Tuesday, July 31, 2007

but dahling, i'm telling the truth

Star Jones is admitting to her legions of fan that she had gastric bypass, surprising absolutely no one. And the world issued a collective *yawn*.

Speaking of gullible people....

This will look great hanging over the old mantle, huh?

And even more gullible people....Zsa Zsa Gabor's latest husband, Frederic Von Anhalt
was found naked and tied to the steering wheel of his vehicle after he was robbed by three women. He said they approached him and said they were his fans. Ok, 'fans'? That should have been a big clue right there.

<---Thank GOD someone had the foresight to snap a pic before they untied the man, "stripping" him of what little dignity he had left. (And after the whole "Dannilyn is my baby" fiasco, trust me, his dignity is in short supply at this point in time.)

Thanks for the heads up about the pic, Bugs & Stacey!!

just another manic monday

Normally I don't have problems with "Mondays," but yesterday was the pits. First of all it was hella hot and humid, a dreaded combination as far as I'm concerned.

I came home from work to find the elliptical machine was broken. We sheared off a bolt and now we have to beg the neighbor--former machine shop worker--to see if he can fix it.

I figured hell, I'll use the exercise bike and watch Court Tv. I couldn't get a damn signal on Direct Tv. This is about the tenth time in the last week or so. How clearly I recall the famous last words of the Direct TV dish installer, "Where I placed your dishes, you'll NEVER have to worry about interference from the trees or anything else." As Grandma would say, "Bite me." Oh, and "never say never."

Even the damn cat is broken and Mr. G has to take him to the vet to see what's wrong. That's weighing on our minds a lot. This particular cat has a Pavlovian response to anything/anyone moving in the vicinity of the kitchen, yet he hasn't eaten in about four days. ("Beggar Boy" was not a bestowed title. It was definitely EARNED.) He's taken small bites of tuna and that's it. BUT he's very clean and he doesn't seem to be in distress, so I thought maybe he was having problems with his teeth. Last night, however, he peed in the house, which is not a good sign....in more ways than one.
The vet always asks 2 main questions: is he going to the bathroom in the house and is he eating? Unfortunately he's failing on both counts. I'll feel better just knowing that he's ok.
He's Female Offspring #1's favorite cat and we all had the pleasure of watching him being born, along with his four sibs. I'll never forget it, the little bugger came out tail/ass first....LOL! Then he sat up and looked around and FO #1 said, "He looks like a little Buddha," and that's how he got his name;).
His mother died two years ago of liver problems, so I hope he's not going to go through the same thing. They were so funny together. They used to sit out on the front porch every night. We used to joke about him being a Mommy's boy. One night he was laying in the middle of the road beside our house and I was afraid he'd get hit by a car, so I kept calling him and calling him. Of course, he just ignored me. His mother was standing beside me, and she gave out a sharp "meow," as if to say "get your ass over here," and he got right up & came a runnin'. I'll never forget it.

Monday, July 30, 2007

blonde on blonde

Thanks, Bugs!

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention; and, to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up.

He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

i was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar that much is true

I read in the paper today that Ike Turner is not angry that St. Louis Mayor Francis Slay refused a request to celebrate "Ike Turner Day."
Hmm, I wonder what one would do on Ike Turner Day? Slap the crap out of your spouse?

I read a review of the Simpson's movie that said the first 20 minutes were hilarious.
Hmm, considering the movie is 85 minutes in length, I'm not sure if that's a good sign or a bad sign.

Uh oh....I'm two years over the limit. Time to start shaving my goatee....

I can't help it, the "hello kitty, goodbye dignity" line has me LMAO.

i'd like to be under the sea

<---How could I have forgotten THIS little gem yesterday? There's no place like gnome...

When did my Sunday comics turn into mini soap operas?! For Better or For Worse is total drama and boring bullshit.
Cathy can't obsess about her weight any more if she tried. And what the hell is up with that damn Funky Winkerbean that they dropped into our paper recently? Please I know that if you cartoonists put your mind to it, you can make these comics way more depressing than they already are!!

Some of my friends told me about what good health results they got from putting a tsp. of sea salt in their drinking water. (tsp per gallon) So I decided to try it.
Damn. It was like drinking an enema. So I cut it down to 1/2 tsp per gallon. Yuck. It is definitely an acquired taste. It makes my stomach feel odd. Not nauseated, but it just feels weird.

Hmm, I know infomercials always toss in extras, but the ad for the razor that throws in a Chef's knife is a bit odd.
As if that wasn't funny enough, the offer for the razor that "lasts a lifetime" is buy one, get one free. If you only have one face and one lifetime, why do you need two razors?

I just saw a report on Headline News about how single women are leading child predators right to their kids by including info about the children in their online dating profiles. The investigator in the piece said that women should leave out any information about their kids and ESPECIALLY leave pics of the children out of their profiles.

Flipping channels Sunday, I heard more of "Scott Baio is 45 and Single." It's the same shit, different chick.
Once again, he was asking another chick from his past what his problem was. It makes me laugh that they all tell him he was a cheating, lying, irresponsible scumbag, and after they get finished telling him what an absolute jerk he was, he says, "I'm trying to figure out what the flaw in me is...?" Apparently the arrogant, lying prick thing doesn't ring any bells for Scott.

Some of the graduates from Class 355 of the Los Angeles Sheriff's Academy posting on the Fox forum have really ruined The Academy for me.
They're whiny and all pissed because they feel the show didn't portray them in a good light. Wow. A reality show that doesn't portray people in a flattering light. Can you imagine? Apparently they've never seen Hey, Paula. One condescending person said we were "living and breathing the show" and we weren't smart enough to realize it was edited for tv. Yeah, that would account for the big "DUH's" written on all of our foreheads. Another reminded us that the people in the show were real people, not "actors". Oh for Pete fucking sake. Another was all, "what if someone recognizes us in public? Our cover is blown." What freaking cover do they have? They're not in the James Bond Academy. Besides, the show airs on the Fox REALITY channel, not NBC. I know a ton of people who have never even HEARD of the station, let alone heard of the show. I can't believe how ungrateful they're being, though. Not one has been appreciative of the opportunity to be on television and part of a show that allows people to see what men and women go through in order to become deputy sheriffs. Hell, they aren't even grateful people are watching. If there's a season two of this show featuring a new class of recruits, I'm going to have to seriously think about whether or not I want to even watch it. Yeah, they've ruined it that much for me. One said they HAD to sign the waiver to be on tv. Nobody put a gun to their head. I'm sure they could have opted out of the class all together if they were that uncomfortable with the cameras being present.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

honk if you love to be humiliated

Saturday I came home from work to find a package had arrived for me in the mail. After showing all the offspring and dancing to the tune of 'hahahhaha...somebody loves ME and not YOU...hahahahaaaaa," I opened the box. Good freaking grief. My aunt is nuts. She sent me a boxful of new clothes for those stupid geese. Check 'em out.

We have the Halloween outfit

We have the scarecrow outfit...I guess to scare off all the crows from my stoop. HUGE problem here in da court...

We have the baseball outfits, in case I decide to carry them to the stadium with me...

We have the golfing outfits, because we all know that if there's one thing geese love, it's a good game of golf...

And then THEE MOST FRIGHTENING goose outfit of all...I give you, the cammo goose. Fuck those magnetic car ribbons. Nothing says "I support our troops" like two geese dressed in military outfits!!! I bet you'll even find them on the front stoop of the White House!

