Wednesday, February 28, 2007

island breeze

I don't know why it took me so long to figure it out, but I finally realized that ANS's mother determination to get custody of her daughter's body and be named closest living relative probably has more to do with the child custody case than any need to take her daughter's body back home. It just doesn't make sense otherwise. I'm guessing maybe a court would look more favorably on her when it comes to custody if she was given custody of the body.

The other night I stopped in at my mom and dad's and heard the three words every grown child dreads, "Come watch 'Wheel'."
Oh, yeah, 30 minutes with Pat and Vanna. There's a half hour of my life I'll never get back.

Somebody left this comment on my site: "I don't know who you are, what you look like, how old you are, or anything else about you... but I think I'm in love! The way you write you are so real that I can't help but like ya. And no I'm not some perv...I just like smart, down-to-earth people."
You just know that guy will never be back.
Wasn't that nice? And it wasn't even me leaving comments to myself. Although, hmmm, now
that I think about it, I've been so lax about leaving flattering comments to myself.

Last night was the debut of FOX's "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader" Here are the questions:
"In what month do we observe Columbus Day?"
"True or False? In the wild polar bears typically feed on penguins."
"If a triangle has an area of 16 square inches and a base of 8 inches, how long is it's height?"
"Who was the first US President to be impeached?"
"Name the ship the pilgrims sailed from Plymouth, England to the Plymouth Colony in American in 1610."
"Part of a person's sleep cycle is called the REM cycle. What does REM stand for?"
No cheating and I'll post the answers later. The show is waaaay too slow. They only got through these 6 questions in 30 minutes.
I think it would be more interesting if one kid played against one adult, not kids helping the adults to win.
Hey screw the adults if they don't remember this sort of stuff. Lord knows I certainly don't.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

ya got to have friends

Good news for Mike South! Now I'm know he's having a rough time with his recovery so I thought, "What could I do to make things easier for him?" Then it came to me in a flash--I could ask around and find someone who is willing to update for him. That way South could concentrate on getting better. Lo and behold after just five days of beggi--asking around--I found someone!
<--He's a fresh new voice, but I've read a lot of his stuff and I laugh every damn time.
He's not even out for the glory. As a matter of fact, he's updated for me several times
in a pinch, and you people didn't even realize the posts weren't written by me.

Monday, February 26, 2007

it's such a good vibration

I switched several feeds over to Google Reader and I'm liking that more than I did Bloglines.
I'll see how well it does with MSN accounts. I'm so TIRED of Bloglines telling me MSN people have updated, only to take me to the picture pages. UGH.
Maybe I don't have Bloglines set up properly, but I can only see one post at a time and the
pictures/vids RARELY show up. On Google, I have an "expanded view," which
allows me to read several posts and the pics/vids open in Google.

Hey! I actually got two of my Oscar picks right. Despite myself...

I can't believe people get so bent out of shape at the notion that Jesus might have had a son with Mary Magdeline.
Is it so hard to believe? I mean He was human...for a while there.

My co worker really cheesed my ass Sunday morning. Out of common COURTESY, we're supposed to
shovel the sidewalks for person coming in to relieve you.
It started snowing/sleeting when I left for work this morning and it takes me about 15 minutes to get to work.
When I came in to start my shift, she said, "I don't really think it would do me much good to put the salt on the sidewalks now.
It's supposed to snow all day. The snow will probably bury the salt."
I said, "It would probably keep the sidewalks from icing over."
She said, "Well, we better just keep an eye on it" as she's WALKING OUT THE DAMN DOOR. "We." Niiiice.

Jay has posted his Oscar picks, so I think I shall steal this idea and post my picks too:
Best Picture: I haven't seen any of these movies, but I'm picking "Little Miss Sunshine" because I like the cast.
Best Director: Don't know, don't care
Best Supporting Actress: Again, haven't seen any of the movies involved, but I want Jen Hudson to win simply because it would
piss Beyonce off. MEOW! Cat fight!
Best Supporting Actor: Wahlberg looks good in his underwear and that's good enough for me.
Best Actress: I'm picking the chick who played the snooty, stick up her butt Queen.
Best Actor: any cops in the running?

