't want anymore and Holly rejected? Well, Mr. G did some asking around and found one woman in a nearby community that placed animals. She called last night and she said to me, "I'm sorry, but I have so many cats to place right now, and there's only one woman I know who wants a kitten. But she wants a very specific look. She's looking for a black cat with white paws."
I said, "That's exactly what he is."
She was floored.
Cat Lady faxed the woman a pic and told me she probably wouldn't be able to pick up the cat until the weekend. Long story short, his new owner picked him up last night. She drove all the way from DuBois, which is about a 2 - 2 1/2 hour drive, so we know he went to someone who really wanted him.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

somebody's a fudge packer....

Methinks Officer Robert Galusha might be quite the candy eater, too.

I hate to say it, but if I were ever arrested, it would be for something like this....

AUGUST 6--A Maryland woman who had fudge packed in her purse was arrested last week on charges that she burglarized an Annapolis candy store. Catherine Anne Delgado, 35, was nabbed after police responded to the Maryland House Hotel, where they found her crying in the lobby. According to an Annapolis Police Department report, Delgado had chocolate smeared on her arms and shirt, and there was so much unwrapped chocolate in her purse that it was spilling out onto a hotel sofa. Eagle-eyed Officer Robert Galusha recognized the fudge "to be of the same type which is sold at A.L. Goodies" a block from the hotel. A check of the candy store revealed a break-in, which was captured on several surveillance cameras. As cops investigated, Delgado unsuccessfully tried to flush fudge bricks down a hotel toilet. The "large amount of fudge" clogged up the toilet, reported police. Delgado was charged with swiping ten fudge loafs valued at about $70 and five M&M pretzels worth $19.45. Annapolis cops snapped the below photo of Delgado before transporting her to a local detention center.

daddy dearest

I'm pissed. Read this and then come back.

I'll wait.

*whistles the theme to The Andy Griffith Show while digging lint from her bellybutton*

Ok, now that you're back, Speedreader, here's why I'm pissed: they're down on this guy and they're ignoring some important points here. First of all, he was SPENDING QUALITY TIME with his daughter. He didn't leave her home with some strange sitter. He didn't slap her in day care. He took her along. Secondly, maybe he was going to let her pick out a few pawn shop toys she'd like to have, like "Sell Me For Drug $, Elmo" or "Easy Bake Crack Oven"? Again, being a good dad. And on the upside, he wasn't drunk at the time he robbed the store. Give the man a little credit.


read this while humming the Star Spangled Banner, please

Hi, my name is Goddess and I am unAmerican.

I know this because, today, when I was in the grocery store shopping for overpriced crap to feed my family, I passed over Stephen Colbert's Americone Dream Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream for the ever popular Banana Split. I actually bordered on treasonous when I lovingly held Willie Nelson's Peach Cobbler, but I settled, people. I settled for the politically impartial Banana Split. But, I did HOLD Americone Dream for several seconds. That should count for something.

And may I just say that when you're lusting for a banana split and can't get to a Dairy Queen near you [or you don't have your teeth handy], nothing is better than eating all of the banana split ingredients pureed into ice cream.
Sign me,
UnAmerican in PA

buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks, i don't care if i never get back

I read an article that said 75% of Americans will be
overweight by the year 2014.
Look at me. The one time in my life when I'm NOT procrastinating....

Mr. G's car is at the garage getting inspected and repaired, so he's using mine.
He walked in from work last night and I said, "This is BULLSHIT! I want my car back.
I can't go anywhere! I can't do anything! I'm stuck here in this cesspool of a trailer day in and day out! I can feel all my hopes and dreams drying up inside me!"
He said, "I've only had your car one day..."
This is what happens when I don't have any chocolate in my stash.

I was reading an article not long ago about Michael Vick in which Jesse Jackson asked the people not to pre-judge Vick, to allow due process of the law.
Now a Chicago man is dead and the family insist the cops "executed' him by use of taser. The cops say he was combative and they used the taser to subdue him.
Jesse Jackson is "lending his support" to the family, who, he says, will "pursue legal action."
Jesse said, "It seems that these rough and violent cops are breaking the law and must serve and face the judgement bar as everybody else would for violent behavior."
Wow. Seems like he's already made up his mind about guilt and innocence. Huh.
Wonder what happened to not pre-judging people and due process of the law? But, if he's wrong, I'm sure Jesse will step up to the plate and admit it. Juuuust like he did in the Duke Lacrosse rape case.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

your help is needed in this most important matter!!

You may be able to help me. As always, when I need advice or counsel I turn to my most trusted friends. I do this because I know you will always be candid and honest with me. I need your opinion on something that has been bothering me for some time now. I am counting on you so please don't let our friendship influence your answer. Thanks in advance!

Does this bikini make my butt look big?

figures my courage would choose to sell out now

I've added SpongyBones to my link roll. Ssssh, don't tell, but I stole him from Carol. Hey, that's what she gets for leaving town! Anywho, check him out. He's very funny. And I just love that name...SpongyBones. No doubt that's what I'll have when I'm 80. If I don't land in the obit page first.

Here's a fun web page for you to check out.
BTW, is it a mere coinkydink that my first name means "Strange"? I'm sure it is.

I forgot to mention when I was discussing obit pics that Mr. G has told me he is going to use my hideous 5th grade picture in my obit. I told him that if that was the case, he'd better make damn sure I'm really dead before they publish it. I'm not really worried about it, though, because I have a picture of him and his sister taking a bath together when they were little kids, and I plan to use that one in his obit. AND I'm telling the paper NOT to whack his sister out of the pic.

