Thursday, June 21, 2007

as long as i'm skinny, who gives a shit?

I mentioned the "miraculous" Alli diet pill the other day?
STRAIGHT from the Alli website:

  • You may feel an urgent need to go to the bathroom. Until you have a sense of any treatment effects, it's probably a smart idea to wear dark pants, and bring a change of clothes with you to work
  • You may not usually get gassy, but it's a possibility when you take alli. The bathroom is really the best place to go when that happens
Good f'ing grief. How can anyone possibly believe this pill is safe? But, knowing how people are dying to be thin--literally--I'm sure they'll start producing Alli maxi poop pads. With wings!

I put off talking about something that's really bothering me because I thought maybe Mushy would hit on it first--what with it being a problem in HIS neck of the woods and all, Lynchburg, but so far, I don't think he's talked about it. (Then again, the way my memory is working, he could have shown pics of the damn Jack Daniels' operation and I wouldn't remember.) The other day on CNN, I heard that the special underground springs that is ESSENTIAL to the manufacture of Jack Daniels is DRYING UP. The drought is causing them to cut back on the amount of water they use, but they have no idea what will happen if the spring dries up completely. One man from the plant went so far as to suggest that if the spring ran dry, THEY WOULDN'T MAKE ANY MORE JACK DANIELS!! You can see why this has totally put me into a grey funk. After all, Jack is how I make it through most days (and backdoor sex). This has made me think that it's a sign from the Universe telling me that I should seriously give up drinking all together. BWAHAHAHHAHA...give up drinking! I slay me. I shall deal with this the way I deal with all obstacles in my life: bury my head in the sand and pretend it's not happening. THEN I'll switch to Jim Beam;)

8 comments:

Mushy said...

Let it dry up! George Dickel is better anyway!

You can't drink Jack straight over the rocks, unless you're stupid, but pour some George over some ice and "it's like heaven!"

Buy the "white label" George - the black label is only 80 proof!

Of course, most of you will have never heard of it, cause it's hard to find outside of Tennessee. BUT, if you do find it at some bar, they get a high rating!

*Goddess* said...

I was just thinking "I've never heard of George Dickel...." and because the last name was DICKel, I thought you were joshing and I had to Google him. Turns out you WEREN'T joshing!

Kevin said...

Ahh, the infamous magic diet pills... those be some scary ummm side effects...
Too bad about the Jack Daniels springs. Must be Global Warming...

*Goddess* said...

I don't know, but I think shitting yourself without warning is pretty damn scary;)

bugs said...

I saw some at the grocery store today, and one of the warnings was "Oily Gas". And I thought, fuck me, why do I want to go through life with stools like that?

Sounds like a fucking car.

*Goddess* said...

I loved the part on the website where it said that if you experienced gas the "best place to be is the bathroom". Lordy, it gets funnier as the story goes on....

Shrink Wrapped Scream said...

Hey, don't knock it! My doc gave me Xenical.. true, I was scared to fart in case I shat myself (and frequently did) and swimming was a kind of a no-no, but hell, it worked.. I'm almost 50lbs lighter, and have been off them for three years, no lasting adverse effects, and stayed the same weight (probably because I now have a terror of any fatty foods exploding out my backside).

*Goddess* said...

I was of the impression that Alli was a Xenecal "knock off"--not as strong. In clinical trials, most people only lost 1 pound a month. Soooo not worth the pooping stuff....