Because I'm well known for my tact and sensitivity, this is a letter I'm sending to all my elderly relatives:
"Dear Aunts and Uncles,
As dying time draws near, I feel there is something I must say. I cherish the fact that you love me enough to leave me something in your will. I'm grateful you think that much of me. *However* to that end, I have a teensy weensy suggestion. Instead of leaving me a ten year old microwave or an equally old Hoover that ends up costing me money to repair, a small amount of cash would be soooo much more welcome. It's not that I don't appreciate the 20 year old living room chair, as a matter of fact, I already have a 27 year old living room chair to match. But it's not much of a step up, if you know what I mean. You don't have to leave me a *large* amount of money--although I won't turn that down--but for the love of God, LEAVE ME SOMETHING I CAN PAY BILLS with instead of something that I am able to "enjoy" only so long as it takes me to move it from your house to the trash heap. I, in turn, will not speak ill of you and I won't tell everyone about the time Grandma caught your ass smoking or sexing it up in the barn. Thank you for your support."
The kids spent most of the day swimming, which means they can't come inside before I line 'em all up and hose 'em all down. They wanted me to invest in a swimming pool, but I told them that as long as the good Lord gave us shovels, a backyard and a hose, they don't need a fancy schmancy pool. I always look forward to swimming pool season because it takes them two days of digging. Oh the peace and quiet. Except for the time they tossed Male Offspring #5 into the hole and tried to bury him. Kinda served him right. They get tired of listening to all those Bible CD's while they dig. And in all fairness, he *was* forcing them to listen to the story of Joseph. Anywho, they finished the "pool" (aka a hole in the ground), filled it with water today and spent the whole day swimming. Lord love 'em they're mud from head to toe. The great thing about the swimming "holes" is that I don't have to buy chlorine or pay for a pool boy to clean it. I'm not sure, but I think I saw one of the Geese for All Seasons in the pool wearing scuba gear....
I received a phone call last month or so from someone soliticting funds on behalf of the PA Chiefs of Police Assn. They asked me to donate & you know what faithful supporter of LEO's I am, so of course, I agreed to donate. I pledged $25 and while I was still on the phone with them making my *original* contribution, they asked me to consider giving $35. Maybe it's just me, but that pissed me off. I'm like, how freaking ungrateful can ya get? I haven't even sent in this check and they're asking me to make a larger donation. I stuck with what I originally pledged though and sent them the $25. They have been freaking hounding me ever since, to the point where they just lost a regular donor.