I officially *hate* DVD's. To date, I haven't sat through an entire one yet because of all the
added bells and whistles. I just want to slap the damn thing into the DVD player and start
the feature. That's ALL. I don't want to have to decide between outtakes or behind the scenes b.s. or trailers. I JUST WANNA SEE MY MOVIE!!

And now, time for a new feature, "Snippets of Private Conversations I've Overheard In Public":
"I should have listened when my doctor told me I had bladder cancer."
Well, that's a no brainer.
Woman talking to the guy with her, "Do we have any douche at home?"
How would he know?! Ewww.
"How was I supposed to know my wife would find out?"
We ALWAYS find out.
"I'll be home in about ten minutes. How 'bout we use the vibrator as soon as I get there?"
Actually that last one was me, talking on my cell with Mr. G while walking through Rite Aid...

Sunday, February 25, 2007

drive by drivel

Several people have asked me about South, and I just wanted to pass on to you that he does have his laptop with him, and he does have someone who checks it for him, so feel free to email him your well wishes,
I talked to his mom and she said that he did have his laptop so I could email him, but he might not get back to me. I said, "So pretty much nothing has changed there, huh?" BWAHAHAHAHA.

People seriously need to lighten up. There's a dog store in Seattle called "High Maintenance Bitch." Some of the people living close to the store think the store's sign is "profane," "too in your face"and one lady said she wouldn't buy anything with the "b" word on it. Oy vey. I think it's kinda cute.

I hope that when I grow up, I'm able to master the fine art of eating a
grapefruit. Lord knows I'm not making any headway now.
If I split it in half and eat it with a spoon, I end up leaving half of the fruit behind.
If I slice it and eat it like an orange like Mr. G does, I end up wearing most of the juice on my shirt.

Saturday, February 24, 2007

chewing on a piece of grass walking down the road

I was on my way to work this morning and it was about 5°. I saw some guy walking his
dog and the pooch was wearing a colorful poncho. I thought, "Awww, that's sweet."
Then I see a dog wearing a blue winter coat. Awwww, nice. Next dog comes down the sidewalk with
a hat, coat, scarf and purse. Ok, that's just overkill, people. God gave those animals a permanent coat for a reason.

I think that if Anna Nicole's mother had any respect for her late daughter, she'd drop this appeal to have her buried in Texas.
If ANS wanted to be in Texas with her family, she would have done so while alive.
As far as the video with the clown face paint goes, I think that was all acting on ANS and Stern's part.
The judge crying when he handed down his decision was absolutely ridiculous.
You would have thought ANS was *his* daughter the
way he carried on. The whole point of having a judge is so
someone delivers an IMPARTIAL decision and this guy was far from impartial.
The blubbering and inappropriate questioning was hardly professional behavior.
The funny thing is that when questioned about a living will, Stern said "I just...we just didn't think she was going to die."
Yet moments earlier he said Anna always thought she'd die young. I wouldn't want him as my
attorney if thinking someone isn't going to die is his reason for not having them sign a living will.

Friday, February 23, 2007

smells of teen spirit....and pepe lepew

I love those commercials for eHarmony where they ask the couples what they
love about each other. Most of them say, "I love everything about him/her."
What a lazy cop out. Nobody loves EVERYTHING about their spouse.
That would mean they love her PMS and his farting.
If I was on that commercial talking about our relationship, I'd be all, "Well, I love his big schwang.
I'm not the least bit wild about the scratching in public, but he's learned to overlook my idiosyncrasies."

