Saturday, June 30, 2007

i don't care what you say about me any more, i got money now

I was watching clips of the Paris/Larry King interview this morning.
Lordy, I can't believe Larry ditched Michael Moore ("SICKO") for HER crap.
My favorite part of the entire piece was when Paris did her little "I've found Jesus" routine and said that reading the Bible was one of the ways she filled her time in jail. Yet when Larry asked her what her favorite Bible quote was, she drew a total blank. Hell, I'm Catholic, we don't read the Bible at all, and I can still come up with some quotes. I also had to laugh about her whole story about being released early because she had claustrophobia. When she was forced to go back to jail and finish her sentence, Larry asked her how she suddenly "cured" her phobia, and
she gave some answer like she did what she had to do.
In other words, it finally dawned on her that her hysterics wasn't going to get her out of her mess and she might as well settle her ass down and do her time.
And what in the world was with her saying she had NEVER done drugs in her life?
I'm curious to see how long her pious "I want to help the entire world" routine lasts. It's got a familiar "I vow to find the real killer" ring to it.
She's already cozy-ing it up in Hawaii. But I'm sure she's only there to lay on the beach with all the impoverished Hawaiian children.

Watched the latest My Life on the D List. Kathy Griffin on a date with Ron Jeremy? Damn. If she was dating him for the "exposure," couldn't she have picked a hott straight porn actor? What am I saying? There aren't any straight porn actors anymore. My bad.

In my never ending quest to find good, cheap mineral make up, I tried a couple products from Sheer Miracle. To recap, at this point, I've tried: Pur Minerals, Sheer Cover, Bare Minerals and that crappy stuff from L'Oreal. I was careful to read some product reviews before I bought this time, UNLIKE when I purchased that crappy stuff from L'Oreal, which shall heretofore be known as "that crappy stuff from L'Oreal." I didn't care for Pur Minerals because it's foundation and finishing powder in one. I like something different to finish off my face, to make it look brighter. Sheer Cover had lousy foundation, but good finishing powder.
Unfortunately, from what I can see, you can only buy Sheer Cover in kits.
Bare Minerals has good foundation, but their finishing powder, Mineral Veil, is mostly corn starch. It looks ok, but it doesn't brighten your face in anyway.
Some of the reviews for Sheer Miracle's foundation wasn't good. A lot of people felt it didn't cover well. I did not find that to be the case. I feel it covers every bit as good as Bare Minerals. They also have a good finishing powder.
I thought I ordered the Matte finish, apparently I ordered the Glow. Both powders are white, which gives you a glow to your face, unlike other mineral make up finishing powders, which are flesh toned. The Glow has a little too much of a sparkly look for daytime, but it does brighten the face. Sheer Miracle gives you 1.05 oz of foundation for $18.50 and 1.05 oz of finishing powder for $15.50.
Bare Minerals gives you .03 oz of foundation for $25.50 and .47 oz for $19.
All in all, every mineral based make up company that I've purchased from is GROSSLY overcharging us for what little we're getting, especially Bare Minerals.
And you just know there can't be a lot of cost involved in the manufacture of this stuff. Heck, Sheer Miracle's Glow only contains two ingredients: mica and titanium dioxide. If Mr. G was the handy type, I'd have him out there grinding up mica for me in his spare time. Here's one thing NONE of the mineral make up companies tell you: putting mineral make-up on in the summer is a BITCH. Sweating and trying to apply powder make-up at the same time is a nightmare.

walk right in, sit right down, baby let your mind roll on

a bit testy, aren't we?

FHB is always talking about his tests, so I asked him to send me a copy of one. You know, so I could see how much history I've forgotten. Turns out I've forgotten ALL of it.

For shits and giggles, see if you can answer these three simple questions and NO GOOGLING:

_?_ is the term used to describe the rapid spread of contagious diseases through the continent after the first European contact.
_?_ was the name of the intellectual movement that gave rise to political beliefs about natural rights,freedom and democracy.
_?_ was the war that led directly to the outbreak of hostilities between the American colonies and Parliament over taxes and local sovereignty.

My answers are: no clue, huh?, ummmm, the Revolutionary War?

i'm not here for your entertainment

Here's an interesting bit of trivia--granted, probably to no one but myself, but there ya go. I started this blog on 5/29/05 and I have almost 39k in hits. I started my
Hott Cops blog on 3/6/06 and I have 102k + in hits.

You know what this means? While chicks dig men in uniform, they don't like to READ or THINK!! Alas, being a chick, I already knew this.

Ok, I'm off to share at shiny objects...

Friday, June 29, 2007

i believe in miracles, you sexy thang

<---My so-called friend, C.P., sent me this cartoon, along with the message to "The minute I read this, I thought of you!" Grrrrr. Isn't he the SWEETEST?! I thought it was funny when I read it this morning.........AT WORK, C.P.! HA! That's right. I. AM. BACK.
I can't believe my boss is home from the hospital already. Boss Number One kept saying it was going to be four weeks, at best.
Damn. I wasted all that kvetching for nothing.

As I was driving to work this morning, I passed a Jeep someone had painted in camoflague. How stupid is that? Not like he's going to blend in with trees and brush in the middle of the highway. It's almost as weird as the person who has never even been in the service and yet they feel compelled to walk around in camoflague pants. What gives, Wannabe?

Wow. That Yaz commercial gets more annoying every time they redo it. Now the chick walks in, sits down and begins a dissertation on her the history of menstrual symptoms. Apparently she's never heard the phrase, "too much information." I don't care if she has PMS, PMDD, or PB&J.
And what's with the "doctor dramatization" caption under the chick when she says she "didn't go to medical school for nothing"?
What's next? A "Gecko dramatization" caption under the talking Gecko on the GEICO ads? An "Aunt Jemima dramatization" label under Aunt Jemima?
Is the public so incredibly stupid that they're going to confuse an ACTRESS with a doctor? I blame Jarvik and his damn Lipitor commercial for this!
Of course, in the case of Dr. Jarvik, we MIGHT be tipped off by the fact that he begins the commercial by saying, "I'm Dr. Robert Jarvik, inventor of the artificial heart." Or IS he?

Thursday, June 28, 2007

i'm bringing bullshit back

I'm sure Mushy can confirm this: 96% of Americans say, "Oh shit!" before they go into a ditch. The other 4% are from Tennessee and say, "Hold my beer and watch this shit!". If this joke took place in Pennsylvania, the punchline would be, "Hold my pirogi and watch this shit!"

Wow. The sheriff in Panama City Beach, Florida has come up with a simple, but ingenious way of catching illegals.
He has five or six patrol cars drive up to a construction site and they watch to see who runs. They've reported more than 500 people to Immigration using this tactic. I'm sure the Civil Liberties Union will have a problem with it. People's attitudes amaze me though. Now that a lot of the illegals are leaving Panama City, the developers are bitching because they keep labor costs down. Unbelievable. They don't want illegals in the country, but they want their cheap labor.

I love the title of one of MSN's entertainment articles, in which they are alleging Justin Timberlake is being a little bitch with the press. It's called, "Is Timberlake Bringing "Testy" Back?" LOL!!!
This is what I detest about celebs: they hate the media, they're telling photogs to go "fuck themselves," tossing laptops at them, and smashing their cameras, but when they have a pet project they want to pimp, who do they call? The dreaded media. When they feel they've been misjudged and want to get their viewpoint across, like Alec Baldwin, who do they call? The horrible media. It's like "I want the public to buy my music, go to my concerts, and turn over their hard earned cash to me, and I should have to give NOTHING back, because I'm a celebrity, damn it!"

when you gonna love you as much I do?

<--Guess what time it is, kids? Vacation Bible School time! Time for Goddess' little lapsed Catholic rug rats to become temporary Methodists, Baptists or any other Protestant religion that's having free Bible school!! YAY!!
Let's all sing, "Jesus loves us, this we know because my mother tells us so. Little ones to Him belong, we have to go to vacation Bible school or Mom will kick our asses." Doesn't rhyme, but who cares? I have the whole trailer to myself while my little Heathens are making macaroni pictures of Noah and his Ark!!! Wooooo hooooo!