Because my mama raised me up right, I sent my aunt a thank you note: "Dear Aunt Kay, thanks so
much for the geese outfits and for making me the laughingstock of the trailer court. May I just say that is not an easy job........."

When did my Sunday comics turn into mini soap operas?! I read the comics to LAUGH, damn it. For Better or For Worse is total drama and boring bullshit. Cathy can't obsess about her weight any more if she tried. And what the hell is up with that damn Funky Winkerbean that they dropped into our paper recently? Please I know that if you cartoonists put your mind to it, you can make these comics way more depressing than they already are!!

Some of my friends told me about what good results they got from putting a tsp. of sea salt in their drinking water. (tsp per gallon) So I decided to try it.
Damn. It was like drinking an enema. So I cut it down to 1/2 tsp per gallon. Yuck. It is definitely an acquired taste. It makes my stomach feel odd.
Not nauseated, but it just feels weird.

Hmm, I know infomercials always toss in extras, but the ad for the razor that throws in a Chef's knife is a bit odd. What I found funny was the offer for the razor that "lasts a lifetime" is buy one, get one free. If you only have one face and one lifetime, why do you need two razors?

Saturday, July 28, 2007

hott child in the city

Female Offspring #1 sent me an email yesterday that made me giggle with glee. It said, "I got pulled over by the cops today! I guess he would have been good looking, had he not been a cocky bastard. Didn't get a ticket though."

Now here's why this makes me giggle: for months now every time she has seen a cop or gotten stopped by a cop--and let's just say it's been more times than I've ever been stopped in my life--I would say, "Was he hott?" and she would say, "Mom, I don't know! I don't notice cops."

NOW she's noticing....LOL!! I'm a firm believer of the theory that if you repeat something long enough, people will catch on to your way of thinking;) Now if I can just get her to start taking their picture.......

LOL!! I love it!

Friday, July 27, 2007

burning down the house

Wow. Some people really take this internet stuff seriously. I read an article in the paper today about a man who became incensed when someone called him a "nerd" on the 'net.
So he drove 1300 miles and burned down the dude's trailer. Geez, isn't living in a trailer enough suffering for a person to endure? Along the way, the guy took and posted pics of the states as he was entering them. I guess to let the nerdee know that he was really on his way.

And the story about the astronauts flying while drunk? Who cares? Not like they're going to hit another space shuttle in outer space. Or make a wrong turn. I don't think there's much chance a hott cop will pull them over for an FWI. So what's the worst that could happen? They might leave the left turn signal on for the entire trip.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

chicken man! he's everywhere! he's everywhere!

Three guys who were charged with soliciting sex in Painesville, OH have been ordered to dress like chickens and wear a sign that says, "No Chicken Ranch in Painesville." One can only wonder what the judge would have made them dress up as had they robbed a sex toy shop?

I had to laugh at the judge making the people who stole the Baby Jebus from the Nativity scene dress up as Mary and Joseph and walk with a donkey. Forget Mary and Joseph. He should have made them dress up as the donkey!

reel 'em in, boys

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, summer. Reminds me of that
great fishing trip Mr G and I took a few years back.....back.....back......

Complete with pics of us!

hee haw!

Here are some of the craziest excuses for being late that bosses have heard:

Here are the top 10 examples of the most unusual excuses employees offered their managers for arriving late to work:

1. Someone was following me, and I drove all around town trying to lose them. (Yeah, probably the police.)
2. My dog dialed 911, and the police wanted to question me about what "really" happened.
3. My girlfriend got mad and destroyed all of my undergarments.
4. I woke up and thought I was temporarily deaf.
5. I just wasn't "feelin' it" this morning. (LOL! I love this one!)
6. I was up all night arguing with God. (I can't even COUNT the amount of times this has happened to me!)
7. A raccoon stole my work shoe off my porch.
8. I super-glued my eye thinking it was contact solution.
9. I was putting lotion on my face when my finger went up my nose causing a nose bleed.
10. A prostitute climbed into my car at a stop light, and I was afraid my wife would see her and think I was messing around... so I got out of the car. (Uh huh. Sure she did.)

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

more of the weirdness that is Paula Abdul

Bugs sent me this link about Paula. Watch the video under "Creative Editing My Ass."

On her show, Paula has this huge emotional meltdown--one of many--about how the people behind the Bratz movie fired her after she's worked SOOOOO hard, blah blah. However, it's being reported that she QUIT.

I LOVE the line where she says, "where is God when you need Him?" If that huge chip ever fell off of Paula's shoulder, we might find out that she's much taller than she looks. What a phony.

open wide

<---The ONLY TIME IN LIFE when the "spit, don't swallow" rule applies!!!

Bugs sent me the link to this site, and I thought the pics were great, but this was my favorite. The G version of this site is here.

Thanks, Bugs!

such a fine sight to see

Found a new "Penis for Lunch" story for the link below. This one works. Thanks for letting me know it was defunct, Mushy!

Had a great dinner out last night with Mr. G to celebrate our upcoming 27th (and counting!) wedding anniversary. Along the way, the cyclists were coming through the area for the Tour deToona, so I got to see several area hott cops, standing along the road looking...........well, hott.

I mentioned watching the new TNT show, Saving Grace, the other day.
Grace is played by Holly Hunter, and she's a rough, tough cop who drinks too much and drives too fast. One night, while driving under the influence, she hits a man with her car and kills him.
She said something to the effect of, "Oh, God help me," and an angel appears and does just that.
This sort of stuff ONLY happens on tv. God has never sent an angel to me in a life or death situation. For instance, just the other night I was laying (lying? who gives a shit?) in bed, using my Hitachi wand. While it might sound like an instrument you use in a magical act, it's my electric vibrator. I was just on the verge of experiencing a Screaming O when Holly came into the room, turned in circles like a damn cat, and plopped her ass right down on the cord, yanking it from the wall socket. Immediately I said, "NOOOOOO! This can't be happening to me! God, move her ass off of that cord, pronto!!"
But did He? Nope. Did He send an angel to move her ass? Nope.
Now I'm sure there are those who would say, "Masturbation is wrong! That's why God didn't let you orgasm!"
To them, I'd say, "Surely God has more important worries than what I'm doing with my cooch!"
Except for that cord thing. He should be on top of that.
Anywho, this is a line from the show--yes, I was talking about Saving Grace--that I thought was great. This is after Grace has been "saved": "So I'm supposed to what? Change my life? Go to church? Be nice to people? That's bullshit."
TNT will be offering free eps online.

I love these vids of Michael Moore ripping into Wolf Blitzer. And Wolf's defending Sanjay like they're bf and gf.

Penis for lunch, anyone?
It's funny, damn it.
Notice how the people think it's funny, but they don't really want to admit that on tv, so they all immediately play the "kid card".

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

me, me, me, it's all about ME!!!

Why oh WHY did I click on Rain's blog tonight? She tagged me for a doggone meme. Too bad ya just can't back out of a site quietly and pretend ya didn't see the tag, huh? LOL!

BTW, Rain, of course that cop let you go with a warning. He got to see two chicks making out;) He probably went back to his cruiser and jacked off.

I'm not gonna tag anyone, but if you like the meme, repost it in your blog and reveal you little secrets.


1. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.
2. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
3. People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
4. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
5. Don't forget to leave them a comment telling them they're tagged, and to read your blog.