Poor Holly. It snowed about five inches last night and was blowing something fierce all night
with temps in the low teens. So you'd THINK any animal with a lick of sense would stay in hibernation, riiiiight?
Mr. G took Holly out to do her duty around 2:30 a.m. and the dawg ran nose first into a skunk.
She didn't get sprayed really bad, but she was quite the subdued pup when he brought her back into the house. I was really surprised because I didn't think skunks were out this time
of year. Naturally we were out of Skunk Off, so I got on the internet and found a natural remedy.
(Yes, at 2:30 in the morning I'm sitting in at the computer butt naked looking for skunk smell remedies...) I mixed white vinegar, baking soda and Dawn, and it took the scent away almost right away, but as soon as her fur dried the smell came back. The other optional ingredient was hydrogen peroxide instead of white vinegar, and Mr. G called me a few minutes ago and said hydrogen peroxide works much better than the white vinegar.
Well, dang. Now he tells me.
When I'm at work.
And Holly's at home.
Stinking up the place.
I would like to say that I'm SURE she's learned her lesson, but our last dog got
sprayed FOUR TIMES in one summer before she learned not to chase the black "cats" with the white stripe down their backs.

chin up!

If I've learned one thing about Mushy, it's that he *LOVES* cats............batter dipped and lightly browned apparently.

But he's going in for surgery Friday so....

<--Good luck and hope you're feeling better soon, Mushy!!

I also hope your Blogging shoulder isn't!

Thursday, February 22, 2007


Stephen Colbert, talking about Congressman Zach Space's 18th district in Ohio: "...and it's home to a Cornhole Tournament. What is a 'cornhole tournament,' you ask? Let's just say it's a cross between horseshoes and sodomy."

i'm on my way to the city lights

I was watching CNN this morning and they were celebrating Black History Month.
They said they had a link on their website where you could talk about what it's like to be black in America. So I went to the link and began talking about what it's like to be black, and half way through my piece, I thought, "Oooo, wait a minute. I'm white." So I looked around for the "What it's like to be white in America" link, but there wasn't one. Guess I just have to wait for White History Month. When is that, btw?

Talked to Mike South's mom and there's good news/bad news: good news is he'll be
Bedazzling™ jeans in no time. Bad news is the Bedazzler™ hasn't been yanked off the market yet....
And let me just say that if you're REALLY South's friend, you will arrange for some burly gay guy to go to the hospital and give him a sponge bath.
He doesn't even have to be a nurse. Just saying is all.

The music on the way to work this morning was fantastic! I was listening to the oldies station and they played "Mellow Yellow," then "Boogie Shoes, then "Sweet City Woman." Just when I'm thinking that they're on a ROLL, they play "Anticipation." Sigh.

I've been listening to some of the hearing for Anna Nicole Smith's remains, and I have to say I hope
the judge lets them bury her body in the Bahamas with her son.
ANS made it perfectly clear she wanted nothing to do with her mother on several occasions,
and several members of her hometown came right out and said they weren't proud to have her call their town "home".
I do NOT like the judge presiding in this case. He keeps breaking in and asking his own questions,
and is making commentary every two minutes instead of allowing the attorneys to do the questioning.
He seems a bit star struck if you ask me, and he's getting into all sorts of bullshit that doesn't even seem relevant.
I can't believe though that Stern said he discussed with Entertainment Tonight that
IF the funeral was televised all PROCEEDS would go to Dannilynn.
PROCEEDS from a freaking funeral?!
That's disgusting. Is there anything these ghouls WON'T sell?

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

when darkness turns to light

South's mom said he's doing well after six hours of surgery...yikes! She said they expect to get him up and walking tomorrow and they think they'll be kicking his ass out the hospital door Saturday or Sunday. Then she said she was going shopping for his Bedazzler™...

I was flipping channels this afternoon looking for an episode of COPS *somewhere* and I came across "Clean House," which features Niecy Nash, the chick who plays Raneesha on Reno 911. I guess she comes in with a team and organizes people's messes. There was a cop, Sgt. Mark Nagao on one of the segments and he had a HUGE Beanie Baby collection, as well as other stuffed animals. He was insistent that the animals remain because they offered "protection." How in God's name is he going to live THAT down with his fellow officers?!
When the woman was trying to negotiate with him to get rid of them, she said, "You are, you know, over 12."
I felt bad when the guy had to part with some of his HUGE Harley t shirt collection. He was actually crying about it. He said his dad would go on trips and buy him a t shirt.
But I kept thinking how great it would be if he passed those t shirts out to kids who didn't have much. What a difference it would make in accepting that they had to go.
As I'm watching this show, I'm struck once again at how beautiful Niecy Nash is. I can't figure out why she looks so HUGE at times. Like in the stills from the movie, her thighs look huge.
In her Reno uniform, her ass looks bigger than a barn at times. But when I see her on other shows, such as this one, she's not the least bit chunky.