Because I felt my hair needed a little excitement in it's dull life, yesterday I purchased some new shampoo. I've been using SAMY's shampoo for "dry, damaged, dehydrated hair." (Call me crazy, but aren't "dry" and "dehydrated" the same doggone thing? Maybe my hair just needs a little Gatorade?) Yesterday I switched to SAMY's shampoo for "extremely dry, frizzy, distressed hair."
See the HUGE difference? Neither do I.
Let me break it down for ya. They slapped the word "extremely" in front of "dry," making this an all together different issue. It's like my hair is in critical condition in ICU. "Get the bottle of SAMY's STAT!" Then they rub the little paddles together, slap them on my hair and scream "clear!!" because my hair is distressed!! If only BigPharma made Prozac for hair.
How dry is my hair, you ask? Picture that little Charlie Brown Christmas tree in your mind. It's gone without water for days. Touch one needle and all fifteen of them fall out. Apparently that's what my hair is like right now. Personally, I think it's just dry and frizzy because of the high humidity, but what do I know? I didn't even have the good sense to recognize my hair was in distress.
Having different shampoos for the same problem reminds me of the Simpson's ep where Homer toured the Duff Brewery. There were about six different types of Duff beer being bottled and it was all coming out of the same vat.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

you come knockin' on my front door same old line you used to use before

Knowing that I've been dying to try one, Mr. G bought me a mashed pa'tater Bowl from KFC. While I love him for it, it wasn't exactly the best time for me to try it.
The cheese and milk from the pa'taters have me coughing like a chain smoker again. NOT that I've stopped coughing yet, but because I'm not 100% healthy yet, any time I eat anything I'm allergic to, the coughing goes wild.
Anyway, I tried about three spoonfuls of it and while it's delish, I think they should rename it "Sedative in a Bowl." Yikes. All those heavy pa'taters knocked me out. We haven't eaten white potatoes for a looooong time because of Mr. G's diabetes. IF we have a potato, we have yams instead. I had forgotten how bad the heavy carbs make me feel.

Speaking of really bad food, FINALLY a great show on tv for kids: Shaq's Big Challenge. Shaq is working with some kids to help them lose weight.
I think this is a GREAT idea because kids look up to him,
and he can use his influence to get them more physically motivated. After that
whole "Sedative in a Bowl" story, maybe I should get Shaq to call me....

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

its all right if you love me, it's all right if you don't

Yay! My boss' test came out well. NO blockage!!

I don't know what the HELL McDonald's puts in their supposedly 100% pure beef hamburgers, but they're better than a damn sleeping pill! I'm just not buying the bullshit that for $1, I can get two ALL BEEF patties. I went to see my boss yesterday morning, and I hadn't eaten breakfast, thinking I'd only be about an hour. Turns out I didn't leave the hospital till noon, so I stopped at McD's and bought four double cheeseburgers, two for myself and two for Mr. G. I woofed one down in the car and then I took za mutt for her walk and came home and ate the other one. I got so sleepy around 2, that I laid down. Next thing I knew it was 4 o'clock! Damn. This happens to me so much when I eat McD's or Burger King's meat, that I stopped eating it for a long time, and if I did eat it, I'd immediately drink a glass of Metamucil to warsh it out of my system. Ugh. Tomorrow, I eat BEFORE I leave the house.

I can't get over how incredibly smart and clever and patient cats can be. Mr. G puts birdfood and peanuts out for the birds and squirrels every day. We went from one fat as a rat squirrel to about five so far. The cats will lay under the trees, or a few feet away from the trees for days pretending they just don't give a shit. The squirrels will come and go, and the cats don't budge. After about five days of this, I noticed the squirrels were starting to turn their backs on the cats. Until today, when Buddha made his move. Luckily, the squirrel saw him coming and raced up a tree. It was all just so Aesop's Fable-ish to me.

So yesterday I was zipping around the web trying to check online jobs in my area, and next thing you know I'm reading this blog. After about ten minutes, I thought, "Why in the world do I CARE what Joe's cooking? I don't even KNOW Joe, and I think we've established many times that I HATE to cook!" I wondered how Joe made those oatmeal cookies with butter without them turning out flat as pancakes. But, now, I'm really wondering why Kelly never cooks! What's his deal? LOL....God bless him if he can get someone else to do the cooking.
Then I wandered over to this site, and may I just say I LOVE Shannon's "Let the Music Play." Always have, always will. But it's no damn wonder I'm still looking for a job...

Monday, June 25, 2007

who knew

i just know that something good is gonna happen

Geez, how the dog turns on me the minute she realizes I'm going somewhere without her. The last four or five days, I've gotten up early and taken her for a walk. She was all sweetness and light. But I want to go to the hospital this morning to visit my boss, so I set my alarm for 6:30. The minute I came out of the shower, the dog started growling under her breath. She knows I don't shower before I take her for a walk. She also knows I shower every morning before work. So now she's sitting in the corner, staring. Juuuuust staring, with that "why don't you love me?" puppy dawg expression on her face. Ugh. All this effort and I'm only going to be gone about an hour and a half.

Yikes. What a fun couple of weeks. Last week, Mr. G's cousin dropped dead of a massive heart attack. He was only 57. As if that isn't sad enough, here's the truly sad part: in his obituary it said, "he was a beloved husband, father, brother, grandfather, and uncle." He had three grown kids and a sister, and NOT ONE OF THEM spoke to each other. His sister was crying one minute that she wouldn't be welcome at the funeral home, and the next she was worrying their cousin would take stuff out of her brother's house. Sigh. The man had ABSOLUTELY nothing, and his house was literally falling down around him. Why she'd care about any "stuff" is beyond me, but being in my line of work, I see this sort of shit all the time. Everybody's afraid someone is going to get something they don't. Then this week one of my uncles passed away. He suffered from Alzheimer's for years, so it's truly a blessing.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

i'm scratching my head

Ok, ok, I just wanted to use those damn balloons again.

Wow. Didn't take me long to remember why I hate being out of work so much. Mr. G instantly turns into my mother, making idiotic comments like, "Have you thought about Dollar General?" (Who doesn't?!) And "There's a job opening at the Dairy Queen." Yes, who hasn't dreamed of working at the Dairy Queen at age 48? Ahhh to experience the joy of dipping Dilly Bars. FRIDAY--yes, just two days ago--he said to me, "The good thing about the fact that you haven't really lost your job yet is you can take your time. You don't have to take the first thing that comes along." Saturday afternoon he hands me the newspaper, points to a job that is part time evenings and weekends, and says, "If you get this job, blah blah blah". I have no idea what he said after that because I was too busy praying for Death to arrive on my doorstep pronto, and to bring his friend, brain aneurysm. This morning, he casually mentions that such and such manor is hiring. I said, "I do NOT want to work in a home for the elderly. They're terribly understaffed, and I can't watch people lay in their own filth and listen to them crying out in pain, and not be affected by that." He said, "And I wouldn't want you to work in a home." THEN WHY MENTION IT?! Death? Death, it's me Goddess...

I just don't get it. I don't understand why someone would look at the pics on my Hott Cops site over and over and over, and I'm not talking about a couple pics here and there. I'm talking hundreds of entries...DAILY.

NOT that I don't appreciate the "reader"ship, but wouldn't you at some point, just copy and save all the pics to your own computer? Wouldn't it be faster and easier?

a public affair

I was reading some of the reviews for "Evan Almighty" because I was curious as to what people thought. To me, the idea seemed CUTE, but I'm not so sure it could sustain an entire movie. I didn't like Bruce Almighty because, as usual, Jim Carey starts out funny then goes overboard and ends up being more annoying and childish than humorous. At times, I feel that if you've seen one Jim Carey movie, you've seen them all.
Some of my favorite quotes about Evan are: "If Jerry Falwell weren't dead already, this movie might have killed him," "There’s enough stupidity here to insult both theologians and politicos," "It's an almighty, humorless bore,"
and "Evan Almighty is a paper-thin alleged comedy with a laugh drought of biblical proportions, and a condescendingly simplistic spiritual message.
It is so bad, I came close to throwing my caffeinated beverage at the screen." Ouch. Doesn't seem to be going over too well.

Ugh. I am so out of touch with reality. I was thinking now might be the time to go back to school and get a secretarial diploma, which is a nine month course, so I'm not stuck in this line of work forever. A freaking nine months costs $8, 250! And they only give $1,400 in financial aid each quarter, so I'd still owe over $4k. The last thing I need if I'm not working is more debt.


This is a fun article from MSN, listing the 25 Worst Web Sites on the net.
The Number One spot went to one of the sites I hate the most: MySpace.
Ya just knew the Hamster Dance site was going to be included on that list.
It's funny, but when we got our very first computer back in '99, everybody was LOVING the Hamster Dance.