Random Fact About Me #1: My favorite gift would be a gift cert to a bookstore or a jewelry store.
Random Fact About Me #2: I never spent any time in the presence of an African American person until I reached the 9th grade and transferred to public school, so I was very intimidated by them.
Random Fact About Me #3: I HATE IT when someone uses the word "hisself." It's like fingernails down a chalk board.
Random Fact About Me #4: Ok, this one's a little dirty. I want to watch two gay guys have sex, and be the one to tell them what to do;)
Random Fact About Me #5: I have a HUGE fear of being raped/murdered.
Random Fact About Me #6: I watch Court TV more than any station, which might account for why I have a HUGE fear of being raped/murdered.
Random Fact About Me #7: One of my favorite things IN THE WORLD to do is going to used book sales or used bookstores.
Random Fact About Me #8: I wish I had had more children.

Where do pets come from?

Anybody who has ever owned cats know THIS is the truth...

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, “I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT o be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.

what happens in my trailer stays in my trailer

ATP writes: "Dear Goddess,
The following is apparently a true fact:
Women who read romance novels make love twice as many times as those who do not read them. Do you agree or disagree?"
Well, in all fairness, I don't know how often those who DON'T read them are having sex, but GOOD romance novels--ones where there's lots of sexual tension between the characters--make me EXTREMELY horny, every bit as much as a good porn vid would. And Mr. G has been on the receiving end of that lots of times.

I watched "Saving Grace" last night and LOVED IT. It's a new series on TNT.

I have discovered THEE PERFECT time to get my teeth cleaned by Chatty Cathy. Remember how she drove me nuts last time and took over an hour to do my teeth while she yakked on and on about her "omg, he was gay!" ex-bf and
his love of theater? Gawd, somebody make up a t shirt please to pass out to these clueless chicks: men+love of theater=GAY. Anywho, I had a noon appointment today, and I said, "Don't you guys eat lunch at noon?"
She said, "No, we go from 12:30-1." Let me tell you, I was out of that chair in under 20 minutes. Everybody sing: "And that's the way, uh huh uh huh, I like it uh huh uh huh."

I read an interview the other with the guys behind COPS and the one guy said that people are often accusing of mugging it up for the camera, but he said it wasn't true. Then added, "they don't even see the camera." Um, hello?
How could they NOT? Unless all cops are followed around by guys with huge lights and cameras. In an interview that was released right before the 600th ep aired
John Langley said, "Yeah, they're very receptive. I mean, we have people say "Get that damn news camera out of my face," and my crew will say, "We're not with the news, we're with 'Cops'," and they'll go "Cool!"
Aren't playing to the camera, huh?

Drew Carey is replacing Bob Barker. Bob is supposedly fine with it. Well, sure Bob is fine with it. He's probably hoping like hell Drew flubs up, thus securing Bob's place in history as Most Beloved Host of The Price is Right. LOL...
I think maybe they should have auditoned several people and let the people vote on their favorite, American Idol style.
I don't watch Price often, but I'm bummed they didn't pick John O'Hurley.

Mr. G and I are going out to a fanceee restaurant to celebrate our anniversary. Ok, ok, we're going to Ryan's Steakhouse.
And no, I WON'T be taking pics of my food and posting it. I'll leave that to the professionals, Mushy & FHB.
I'm still at that stage of my life where I just enjoy eating the food, not preserving it for all time in photos.

Monday, July 23, 2007

drew carey, COME ON DOWN!!

Drew Carey is going to replace Bob Barker on The Price is Right?! I don't think I'm that wild about this idea. I think John O'Hurley would have been PERFECT. He's a classy dresser like Bob, off the cuff funny, gentlemanly and very easy on the eyes.

I like Drew, but I don't know how he's going to do in the game show setting. I can't stand him on that improv show of his. Damn. Guess we'll have to wait and see. I wasn't wild about John O'Hurley replacing Richard Karn on Family Feud and now I really like him.

she wore an itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini

I've been seeing this story on CNN about a lawn care maintenance service in which the chicks wear bikinis to do yard work. I have no problem with the business. What pisses me off is that the women do the work and the women have to look good, while a MAN is the boss. He's earning $ off of the women's bodies, and they need to freaking wise up and take control.
I love the way the owner said in an interview, "In the fall, we'll go out and pick up leaves in the bikinis, if need be."
No, not "we," the CHICKS will be doing it.
Another pathetic example of how women become employees in businesses in which they should be bosses.
And, of course, it all takes place in wacky Tennessee. Mushy, time to dump that riding lawn mower!

Wow. This is a very sad story. You try to help a friend and you end up dead.
Sadder that she pleaded "not guilty" instead of ponying up for the friend she killed.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

what a waste of a career

I can't believe two officers have lost their jobs over this stupid video.
Although five seconds into his dialogue, I felt Officer Grossbard should have been fired for his horrible Scottish accent. And for failing to get a clear shot of the hott cop in the convenience store. But to call this video "racy" because someone added "me so horny" is absurd.

The question uppermost in my mind, though, is if they're working, how do they have so much time to fool around and make videos? I know this was done on city time and while in uniform, and that's why they were really fired, but the "time" just didn't fit the "crime". There was no malicious intent here. Suspension without pay for a few weeks should have been enough. I do love the media's efforts to make this vid sound like it borders on porn.

(Click on "watch video" to the right of the story)

driving slow on sunday morning

Gotta check out Rain's site this morning. She found a response someone wrote to a Craigslist ad and posted it.
It's blunt, funny and 100% honest. I'm sure this person was saying stuff most of us married women want to say to cheating men. I'm just sorry she couldn't have finished her rant with a good hard slap to the idiot's face.

I walked into our local Auto Zone yesterday and said to the guy behind the counter, "I'd like to talk to you about a problem I'm having with my car."
He said, "What's up?"
I said, "When my husband and I are having oral sex in the car, the gear shift is constantly hitting me in the side.
I suggested we move things to the back seat, but my husband says he has no leg room back there. What do you think?"
After a few minutes of staring at me, he said, "Lady, why are you asking me?"
I said, "Duh. Your sign says, 'Auto Parts, Accessories, and Advice.' I'm here for the advice."
He just continued to stare blankly. I said, "Fine, but may I just say you're the LAST person who should be giving advice."

On COPS last night, some dude was arrested for domestic violence. He blamed his chicky pooh friend, and the cop asked what they were arguing about. He said she wanted sex, then that she wasn't too satisfied with his efforts. Hey, hell hath no fury like a sexually frustrated woman. They don't call it a Screaming O for nothing.

From PC World, this article shows you legit looking messages you might get on your computer that are bogus and full of malware.

I watched a snippet of The Girls Next Door and they were picking new Playboy Bunnies.
One of Hef's bedpartners said, "I was suprised to see so many educated girls with great personalities. We want more than a pretty face." And yet, basically all they had them do was wear a bikini and turn front and back. One chick never even SAID anything and they're like "You're hired, don't even bother."
Clearly her education transcended all conversation.

Congrats to Aodhan Cullen, creator of StatCounter, for being named the BusinessWeek Young Entrepreneur of the Year!! I definitely voted for him. I luvs me some StatCounter. I've never seen a free stats program that offered real time stats and so many other extra information. I was shocked to find out that Aodhan started offering StatCounter at age 16! Holy shit. At 16, I was busy dreaming of being Mrs. David Cassidy. I certainly wasn't well on my way to becoming a millionaire. Damn you, David Cassidy!!!! You wasted the best teen years of my life!!!

Saturday, July 21, 2007

the ultimate driving machine

And you thought the universal language was love.

Funny spam email subject o'the day: "Don't block your desires because of your small penis." LOL!

