Tuesday, July 03, 2007

all i got is 2 cigarettes and this broken heart of mine

Poor Male Offspring #6. He spent the entire night tossing and turning worrying about his essay for Vacation Bible School. The teacher made them write a few paragraphs on how they demonstrate being an apostle in their daily lives. You know it's a really bad sign when the kid has to ask his parents how he does that. Unfortunately his daddy wasn't available to take a call at the county jail, and I was as clueless as MO #6. So I sat down with him and tried to help him out. I said, "Did you do anything nice for anybody at any time this week?" He shook his head no. "This month?" Negative. "This YEAR?" He thought for a minute and said, "There was that time I wanted to beat up a fat kid at school, but didn't." Jesus would be so proud.

While I'm on the subject of writing, I had to write a eulogy over the weekend for a funeral I attended on Monday.
I was rather nervous about the whole thing because I've never been asked to speak before. It's so hard to sum up an entire life in a few short sentences. Harder yet when you want it to touch others and let them know how your life has been changed by their loved one. When I write, I like to have a "theme" that ties the whole piece together. For this eulogy, I chose a literary theme, and began it thusly, "You were the best of hamsters, you were the worst of hamsters. It's been said that there is a time to be born, a time to die, a time to run the wheel incessantly, which you did. BTW, the time to run the wheel is not three a.m. when we're all trying to get some damn sleep!! But I digress. Furball, *I paused here for dramatic effect* we hardly knew ye." Ok, that was pretty much the entire speech. Hey, not like I got paid to write that shit.

I was driving through a shopping area after work yesterday, and I was in the righthand lane of a four lane road.
[Two lanes in one direction, median strip, two lanes in the other direction.] Beside me to the right was a big convenience store with a nice sized parking lot. Without signaling, the chick in front of me moved over the left lane, then swung back across the right lane and turned into the convenience store lot. If your driving is so challenged that you need to swing into the left lane to turn right, you seriously need to go to driving school.

According to The Today Show, one "lucky" couple will have their entire wedding planned by Martha Stewart. Gawd, that's brutal.
Can you imagine the incredible nitpicking that woman would do over flowers and tablescapes and favors? No thanks. My fantasy wedding would be on a nearly deserted, white sandy beach, early evening. It would be me, the hott (much younger, but fiercely devoted) cop I'm marrying and the justice of the peace. Our witnesses will be two of his straight hott cop male friends who will then be joining us on our honeymoon. (Sorry, I got carried away with the "fantasy" part. Don't even get me started on the honeymoon gangbang....) Anywho, I'd be wearing a pair of comfy straight legged jeans and a man's white sleeveless ribbed t with bare feet. I'd wear a circle of flowers in my hair and I'd be carrying a bouquet of wild flowers. He'd be wearing his full uniform..LOL. Hey, I dig guys in uniform. Nah, he'd be wearing a loose long sleeved white dress shirt and jeans, bare feet.


Mushy said...

Now that's back to the old Goddess...funny stuff - "Jesus would be proud!"

Your cigarette title reminded me that this week began a 42 cent hike in cigarette taxes in Tennessee...shore glad I quit when they went to 75 cents!

Fathairybastard said...

LOL, you kill me babe. Hilarious. And that wedding scene was HOT! Hey, I just remembered I've got a picture somewhere of me in my old security guard uniform, from back at the country club. You game?

*Goddess* said...

Thanks, Mushy. WOW!! 42 cent increase? I don't like to date myself--I'm much too expensive and I never put out--but when I began cashiering out of high school, cigarettes were 45 cents a PACK. I don't smoke, but it seems rather unfair to me to get these people addicted then slap a slew of taxes on them.

Am I game, FHB?? Does a priest like altar boys?