I was helping Mr. G unpack the groceries yesterday. He does all the grocery shopping. Now before you people think, "Wow, what a great husband!" I feel I should tell you that he only does it because he doesn't want to let me have the $ to do it myself. As I pulled out a package of Oscar Meyer Bologna for the nine millionth time this month, I began to sing,
"My bologna has a first name it's 'imsickofeatingyoueveryday",
My bologna has a second name it's "whycantweaffordgoodmeat",
oh, I have to eat it every day and if you ask me why I'll say,
cuz Mr. G refuses to spring for real fooo-oooo-ood."
He looks at me and says, "Are you trying to tell me something, honey?"
Subtlety. That's my middle name.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

learning is FUNdamental

So many cartoons are just junk programming, but I've always liked the Animaniacs. They integrate fun with learning (and burping;) like on these vids:

time to inject a little culture into this blog....

i just don't know where to find my happy

I drive me nuts. I have my car payment for next month, and ordinarily I'd be off until next Friday, yet I'm already stressing about my lack of income. I HATE that so much of my self-esteem is tied up into bringing money into the house. I could actually ENJOY this time off. I've been praying for guidance and a clear sign as to what I'm supposed to do. Last night when I was praying, I clearly heard, "move on," so I've posted an ad a couple places already, just to see what's available in my field. Not that I have a field. [Sounded really professional for a minute there, huh?]
As is my usual practice, I make goal collages from time to time, so I'm always snipping out quotes or phrases to use on my posters. Yesterday I was cleaning the bedroom and as usual, I was "discussing" my job situation with God because Holly got bored with the whole conversation and fell asleep. Anywho, I was telling God that I feel I've worked my way into a mess. I want to earn a LOT of money, but I'm in a job that doesn't allow me to do that. And when I say "a LOT," I'm talking $25-30k by myself. I'm sure that's not a lot to many people, but I don't think I've ever earned more than $12k in a year's time. I don't want to change careers at age 48 cuz quite frankly, what the hell would I do? I don't have the moola to go to school so I feel like my options are really limited. [But I don't want to limit myself by saying things like this!!] So I kept telling myself, "I just KNOW that something GOOD is going to happen concerning my job situation." I was dusting and cleaning to keep busy, and there along the edge of my bed frame was a snippet I'd cut out of a magazine that simply said, "Get Published." Easy for You to say, Jesus. Easy for You to say. Sigh. I know that God has ALWAYS taken care of us financially, and that He'll continue to do so, it's just that I'm human and when things don't happen in MY time, I get scared.

I'm also very worried about my boss. Not only does she have pneumonia, but she has a blockage in her colon and might have to have surgery today, and I'm greatly concerned for her. I've worked for her for five years, and I really care for her. Even though ya don't know her, keep a good thought for her, please.

Ok, on to stupid stuff now;)
We received a free wildlife calendar for 2008 in the mail yesterday. Mr. G handed it to me and said, "Now you won't have to buy any of those half naked cop calenders next year." And I said indulgently, "Honey, you're so funnnn-ee." I'm already trying to find new ones for '08. If anybody knows of any hott cop calendars, send me the info!

My first couch was made of a combination velvet/velour material. It held up FANTASTICALLY and cleaned really well, but was a bitch to lay on in the summer. I picked a different material this time and I hoped it was going to be cooler. Was I ever wrong. I laid down yesterday afternoon and when I woke up an hour later, my back and butt were sweating and sticking to the couch. Without thinking, I sat up quickly, and I think I ripped off a layer of skin. I don't know, maybe I should have allowed the delivery guys take the big plastic wrap off of it first.

"Excuse me, Officer, can you
give me directions to the nearest jail?" Oy. Bet Officer Matt Wood had his giggle on.

And now because I need something to make me smile and remember the "good old days..."

Friday, June 22, 2007

cursed missed opportunities

DAY 12 of my cold, and the snot rages on. Mr. G thinks I had pneumonia, but I don't think so. I think it was bronchitis. I didn't feel any of it in my chest. But the yellow and green snot tells me there was DEFINITELY an infection. Lovely. I've gone through FOUR bottles of Ester C (100 tablets each) since this started.

On the days that I'm off--which is every day now since my boss is in the hospital--I've been getting up around 6:30-7 a.m. and taking Holly for her walk. Mr. G is doing the same on days he's off. I really enjoy walking her then as opposed to late in the evening. The neighborhood is usually quiet and she's very well behaved for me.
I gotta stop holding complete conversations with her, though. If anybody came up behind me, they'd think I was totally nuts. [As opposed to partially nuts, which is all I'll admit to.] The other day I was asking Holly for her opinion on the placement of the new living room couch and chair. Typically, she totally agreed with my decision. That's what I love about her. The only time she "disagrees" is when I take her bone.
Last Sunday morning, I think we woke up all the four legged burglar alarms in the neighborhood, and I'm sure they were loving us. Holly dawdled just long enough in front of their homes to rouse the hounds. BTW, did I mention lately that one neighbor STILL has their Christmas lights up and ON every night? Same deal as last year. They turned them on ALL year until the "Merry Christmas, Welcome, Jebus" sign burned right out.

Ya know what I think would be a great tie-in promotion? If the Alli diet pill people offered a free package of Rit Brown dye for your poopy pants.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

deliver me

I've never been a fan of musical theater, so I wasn't that familiar with Sarah Brightman. Someone sent me some of her stuff a while ago, and I didn't think I'd like it, but I love this song. Sarah has a beautiful voice, and I think it's a great love song.

as long as i'm skinny, who gives a shit?

I mentioned the "miraculous" Alli diet pill the other day?
STRAIGHT from the Alli website:

  • You may feel an urgent need to go to the bathroom. Until you have a sense of any treatment effects, it's probably a smart idea to wear dark pants, and bring a change of clothes with you to work
  • You may not usually get gassy, but it's a possibility when you take alli. The bathroom is really the best place to go when that happens
Good f'ing grief. How can anyone possibly believe this pill is safe? But, knowing how people are dying to be thin--literally--I'm sure they'll start producing Alli maxi poop pads. With wings!

I put off talking about something that's really bothering me because I thought maybe Mushy would hit on it first--what with it being a problem in HIS neck of the woods and all, Lynchburg, but so far, I don't think he's talked about it. (Then again, the way my memory is working, he could have shown pics of the damn Jack Daniels' operation and I wouldn't remember.) The other day on CNN, I heard that the special underground springs that is ESSENTIAL to the manufacture of Jack Daniels is DRYING UP. The drought is causing them to cut back on the amount of water they use, but they have no idea what will happen if the spring dries up completely. One man from the plant went so far as to suggest that if the spring ran dry, THEY WOULDN'T MAKE ANY MORE JACK DANIELS!! You can see why this has totally put me into a grey funk. After all, Jack is how I make it through most days (and backdoor sex). This has made me think that it's a sign from the Universe telling me that I should seriously give up drinking all together. BWAHAHAHHAHA...give up drinking! I slay me. I shall deal with this the way I deal with all obstacles in my life: bury my head in the sand and pretend it's not happening. THEN I'll switch to Jim Beam;)

*insert scary music here* (but not the monster mash. that's just cheesy)

<--Since FHB was "floored" by the cheeriness of my 1,000th post, I give him this......

Wednesday, June 20, 2007


WELCOME TO MY 1,000th POST!!!!

Because this is such a milestone in my Blogger history, I couldn't help but think this post should be really, really funny, exciting and special.

Immediately, I thought, "Why the hell should it? None of the preceding 999 were anything to brag about. I don't want to start some sort of unhealthy precedent where these people think I'll be funny and exciting every day."

I thought, "Hey, let's just dazzle 'em with my ability to hunt down and upload clip art!" Wheeeeeee!

can't beat the real thing

UGH. UGH. UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH! I read that Rosie O'Donnell has another meeting with the folks at CBS and she really wants The Price is Right gig. I could not HACK listening to her bullshit every day, and I don't think the audience is ready for a female host. JOHN O'HURLEY FOR THE PRICE IS RIGHT HOST!!! He'd be great. He's naturally funny, debonair and sexy!