I have a secret that I've been loathe to share, but I can't keep it inside anymore.
Here goes, and KEEP AN OPEN MIND: my dog Holly is a carpet licker.
Nooooo she's not a lesbian. I wish! She literally licks carpets and it's making me CRAZY. I can't stand the sound it makes and yes, it makes a sound. She started licking the bedroom carpet, and damn it, she's got it so clean in one spot that it's obvious I need to shampoo the rug. Hmm, maybe I could slowly get her to clean the entire thing? Hmmmmmm....NO! I wouldn't be able to stand the sound.
Now she's living the living room rug, and I'm telling ya it's so clean by the time she's finished, I'm ashamed. Maybe they need to make carpet shampooers less brush like, and more dog tongue like....
My husband said, "Maybe she's lacking something in her diet?" I said, "What? More shag?"
All I know is it's working my last nerve.

Wow. You have to wonder what they put in some of these prescription drugs.
I was watching tv last night and I saw a commercial for Miraplex, a pill for restless leg syndrome. The announcer lowered his voice--a sure sign he's about to run through a long list of side effects--and I couldn't believe it when he said, "contact your doctor if you experience compulsive behavior or the urge to gamble." Damn. For a leg medication, they give you something that "stimulates the part of the brain linked to pleasure and reward-seeking behavior"? Dang. I'll stick to my cal/mag/postassium combo, thanks.

On The Soup, they showed a clip from Paris Twiton's reality show, in which her and Nicole Richie and some dude were "lost" in the mountains.
It showed Paris calling 911 to be rescued, one of them falling to the ground--probably Nicole, she hasn't eaten in weeks anyway--and Paris sobbing because it "got cold." Ummm, maybe it's the skeptic in me, but how lost can you be with a camera crew following & filming your every move?

I heard on the news that critics are saying Victoria Beckham's reality show is barely watchable. The New York Post called Monday night's show "an orgy of self-indulgence" and described Beckham as "vapid and condescending." Another accused her of posing constantly. Oh, stop. Now I'm just DYING to see it so I can make fun of it.
But barely watchable? Come on. They've obviously never seen "Hey, Paula" or "Being Bobby Brown" or "Chasing Farrah". I did LOL at Victoria saying "I'm just a normal girl from London." It just makes me laugh and laugh when celebs spew this sort of stupidity, not unlike Paula did a couple weeks ago when I watched her "show".
No "normal girl from London" has the press following her, documenting her every move.
Again, I do NOT see the press' fascination with this couple. I think it's more about
the people behind soccer in this country who are shoving them in our faces.
The ironic thing is that he might not even be healthy enough to play in the first game.

Friday, July 20, 2007

tell me

5 things you'd like to do before you die

quick joey small ran over the wall

Geez, just when I think I've read the "dumbest criminal" story EVER....along comes another one.

one more reason i love this man

Mr. G goes to work early in the morning, and when I woke up this morning, I found he had put my anniversary card on the dresser for me to find. On the envelope it said, "To my beautiful wife". He's never called me that before! I'm over da moon.

as we lie beneath the stars we realize how small we are

I fear my cousin is raising herself a little four year old drama queen. Not that I would know anything about that. She asked me if I would babysit for an hour or so yesterday and I've watched Amy before so it was no big deal. I work right near their home, so I stopped after work and picked her up and took her to my place. We went to the store along the way and I told her she could pick one toy to leave at my house because I babysit her once or twice a month, and most of the toys at my place have dog drool on them. She threw a hissy fit in the store because she wanted two toys. I had a feeling that if I said she could have two toys, she'd want three. The kid has every damn toy under the sun, I had a hella long day and I just wasn't putting up with her crap. I work too hard for my money to spend it on someone who doesn't appreciate it. I said, "One toy or no toy. The decision is yours." She picked a tea set. We came home and she wanted to play tea party. No problem. She also wanted Holly and the cats to play tea party. Now Holly is no problem because she's at my side all the time anyway--granted, she wasn't wild about having to wear a bib that read "Grandma's Little Angel"--but you'd have a better chance of getting a cheetah to dance the Electric Slide than you would at making the cats play tea party. I told her that her doll and stuffed monkey wanted to play tea party instead. So we all sat down and I THOUGHT we were having a lovely time. I'm sitting there gulping down my tea, and suddenly Amy picks up the doll and whoops it across the room. I said, "Why did you do that?" She said, "My doll said she didn't like the tea." The poor monkey was probably shaking in his blue sneakers at this point. One wrong comment and he'd be history! Dollie should have put some whiskey in her tea like I did. Makes the whole babysitting experience go so much more smoothly.

My niece is considering having a large family, so naturally she came to moi for advice. I said, "It's a very tricky situation. The more kids you have, the more of a risk you take that not all of your kids will realize that mom and dad aren't the root of all their problems BEFORE it's time to slap you in a home. Lots of times, you have that one lone hold out that blames you for every miserable thing that's ever happened to them. That one kid who refuses to grow up and accept responsibility for their own life. The one that is in their 40's still screaming about the time you didn't buy her that DAMN CHRISSY DOLL FOR CHRISTMAS, and how it's ruined her entire life FOREVER!!! That's the one you have to watch out for. That's the one that will put you in a cheap home for the elderly." Isn't that right, Mom? A big family? It's a crap shoot.

The new Underdog movie looks so cute. If I could only figure out who's doing the voice. Sigh.
Nope. I'm not getting any better at this sort of stuff.

Male Offspring #5 is begging for the Moses and Goliath Bible action figures. Gee, there's a sentence ya don't hear every day.
Gawd, why can't he smuggle Playboy into his room like every other kid in the trailer park? Instead, I find the New Testament under his mattress. Anywho, I bought him the David action figure but ONLY after he promised to stop preaching to his siblings. Of course, he preached to them anyway, and the last time they were "digging a pool" they pushed him into the hole and refused to help him out. And I certainly wasn't looking for a rope until The Young and The Restless was over. Hey, Nick returned from the dead that day! I just know that if I continue to buy all these Biblical action figures, it won't be long before his siblings put Mary Magdalene in a compromising position with Jesus...........and the 12 apostles. Can ya tell I still haven't gotten over the Three Wise Men boffing the sheep and the cows yet?

Noooooooooooooooo! Hasbro has recalled the Easy Bake Oven. Again. How the hell am I supposed
to get the offspring to bake cakes for me if I have to keep schlepping this damn thing back to the store?

Thursday, July 19, 2007

i just wish it were required of all fda bigwigs

Jock Doubleday, director of the California non-profit corporation Natural Woman, Natural Man, Inc., has offered $75,000 to the first medical doctor or pharmaceutical company CEO who publicly drinks a mixture of standard vaccine additives.

The additives would be the same as those contained in the vaccines recommended for a 6-year-old according to U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) guidelines, and the dose would be body-weight calibrated. It would include, but not be limited to:

  • Thimerosal (a mercury derivative)
  • Ethylene glycol (antifreeze)
  • Phenol (a disinfectant dye)
  • Aluminum
  • Benzethonium chloride (a disinfectant)
  • Formaldehyde (a preservative and disinfectant)
On August 1, 2007, if no one has taken the challenge, the offer will be increased to $90,000 and will increase at a rate of $5,000 per month until someone accepts.

cum on feel the noise

Jon Stewart was interviewing Matt Groening about The Simpsons movie and he mentioned something never thought about. If you watch the show, you know that they married after Homer knocked up Marge in high school. Yet Bart is 10 and Homer is 38.....