I don't understand what I'm reading about Anna Nicole's will. I read that she stated in her
will that she was deliberately excluding other children she might have and leaving everything to Daniel.
First of all, I don't understand that at all. Why wouldn't your daughter also be your heir? But secondly, when Daniel died, why didn't she change the will to include her daughter? Stern was a lawyer, for Pete freaking sake. He had to know the huge legal mess that would entail without a legit will in place. I loved ANS's mother, who walked into the courtroom hanging onto the duty belt of the deputy in front of her.

I heard on the news that Merck was "quietly lobbying" for a law that would make it mandatory for a girl to have their cervical cancer vaccine or they could not attend school. Pretty damn clever on Merck's part. Imagine the revenue if EVERY girl entering the 6th grade HAD to have the vaccine. Bravo to parents and doctors who spoke out against this. Merck has agreed to back off. My guess is that means they're backing off "publicly" lobbying for it. They have way too much $ to lose to back off all together.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007


<--Jen sent me this pic and I think it's adorable!

you're not the boss of me now

What a joke. WWE founder Vince McMahon has a bet with Donald Trump concerning the upcoming Wrestlemania 23.
Each will pick a wrestler to represent them in the ring, and the loser must get his head shaved. If people haven't figured out by now
that wrestling outcomes are decided in advance, I've got some oceanfront property in Pennsylvania to sell.

Wow. What a difference a day makes. Sunday night when we went for a walk it was a screaming 13° and wiiiideee. Monday night it was 35° and calm. Today it's a downright balmy 45°.

Wow. She *is* psychic! Overtime Hawg got the days of the funeral correct last week,
even though they hadn't "pulled the plug," as she so lovingly put it, until Saturday.

The Committee on Military Spending is now opening a two year study to determine where
$12 BILLION U.S. dollars disappeared in Iraq. Their excuse? Iraquis have lousy accounting practices and it was "wasted through inefficiency." First they talked about how the money got to Iraq, keeping in mind it was $12 billion CASH to kickstart their postwar economy.
"The Fed Reserve bank in NY had to pack individual bills including more than 107 $100 bills onto wooden pallets to be shipped to Iraq."
The money was then made into "bricks" equaling $400k each and put onto a C 1 Cargo plane. Kind of ironic that after all this careful planning, they just so happen to lose all the money once it gets to Iraq.
My favorite comment was from Rep. Darrell Issa, who is apparently floating in money, "I might also like to put it into perspective for the committee
what $12 billion dollars is. It certainly seems like a lot of money when you put it into $100 bills and put it on forklifts."
F that, Darrell. It seems like a lot of money sitting in my bank account, too. What an ass. Another Republican tried to point out that there was a lot of wasteful spending in FDR's term, also. Well, that really makes it ok.

If it's true that the salon where Brit whacked off her hair is auctioning it off on eBay, the owners are disgusting.
They said they will "probably" auction it off for charity. Meaning they're "probably" going to wait and see what the public reaction to this news is.
They should show some class and donate that hair to the organization that makes wigs for cancer patients. Bugs informed me that ebay has yanked this and the salon started their own website, which includes an email address. So I emailed them and said this very thing, that if they had any class, they'd donate that hair to wigs for cancer patients.