I'm sure by now you've read about the push to have incandescent light bulbs taken out of the stores, to be replaced by compact fluorescent bulbs. I read that there is enough mercury in one of those little bulbs to contaminate over six THOUSAND gallons of water. They're contaminating the environment with 30,000 pounds of mercury every year. If you break one in your home, they pose a serious health threat. I have a couple of the bulbs and was going to switch to all fluorescent until I read this. Now I want to get rid of the ones I have before something happens! To dispose of them properly, you need to contact the mercury recycling center in your area. Yeah, as IF we have one of those.

Remember this commercial? I do. Gawd, I miss the fresh, clean taste of soda in glass bottles. There's nothing like it.

I am constantly amazed at how much phlegm the human body can produce. It fucking can't manufacture fat fighting cells, but disgusting phlegm flows out of ya like a river.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

take another little piece of my heart now baby

I came home from work early today and there was a line of kids from my
front stoop to the driveway, all holding a five dollar bill in their hands.
When I pushed my way into the trailer, I saw Male Offspring #1 holding a fistful of dollahs and some JACKASS popping wheelies in the living room on MY beloved Hoveround.
Turns out sumdumson has found a way to make a quick buck without having to get himself a J.O.B.........which is more than I can say for myself. Mutter, mutter.
But he WILL pay for defiling my sweet, sweet Hoveround.

Since my boss is in the hospital again, I think now might be a good time to switch careers. I think I might become a fortune teller like Mrs. Grace.
She conned thousands from people simply by telling them she'd crush the curse that was on them. She used the old bloody egg scam to convince people they had a curse on them and then PRESTO! for a mere thousands of dollars, Mrs. Grace made the curse go away. One woman gave her 160k AND property in the course of a year. Hell, I could use property, and I'm certainly more than willing to crush curses to get some.
Or maybe I could become a hooker. Lord knows attractiveness has nothing to do with it. Hey, I watch COPS, I KNOW attractiveness has nothing to do with it.

geez this just won't die, will it?

from the Knoxville News-Sentinel

The Tennessee Highway Patrol's most famous ex-trooper got a surprise visit from his former bosses Wednesday morning.

THP investigators and state and federal agents raided the Middle Tennessee home of James Randy Moss, who resigned last month after being accused of receiving oral sex from a Knoxville porn actress during a traffic stop.

The raid marked the latest round of troubles for Moss, 40, who could face criminal charges in a scandal that's drawn international attention and made him the butt of jokes and Internet gossip.

"He's out there trying to do his job and stubs his toe, and the sky falls on him," said his lawyer, Jack Lowery Sr. "The man has turned in his resignation. He's been held up to public ridicule. My client, under the law, is presumed to be innocent."

Moss had worked for the state Department of Safety for 10 years when he came under scrutiny for writing porn star Barbie Cummings, 21, of Knoxville, a speeding ticket May 7 as she drove home from visiting her aunt in Lebanon.

Cummings, whose real name is Justis Ellen Richert, said Moss looked up her Web site on his state-issued laptop and threw away illegal Vicodin pills he found in her pink Honda Accord, then took her to a secluded spot for oral sex behind his cruiser. She said he shot photos and video of the act with his cell phone and sent her copies for her blog.

A THP employee filed an anonymous complaint against Moss the next day.

Investigators have stretched their probe since then to cover more than 25 previous traffic stops by Moss, all of women drivers and all with signs of "irregularities" in the in-car videotapes, Wilson County prosecutors said.

Moss' lawyer said the former trooper called Wednesday to tell him that authorities knocked on the door of his home near the Wilson-DeKalb county line around 11 a.m. with a search warrant. The agents searched the house and seized Moss' computer and cell phone, Lowery said.

Authorities wouldn't go into detail about what agents seized.

Lowery said he still hopes to head off any criminal charges against his client. Moss' wife has stood by him, and the former trooper has found work at a local construction company, his lawyer said.

"I have not been apprised of anything of much substance against him," Lowery said. "How do you prove somebody destroyed evidence? Whatever he has done that I know about, it appears to me that this is not a case that needs to go to Criminal Court."

The case could go before a grand jury next month.

Monday, June 18, 2007

i hope you know this has nothing to do with you

MSN is running a cute article entitled, "Unnecessary TV Children." I immediately thought of Life With Bonnie (Hunt). On the first season, Bonnie had three kids, a new infant and a boy and a girl.
When the season returned, Bonnie had mysteriously lost a child over the hiatus. It was the little girl they dumped and she wrote on her site that she had no idea why they got rid of her. OUCH. I actually liked her paired with the brother. They had good chemistry together, although his speech was difficult to understand at times.
For the first few seasons, I think the kids on Everybody Loves Raymond were pretty much unnecessary, too. You rarely saw them. I remember him saying in one interview the reason for that was because the show really wasn't about them. Then why have them? I think the show would have been so much better had they dumped Raymond and that bitch of a wife, Deborah.

Seven days later and I am STILL sucking down the Ester C, goldenseal and echinacea to get rid of this monster cold. The home health nurse told my boss that it's a virus going around. NOW my boss has it.She's got the low grade temp now, along with excessive coughing. Next stage: full blown fever. Ugh. It doesn't help that it's really hot and humid here today and the next couple days to follow.
It scares me how strong these viruses are. My boss is taking 'script cough syrup, but my aunt, who used to be an RN, told me long ago, that the cough syrups really don't do anything, as the cough/virus has to run it's course. What had me shaking my head was a list of about ten side effects you MIGHT encounter "for the first few days, while the drug is getting into your system". Puhleeze.
If my boss doesn't end up back in the hospital over this, it'll be a miracle.

there you go again looking better than a body has a right to

I transferred about eight chapters of one of my novels from my desktop to my laptop and found that it's filled with this crap:

“That didn’t take long.â€
“Thank you. I have excellent attorneys.â€

EVERYWHERE I have quotation marks or apostrophes. Does anybody know of a freeware program that will get rid of that garbage? I HATE LIKE HELL to have to go through and manually correct all of it.

I saw a commercial for metal detectors and I had to laugh. The guy said, "I was finding the good stuff in my neighborhood the first day." Several years ago, our classy neighbor buried several appliances in what used to be his mother in law's in ground pool. So I couldn't help but think the only thing I'd be "detecting" in my 'hood is rusty appliances and beer cans.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

i am rolling on the floor laughing my ass off

E! had a 50 Funniest Women Alive list show this afternoon. Some of their list was:
18. Kathy Griffin and then

13. Joan Rivers
12. Reese Witherspoon
11. Jennifer Aniston
10. Mo'Nique
9. Lisa Kudrow
8. Lily Tomlin
7. Roseanne
6. Kelly Ripa
5. Rosie O'Donnell
4. Julia Louis Dryfuss
3. Carol Burnett
2. Whoopi
1. Ellen

I think they're mistaking "funny in movies/tv" for naturally funny, and they're not the same thing. When I think knee slappers, I do NOT think Aniston OR Kudrow. They were ok in Friends, but they're not funny off the cuff women.

My top five list of 5 INHERENTLY funny women are:
5. Carol Burnett
4. Rosie O'Donnell
3, Kathy Griffin
2. Ellen
1. Roseanne

I know Joan Rivers was incredibly popular over the years, but I've never liked her humor. What made me laugh, though, was when she described Mary Tyler Moore refusing to speak to her whenever they met. When she finally asked Mary why, Mary said, "Because you said I look like The Joker!" And Joan said, "Well she does!" If you know what Joan looks like NOW, you'll know that what goes around, ALWAYS comes around;)

Who are your Top 5 Funniest Women of All Time?

Saturday, June 16, 2007

attention all COPS lovers!!

COPS wants to hear from YOU!!

"Email us and tell us your favorite moments from the first two decades of COPS. In September we will kick off the 20th Season of the program with a 'retrospective' of many of the greatest moments of the last two decades and what better way to pick these moments than to have you help us out.
Please try to be as detailed as possible as it will help us locate your favorite moment among the 350+ hours of programs we have produced over the years."

Hmmm, I'm gonna have to think on this one...

last night i couldn't get to sleep at all

I have departed Feverville and am slowly inching my way out of Snot Gulch. Yuck

My stomach drops everytime I see this commercial for Propel in which the chick is riding a bike. When she reaches the end of the street and her and the bike drop to the street below....yikes. Amazing how the camera work puts you right in the moment.

What gives with some of those uglee dresses Debbie Matenopoulos is wearing
on The Daily 10 lately? She's usually dressed so cool and fresh looking, but damn,
some of those dresses are frumpy grandma dresses.
I always have to smile when I see Debbie on tv.
She really fooled the people from The View with HER staying power, didn't she?
I bet they thought she'd disappear from sight once Barbara gave her the heave ho.