Go here and check out the pics in the Country Magazine Photo Contest.
I LOVE #5 where the boy and the dog are sharing a slice of watermelon. It is so cute, and it got my vote.

The guy from the gas company showed up at work on Wednesday to change the meter.
He said, "I'll be turning off the gas now."
I said, "Please make sure it's all turned off. I'm not ready to go KABOOM yet."
He said, "Don't worry. Neither am I."

Female Offspring #1 called me into the living room yesterday and pointed to a picture of some cattle wearing bright yellow electronic ear tags.
She asked me what it was, and before I had a chance to explain what the tags are used for, Male Offspring #2 chimes up and says, "They're price tags, ya dummy! That's why they have numbers on them. Don't you know anything?"
The sad thing is he was serious.

Day Two of heat and humidity in PA.
How I miss my illegal alien lawnboy Manuel on days like these. When I finished exercising, he would lick the sweat from my breasts.
Hey, don't judge me! It was included in his deluxe "lawn care package".
I had to pay an extra $5 a month for that service!

My "goose for all seasons" aunt is visiting this week. I had forgotten how funny she is. She's very superstitious of speaking ill of the dead, but that doesn't stop her from doing it. She thinks it's ok as long as you add "may he rest in peace" after your comment. So she was talking about my cousin's late ex-husband, and she said, "You don't know how many nights I prayed his penis would fall off!
He cheated on Deb left and right, that scumbag, that filthy piece of trash, may he rest in peace."
LOL! I thought that was extremely hilarious.

Damn it. It's like my favorite reality show, My Life on the D List, no sooner gets started and it's over. The season finale is set for this coming Tuesday already.
Does Kathy do like five shows a season or what? Speaking of my favorite reality show, CONGRATS to Kathy for being nominated for her 2nd Emmy in the Outstanding Reality Programming category. I hope she wins this year. It's comical to me that she's not allowed to do the red carpet reporting but she's nominated.
You can tell the quality of mainstream tv is low by the number of nominations
Two and A Half Men received. Ugh. That show blows. I don't understand how it stays on the air.

Wouldn't you have liked to have been the arresting officer in this case?

If you're going to build a "secret" lair for having sex with 'tutes and using drugs,
have the smarts to pay the damn builders. They're a bitter bunch.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

my daddy thinks i'm fine

Rule #1: if you're going to murder someone, AT LEAST have a decent reason for doing so.

I saw Senator Vitter giving his "I fucked up" speech on tv, with his wife by his side. If my husband cheated on me, I could not stand by
his side in front of the entire world as if I continued to support him.
I'm a bit surprised she did it. She said once that she was more like Lorena Bobbit and if her husband ever cheated on her, she'd come away with "one thing" and it wasn't alimony.

I love these commercials for programs like Jenny Craig and LA Weight Loss. They'll depict people who have lost 50-100-150 pounds and then you'll see the disclaimer "results not typical." Then why the hell are you showing them?!

My boss was watching The Today Show this morning when I came in and Paula Abdul was the guest. Matt Lauer was interviewing her about her show and asked her what people would learn about her from the show.
Paula said, "That I'm working all the time and that I'm ...." say it with me, kids, "exhausted."

If you want to get a lot of hits to your site this weekend,
Simply write the words "And the two characters who get killed off in 'Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows' are..........."
anywhere in your blog. You don't even have to know the answer. The teaser is good enough. Color me wicked.
It makes me laugh the way they've been keeping this book under lock and key. But it turns out Deepdiscounts.com has been sending the damn books out since Tuesday. LOL! And to add insult to injury, they were selling it for $17.98 with FREE shipping
Male Offspring #1 asked me to loan him the $ to buy ten copies of the book. I said, "That's so sweet. You're buying copies for your brothers and sisters."
He said, "No, I'm going to "autograph" them and resell them at a profit." Knowing him, he'd sign them "Harry Potter."

Oh, for the love of Pete. I can see breaking into someone's house to watch porn onetime, maybe two, but FOUR? If this was my son, I'd sit his ass down and give him a lecture. I'd say, "Boy, pony up and buy your
own damn porn and hide it, like every other red-blooded American male. A DVD is about $20, and that's a hell of a lot cheaper than going to
court for two counts of burgulary and one count of grand theft!"

Speaking o'the offspring, yesterday was Female Offspring #1's first day in her new internship. Mr. G and I were laying on the bed having "quality time," and I said, "I'm still worried about that guy she's staying with.
She assured me he was a "friend of a friend," but how well does the first friend know the second friend? And how well does FO#1 know the first friend?"
Mr. G said, "Let's call her and find out how her day went." That's parental speak for "let's get the lowdown on this guy."
I said, "Ok, but BE DISCREET!! I don't want her to know we're worried about this guy."
He gets her on the phone and says, "Sooooo, how was your first day of work?" Then I hear, "Uh huh.....uh huh....that's good. How much do you know about this guy you're staying with?"
And then, "well, you tell him that if he doesn't take good care of my daughter, I'm going to kick his ass."
Yeah, I'm guessing she had no idea as to why we really called.....

if you want to get a lot of hits to your blog this weekend....

Simply write the words "And the two characters who get killed off in 'Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows' are..........." anywhere in your blog. You don't even have to know the answer. The teaser is good enough. Color me wicked.

It makes me laugh the way they've been keeping this book under lock and key. But it turns out Deepdiscounts.com has been sending the damn books out since Tuesday. LOL! And to add insult to injury, they were selling it for $17.98 with FREE shipping;)

they're trying to make me go to rehab

I heard this song on the radio for the first time this morning and I can't stop singing it. I love it.

this is dedicated to FHB

Mmmmmm, liquid sugar..........................

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

2 a.m. and she calls me cause i'm still awake

The offspring are accusing me of gnoshing on my chewable calcium tablets as if they were candy. I can't help it. The damn things taste just like Smarties. I always buy a liquid calcium/magnesium softgel, but I couldn't find any when I went shopping, so I was forced to buy the chewable ones, which I dislike because I think the sugar negates the health benefits. Lord knows I've eaten my share of Smarties in life, but at a time when I'm trying NOT to eat sugar, these certainly don't help matters. Speaking of Smarties, here are some of my favorite candies from when I was a kid, because I know you're DYING to know this about me: the aforementioned Smarties, Flying Saucers (they taste like communion wafers with candy beads inside), Atomic Fireballs and Jawbreakers, (they helped fuel my love of sucking on things...), Kits and MaryJanes, Nigger Babies (hey, I didn't name 'em), Fizzies, Sugar Babies (no relation to the nigger babies) and Necco Wafers (also used as Communion when we "played" "church"). Geez, you can tell I grew up Catholic. BTW, you can still buy a lot of these old candies at The Vermont Country Store. They even have Beeman's, Blackjack and Clove gum!

Speaking of the offspring, I can't WAIT for school to start.
Once again, they've stolen Male Offspring #6's beloved ball o'twine and his pictures of the world's largest Ball of Twine in Cawker City.
I solved his problem by telling them that the first person to return the items would NOT get an ass kicking. My offspring are nothing if not disloyal to each other.
We go through this every few days. They get bored and they start picking on one another. Just last week someone stole Female Offspring #4's Bedazzler and Bedazzled all the underwear in the trailer. And let me tell ya, the guys were NOT happy about to find their "flaps" had been Bedazzled shut.
Sensing a retaliation, I immediately hid all the label makers in the vicinity. That's all I need. Bedazzled underwear with 56 labels all reading "underwear" on them.