Lordy, I *hate* dealing with the Verizon tech support monkeys. I was having trouble logging onto the
internet on Sunday, so I called tech support and a recorded message said the internet was down in my area.
At that point, the DSL light was steady green and the internet light was red.
A short time later the DSL light was blinking green and the internet light was out.
The last time I had a problem with it, the chick told me that a blinking DSL light meant a hardware problem with the jacks or the phone.
So I called Verizon and got a non-English speaking tech support person, of course. The very first thing I said to him was that the DSL light on my modem was blinking, but that there was an outage in my area, I wasn't sure the internet was back on and could that light be blinking because of it? He said, "Ma'am, you can't connect to the internet because there's a hardware problem, that's why the light is blinking." I said, "There's an outage in *name of my city* could that be why it's blinking?" He totally ignores me and says, "Let me put you through some tests." Ok, now FOUR TIMES during this conversation I told him about the outage and asked if the internet was back on in my area yet.
He puts me through all these asshole tests, then he tells me that he's putting in an open ticket, blah blah, the tech guys will be calling me to schedule an appointment to come out to the house. So for the FIFTH and final time, I said, "Ok, I'm going to ask you this ONE MORE TIME, could this have anything to do with the internet outage that's currently going on in my area?" He says, "Let me check, " and once again disappears for five or six minutes. Then he comes on and says, "Ma'am, there's an outage in your area, and you're affected by it. That's why the DSL light is blinking. Because your internet service has been disrupted." At that point, let me just say that it's a good thing my mother taught me some manners or I would have blistered his ear with my swearing. I said, "SIR. I asked you THAT VERY QUESTION when we began this conversation. Did you not hear me?" He said, "Oh, I'm sorry, I just got the updated information," which means NOTHING. You know, sometimes I wonder: if I have a hella hard time understanding someone with an Indian accent, do they have a hella hard time understanding ME?!

Monday, February 19, 2007

hair today, greedy tomorrow

If it's true that the salon where Brit whacked off her hair is auctioning it off on eBay, the owners are disgusting. They say they will "probably" auction it off for charity, meaning they'll probably wait and see what the public reaction will be to them selling it.

They should show some class and donate that hair to the organization that makes wigs for cancer patients.

Good idea, bad idea

I used to love these Good Ideas when they ran on the Animaniacs. Here's one of my favorites...

as far as i'm concerned you're just another picture to burn

<--Goddess' Current Mood

Guess South will be headed to surgery this week. Because I worry so much about him--hey, I do! Many is the night I've tossed and turned, tossed and turned. Then I cut back on my caffiene consumption, started taking melatonin and drinking a shot of whiskey every night, and now I sleep like a drunken baby. Wait, where was I going with that again? Eh, whatever. The point is I have written a Top Ten list for South.

10. Con nurses into doing free bukkakes by telling them he'll make them "stars."
9. Two words: acting lessons.
8. Finally. Enough free time to see if the Nick Manning Penis Pump lives up to it's reputation.
7. Peruse the net for pictures of hott cops for my site.
6. Update his own site DAILY. Whoa. New concept.
5. Negotiate with CEO of hospital to put stickers on all bedpans and pee bottles.
4. Work on becoming even more humble than he already is.
3. Sit on the front porch and chuck porn videos at passing Christian Conservatives.
2. Work on his AVN Hall of Fame acceptance speech.
(I wouldn't waste a lot of time on this one if I was him.)
And the Number One thing Mike South can do to pass the time while recouperating from surgery.....
1. Bedazzle™ his jeans!

DSL outage in my area a good bit of Sunday. UGH!!
I was forced to spend the day watching the offspring clean and do laundry.
That was really hard work. For me. To watch.

I love this. You should all know about the 2111 Peter Pan recall by now, but what a lot of
you might not know is that PP uses the lot number 2111 on ALL their peanut butters and has for a long time.
In other words, you could pull a jar of PP off your shelf that you bought two years ago and it would start with 2111.
Anywho, one of the Dollar Generals near me has found a unique way to deal with the PP problem. Instead of taking it all off the shelf,
they put it on a reduced rack.

I jumped into bed with Mr. G yesterday afternoon to cuddle, straight from the shower.
He said, "Cuddling with you is like cuddling a fruit and veggie salad."
I'm like, "Whaaa?"
He said, "I never know what you're going to smell like. Strawberry? Apricot? Grape koolaid? Watermelon? And now you smell like cucumbers."
For the record the "grape kool aid" is actually kiwi body butter. I don't know why he thinks it smells like grape.
I've always loved the fruit smells over any sort of fancy perfumes because they all end up smelling like rubbing alcohol to me, especially Avon stuff.
I said, "Be prepared for my new lotion: coconut sorbet." Yummy. Smells like Pina Coladas.