I was reading the gossip blogs and came across this little gem of wisdom from Paris Hilton's mom after she visited Paris in jail:
"The jails need financial help, and it's very sad to see what's going on in there. I always believe that where there's a negative there's a positive. And I feel that maybe this whole ordeal can shed light on other people, and that really maybe everybody should be treated exactly the same. I don't care who you are."
Kathy Hilton everybody should be treated EXACTLY THE SAME,
and yet her kid is in a special section of the jail, in a private cell, being treated quite differently than the others.
If her kid was treated like everyone else, she's be the first one throwing a public fit.

Friday, June 15, 2007

are you tough enough?

This is a very cool site to check out, especially if you feel the world is full of negative, uncaring people. It's from the Hilton Family and if you click on different spots on the map, you'll be able to read a story of random kindness that took place in that town. I was looking for the one random act of kindness in California in which a sheriff allowed a rich chick to leave jail early because she boo hoo-ed long and loud. Couldn't find it, but very cool indeed.

I think the only thing worse than a soap opera actor who thinks he/she is a singer, is an American Idol rejectee thinking he's an actor. UGH.
The Bold and the Beautiful has brought Constantine onto the show, giving me yet another reason not to watch.
The minute I see ANY soap actor reaching for a guitar or a microphone, I immediately lay on the FF button. But usually "singers" like this are brought on for one performance.
To bring someone like this on for a full storyline is excruciating.

I was sorry I missed Oprah yesterday, darn it. She had a straight guy who pretended to be gay as a guest. I'm thinking that must be every bit as insulting to the gays as having a super thin model dress up and pretend to be fat is to the overweight crowd. I only wanted to see if the guy wore the gay jeans. You've seen them. They're bleached and torn, but NEATLY bleached and torn. Like they want to appear rugged, but not--God forbid--untidy. They're usually worn by the gays in their 40's and 50's, attempting to be hip. I know all about this because my husband was given several pairs of gay jeans when my uncle died. Luckily, I pitched them all into the Goodwill bag before he became a gay magnet.

life is interesting, don't cha find it?

Alex sent me this link.
I found the whole situation rather interesting for several reasons. I think one of the most painful things a mother or father has to endure is finding out her/his child has been paying them lip service to their face, then kvetching about them on the internet. Yet most of us who have lived through life with a teenager has had to deal with this in one form or another. I know I have, and it really hurts. You feel betrayed. The whole "I've done EVERYTHING for this child, and this is how they repay me?" martyr routine runs through your head. The only thing that stopped me from acting like a complete idiot and confronting my daughter was being honest with myself and reminding myself that I don't always speak/think about my offspring in the highest regard either, so I have to be prepared for them to respond the same way towards me.
That having been said, I'm curious as to how this mother not only found out about the online posing, but she knows the url to her daughter's blog and has read it. Sorry, but unless the daughter specifically sent her the url, that's no different than reading her personal diary.
I've made it clear that I don't want my offspring reading my journal, and I don't actively search for/read theirs.
(Why? See the aforementioned reason. Duh.) Privacy works both ways.
IF the daughter is proud of what she is doing as far as the posing is concerned, why is she hiding it from mom? There comes a point with your parents when you just have to face the music. When you realize that lying to them is denying yourself and you can't live that way for one minute longer. Yep, been there and done that, too. If she's sensing that maybe Mom and Dad would be disappointed in her, maybe that's coming from a personal disappointment in herself?
It's amazing to me how we put blinders on as far as our kids are concerned. I remember one time I was discussing a situation concerning Female Offspring #1 with Mike South, who has no kids...that he knows of. (LOL) He assured me that he was 100% positive she was reacting in a certain way to this situation and I was equally confident that there was NO WAY IN HELL my kid would do that. I heard myself saying those infamous words, "No MY daughter." Guess what? He was 100% right, and it hurt like hell to find that out. But it made me realize that I expected her to react to situations the same way I did, all the while not wanting her to react like me. I've always wanted her to be bolder, stronger, not afraid and not bound by guilt, but the minute I saw her responding differently, I felt betrayed. Again, I had to remind myself that she is not me, and shouldn't be expected to do as I do. I just expect her to live with her decisions.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

my favorite commercial currently running

Aren't we ALL guilty of doing this? Ok, not so much donning the Hammer pants, but pretending to be a singer/dancer. It's even more hilarious if you remember the original video, and I do. They have it down perfectly. And I'm sure the financially bankrupt Hammer is thanking his lucky stars they used HIS song.
I LOVE IT!! Great job, Hallmark!

finally a legitimate reason why you can't get a date

I find it hard to believe that a sentence like this can really stick.

With all of the abusers in society who have done horrific things like setting their wives/gfs on fire or beating them unconscious repeatedly, I've never seen them given this sort of sentence. Too damn bad.

But how can it really be enforced? Is some cop gonna sit outside this twit's house making sure no females enter the premises? Frankly, the one thing the guy DID do right was stab himself. Too bad he wasn't an overachiever.

LOL! I enjoyed this.
On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!"

I took a drink from my can of Miller Lite, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared
directly into the eyes of this nosy ass neighbor and then calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass."

learn to be a stranger blonde on blonde

Have you seen all these new commercials for Alli, the first OTC weight loss drug? It's my understanding that this drug stops the body from absorbing fats. But in clinical studies,
people only lost an average of ONE POUND a month using this drug.
Now here's the fun part: in order to achieve that whopping one pound a month weight loss goal, you must endure the lovely side effects, including
diarrhea and UNCONTROLLABLE anal leakage. Ewwww!
The down side to this drug--no sadly, that wasn't it--is that it also blocks all your GOOD fats that the body needs.
All of your essential fatty acids will be blocked right along with the bad fat in your foods.

Why is it that when you're sick, you can barely eat the smallest amount of food before you're stuffed?
Tuesday afternoon, I was like, "Why did you bring me TWO pieces of butter toast? I'll never get all of this down."
Wednesday evening it was, "Give me a fork and spoon, park my chair in front of the open fridge and GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY!"
Unfortunately, with my allergies to dairy, I have to be very careful about what I eat when I'm getting better.
The least little bit of cheese right now and I'll be hacking even more than I am. And that's saying something.
Naturally, I'm craving pizza something awful.
My husband brought home exactly the right thing: a ton of fresh fruit, including my favorite, watermelon. Damn, I lurves me some watermelon.
(Is it my imagination or am I starting to sound more and more like Bugs?)
And just when you think it can't get any better, it was SEEDLESS!!
When I was pregnant with Female Offspring #1, during the summer, I LIVED on watermelon. Oddly enough, she hates it.
Anywho, Mr. G brought home some great looking plums and when I reached for one, it was soft enough the way I like it.
I took a bite of one and it was incredibly juicy, with absolutely no taste whatsoever. I said to my husband, "Wow, I must be sicker than I thought.
This plum has no taste."
A short time later, he said, "You're not as sick as you think. That plum didn't have a bit of taste. I've never had one like that before."
And it was hella juicy to boot. Oddly enough, the inside was white, instead of the golden color most plums are inside. I'm wondering if this plum
wasn't sprayed with stuff to make it look ripe before it's time, the way they do with other fruits and veggies?