Female Offspring #1 has taken an internship in another city and she's temporarily staying with a friend of a friend. Trying to quell the "mother fear" in the pit of my stomach when I found out the "friend" was a guy, I oh, so casually said, "So what do you know about this guy?" She said, "Don't worry, Mom. He's short and scrawny and I could definitely take him in a fight." It's like she read my mind.

Monday, July 16, 2007

give me one moment in time when i'm more than i thought i could be

Wow. Thanks to R.A.M. over at Tall Cool Drink of Water for bestowing an award upon my blog. I believe it was the "Deep Thinkers Award" or the "Blogger Most Likely To Make Me Think Deep Thoughts" award.

Ok, the word "think" wasn't even involved. (Big shocker there.) It was the "Power of Schmooze" award. Sadly, it came with no money. That electric bill isn't going to pay itself, gurl!!

i beg your pardon, i never promised you a rose garden

LOL! I love this....

Hott damn. Seems FHB is goin'a visitin' and Mushy asked for my phone number so they can harass me while intoxicated. If I know Mushy, I'm guessing he'll gather a LIST of people to harass while intoxicated. Ya know, I'm thinking SEPARATELY they're probably pistols, but TOGETHER?! I know I should probably be worried, but I gave him my number: 1-900-hott-sex. Hell, if they want to talk to me, they can pay the $1.99 a minute just like everybody else I know.

Every time we talk about the "good old days" when Mr. G used to "run roughshod" over his rinkydink town, he tells me this one story. Boys will be boys I guess, but I fail to see why this is sooooo damn funny. I've probably told it before. I hear it so many times, I can't remember if I wanted to mention it or if I did. Remember when cars were fun and you could fit three people in the front seat? (Made the drive-in interesting.) Three guys would sit in the front seat--I'm assuming because none of them was pussy enough to sit in the back by himself.
(Ok, I didn't know that, my husband told me that. Another weird "boys thing" I didn't know.) When they'd see someone from school they knew, the passenger on the end would duck down quickly and reach over and honk the horn. To the person on the street it looked like the driver was cuddling up next to the passenger, thus making them "gay". My husband is 58 and this story STILL makes him laugh every damn time he tells it. He said it's the "pure genius of it all." Uh huh. You stick with that line, honey. He loves this story almost as much as the one about where they'd play "King of the Hill" and the loser got pushed into a pile of pinching ants or into the sewer ditch. Gawd, boys are sadistic:) Give me a compact and a purse and you've got a great game of Girl From U.N.C.L.E on your hands. And solving crime is so much more fun!

What's the difference between a plastic grocery bag and Michael Jackson?
One is made of plastic and dangerous to children. The other is a plastic grocery bag.

I spent last night watching tv with the little red headed kid. (Yes, Goddess has a ginger kid.) Male Offspring #7, I think. I gotta stop calling him "Hey, you, the little red headed one. Yeah, you." I think it's damaging his self-esteem.
(Do 5 or 6 year olds have self-esteem?) Damn, I wish I could remember his name. I recall that when he was born, I decided to name him after a famous red head, so that I would never forget his name. I wanted the name to be unique, as well as memorable. There aren't that many famous gingers, so let's see. Lucille Ball? Nope, didn't name him Ball, although it would have made for a hell of a great name. Molly Ringwald? No, Ringwald is too close to ringworm. Prince Harry? Nope, didn't name him Prince. While Bozo sounds like a cool name it wasn't that, either. Who's left? Opie? No. Oh, wait. THAT'S IT!! I named him Ron after Ron Howard. How could I have forgotten a famous name like that?

And now, just because I can't stop singing it in my head...

this is dedicated to the one i love

Sunday, July 15, 2007

i'll be on my way

I scream, you scream, we all scream for National Ice Cream Day!!

It seems to me that ESPN is a TAD desperate to fill up it's programming schedule.
I thought the Scrabble championship and the spelling bee championships were bad enough, but a freaking rock, paper, scissors championship? Are you kidding me?!

The only good thing about working Sundays is afternoon tv on Bravo. You can't beat it for cheesy drama. The funniest show I saw today was, "Scott Baio is 45, and Single." It should really be called "Scott Baio is 45 and Single, and Nobody Gives a Shit." Most of the show I saw was about how much Baio HATES being called "Chachi" in public. First of all, he can grow the fuck up.
That character gave him the money and the start that he needed. He was a NOBODY before. (Still is in my book.) Secondly, now that's he's thrown his little sissy fit and said multiple times how much he HATES being called "Chachi" in public, how many people do you think are going to call him that just to piss him off? He was asking all his friends and his therapist why they thought he wasn't married. Here's a quarter: buy yourself a clue. The words "self absorbed jerk" might be in the answer. I'm sure the fact that he admitted cheated on every woman he's been involved with had nothing to do with it. All this show is doing is making his therapist rich. This show is just another celeb being a drama queen. At one point, he agreed to do an autograph session for a big twenty minutes. A woman asked him for a kiss and he said, "I can't do that, my dear. I can give you a hug, but I can't give you a kiss. I don't know where you've been." Very condescending, and considering his cheating ass, that's hilarious. Then he had his friend come in and whisk him away under the guise of being ill. And whoa, has Erin Moran aged badly.

What is the media attraction with Posh and David Beckham? I just don't see it. I know they're trying to kick start soccer in this country, but eh.

Heard on the Family Feud: Name the hardest position to play on a baseball team: quarterback.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

who's gonna drive you home tonight?

Wow. Just when you think kids can't come up with any more dumb ideas....

What a difference in generations. The keys to my dad's car could have been laying in the palm of my damn hand, and I would NEVER have even given a thought to taking them and going joy riding. This whole notion that leaving the keys hanging around the house is a "temptation" is crazy. You SHOULD be able to leave your keys in plain sight, and not have to think your kid is stealing your car behind your back. Damn.

The really pathetic part of this story is that so many of the kids are saying their parents ALLOWED them to drive before they were licensed. 44% of the parents surveyed said they allowed their child to drive unlicensed. What the hell are they thinking? Sadly, you reap what you sow. A 14 year old does NOT have the emotional intelligence to be behind the wheel and make split second life or death decisions. Hell, a lot of us adults don't have that.

with arms wide open

Vlad sends me this link, along with a hefty dose of skepticism.
He thinks perhaps these kids might be....dun, dun, DUUUUUUNN...lying! GASP!
You know, Vlad, I don't think they are lying. Let's keep in mind, according to news and magazine polls, the average kid today is getting [and giving] blowjobs in the 4th or 5th grade. Hell, they're seasoned pros by the time they're out of junior high.
When high school rolls around, they've become rather blasé about the whole scene. It doesn't hold the appeal it did in 5th grade. I liken it to a married couple. The first few years they're having sex all over the house. After that, it's like, "hey, we have plenty of time to have sex...later."

LOL! I love this story.
The cautious manner of the 911 operator is funny. "How big are we talking here?"
It's bad enough looking outside and seeing a live flamingo in your front yard. I can't comprehend seeing an 8000 pound elephant.
Not while sober anyway.

My boss was watching Lingo the other day at work. It's her new favorite show. The show isn't bad but I can't STAND the weird relationship between Shandi F. and Chuck Woolery. She kisses his ass like he's the next best thing since sliced bread. It makes me uncomfortable to watch crap like that.

Friday, July 13, 2007

how mooooving

Chick-Fil-A is giving away free chicken today for their Cow Appreciation Day, and all you have to do is walk in FULLY dressed like a cow. Sorry, but that's just udderly insane.