Female Offspring #6 came running into the living room with the Petco ad last night. She said, "Look, Mom! Petco is having a Spring Fashion Show and it says 'all pets welcome!'. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
I said, "If the word 'disaster' is anywhere in your thoughts, then yes, I'm thinking what you're thinking."
"Mom, it says 'all pets'. That includes Holly."
"Really? And what about the fact that we're legally barred from stepping foot on the premesis? Does it say anything about *that* in the ad?"

Saturday, February 17, 2007

doesn't get bigger, huh?

<---Ron, you lied to me!

do a little dance, make a little love

GarooooTEED to put you in a good mood. The costumes the band are wearing alone are good for a laugh...

i'm gonna turn and leave you here

<-- Goddess's Current Mood

I wanna be a boxing referee. How many instances in your lifetime do you ever
get to utter the immortal words, "Gentlemen, obey my commands at all times"?
And then you get to disqualify them if they don't. Good times. Good times.

Some days I swear I need my head examined. I was looking at my Booger page yesterday and they mentioned some new "widgets" you could add to your page. So I spent a lousy hour and a half trying to add a "feed burner" and I don't even know WHAT THE HELL IT IS! Or why I feel the need to have one. Guh. I finally gave up and went to bed. Do I REALLY need to know this? I think not.

I don't get it. I wanted to buy a book that is currently being published and
sold for $14.97. I used to compare prices. This very book is being sold for $33.97 on I don't understand how $34 can be half of $15, any more than I understand why Britney Spears shaved her head...

Friday, February 16, 2007

<---Goddess's current mood

Direct TV is on the ball. Today they sent me a letter asking me to purchase Direct TV, another letter asking Mr. G to purchase Direct TV AND another letter to Mr. G thanking him for recently puchasing Direct TV.

I know I'm always panning my Kia, but I have to give credit where credit is due.
The other morning we had snow, then ice, then snow again. They didn't plow our street
so I had a nice thick heavy layer of despair to drive through. Mr. G put studs on my Rio and that baby tore right on up the street. I was watching the local news and I'm amazed by the fact that of the four or five single vehicle accidents they showed, they were ALL roll overs involving SUV's or trucks.

I'm wondering how much Howard K Stern is squeezing out of Entertainment Toinght to follow him around in the Bahamas, now that he's returned home? First I read ANS & HKS sold their private "wedding" photos for over a million, then ANS sold her son's last pics for over $500k, so I'm sure he's not above selling video of ANS's daughter. It's sad what some people will do for money.

I slept with Mr. G the other night because it was so damn cold.
I had Holly at my feet snoring her head off and Mr. G beside me snoring his head off.
Loud snoring in stereo. It was a nightmare. I'd give her a push and him a smack. Didn't phase either one of them.

IT WORKED!! (see paragraph below) Holly slept like a baby until 11:30!

I'm writing this paragraph Thursday night. I'm going to trick Holly in the morning and I'll let you know how it goes.
Every FREAKING day I work, she sleeps on my bed, refusing to go outside and pee before I
leave for work. BUT the minute I'm off, she's up barking at the door to go out at 7:30. So I'm going
to set my alarm on Friday as per usual, and instead of hitting the snooze 50 times like I usually
do when I'm working, I'll just roll over and go back to sleep. She'll think I'm working
because of the alarm and go into canine coma mode. At least that's what I'm hoping.

Speaking of dogs and peeing, it's a good thing no neighbors live behind us.
It was freezing last night and I opened the door to let Holly out to pee and she started zooming all over the backyard.
I stuck my head out the door and yelled, "Hurry up and PEE!" about five times before she finally complied.
About the third time I did it, I thought, "Good thing nobody can hear me or they'd think I was nuts."

Ooooo, hottie Tito Ortiz is going to be on Numbers tonight. Too bad I don't watch that show...

Thursday, February 15, 2007

walking in a winter wonderland

It's three degrees here today, kids! Break out the grill!