Oh, I forgot to mention an incident that happened the other night. Shaved ten years off my life. And it didn't even involve one of my offspring. Go figger.
My boss has a big blood clot in her leg, so the doctor has her on Coumadin (blood thinner) pill and Lovinox shots, also a blood thinner, for five days.
Of course, the nurse came and gave us a big speech about how we have to be really careful if she cuts herself or starts bleeding because she could easily bleed to death.
[Don't cha just love "modern medicine"? It instills so much confidence in me.]
Sunday night I was giving her the last injection and I noticed the site where a previous injection had been
given was bleeding a teeny bit. So I wiped it with alcohol, put a tiny dab of Neosporin on it, and taped it tightly.
Because of various surguries that she's had, my boss's stomach is tight and pooched like a pregnant woman, and
the site of this shot was right were the stomach begins to curve down. In other words, any bending would aggravate it.
She went to bed around 10ish and we checked and made sure it was still dry. I told her if she saw any
bleeding during the night to call me immediately. I heard her using the bathroom a few times during
the night and around 4 a.m., I hear her screaming, "I'm all over blood!" My heart kickstarted and I went running.
While I'm usually pretty calm in emergency situations, I immediately began sweating like a starving Arab at a pig roast. This was a HUGE deal with the blood thinners.
Turns out her "blood all over" was a spot of blood about the size of two silver dollars on her pj's.
She immediately begins panicking because that's what she does best. I kept saying "Calm down and let me call the nurse." I'm trying to calm her down and myself.
I thought, "Ok, nobody is going to bleed to death with that small amount of blood in 6 or 7 hours."
I gave her a cotton ball dabbed with alcohol and told her to apply as much pressure as she could on it while I called the nurse.
She wailed the entire time about how she didn't want to go to the hospital, she was going to bleed to death, and on and on.
The nurse told me something that didn't make a whole lot of sense to me, though. She told me to put a DRY cotton ball on
the site and tape it tightly, that the alcohol was keeping it wet. Well, that didn't make sense because the dry cotton ball
would stick to the site and as soon as it was removed, it would more than likely cause it to start bleeding again.
But at that point, it wouldn't be my problem anymore, so I did what I was told.
I cleaned the site, iced it down to stop the bleeding, then taped it back up with a dry cotton ball.
I snuck in to check on her around 7ish before I left and everything was still dry. Thank God.
She was snoring her head off. Hey, all that wailing takes a lot out of a person.

And I forgot to mention this yesterday, too. I was cleaning my ears with peroxide Tuesday night and
I just happened to notice on the side that it cuts phelgm and mucus associated with mouth problems.
When I started hacking every few minutes, I tried ice water, and then I made a mouth wash, equal parts water and peroxide, and gargled with it.
It was weird because the little that I swallowed bubbled all the way down my throat, so obviously
there was still infection there, but it DID cut the phelgm during the night and I was able to sleep.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

hott child in the city

My boss makes me sick! Literally. Remember she went to the hospital for an
overnight stay last week? I think she brought a little something home.
The day after she came home, I started coughing. And I noticed she was coughing. I held out and worked my weekend shift, but thank
God I was off Monday because by about 11 a.m. I was in bed with a lousy fever.
Mr. G came in every couple hours and asked me if I was feeling any better, then he'd add that I didn't need to worry about scrubbing the living room carpet before the furniture guys arrived today. AS IF. The fucking rug could BURN for all I cared at that point. He came in around 8ish to
tell me the same thing and I lost it. I'm like, "You obviously don't understand how sick I am. I can barely get out of bed. I don't give a damn about the rug OR the furniture."
About five minutes later, he comes back in and says, "How about I get your laptop? That ought to make you feel better."
I yelled, "I don't want that damn laptop either. I'M SICK!"
Under his breath, I hear him saying, "Wow. She really IS sick."
As if the profuse sweating, intense coughing and sleeping for the last eight hours wasn't proof enough. Ugh.
Now it's Wednesday, I have to go back to work on Friday and my fever still hasn't broken completely. I do one little thing and I'm covered in sweat.
Of all the lousy times to get my days off cut from seven to four, this would be it. Hopefully, tomorrow will be a HALF decent day healthwise.
While I would like to say I'm penning this latest post from the comfort of my brand spanking new Lazy Boy chair or couch, I'm not.
I'm too wet--sadly, in many areas--to be sitting on anything that isn't plastic.
I can't remember the last time I was this sick.
I think one of the worst things about having a head cold is when you try to sleep and the mucus in your nose/throat starts "whistling". Ugh.
At one point, my nose was making so much noise it sounded like the woodwind section of a marching band.
Tuesday I was saying, "Hell, I'm going to be better in time just to go to work."
Now I'm saying, "I hope I"m better in time to go back to work."
I can't go back to work hacking and sweating like this.

Mr. G took his car in to be serviced because the brakes are making a grinding sound. They shouldn't be bad because we just had all
new brakes installed on that car last year, and he's only driven it about 4000 miles. Anymore with that car,
I don't worry about the cost so much, just whether or not it's even fixable.
His mother said, "Why don't you just buy a new one?" Yes, why don't we just rush right out and get in debt by about $11 or 12k? No biggie.

I taped some eps of COPS the other night and I was watching them this afternoon. There were several
episodes of Cheaters on before, and I have to say, I can't believe anyone with any dignity and self-respect would go on that show.
They have the cheatee, the cheater, and the show guy, who pretends to be the voice of reason, when really he just likes to incite things.
For the cheatee, it would be humiliating, and for the cheater, it's bad press for the next relationship.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

i should have lied, i should have cheated

Getting older is a bitch. I've always liked older men, but suddenly I find myself lusting after 30 year old boys. I think, when did I start liking younger guys? And when did I get so frigging old that I began thinking of 30 year olds as BOYS? The most insulting thing of all: when did I become a "Ma'am" damn it?!!

All right, who's the wise guy that told Paris Hilton we have military in Afghanistan?
I'm damn sure she didn't know that on her own. Stop the presses, Paris is halting her appeal. And she ought to. Hell, she ought to be ashamed of herself not being able to do 20+ lousy days. The most hilarious part of her statement was when she said, "I must also say that I was shocked to see all of the attention devoted
to the amount of time I would spend in jail for what I had done by the media, public and city officials." Shocked or elated? Yes, the rest of the world is shocked, the amount of effort and histrionics she put in trying to avoid facing up to her responsiblities. I KNOW this sudden about face means she's going to bore the world with a damn book. Or at least, an appearance on Okra.

Overtime Hawg, to me yesterday evening: "Why don't you give me your cell phone number? That way I can reach you in an emergency."
What? Annoying the fark out of me at home isn't enough?
I said sure, but I'll pretend to forget. If she pushes, I'll give her a cell phone number all right.
But it ain't gonna be mine. She's got a "real" cell phone. I have a Trac Fone, which means I pay by the minute whether
she calls me or I call her. AND I don't have any "free" minutes. I have no interest in paying to talk to her. I don't even want to talk to her for free.
I came in to work last night and right up she said, "Will you do blah blah for me? I don't feel good, that's why I didn't do it." WTF?

We all know how annoying Martha Stewart can be, but I want to kvetch about a MUCH MORE ANNOYING mother on tv: the chick in the Viva ads.
We've all seen the commercial: the kid, who apparently has NO common sense, takes a 2 liter of orange soda from the fridge and shakes it like a Polariod picture. His mother turns and he blasts her in the face with the soda. There's a moment of silence when he stares at her, expecting a good tongue lashing--and rightly so!
At that point, I'd be polishing up the paddle and doing my stretching warm-ups, so I wouldn't fatigue before I was finished administering a well deserved paddling.
Mother says, "Bobby! That's not the way you do it. THIS is how you do it," and she blasts him with the
water sprayer in the sink, while he, in turn, laughs and blasts her back with the soda. The sticky, insect attracting soda.
Who writes this drivel? No mother in this country would laugh at her kid spraying sticky, orange soda
all over her damn kitchen, even IF she does use absorbing Viva towels.
Then it shows HER cleaning up. Yeah, right. I'd boot his ass into a giftless Christmas, and the damn soda right along with him.

There was a story on CNN this morning about a boy who was dying with cancer and his last wish was to kill a bear. So this hunting club arranged for him and his dad to come in and shoot the bear. The boy died some hours later. I don't know how I feel about this. An innocent animal was slaughtered for what reason?

This is how Mr. G so lovingly asked me if I wanted to partake of some blissful lovemaking yesterday:
"Want sex? Speak now or forever hold your peace."
Cue up the Barry White music.
How could I ignore that erotic request?

On last night's evening news, they were discussing the fact that a "popular bagpipe band" would be performing at an area event. "Popular bagpipe band"....there's an oxymoron for ya.

