Thursday, June 14, 2007

learn to be a stranger blonde on blonde

Have you seen all these new commercials for Alli, the first OTC weight loss drug? It's my understanding that this drug stops the body from absorbing fats. But in clinical studies,
people only lost an average of ONE POUND a month using this drug.
Now here's the fun part: in order to achieve that whopping one pound a month weight loss goal, you must endure the lovely side effects, including
diarrhea and UNCONTROLLABLE anal leakage. Ewwww!
The down side to this drug--no sadly, that wasn't it--is that it also blocks all your GOOD fats that the body needs.
All of your essential fatty acids will be blocked right along with the bad fat in your foods.

Why is it that when you're sick, you can barely eat the smallest amount of food before you're stuffed?
Tuesday afternoon, I was like, "Why did you bring me TWO pieces of butter toast? I'll never get all of this down."
Wednesday evening it was, "Give me a fork and spoon, park my chair in front of the open fridge and GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY!"
Unfortunately, with my allergies to dairy, I have to be very careful about what I eat when I'm getting better.
The least little bit of cheese right now and I'll be hacking even more than I am. And that's saying something.
Naturally, I'm craving pizza something awful.
My husband brought home exactly the right thing: a ton of fresh fruit, including my favorite, watermelon. Damn, I lurves me some watermelon.
(Is it my imagination or am I starting to sound more and more like Bugs?)
And just when you think it can't get any better, it was SEEDLESS!!
When I was pregnant with Female Offspring #1, during the summer, I LIVED on watermelon. Oddly enough, she hates it.
Anywho, Mr. G brought home some great looking plums and when I reached for one, it was soft enough the way I like it.
I took a bite of one and it was incredibly juicy, with absolutely no taste whatsoever. I said to my husband, "Wow, I must be sicker than I thought.
This plum has no taste."
A short time later, he said, "You're not as sick as you think. That plum didn't have a bit of taste. I've never had one like that before."
And it was hella juicy to boot. Oddly enough, the inside was white, instead of the golden color most plums are inside. I'm wondering if this plum
wasn't sprayed with stuff to make it look ripe before it's time, the way they do with other fruits and veggies?

Oh, I forgot to mention an incident that happened the other night. Shaved ten years off my life. And it didn't even involve one of my offspring. Go figger.
My boss has a big blood clot in her leg, so the doctor has her on Coumadin (blood thinner) pill and Lovinox shots, also a blood thinner, for five days.
Of course, the nurse came and gave us a big speech about how we have to be really careful if she cuts herself or starts bleeding because she could easily bleed to death.
[Don't cha just love "modern medicine"? It instills so much confidence in me.]
Sunday night I was giving her the last injection and I noticed the site where a previous injection had been
given was bleeding a teeny bit. So I wiped it with alcohol, put a tiny dab of Neosporin on it, and taped it tightly.
Because of various surguries that she's had, my boss's stomach is tight and pooched like a pregnant woman, and
the site of this shot was right were the stomach begins to curve down. In other words, any bending would aggravate it.
She went to bed around 10ish and we checked and made sure it was still dry. I told her if she saw any
bleeding during the night to call me immediately. I heard her using the bathroom a few times during
the night and around 4 a.m., I hear her screaming, "I'm all over blood!" My heart kickstarted and I went running.
While I'm usually pretty calm in emergency situations, I immediately began sweating like a starving Arab at a pig roast. This was a HUGE deal with the blood thinners.
Turns out her "blood all over" was a spot of blood about the size of two silver dollars on her pj's.
She immediately begins panicking because that's what she does best. I kept saying "Calm down and let me call the nurse." I'm trying to calm her down and myself.
I thought, "Ok, nobody is going to bleed to death with that small amount of blood in 6 or 7 hours."
I gave her a cotton ball dabbed with alcohol and told her to apply as much pressure as she could on it while I called the nurse.
She wailed the entire time about how she didn't want to go to the hospital, she was going to bleed to death, and on and on.
The nurse told me something that didn't make a whole lot of sense to me, though. She told me to put a DRY cotton ball on
the site and tape it tightly, that the alcohol was keeping it wet. Well, that didn't make sense because the dry cotton ball
would stick to the site and as soon as it was removed, it would more than likely cause it to start bleeding again.
But at that point, it wouldn't be my problem anymore, so I did what I was told.
I cleaned the site, iced it down to stop the bleeding, then taped it back up with a dry cotton ball.
I snuck in to check on her around 7ish before I left and everything was still dry. Thank God.
She was snoring her head off. Hey, all that wailing takes a lot out of a person.

And I forgot to mention this yesterday, too. I was cleaning my ears with peroxide Tuesday night and
I just happened to notice on the side that it cuts phelgm and mucus associated with mouth problems.
When I started hacking every few minutes, I tried ice water, and then I made a mouth wash, equal parts water and peroxide, and gargled with it.
It was weird because the little that I swallowed bubbled all the way down my throat, so obviously
there was still infection there, but it DID cut the phelgm during the night and I was able to sleep.


Shrink Wrapped Scream said...

Oh, sweetie, I didn't know you'd been ill. I hope you're over the worst by now, and on the way to recovery (hug).

Has your boss ever had kids? If so, did the stork bring them? She obviously would never have survived pregnancy, would she?

*Goddess* said...

Thanks, Carol. Just when I think I've GOT to be feeling better, I put in a load of clothes this morning---how hard is that, right? I was SOAKED with sweat by the time I walked back upstairs. Damn. I can't believe hos this has knocked me for a loop.

Sadly, not only has my boss never had a baby, she's never even been on a date. Neither had her other two siblings. I'm gathering that her mother was a bit of a whack job when it came to them "leaving her." So they all lived there together till they died. Sad.