Thursday, February 08, 2007

not in MY neighborhood!

So there I was this morning, sitting in the last pew at church, minding my own business breastfeeding Male Offspring #8.
Some dude slides into the seat beside me. Hello? It's a Thursday morning.
The church isn't exactly overcrowded. He is just like the person who
parked so close to me at Dollar General that I had to wait for them to come out of the store to open
my driver's side door. And the entire frigging parking lot was empty.
Anyway, the guy leans over and says, "How old is that kid?"
Why do people always feel the need to chat in church?
I said, "My son is going to be nine months old next week."
He said, "Why are you still breast feeding if he's that old?"
I said, "Excuse me? Can you not see this is a personal matter between me and my child? That we are bonding on an almost spiritual level?"
He looked at me for a minute then said, "But don't those teeth hurt?"
I said, "Hell, yeah, they hurt. But I don't have to mess with those plastic bottle liners
and rubber nipples. When my son goes off the breast, he's going to be old enough to graduate right to a sippy cup."
Ooooh, I remember the class on feeding your baby at the hospital when I had Female Offspring #1.
I had inadvertently walked into the class for bottle fed babies.
The nurse was talking about how it was very important to sterilize your nipples. I raised my hand and asked, "Well, how do we sterilize our nipples?"
She said, "I find it's best to submerge them in boiling water for at least ten minutes."
I said, "DAMN. That's gonna smart, isn't it?"
She said, "You do realize I'm talking about rubber nipples, right? Not your own."
I rolled my eyes and said, "Well, of course, I know you're talking about the rubber nipples. How stupid do you think I am?"
PHEW! I wasn't looking forward to standing over the stove with my nipples dangling in boiling water, thank you very much.

Check out South on 11 Alive news.

I think city councilwoman Mary Norwood had her thong in a twist at the mere thought of anyone having sex in her neighborhood...LOL!

My favorite line is when Mary says it's in South's best interests to NEVER be seen in her neighborhood again. Lordy, that's like waving a red flag in front of a charging bull....

Oh come on. Look what Richard Freeman wrote to South about his upcoming surgery: "Dear Cap'n,
Let's hope that everything goes well with the surgery - though it's probably a lousy idea to
hire Goddess to come down there to take care of you when you're flat on your back, JFK style. Especially if she brings one of her kids again to wean."

I would make a GREAT nurse. I can see it now...now...now.
There I am sitting on my ass in front
of South's widescreen watching COPS and eating Dove Ice Cream Bars while
screaming, "GET YOUR OWN DAMN FOOD!! WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE?! A FREAKING NURSE?!"
Yep, I'm all about caring for others. Bottom line is anytime I've ever taken care of Mr. G, he's always said, "Honey, you're a great head nurse." Emphasis on the word "head".

4 comments:

Mushy said...

Ouch...boiling nipples!

You forgot "my ass" and what is "sugarloaf" have to do with anything? Is that a new pet name for your ass?

Funny!

I came over just to see your MyBlogLog and my face.

Goddess said...

Nooooooooooo! I did forget "my ass"! Gonna correct that immediately!

And whiel it sounds great, Sugarloaf is the name of the country club in GA, not the pet name for my ass.

Anonymous said...

Sugarloaf and Dunwoody? These are names you would automatically associate with porn!! Well, at least I would. But I'm a perv so maybe that's just me??? ;-)

Stacey

-Kaje said...

Oh that's rich! that's really rich!