The offspring have decided to pony up and use their one chance to save their sorry asses from Summer Camp Hell. There's a class
called "Ooey, Gooey, and Good To Eat," and one of them must attend with me, then I'll relent on the camps
I've chosen for them, and let them attend the ones they picked.
They're drawing straws as we speak and the shortest straw holder is the "lucky" "winner".
The only drawback is that the class concerns "edible chemistry experiments."
You all know Goddess is not a lover of science. Or math. Or history. Or geography.
Several other subjects are iffy as well. American Government, Law, Political Science, blah blah blah.
So if "Ooey, Gooey, and Good To Eat" is a class where we make bubble gum and marshmallow peeps, I'm gonna spit.
I've taken that class more often than the "Grow Your Own Pot At Home In The Closet" camp.
I think they hold the same damn class every year. They just disguise it with a new name.
One year it was called "Let's Eat Peeps!" and I thought it was a cooking class.
I went so far as to take a jar of gravy and some mashed pa'taters with me, anxious to eat them succulent little chickens. Imagine my disappointment.
Mashed pa'taters and gravy don't go well with marshmallow peeps.
Female Offspring #6 has already chosen a camp she wants to attend called, "Down on the Farm," where they'll explore the world of farm animals.
I know some guys who have "explored the world of farm animals," but that's a different camp all together.
It was called "Goin' Down on the Farm". E I E I OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...use more lube next time.
In addition to farm animals, at "Down on the Farm," the kids will learn about "fruits and vegetables and investigate farm equipment."
Kids will also learn how to give cows artificial growth hormone shots, and then
they'll learn how to lie and say, "NO, our cows have NOT been given artificial growth hormones" with a perfectly straight face.
"Investigating farm equipment" involves learning which appendage you can and cannot safely put into a moving fan blade.
I guess a pass or failure grade depends on whether or not you come home with all your fingers and toes....and other
stuff they shouldn't be yanking out down on the farm.
Male Offspring #4 wants to attend "Let's Have a Luau". They're going to learn to make leis with Hawaiian flowers,
then they'll hunt down an innocent pig--possibly a pig from over at the "Down on the Farm" camp--slaughter it and roast it on a spit.
One lucky kid will get the opportunity to
shove the apple in the pig's mouth. M.O. #4 is holding out hopes that he's the chosen one. I always knew he was "special."
Male Offspring #6 is in hog heaven--no pun intended--because he's found an "Awesome Art"
camp that primarily employs the use of "yarn and twine" in picture making. One can only wonder
what sort of twine art you can make, but hey, if it keeps him busy and out of my hair, I'm all for it.
In all this camp planning, I didn't even realize my neighbor was having a camp, and I could have sent all the offspring over there for free.
Their kids both attended "Sit On the Grass and Watch Dad Side The New Garage For Three Hours" camp. Fun for all ages!

all cried out but nothing to say

Ugh. The new song I've been grooving on is by DIDDY! DIDDY, damn it! I've never liked a Diddy song in my life. "Last Night" with Keyshea Cole has such a good sound to it. Her voice is so strong, I can't believe she's not famous right up there with Mariah Carey.

On last night's evening news, they were discussing the fact that a "popular bagpipe band" would be performing at an area event. There's an oxymoron for ya.

I was watching COPS last night, and I love the 2007 spin the female deputy put on the saying "if you love something, set it free." A young guy was bothering his ex and she maced him.
The officer at the scene said, "It's time to let go. If you love her set her free, you know.
If she loves you, she'll come back because you know she's armed now."

While I thought the Adams Family M&M Dark Chocolate tie in was cute, I don't
think I'm ready for their new commercials in which they're trying to turn all the M&M's into "people". Arms and legs was hard enough to get used to, but I prefer my candy sans hair and 'staches, thank you very much.

I heard on the news this morning, that in the year 2050, 1 person in 85 will have Alzheimers,
with the biggest rise coming from Asia. While I'd like to blame it all on THEIR MSG, and that damn soy the doctors keep pushing, I'm guessing it has more to do with the fact that OUR garbage food has invaded their culture. Hey, don't say we never gave ya anything, Asians!

I caught 1/2 of Shrek last night and I loved the song, Hallelujah by John Cale.
I loved that "I'm a donkey on the edge" comment, too.

Shell, stop trying to be oh, so artistically innovative with your cryptic commercials,
and just lower the damn price of gas and earl.

I see the new Nancy Drew movie coming out. When I was younger, back when Jebus was in Pampers,
I used to devour Nancy Drew books. The weird thing is that I LOVED mystery books: Nancy Drew, The Hardy Boys, Encyclopedia Brown and The Bobsey Twins, although the Bobsey Twins weren't strictly mystery books. But now I can't stand them. And I really hate it when they mix mystery into my romance novels. I also used to LOVE real life kidnap stories. After 82 Hours Til Dawn, I can't hack them anymore either.

My new living room furniture is arriving on Wednesday!!
*color me EXCITED*
Granted, it's been a mere 27 years since we bought new living room furniture, but I'm thrilled.
If I didn't have to scrub the living room rug first, I'd be estatic, but as it stands I'm settling for thrilled.

Saturday, June 09, 2007

don't be JEALOUS, guys, but

I just bought me a BRAND SPANKING NEW GRILL!!!!!!!!!!!!
Notice that it does TOAST, too? HA! Life don't get much better than this;)

Next up............a new boat!!

i got more than enough to make you drop to your knees

Larry the Cable Guy: "My brother's an idiot. He sold his truck for gas money."

Ya know the thing about this whole Paris Hilton fiasco that makes me laugh? She's going through histrionics and she's NOT EVEN mingling with the "common folk." She's in a separate wing, isolated from criminals. I think that's why a lot of people have no sympathy for her. Her original sentence has been reduced, she's isolated in a private area, and STILL she's kvetching. What happened to her "I'm ready to deal with the consequences of what I've done" bullshit? I'm VERY, VERY curious to see if she lands in hot water with the police again. Why do I get the feeling crying day and night is the hardest "work" she has ever done? You just know she'll get someone to write her autobiography about how hard her jail experiences were and she'll land her ass on Okra pimping it.

Mr. G pointed out the Yahoo headline concerning golfer John Daly that read "Daly says wife attacked him with knife." Following the natural progression of things, I said, "Wow. I wonder what he did to piss her off...."

Who else thinks the Burger King dude that dances in the western
burger commercials is a chick? I mean check out those shapely legs in white tights. That's no guy. So what does that tell us about the Burger King? He's a big Queen.

Don't miss Brian Regan's new standup on Comedy Central Sunday at 10 p.m. I love his stuff. He's very funny and he doesn't even feel the need to use profanity.

Friday, June 08, 2007

awwwwwwwww what a sweetie!!

CONGRATS to Felicia and Tim on the birth of their first baby!!!
Hendrix Alan Walker arrived at 7:55 am EDT, on Thursday morning, June 7, 2007 at a hospital in Dayton, Ohio. He weighed 7 lbs, 11 oz at birth and he was 20 1/4 inches long.

He looks so alert. Good sign.

They have a loooong way to go to catch up to me. Get working on that second one, kids!

welcome to the real world she said to me condescendingly

My dad asked me to stop at the candy store near work and buy him a box of peanut butter cups last night. Normally, any trip shopping for me is like sex: in, out and very little fiddling in between. But not yesterday. There was some chick in the store ahead of me buying five pounds of nonparelis in one pound boxes. First of all, who BUYS nonparelis at the candy store?
Buy them at the freaking grocery store in the boxes clearly marked "Sno Caps" and put them in 50 cent candy boxes. Ugh. The candy chick is taking the nonparelis out of the box ONE PIECE AT A TIME, and in the meantime, the customer starts ranting about teachers and how they're overpaid. No matter how pissed I was at the wait, I do think teachers in our area are overpaid, so I shamelessly eavesdropped. [$25k is a good salary in my school district and most teachers are making $34k and up. And I know this cuz some intrepid reporter, who obviously is as sick about hearing about this subject as I am, posted the salaries of teachers in the various school districts.] Anyway, nonpareil chick goes into the usual spiel: "they only work about 185 days a year and they get their summers off. Then she said something that almost caused me to burst out laughing. She said, "And they get their summers off. I never get a break from my kids."
Hellllllll-O? They're YOUR kids. Nobody forced you to have them. If you want a break, pay a damn babysitter. Or have enough kids so that you have free babysitters, like the rest of us.

I'm officially going on record as saying I think John O'Hurley should replace Bob Barker on The Price is Right. Not that I give a rat's ass, but I feel I should take a stand. Mario Lopez? Oh, PUHLEEZE.

Brian Regan: "First of all, Dora the Explorer? Did the creators think that rhymed?
Maybe in the Kennedy household. Dora thee uh Explora."
He is so funny.