Stephen Colbert, discussing how the elderly are having more sex, due to the rise in Viagra use and hormone therapy,
"Seniors, keep it in your pants. It should be easy. They're up around your neck."

Have you see the new exercise craze from Billy Blanks, Jr.? I guess a better question would be 'did you know there WAS a Billy Blanks, Jr.'?
If you're a TaeBo nut like I am, you'll know that all we ever hear/see on the vids is Shelly Blanks, with her dad Billy, Sr.
But apparently Junior isn't happy with Dad's exercise program, so he created his own to dispell the myth that working out can't be fun.
WHAAAA? Front kick and a squat till your thighs and ass are screaming isn't FUN???
Junior's invented his own program, called Cardioke™, a combination of Cardio and Karaoke. Oy vey. What's next?
Cardioker, a combination of Cardio and Poker?
BTW, in case there's ANY chance that stupidity
could catch on, I'm now trademarking Cardioker™ for myself.
Anywho, I can't possibly make fun of Cardioke because we all know that the minute I make fun of something: I end up buying it. But seriously if you love dancing and singing, then this is your thing. It just kinda confused me a bit because he seemed to be adding the moves as he was going along, which looked hella hard to remember. I guess with a follow along DVD it wouldn't be so bad though.
Oh, guess what?! I BOUGHT THE BEAN!!
To date, this is my favorite exercise.

I call it "Mommy's had a liquid lunch." You'll notice I'm practicing this pose in the picture at the top of my site.

Jeff Foxworthy has a new show coming up on FOX that sounds rather fun. It's called, "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?"
Adults are asked questions from elementary school textbooks. Oh, this should be interesting,
especially in light of some of the responses Jay Leno gets when he has his 'man on the street' segments.
One I saw the other night, he asked who the President was during the Civil War and the chick said, "George Washington."
FOX won the right to air the show during a competition with other networks, and rightly so.
Their president, Peter Liguori, was the only one who knew the answer to all six questions.

i will remember you

I calculated the years yesterday and it's hard for me to believe my younger sister has been gone for eight years now.

I can still recall that awful time as if it were happening now. She had a stroke and began having seizures. I remember the doctors telling us that each seizure caused damage, and the longer they went on, the more bleak the outcome. Her seizures lasted two days, but I knew she was gone long before that time.

I can remember walking into the ICU, and seeing her, and sobbing my heart out. It was nothing that I ever expected to see, and nothing I ever want to witness again. I can remember dreaming of her for weeks and crying in my dreams, feeling that pain in my chest and throat as if I were experiencing it awake. I remember the dreams changing and she would come to me and hug me really hard, and I would get to tell her I loved her one more time. I remember that in my dreams she didn't have Downs Syndrome.

Shortly after she died, I was having lunch at a restaurant with my husband, and a young man with Downs came into the restaurant. I looked at him and my throat started to ache with unshed tears. It was a long time before I could think of her and not cry, think of her and remember all the joy she brought everyone, all the fun things we did together as kids.

I will remember everything you taught me about life and loving and acceptance.
I will remember you.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

bear with me

Overtime Hawg called me yesterday and told me that her husband
would be over to shovel the sidewalks for me at work. I'm like, "WTF? Her old man is in his SEVENTIES!
What kind of an ASS would I be to sit here and let him do MY work when I'm younger and healthier?"
Not like shoveling the sidewalks is going to kill me.
Wow. Wonder how many people have uttered those immortal words seconds before they were hit with a massive heart attack?
I said, "No, I can do it myself. I don't want him coming out in this weather and there's no reason I can't do it myself."
Especially considering I'm 30 years younger than he is! Before I even have a chance to ponder
why she's suddenly being so generous, she informed me that her sister-in-law is going to die next week, so she'll need me to work for her a couple days.
Nice to know she wanted to do something for me out of the goodness of her heart, and not because she was trying to butter me up to hit me up for yet another fucking favor.
She said she's in a hospital in Pittsburgh, brain dead as of yesterday (the S-i-S, not OT) and they're removing the life support.
She reiterated about 8 times that the funeral would be next week. NOT this week.
Interesting sidenote: this is the same sister who has been dying since Christmas 2005.
Now I'm going to sit her and wonder how she knows exactly when someone is going to die....

