Tuesday, April 03, 2007

damn i wish i was your lover

GMail got me good with their April Fool's Day joke the other day. When you logged onto their site, they announced a new service called GMail Paper. The gist of it was that you could request a physical copy of any email message and they would print it out and mail it to you. You could request any amount of emails you wanted and they'd print 'em and send 'em. I kept thinking, why would they do that for FREE? LOL. Turns out it was their big joke on us. I thought it was pretty funny.

I went to the DMV to get my license picture renewed.
It doesn't need to be renewed until May, but I went today because after I showered and styled, my hair was PERFECT. Yes, I'm that vain. Usually my license pics look like I've been up vomiting all night, so I thought it would be nice to see something DIFFERENT for a change.
My hair at the two week stretch where it lays nicely, it's not too long and it's not too short. Well, apparently DMV lady was having a heck of a time getting her computer working and instead of asking for help, she kept pissing with it herself until a good 40 minutes had passed, THEN she called for help. At that point, I blew that popsicle stand. I was number 61 and she was still helping number 52. Hell, when I arrived 40 minutes previously she was only on number 51. But the wait was well worth it because on the way out, a State Trooper hottie held the door for me. It made me think about when I took my driver's license test, way back when Laura Ingalls was still living on the prairie. The tests were given by State Troopers then, and I can remember how hella nervous I was just seeing him in that uniform. I performed a "perfect" rolling stop--yikes!--and it took me more
than three turns to make the three point turn, but he passed me anyway....with a warning not to do either of those things again.
Anywho, I went shopping and I had people talking to me everywhere I went, MORE hott guys holding the door for me and I even got one of those fancy, schmancy $1 coins, which I promptly spent on something chocolate. I felt like I really had it goin' on today.

Dear Lord,

Why don't You want me to be able to make my own screen captures for my Hott Cops site? Is it because I threw snowballs at Booger McSnotty over the whole almond candy bar incident? You know he was in the wrong! Is it because I ate a ham sandwich last Friday? That honey mustard made the sinning worthwhile. Is it because I swore up and down that I would go to Church if only You let my horrid heartburn pass a few months back, but I've yet to step foot in Church? You shouldn't have made my mattress so comfy! I paid $55 for a "high speed usb video grabber," Lord, because it showed a connection on the box between a damn VCR and a damn laptop, indicating that I could transfer my VCR tapes to DVD via my computer. I have a damn VCR, Lord and I have a damn laptop, but does it work? Noooooooooooooooooooo, and You know *why* it doesn't work, Lord? (Well, of course, You do, but for the sake of those reading this post that aren't Omnipotent, I'll continue....) It doesn't work because the stupid, freaking, blasted red, yellow and white connectors are INNIES!! That's right, INNIES!! I have 25 pairs of these stupid connectors and every blasted one of them are OUTIES!! But THIS ONE is a FRIGGING INNIE!!! Thanks for nothing, Lord! (And CompUSA!)." Oh, wait. Maybe it's all CompUSA's fault? Never mind, Lord.

And now back to my *regularly scheduled* bitching....

The season premiere of Reno 911 was hilarious. The Reno police department lost some funding,
so they were sponsored by the Hotty's Hot Wings chain. The officers had to wear bright pink hot pants like the Hotty's girls, and they painted the police cars hot pink.
Their revised Miranda rights were a hoot: "Sir, you have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you. You have the right to a 10 piece Hotty's hot wings with your choice of delicious sauces: atomic, super atomic, Chernobyl, Hindenburg or Nagasaki. If you cannot afford to treat yourself, and your whole family to a delicious meal of hot wings served by the
sinfully wicked Hotty's girls then come on in for Double D Day. The double d stands for 'delicious deal'."
I love it!
They were eating so many hot wings, they were sick of them. At one point, Clemmie runs
to the bathroom, and Niecy Nash's character yells, "If it burns going in, it's gonna burn coming out."

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