Tuesday, July 17, 2007

2 a.m. and she calls me cause i'm still awake

The offspring are accusing me of gnoshing on my chewable calcium tablets as if they were candy. I can't help it. The damn things taste just like Smarties. I always buy a liquid calcium/magnesium softgel, but I couldn't find any when I went shopping, so I was forced to buy the chewable ones, which I dislike because I think the sugar negates the health benefits. Lord knows I've eaten my share of Smarties in life, but at a time when I'm trying NOT to eat sugar, these certainly don't help matters. Speaking of Smarties, here are some of my favorite candies from when I was a kid, because I know you're DYING to know this about me: the aforementioned Smarties, Flying Saucers (they taste like communion wafers with candy beads inside), Atomic Fireballs and Jawbreakers, (they helped fuel my love of sucking on things...), Kits and MaryJanes, Nigger Babies (hey, I didn't name 'em), Fizzies, Sugar Babies (no relation to the nigger babies) and Necco Wafers (also used as Communion when we "played" "church"). Geez, you can tell I grew up Catholic. BTW, you can still buy a lot of these old candies at The Vermont Country Store. They even have Beeman's, Blackjack and Clove gum!

Speaking of the offspring, I can't WAIT for school to start.
Once again, they've stolen Male Offspring #6's beloved ball o'twine and his pictures of the world's largest Ball of Twine in Cawker City.
I solved his problem by telling them that the first person to return the items would NOT get an ass kicking. My offspring are nothing if not disloyal to each other.
We go through this every few days. They get bored and they start picking on one another. Just last week someone stole Female Offspring #4's Bedazzler and Bedazzled all the underwear in the trailer. And let me tell ya, the guys were NOT happy about to find their "flaps" had been Bedazzled shut.
Sensing a retaliation, I immediately hid all the label makers in the vicinity. That's all I need. Bedazzled underwear with 56 labels all reading "underwear" on them.

Female Offspring #1 has taken an internship in another city and she's temporarily staying with a friend of a friend. Trying to quell the "mother fear" in the pit of my stomach when I found out the "friend" was a guy, I oh, so casually said, "So what do you know about this guy?" She said, "Don't worry, Mom. He's short and scrawny and I could definitely take him in a fight." It's like she read my mind.

9 comments:

Chewy said...

I recently purchase two little tin boxes with plastic handles and wonderful graphics of Smarties and Bazooka Bubble Gum embossed on them. Of course they were filled with candy. Gotta go back and get the teeth-chipping Atomic Fireballs.

*Goddess* said...

Yes, but do they STILL contain candy, Chewy;)? Mine sure as hell wouldn't....

Chewy said...

Candy? Definitely! I just ate 3 mini Tootsie Rolls and 3 little Bit-O-Honeys. Just better not stick and pull off my crowns.

Fathairybastard said...

Girl, I used to go to Sam's and get a big thing of Fire Balls and eat them all. Loved the hell out of them, until I started worrying about my teeth cracking. Before that, my thing was Red Hots. Still nab a few Smarties now and then when I find them. Screw the Type 2.

*Goddess* said...

ALL of them? Ya got me beat. I'm the "color inside the lines" one fireball at a time kind of gal. Possibly because I almost choked on one in the sixth grade. Oy. That's something ya never forget.

Oooo, I forgot about Red Hots! And Lemon Heads! Damn, I remember more about the candy in my childhood than I do the people and events.

*Goddess* said...

I used to love the Bazooka Joe comics, Chewy. And for some odd reason, the smell of that powdery bubble gum;)

Shrink Wrapped Scream said...

Flying saucers and bazooka gum.. mmmmmm, never could resist either. I know what you mean about school holidays - I have to hide half the grocery shop when it arrives, they are like a host of locusts! The constant rain has given us all cabin fever, I'm scared the youngest is going to end up eaten by someone before school gets back..

BRUNO said...

DAMN YOU!!! You "shop" at the Vermont Country Store, too?

Another good place for "old, working retro" is Lehmans, especially if you're into original Aladdin lamps, and other associated items.

*Goddess* said...

Hey, I gotsa get my olde candy fix somewhere!