Wednesday, May 23, 2007

my porn rant

I'm making this post separate from my usual stuff because I know not everyone on my reading list doesn't like porn. It's a porn rant, so feel free to move on to my other posts.

Den sent me a DVD from Playgirl entitled "Climactic Tales." Yes, that's right, Frank, he sent me the DVD. He didn't make a freaking donation to an adult video store in my name!! What a lame birthday gift...........but I digress.

Den sent me the video because anybody who has ever read anything I've written on this subject knows I love to see solo scenes of guys masturbating. What can I say? It's the supressed Catholic gurl in me asserting her sexual independence!! The badder the better. There was one solo guy scene included in this DVD, so Den was sweet enough to see that I got it. Thanks, Richard, for sending!

The solo scene was 24.5 minutes long, and it was 12.5 minutes into the scene before I ever got a look at the gay dude's cock. Sorry, but there's no way ANY ONE is going to convince me this dude (or the majority of the other guys in this movie and I'm saying "majority" only because I didn't look at all of them) is straight, even if he is appearing in a "couple's flick". Most of the first 12 minutes was spent playing with his nipples, rubbing himself through his tidy whities and dry humping the couch. Wow. Who couldn't get turned on at the sight of a grown man dry humping furniture? (This must be where the three guys on YouTube got the idea.) All of this was interspersed with shots of the wallpaper and the dude's feet. The music was as slow and boring as the scene. Yes, Playgirl even managed to screw up a solo sex scene. I didn't realize that was even possible.

For giggles--Lord knows it wasn't for the sexual excitement--I decided to check out the first chapter of this movie entitled "Astronauts." For the first five minutes of the scene it showed a chick wandering aimlessly through Playgirl's version of a space ship, and off in another direction, the guy was wandering aimlessly until they met up and begin sexing each other up. I didn't bother to watch the rest of the scene because again, the "straight actor" was too doggone gay.

Can you FEEL my frustration?!

As a healthy, heterosexual woman who USED TO enjoy watching old school porn, let me just say, hey, Playgirl, what happened to casting HETEROSEXUAL GUYS IN HETEROSEXUAL VIDEOS? Guys who aren't afraid of a little body hair? Guys who don't try to not so subtly slip athletic poses into their "masturbation" scenes? I don't want men who look like women, I want men who like women. In closing, may I suggest a title change to this DVD? Anti-Climactic Tales is much more appropriate.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

testing 1, 2, 3

Shrink Wrapped Scream said...

Sheesh, can't remember a time I last watched a porno film, come to think of it can't remember a time I last had sex. I'm not saying I don't have regular sex, it's just the remembering about it afterwards..

*Goddess* said...

That's good that the sex is so mind blowing you have amnesia! LOL! I could use me of some that muhself....