I saw a report on The Today Show this morning warning of the dangers of hand sanitizers and small children. Kids ingest the product, and the alcohol in the sanitizers can be upwards of 60-90% (fatal amounts for children) and it can accumulate in the child's body causing their blood sugar levels to drop, among other things. One woman's child was tested after ingesting 2 ounces of sanitizer and the amount of alcohol in her system was enough for her to be classified as legally intoxicated. Personally, I wouldn't have this stuff in my home. We employ the "spit to hands" and "spit to face" method. It works just fine AND it's free. Unless some smart ass decides to spit on someone else's face.

did you think i would stand here and lie while our moment was passing us by

You know how there are times it FEELS like you don't have any free time? Like you're running in circles, chasing your own tail? Well, I counted up all my hours and I went from 30 hours a week to 57.5 hours a week. Hell, no wonder it seems like I'm so rushed lately. But that's ok. At least I have a job.

There used to be a time in this country when businesses valued their customers and worked hard to meet their needs. Now they're so fucking arrogant, and the customer is treated more like a pest than something to be appreciated.

Gee whiz, Wally, this sounds like loads of fun! Simply type in a street address and zip code in the Los Angeles area, and you'll instantly be treated to all the crimes committed in that area in the last few days. Good family fun for all!

I wrote about this on my Hott Cops blog Wednesday. CourtTV is going to be TruTV beginning in January. I hope to GOD they don't start changing the legal format by giving us a bunch of stupid "reality" type shows. They have a "storm chasers" show and a show that follows wildcatters. Another show tapes feuding neighors, then tries to resolve their differences. YUCK. The station has become highly successful if Turner's blather is to believed, so I hope they don't screw it up.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

you don't really wanna mess with me

Wow. They don't put up with any bullshit in China, do they?
If we executed dishonest people in positions of power in the USA,
there probably wouldn't be any politicians left to run the gub'ment.
If bribes didn't get 'em, cheating on their spouses would.

Vlad writes: "Goddess,
You actually still HANG laundry? Are u using
Mike's #150 test to do it with?"
Hmmm, do I want to know what Mike's #150 test is? The only test of South's that I know is the "walking through the mall naked while maintaining your erection" test to get into porn, and I don't think that applies here. (Does it?)
YES! I still HANG laundry, Vlad.
<--This is me in action...well, I WOULD be in action if gifs worked on Blogger!
(I, too, am bald, round and yellow.)
I find it hard to believe that no one south of the Mason Dixon Line hangs out their laundry. Course south of the Mason Dixon Line the laundry would probably be STOLEN and/or sooty from the smog. You forget I'm living in the country in the North where the air is clean and the livin' is too. And no way am I handing my hard earned $ over to the electric company when I can just as easy dry my clothes outside for FREE.

I seriously need to either buy a new camera or check out new batteries. I looked out the window yesterday, and there in the front yard, was a groundhog standing on his hind legs eating a hot dog bun. It was the funniest sight. I tossed them out for the birds because they were stale, and I thought I ripped them all up, but I must have missed one.

May I extend my deepest sympathies to the people of England...
17.5%?! That's just insane. And what makes me laugh is that instead of addressing this issue with the food companies and forcing them to make healthier products,
they penalize the consumers, who are more than likely addicted to the sugar.
And if you honestly believe you're not addicted to sugar, just try not eating it for four days.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

testing one, two, three, testing

So I took my personal DNA test and discovered that I am....dun, dun, DUUUUNNNNNNN: faithful and a dreamer. (Faithful Dreamer) Whoopee. Like I didn't know that already.

i can't get enough of you, baby

I was reading an article on the internet about Paris Hilton and Mika Brzezinski and how the news people think they don't need to talk about Paris during the news. AP tried a voluntary ban on Paris Hilton news earlier this year, but the minute the jail story broke, all bets were off. The problem is NOT Paris Hilton. The problem is our obsession with celebrity. We don't need to hear about Britney Spears or Lindsey Lohan or Lionel Richie's brat on the news either, but every time they do something stupid, there they are. These news shows need to start differentiating between Hollywood news and REAL news, and take the celebrity garbage out of the top news stories. The truth is the news industry KNOWS talking about these idiots is what brings in the ratings. Larry King's viewers TRIPLED when he had Paris on.

I was reading a "Help Wanted" ad in the paper, and as I got to the end of it, I noticed this, "Only honest people need apply."
After seeing that, I'm sure lots of dishonest people in the region were going, "DAMN! And I really wanted that job...."

Clever of AVN to get Kathy Griffin to host their gay porn awards. They get free publicity on her Bravo show.
Funniest line from the awards show came from a guy who said, "As far as I am concerned, everyone of you in the gay porn industry is doing God's work." So the next time a missionary tells me they're off to do God's work, I'm going to say, "Be sure to pack plenty of lube! God's work can be rather painful without it. "

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

show me your screensaver!!

For the last few months,
<--this has been my screensaver. Every time my husband sees it, he says, "Why do you have a picture of cops' asses on your computer?"
And I say, "Honey, why NOT?" LOL!

I think this ss says I'm fun and innovative and creative. Ok, it says I like cop ass. Period.

What is your screensaver and what does it say about YOU?

if i could escape

I abso friggin' lutely LOVE my days off. Mr. G only had to work a half day, since he has no full day off this week. Because he starts so early in the morning, his half day ends at 9 a.m. I got up at 6:30, took Holly for a walk in the thick fog. It was lovely, despite the fact that it was starting to get humid already.We came home, and I hung out two loads of laundry, exercised, scrubbed the kitchen and by 11:30 was showered and back in my summery cotton p.j.'s. (P.J.'s.....they're not just for night time anymore.)
Mr. G was also showered after exercising, so he hit me up for some sex,
and by noon thirty we were both ready to nap. Sweet!

Any Dead Like Me fans out there? I'd like to know how Reggie's sister died? The one that was Cynthia Steveson's daughter on the show? I saw a couple eps, but not the beginning one, and I was kinda curious as to how she died. The show seemed interesting at first, then it got downright depressing.

These utility companies are getting ridiculous. Penelec raised it's prices and my electric bill went from $56 a month to $86. That's total BULLSHIT.

Bugs sends this stupid criminal story o'the day link. I'm sure he blended in on the streets every bit as much as the twit who painted his jeep camouflage colors.

McDonalds is very clever. They are giving six moms brand new laptops and access to their restaurants, processing plants, orchards--who knew McDonald's even HAD orchards--and test kitchens. This is a bid to get good press from moms, who generally agree that McDonald's food is not healthy. They get to keep the laptops and
McDonalds claims that they will have no control over what is written. I'm wondering though how these six were chosen out of 4000? While they aren't being paid, McDonalds will pay for their travel. McDonalds stresses that the moms are "journaling," not "blogging," so consumer comments to the entries will NOT be posted. I think that's a cop out. If McDonalds really believes in it's food, then it should allow an open flow of conversation concerning this subject.

Monday, July 09, 2007

going my way?

Anybody who doubts the existence of a Higher Intelligence need look no further than this news story. They probably used MapQuest....

that's my prerogative

It's going to be in the 90's today in Pennsylvania.
I blame Al Gore and his damn Live Earf Concert!!! Then again, I'm sure those guitars and amps and lights were all solar powered, right, Al?

It's bad enough that *I* know my site stats suck lately, but South emailed me the other day and said, "Not that anyone will notice, but..." and then he proceeds to tell me about a broken link I have.
Et tu, Brute?

