Sunday, July 08, 2007

i remember when i lost my mind

Why are the cops in my fantasies so different from the cops in my 'hood?
In my fantasies, they're a white hott muscular wall of testosterone. And heterosexual. (They're always eager to call for "back up," too, for some odd reason....)
In my hood, they're old and crabby and mean. No comment on their sexuality because I can't see past crabby. The cops were on my doorstep early Sunday morning when I got home from work.
They were upset about the thick black smoke filling the trailer court. I'm like, "Hey, what makes you think we have anything to do with it?"
He pointed to the 4th of July tire fire..............still burning steadily, and smoking like a bingeing chain smoker. I claimed mere coincidence. They claimed I had an hour to put it out. Mutter, mutter.
So I hosed it down. Hey, how was I to know that would create even MORE smoke?!
I am a Goddess. Not a firewoman. And while Male Offspring #1 is great at starting fires, he's not so great at putting them out.

I finally figured out a way to make fast money. Since the oldsters in the neighborhood seem to get such great enjoyment sitting in their lawn chairs watching me cut grass, I'm going to make grass cutting a Pay Per View event.
If they can't shell out at least $15 to watch me sweat like a whore in church, I'm confiscating their lawn chair. Personally, I think they ought to be ashamed of themselves. My dad is 88 years old and if he saw a woman cutting grass, he'd get his rider out and help. These lazy asses are perfectly content to watch me walk an acre instead of helping even once. Shame on them.

I was watching tv late last night and I saw a commercial for patenting. The guy said, "I was in my workshop and I got an idea."
If this had been a porn flick, it wouldn't be too difficult to figure out what a guy alone in his workshop was doing...


bugs said...

Are you sure you don't want me to send Da Buglet over your way to help with the lawn work? He loves it. I can't wait until he gets old enough to push the damn mower.

Stacey K. said...

Let me guess, he was tooling around in his workshop, or playing with his tools, or reinforcing his manhood with the use of a big-ass tool? I do this all day. :-)


*Goddess* said...

Bugs, I hate to disillusion you, but unless you have a way cool riding mower--which I think you do--kids only want to do yard work when they're TOO YOUNG to do it. Once they're old enough, you have to force them.

Oh he was playing with a tool alright, Stacey...LOL.

*Goddess* said...

BTW, I see ya finally broke down and got yourself a Blogger I.D. ;)

Anonymous said...

Oh, I logged into an old gmail account today and suddenly I now have this screen id I never had before or with any of my other google or gmail accounts. Weird.

Anonymous said...

See? It didn't do it this time and now I'm back to putting my name at the end of my comments again.



*Goddess* said...'s dickin' you around;)

Shrink Wrapped Scream said...

Took a PICTURE of her?? Gee, I'd be mad as hell, NOONE takes my picture if I haven't got my lippie on. As for those would-be kidnappers, shame they don't live around my neck of the woods, if they stole any of mine, they'd be begging me to accept money to take them back..

*Goddess* said...

The only funny thing about the case, Carol, is that they came in and took the baby during the middle of the night, then came back in the morning and told the mother to come get it. She didn't even know he was missing yet! LOL! I'm guessing the poor kid got on their nerves big time....

BRUNO said...

"The man with the dirty, dull tool is always the "odd man out" with the ladies."

A favorite line of my old shop-class teacher! He was referring to being a "handyman" around the house!

Of course, us "boy/men" didn't see it that way!

We always DID wonder why he spent so much time in the store-room, taking "inventory", he always said.

But TWICE a day???

Guess he was "honing the edge" on his TOOL....!