Friday, July 20, 2007

as we lie beneath the stars we realize how small we are

I fear my cousin is raising herself a little four year old drama queen. Not that I would know anything about that. She asked me if I would babysit for an hour or so yesterday and I've watched Amy before so it was no big deal. I work right near their home, so I stopped after work and picked her up and took her to my place. We went to the store along the way and I told her she could pick one toy to leave at my house because I babysit her once or twice a month, and most of the toys at my place have dog drool on them. She threw a hissy fit in the store because she wanted two toys. I had a feeling that if I said she could have two toys, she'd want three. The kid has every damn toy under the sun, I had a hella long day and I just wasn't putting up with her crap. I work too hard for my money to spend it on someone who doesn't appreciate it. I said, "One toy or no toy. The decision is yours." She picked a tea set. We came home and she wanted to play tea party. No problem. She also wanted Holly and the cats to play tea party. Now Holly is no problem because she's at my side all the time anyway--granted, she wasn't wild about having to wear a bib that read "Grandma's Little Angel"--but you'd have a better chance of getting a cheetah to dance the Electric Slide than you would at making the cats play tea party. I told her that her doll and stuffed monkey wanted to play tea party instead. So we all sat down and I THOUGHT we were having a lovely time. I'm sitting there gulping down my tea, and suddenly Amy picks up the doll and whoops it across the room. I said, "Why did you do that?" She said, "My doll said she didn't like the tea." The poor monkey was probably shaking in his blue sneakers at this point. One wrong comment and he'd be history! Dollie should have put some whiskey in her tea like I did. Makes the whole babysitting experience go so much more smoothly.

My niece is considering having a large family, so naturally she came to moi for advice. I said, "It's a very tricky situation. The more kids you have, the more of a risk you take that not all of your kids will realize that mom and dad aren't the root of all their problems BEFORE it's time to slap you in a home. Lots of times, you have that one lone hold out that blames you for every miserable thing that's ever happened to them. That one kid who refuses to grow up and accept responsibility for their own life. The one that is in their 40's still screaming about the time you didn't buy her that DAMN CHRISSY DOLL FOR CHRISTMAS, and how it's ruined her entire life FOREVER!!! That's the one you have to watch out for. That's the one that will put you in a cheap home for the elderly." Isn't that right, Mom? A big family? It's a crap shoot.

The new Underdog movie looks so cute. If I could only figure out who's doing the voice. Sigh.
Nope. I'm not getting any better at this sort of stuff.

Male Offspring #5 is begging for the Moses and Goliath Bible action figures. Gee, there's a sentence ya don't hear every day.
Gawd, why can't he smuggle Playboy into his room like every other kid in the trailer park? Instead, I find the New Testament under his mattress. Anywho, I bought him the David action figure but ONLY after he promised to stop preaching to his siblings. Of course, he preached to them anyway, and the last time they were "digging a pool" they pushed him into the hole and refused to help him out. And I certainly wasn't looking for a rope until The Young and The Restless was over. Hey, Nick returned from the dead that day! I just know that if I continue to buy all these Biblical action figures, it won't be long before his siblings put Mary Magdalene in a compromising position with Jesus...........and the 12 apostles. Can ya tell I still haven't gotten over the Three Wise Men boffing the sheep and the cows yet?

Noooooooooooooooo! Hasbro has recalled the Easy Bake Oven. Again. How the hell am I supposed
to get the offspring to bake cakes for me if I have to keep schlepping this damn thing back to the store?

4 comments:

R.A.M. said...

I' glad you posted that about the oven my daughter has one so I guess I'll have to look it up.

david mcmahon said...

G'day goddess,

Relax - the world needs lots of drama queens!

In about 20 minutes I'm going to answer a question of yours - and I'll include a link to your site.

I think you might like this one!

Keep smiling

David

Chewy said...

Underdog's voice sounds like Earl from "My Name is Earl".

I could "Google" for the answer, but that would be no fun.

*Goddess* said...

Yeah, Chewy, Bugs said it is Jason Lee. I hate it when the voice is so familiar to me, yet I can't put a face to it! Thanks.