Wednesday, April 18, 2007

like a game show contestant with a parting gift, i could not believe my eyes

Last night I was yakking it up with my gf Copluvr on IM and I mentioned my fun day of running around. She said, "Oh, Goddess, please, PLEASE can I come with you? There is no one wittier or more interesting that I'd rather be with. My life is an empty, barren hole of nothingness, but spending time with you will make it all worthwhile."
Ok, that wasn't exactly what she said, but that's the way it translates out in my head, so pffft. I picked her up around 8:40 and we went to the DMV. All the way to the DMV, I had the perfect hair going. I had my bangs to the side, feathering perfectly, and WISPS of hair across my forehead, which I thought made me look sooooo much younger.
Instead of the chick that was manning the camera the first time I tried this, I got the gay dude picture taker-er today.
He sounds EXACTLY like Rip Torn. Rip Torn, the gay dude who used to appear on Hollywood Squares all the time, not Rip Torn the good looking actor. Noooot that there's anything wrong with being gay, but I told Copluvr that in order to get a great smile, I was going to mentally superimpose a hott cop's face riiiight over Rip's face. I would think of him, instead of Rip's really bad grey toupee.
And then when Rip said, "Smile!" I was going to picture that cop stroking himself, an image that was SURE to bring a genuinely happy smile to my face. So Rip called me in and I assured him that I wanted to be an organ donor, but ONLY after three MEDICALLY CERTIFIED people legally declared me dead, which eliminates overeager volunteer firemen.
I looked at Copluvr and pointed to my forehead and she gave me the "thumbs up," confirming I still had the wisps going on.
Eggecellent.
Rip Torn looks at me and says, "How about getting that hair out of your face?"
EXCUSE ME?! Who are you? My grandpa?!
That isn't HAIR in my face, damn it, it's WISPS!! Youth inducing WISPS. Sigh.
After I brushed the WISPS out of my face, Rip Torn started fiddling with the computer. He told me to look at the orange button on the camera thingy, when I heard Copluvr say, "Oh. My. GAWD!"
Now any woman worth her salt knows that "Oh. My. GAWD!" is the universal "hott cop alert!" signal. After all, we're at a DMV. What else could it mean?
So I turned to the left where she was sitting, only to discover she was anxiously rooting through her purse like a hungry rat frantically moves through a steaming pile of garbage. Later I found out that she thought "Oh. My. GAWD" was the universal "I think I lost my checkbook!" signal, when clearly that's an "OH. SHIT!!!! " moment.
Rip Torn starts bellyaching about me staring straight ahead and he finally takes my picture, but not before he says, "SAAA-MILE-LLL!" in what can best be described as a gay man's imitation of JoAnn Worley.
Noooot that there's anything wrong with JoAnn Worley. Unfortunately, it sounded so gay, all thoughts of a hott hetero cop went right out of my head, and he captured more of a grimace than a smile.
Rip Torn points to the screen and says, "This is what your license is going to look like." Now let me think....what was that exact thought that went through my head again when I saw myself? Oh, yeah...."ewwwwww...uuuuughhhh....ooooooh.....my gawd that's awful".
It's funny how you go through life convincing yourself you're fairly attractive, then you see a huge computer screen containing a close up of your mug
and you wonder how you deluded yourself so badly and for so long. I'm like, "Oy. Whatever. Print it." I can't fight fate.
Long story short, Copulvr nearly pissed her pants laughing at my picture and I fully intend to keep using my old license picture "by accident." Not that it was much better, but I've gotten used to it.
For some reason I can't fathom, white people look even whiter on these damn license photos. It's like a second before Rip Torn snapped the pic someone flashed a bright light in my face. I've seen white typing paper with more color than my face in this stupid license pic.
Worse yet, the white highlights the bags behind your eyes, the bags under your eyes and the bags that are your eyes. And I won't even discuss how it made the bridge of my nose look about five inches wide.
There was a lady sitting next to me in her 60's and she had the whole orange foundation/bright red blush thing going on. It occured to me later that she probably looked half decent in her picture because it would take that much make-up to show on camera.

5 comments:

Kate said...

you have my sympathies. my DL photo captured me in a "what the hell are you doing?" half-sneer (the woman behind the counter was a moron).

can't be as bad as my passport photo, though. in addition to being pasty-white, etc., she took it from a weird angle, and i look like i weigh 500 lbs. i almost cried when i saw it in the mail it was that bad. i'm currently engineering an "accident," so i can get a replacement passport and a new pic.

*Goddess* said...

LOL! You know it's bad when you'd rather wait in line and have a new one issued. I figure the only people who are going to see this fuglee pic are moi and the cashier at Dollar General...

Anonymous said...

i haven't been able to post a comment for two days now, G.

about your license picture-----hahahahahahahahahahahaAAAAAAhahahahahahahahahaAAAAAAAAAAAhahahahahahahahaha!!!

Anonymous said...

oops. that was me!
copluvr

*Goddess* said...

Like I couldn't have figured *that* out. *insert big raspberry here* LOL!