I caught part of this story on Headline Prime Sunday afternoon: a woman who had been stabbed was lying on the floor of a convenience store bleeding to
death and five customers stepped over her. One ASSHOLE
stopped to take a cell phone picture, then kept on shopping. It's frightening how disconnected we've become. Frightening and disgusting.
Another disgusting story on CNN yesterday was that of two girls--11 and 12 yrs.o.--who kidnapped a 1 year old boy and asked for $200k in ransom.
When asked for his reaction to the story, the girls' stepfather said, "Kids will be kids." Unbelievable. Then he goes on to say there are kids out there selling drugs, as if kidnapping is so much more justifiable than selling drugs. Thank goodness these girls are just kidnapping small children and aren't out there committing serious crimes like selling drugs!
I hope these chicks don't aspire to be professional kidnappers because if they do, they seriously need to work on their plotting skills. They came into the couple's house, took the baby and left a ransom note on the couch.They instructed the couple to leave the $200k on the same couch and they'd be back for it later. Good fucking grief. Why not just give them your home address and have them drop the money off?

The offspring are trying to convince me to get one of these motorized scooters like the cops use. I said, "You honestly expect me to give up my sweet little Hoveround for a scooter? You'd force me to STAND and use my leg muscles?! How can you all be so heartless?" It's like I've raised a bunch of animals.

I was in the grocery store yesterday before work, and there was a guy in his early 20's in the store, along with his S.O. and their baby. May I just say, gentlemen, that nothing impresses a woman more than flagrant use of the word "fuck" in public.
And when you say it, make sure you say it loud enough for everyone within a three aisle radius to hear.
"I want some fucking lunch meat."
"I don't care what you fucking say, I'm buying some fucking nuts."
"We need some fucking baby wipes to wipe the fucking baby's butthole."

What a jerk. With him for a dad, the baby has my deepest sympathies.

My main site journal entry for today also contains a review of Explosive Fantasies by Playgirl. Even though it's more humorous than dirty, I shan't publish it here because I don't want to offend delicate sensibilities.

Sunday, July 08, 2007

i remember when i lost my mind

Why are the cops in my fantasies so different from the cops in my 'hood?
In my fantasies, they're a white hott muscular wall of testosterone. And heterosexual. (They're always eager to call for "back up," too, for some odd reason....)
In my hood, they're old and crabby and mean. No comment on their sexuality because I can't see past crabby. The cops were on my doorstep early Sunday morning when I got home from work.
They were upset about the thick black smoke filling the trailer court. I'm like, "Hey, what makes you think we have anything to do with it?"
He pointed to the 4th of July tire fire..............still burning steadily, and smoking like a bingeing chain smoker. I claimed mere coincidence. They claimed I had an hour to put it out. Mutter, mutter.
So I hosed it down. Hey, how was I to know that would create even MORE smoke?!
I am a Goddess. Not a firewoman. And while Male Offspring #1 is great at starting fires, he's not so great at putting them out.

I finally figured out a way to make fast money. Since the oldsters in the neighborhood seem to get such great enjoyment sitting in their lawn chairs watching me cut grass, I'm going to make grass cutting a Pay Per View event.
If they can't shell out at least $15 to watch me sweat like a whore in church, I'm confiscating their lawn chair. Personally, I think they ought to be ashamed of themselves. My dad is 88 years old and if he saw a woman cutting grass, he'd get his rider out and help. These lazy asses are perfectly content to watch me walk an acre instead of helping even once. Shame on them.

I was watching tv late last night and I saw a commercial for patenting. The guy said, "I was in my workshop and I got an idea."
If this had been a porn flick, it wouldn't be too difficult to figure out what a guy alone in his workshop was doing...

Saturday, July 07, 2007

i don't want another lover at my door

I heard on the news that the $19 million dollar toilets they're installing in the space station will eventually be able to filter urine into DRINKING WATER. Wouldn't you like to be the lucky guy who has to drink the first batch?

Two things I discovered this morning when I awoke at 5 a.m.: Headline News is NOT 24 hours like I ASSumed, and Jennilee Harrison has aged badly.

Mr. G had to stop at the store on the way home from work and he was peeved by the time he came home. Apparently some chick was riding around the store in a motorized cart, then when she got to the lobby of the store, she leaped out and jogged to her car.
I said, "You don't think for one minute that she was riding in the cart because she's---she's--"
"Lazy," he said. "That's exactly what I think. There was nothing wrong with her."
I'm like, "Damn. That's ridiculous to hog a motorized cart and keep it from someone who might really need it simply because you're lazy.
We'll talk about this some more after I drive to the kitchen and get a peach."

I am disappointed to report that my ass did NOT make the 7 new wonders of the world list. Sigh.

Friday, July 06, 2007

and south thinks I'm odd....

Check out pics from the opening of Ripley's Believe It or Not! Odditorium in Times Square.

you're filthy and i'm gorgeous

Yesterday I thought maybe I had exaggerated in my review of Hey, Paula. Last night when I was working on my laptop, I turned her show on and counted how many times Paula, or someone around her, mentioned how tired/exhausted she was or how she needed to sleep. In the new episode, they mentioned it eight times in thirty minutes. In the show I watched on Wednesday that I based my comments on, they mentioned it NINETEEN TIMES in thirty minutes. So no, I wasn't exaggerating. Another thing I've noticed, every time Paula refutes comments about being high, she is always careful to say, "I've never taken recreational drugs." Recreational drugs aren't always the problem. Ok, enough of her stupidity. On to my stupidity.

We had a great 4th of July, despite the fact that we had to unexpectedly take
<----the grill in for repairs. Ok, the police confiscated it. Turns out my grill was still the property of Piggly Wiggly. To make matters worse, the cop and I got into heated argument when he more than implied that I should have known that.
Oh, puhleeze. How was I to know the big Piggly Wiggly logo didn't mean the Piggly Wiggly Grill Company? But we made do. Did you know that bug zappers make EXCELLENT weiny roasters? Just like in the popular song. "Hot dogs roasting on an open bug zapper..." And we used the blow torch to cook our hamburgers and toast our buns. Yum...except for the ones that caught fire. We didn't have $ for fireworks this year, because gas and food cost so much. Sure the offspring blamed it on my eight cartons of Marlboros a week habit, but I know it's the food and gas that's sucking up all our $!! Instead of the sparklers, Male Offspring #1 set a couple old tires on fire and we gathered 'round watched them burn. Actually, they're still burning. I think they'll be burning on into next Wednesday. Except for the times when the wind kicked up and the excessive smoke burned our eyes and deposited soot on our clothes, the tire fire came in right handy for roasting marshmallows and making S'Mores. Mmmm, mmmm. Good times.

Hotmail has to have THEE WORST spam catchers on the internet--IF they have them at all. This is why I love Gmail so much. It's great at catching spam AND more importantly, you can see the first line of every email in the preview pane. Without opening it, you know immediately whether or not it's spam, and that comes in handy, in lieu of all those "a friend has sent you an e card" viruses that are currently going around. What I don't like is the way it lumps all the emails together. Like if I email a person and they email back and we keep yakking,
every email will be connected to that first one, instead of them all being separate emails. I don't care for that feature. I'd rather get separate emails each time.

SPOCK! It does an internet search good! But did you know it's "invite only"? Awww, that's sad, huh? Almost makes you want to kill yourself. Put down the gun because I have 83 EXTRA invites just begging to be given away!!!!!!! BTW, you don't even have to know me or read my site. Just email me and it's yours. Damn. These things are harder to give away than She-Male porn.