Oooo, I had fun separating all my books out from the used book sale last night. (I know that sentence totally jives with your impression of me as a sex crazed, wild woman!) I have several piles: one for books I've already read and picked up by accident (only had 2 of those!), one for duplicate books I picked up (again, only 2), one for books I want to read right away and one for books I can wait on. ALL books dealing with cops and sheriffs are immediately bumped up to "nightstand status". They don't even go into a pile. Books with cowboy heroes get special consideration. I started with a book I had read before--the hero's a sheriff--and this is my favorite passage--gets me every time I read it and I think I've read this book about four times now: ' "I want you, Maggie. Very much. Feel me. Feel what you're doing to me." He unwound one of her arms from his neck and placed her hand on the fly of his pants.' That makes me hella horny because Mr. G used to do that all the time when we were dating, and I think it's such a sexy move to be French kissing a man and rubbing him through his pants at the same time. Sigh.
I finished that book, and now it's 10:30 and I'm halfway through my second sheriff related romance novel. I am in hog heaven!! Nobody is going to get a lick of work out of me for the next few days. Thank God I'm not living at home anymore. All I wanted to do was curl up with a good book in the summer (winter, spring & fall) and all my mother wanted was for us to do the laundry and the cleaning. Ugh. Many is the time I'd sneak to my room to read a few pages, so being able to do it now without anyone yelling at me is pure Heaven!
It's strange that we loved reading so much when my mother was NOT a reader. Then again, the Bookmobile brought around FREE books for us to borrow, so that might explain it! When my sister and I were little, we'd sneak flashlights to bed so we could read under the covers after my mother turned off the lights. LOL! I still think of that and laugh. We had these pink plastic Princess telephones that had rotary dials and they really worked. Course they ran on batteries and were connected by a million wires, but the wires were long enough to pass between the two full sized beds in our bedroom. (There were four of a us to a bedroom. UGH. Talk about a lack of privacy. Thank God I was too young to know what privacy was.) Anywho, we'd sneak the phones under the covers, too, and call each other up and talk. The funny thing is we could have just as easily whispered with our heads ABOVE the covers, instead of suffocating under the blankets.
To this day, my mother often says, "All you girls were readers!" That's motherspeak for "I had to chase you down every few minutes and make sure you were doing the job I gave you, and not hiding in your room reading." I'm grateful I do love to read. Like a young child, I am often lost in the daydream brought about by a good book. There's nothing quite like it!

Monday, August 06, 2007

hey there deliah what's it like in new york city

I was listening to one of my favorite songs today, Big Girls Don't Cry, by Fergie. As much as I like the song, one line stands out as being stupid. She says, "Like the little school mate in the school yard, we'll play jacks and uno cards." What the HELL kind of school did she go to that they played Uno at recess?! Someone else tried to tell me she was saying "jacks and unicorns," as if THAT made total sense. At least she didn't feel the need to spell out words in this song, though, so I give her credit for that.

I love this story from China. Check out some of those loving slogans. My favorite is "one more baby means one more tomb." I have a couple slogans for them that are a tad more upbeat. How about, "Wow. You could have had a V8!" or "One less kid means more room in the womb," or simply, "Stop procreating, damn it!" I love the fact that it says the slogans are printed on buildings in "rural areas". China must have trailer trash, too. Good thing the Duggars don't live in China. They would have been kicked out of the country about 15 kids ago...

Ooooh, color me orgasmic. I went to the annual library book sale and was able to score ten romance novels for a BUCK. They're $5.50 a book now, and $6.50 for those overly taxed Canadians. And it's a sure bet that any used book sale will have a glut of romance novels. Yes, indeed, there's nothing I love more than a good orgasm. I mean used book sale.

I saw a trailer trash ep of COPS that I love.
Two little kids were in a physical altercation while the one kid's mother watched. When the cops
first approached the mother, she said, "I told my daughter if they hit you, you hit them." "
Cop: "Didn't you try to stop them?"
Trailer Park Terri: "We let them fight it out between themselves. This is a trailer park."
Cop: "It doesn't matter if it's a trailer park. You didn't step in to break it up?"
I think it's at this point that it dawns on Trailer Park Terri that she might be in some sort of trouble
for standing by and letting the kids duke it out, so she changes her tune, and starts saying stuff like, "My
daughter knows better. She knows not to fight. We don't fight, do we?" she asks while lovingly stroking the Muhammed Ali wannabe's head.
Then she continued trying to impress the cops, "We don't use violence to solve things. We try to talk things out, work with people."
She gave it her best shot--no pun intended--but it was too little too late. It was apparent the cops didn't buy it, especially when
the one cop remarked that she was hardly setting a good example when she was fighting with the neighbor's wife.

You know how it bugs me when people in their 80's use their high school picture in their obit? It sucks me in every damn time. I'm like, "OMG! I wonder what happened to this eighteen year old! They were in the prime of their li--eh, crap. He was 83. Well, it was his time." (Notice how I get incredibly philosophical when I realize the person is in their 80's? I won't be feeling so philosophical when I'm in my 70's.) Ok, second thing that bugs me about obit pics is when they put in one of a person smiling widely. Wouldn't a more fitting picture be of the person crying their eyes out? They're dead, for Pete's sake. What do they have to laugh about? It's like they know something I don't, and it bugs me. I'm having Mr. G take a picture of me holding a sign that says, "Awww, shit. I'm dead. Don't laugh. Your time is coming." and I totally intend to cry and look all forlorn. It'll garner me more sympathy points;).