I don't get why people are so gaga about these Forever Stamps? One guy even bought $8000 worth! In my mind, the ONLY time Forever Stamps are going to be a good investment is if you buy them right before the price of stamps go up. And if the post office is operating then, the way it is now, I'm sure they'll be "all out" of Forever Stamps at that time.
The Postal Regulatory Commission has suggested a limit be placed on how many Forever Stamps a person can buy, but that limit hasn't been set yet. My guess is it'll be set riiiiight before the price of stamps goes up again. I read that the price of stamps has gone up 13 times since 1974, which means about every three years. Any stamps I buy now will LONG be used up. One website suggested using online bill paying "because it's free." I beg to differ. I forgot to mail my credit card bill and I didn't want to be late with it because now when you're late with ONE credit card, they raise the rates on ALL your credit cards, even if they're held by different banks. What a bunch of shit. Anywho, it cost me $25 bucks to pay that damn thing online. There should be NO fee. The credit card company didn't lift a damn finger for me to pay that bill online and yet they're making $25 PURE PROFIT. In my next lifetime, I want to come back as a banker where I can steal people's money via perfectly legal "fuckover fees."Maybe it's just me, but in a world where gas is over $3 a gallon and bing cherries are $6 a pound, I don't think 41¢ is that high of a price to pay to mail a first class letter.

Apparently they've found a new handwritten memo from Abraham Lincoln dated
July 7th 1863, in which Lincoln wants Meade to go after Robert E. Lee and destroy the Confederate army, saying it would put an early end to the war. I saw that note and that's not what I got out of it at all. This is what I read: "Now if General Meade can complete his work so gloriously prosecuted thus far, by the litteral (sic) or substantial destruction of Lee's army, the rebellion will be over. Lee is quite the handsome young buck, despite his Southern upbringing. Virile, strong and rather studly. Now if you will excuse me, I must take my wife, Mary Todd, to the Lincoln bedroom where I will sex her up whilst thinking of Lee. I mean, I will be thinking about coming out on top of Lee. I mean, our victory, damn it.
Yours truly, A. Lincoln"

c'est la vie

Mushy inadvertently reminded me of one of my favorite songs from the 80's.

kill bacteria with a shine

Somebody who knows more about the law could answer this for me: if the judge in your case says "no home arrest," how can the sheriff send you home to finish out your sentence on home arrest? Besides the obvious answer of "Money talks, bullshit walks," of course.

I am truly mooooo-ved by this story.

I knew it wouldn't take long. My boss came home from the hospital yesterday afternoon.
The doctor said she could "rest just as easily at home". Can you say "overcrowded hospital," kids? Here's the majorly shitty thing about them releasing her so soon: they're making her take shots of blood thinner for five days, and three days worth (6) cost $300. Her insurance wouldn't cover one dime of it. Had she stayed in the hospital, they would have been covered.
Ok, so now we're back to our full shifts and full weekend shifts, every other weekend, because the boss feels like she just can't be alone. Overtime Hawg calls me and says, "I'd like to ask you something, Honey." Honey, MY ASS. "If I work Friday for you, would you work every other Saturday for me? That way I can go to our camp and spend the night, then come back Sunday morning for work."
I said, "If I do that, I'll be working EVERY Saturday."

She said, "No, no. Just every other Saturday for me."
I said, "Yeah and every other Saturday are my own Saturdays, making it EVERY Saturday."
I told her I was not the logical one to change with, our other co-worker was...LOL! It's called, "passing the buck," people.
So then she told me she was going to call the chick who works Mon, Tues, Wed & Thurs evening and ask her to do it. This co-worker came in to work a couple hours later and said that O.H. told her that her husband said if she can't work for her, they might as well sell their camper trailer and site. *insert phony tears here* So co-worker countered with, "My husband told me
that if I have to work weekends, I'd have to quit and I can't afford that." LOL! One excuse is more ludicrous than the other, and I love the way they're both making their husbands the bad guys. Oh, we women are so crafty. As for the excuses, if you can't afford to stay at home, why would your husband tell you to quit the job you do have? And who gives a fark if O.H. sells her camp? Like that's any hardship for either one of us. When I told my husband what O.H. had in mind, he said, "For Pete's sake, you haven't even worked a weekend, yet and already she's trying to stick you with all of them."

Thursday, June 07, 2007

coming soon to a stalker near you

Lewis Black, on using Google Street View, "log onto Google and press the button that says "I feel violated."

Congrats to Google for coming up with the Ultimate Stalker's Tool: Google Street View. It will offer a 360 degree turn of YOUR neighborhood for every street in the U.S.

So help me, Google, if you scan my neighborhood while I'm outside weeding in my mumu and black knee socks, I'm suing your asses!!!
Thanks, Google, for making stalking so much easier.

Oh to be RICH. Paris Hilton is ALREADY out of jail after serving only five days of her already reduced sentence. Hilton will spend the rest of her time confined to her comfy home where she will be waited on hand on foot by servants. The poor girl!

UPDATE: I posted Paris was in jail five days. It's only been THREE and they said she was sobbing loudly all three nights. Is THAT all it takes to get out of jail? Convicted felons, let the tears begin flowing!!

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

duck and cover

Hard to take nuclear attacks seriously when they use cartoon characters to teach us.....

live like you were dying

As Roseanne Rosannadanna would say, "If it's not one thing, it's another."

I'm actively starting to job hunt again. Sigh. I HATE it. I've had my current job for over five years and it's been my BEST and longest lasting. I need to find myself a rich 60ish dude (or 30ish--I'm willing to deal with testosterone overload on a daily basis)
who longs for the creature comforts a wife can provide, sans sex and arguing.
What I really need is a Sugar Daddy!! I'll suffer through sex with a 30 year old......
Ok give me a minute to recover from that visual. Maybe five or ten minutes.
Last night, the first night my boss was supposed to stay by herself for a few hours, she ended up in the hospital. She was complaining to me about her leg yesterday but she kept saying that she thought it was due to fluid build-up, and the doctor had her on water pills for that.
She has congestive heart failure, and fluid build-up in the legs and lungs is a common occurrence with that condition. When the nightshift girl got there a couple hours later, the boss was complaining her leg was stiff, so she called for an ambulance.
Good thing, because they discovered the boss has a big blood clot in her leg.
She's been good at keeping her diabetes under control, so I'm hoping she's ok. I guess between the fluid and the blood clot, they were having a difficult time getting an IV started last night.
I'm worried about her being ok because I really care about her, and unfortunately, I have to worry about my finances as well. I always feel so guilty about that, worrying about her health AND worrying about my income in the same thought, but that's the nature of my job. Thankfully, I was almost to the end of a full week, but I'm still losing two days pay. I honestly don't know how my boss is going to handle being alone at all. She has lived a really sheltered life.
Her brother and sister basically handled all her money, she never made a doggone decision in her life that I can see. Whenever she's faced with something she doesn't like, her "nerves" get all upset. That's bascially how she "deals" with stuff. And while I really like her and she's been great to me,
Mr. G pointed out that she's probably going to be in the hospital more and more if she has to be alone, due to "nerves".
I slept lousy last night. My stomach was churning and all these "how am I going to pay blahblahblah" questions
kept going through my head. We can't make the car payment without my income, but fortunately, I only have about six more months of payments to go. However, if I'm this wound up NOW, I don't want to think about how I'll be if I actually lose the job outright. That's why I think it's better to start actively searching now, instead of waiting till my back is against the wall, and I feel pressured to take the first thing I find.
It's ironic, though, when I think back to the beginning of this job. Mr. G called me after seeing the ad in the paper, and when I called, the lady that answered (my boss's older sister) sounded all crappy and grouchy. Indeed, she was, but you could tell she was that way because she wasn't used to dealing with people, and you could also tell she was basically a nice person, only gruff. Anyway, I didn't even want to take the job, but I thought I'd go to the interview just to see what was going on. When I got there, I realized Boss #1 was my mother's neighbor. I didn't know her at first and she didn't know me until she told me where she lived and I said, "That's right across the street from my mom!" I knew then that I wanted to take the job because I would be working for someone that wasn't a total stranger, a big plus for me. It turned out to be the best job I've had. Sigh. But the fact that Boss #2 is running out of money and not feeling well are two pretty big signs from the Universe that I can't ignore.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

gas 'er up!

My boss was watching an old Let's Make a Deal and I happened passed the room when they were giving away a station wagon. The cost of the station wagon was $6k plus, but here's the kicker: they also gave the winner 1000 gallons of gas. Cost? $350.

My heart does my wallet.

the true meaning of friendship

Brooke sent me this and I think it's hilarious, especially the part at the end:

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against The sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well Again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask; "because you are my friend".

Friendship is like peeing your pants,
Everyone can see it,
But only you can feel the true warmth.