I was watching a show on Animal Planet the other day about the first year of Tai Shan, a panda at the National Zoo in Washington.
At one point, it showed his mother lying on her back, eating a huge fruitsicle.
The panda was about 7 or 8 months old at that time and he was crouched near her foot.
When he saw the fruitsicle and began to climb towards it, his mother batted him away gently,
but persistently with her foot. The woman who was caring for the bears said pandas are notoriously stingy
when it comes to their treats, even with their offspring. This made me think that maybe I was
a panda in a former life. How many times a day do I yell, "Get your own damn whiskey!" to the offspring? Awww, the joys of motherhood.

show me the way to your heart

Following in the footsteps of many companies that I deal with, from now on when you send me an email,
I will acknowledge your email with my email telling you I received your email, and will answer your email in 3-4 business days with my email.

Fireman was the sexiest job in 2006? Women find the possiblity of being burned to a crisp SEXY?! What the hell are they thinking? Go here and vote for policeman, please!
And don't get distracted by "cowboy" or "soldier" like WW did!

Ooooh I love the great winter weather driving advice they gave on the news yesterday. The female reporter was talking about accidents on the snow covered streets. She said, "Sometimes when there's an accident, you'll get diverted to a side street, which might be worse than the main street you just left. When that happens, you run the risk of getting lost if you're not familiar with the street. I asked *name of dude from Penndot* what you should do in those circumstances, and he said, 'don't drive in this kind of weather'."
Well, that just solves the problem for everybody, doesn't it?

Ahhh, our gub'ment in action. Today the members of the House will get 5 minutes to
talk about their feelings on the extra troop deployment to Iraq.
It will change NOTHING, but all 435 of them will have their say.
Lovely. Waste 36.25 hours of the tax payers money for nada. How about spending
those same hours trying to figure out a way to get our troops OUT of Iraq?

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

words o'wisdom

Stephen Colbert, on talking urinal cakes that remind you not to drink and drive, "Listen up, urinal cakes--and that's not the first time I've said that. I already have something that tells me if I'm too drunk if I pee on it. My friends."


Because women were born without
the gene that allows us to come right out and say what we want, I dropped THEE PERFECT Valentine's Day gift hint, and Mr. G totally burned me.
I said, "Honey, I love your Valentine's Day gifts so much that I wanted
to take a picture of this year's gift and post it on my blog.
"Unfortunately," *insert heavy sigh here* "my digital camera that I love and use all the time is broken."
He said, "That's ok. You see one bouquet of flowers, you've seen them all."

Monday, February 12, 2007

i wanna go home

Tina writes, "Hi, Rebecca. New to your site. Do you really live in a trailer?"

People, people, people. Never confuse ME with my alter ego, Goddess. *SHE* lives in a trailer.

<-----I actually live here, in this little chateau in the mountains.

And NO, do NOT email me and ask if you can stay over. I don't have room for guests...

Ahhh, yet another lovely winter storm forecast from our local tv station. The Suhvere Weather Team has decided that we will either get 2-4 inches of snow or 6-10 inches of snow. We also might get freezing rain or we might not. Yay! I might care and I might not.

and the whole world smiles with you

DISH did exactly what I thought they would do. While Court TV is now back on their line-up, it's been bumped up to the second tier of programming.
I am soooo glad I didn't sit around with my thumb up my ass waiting for Court TV to return because I didn't have this higher tier of programming, and I am sooo happy with Direct TV, which offers MANY more channels for just a couple dollars more each month than DISH does.

Samantha Bee, on Lisa Nowak's "space oddity" adventures: "Jon, a lot of women these
days have a problem balancing career and family....with being crazy."

I've mentioned before that I drive through a neighborhood that is well known for it's many "in home pharmacetical businesses." Usually the folks
employ the "red light, green light" system of letting people know when it's safe to buy. And maybe what's available for sale, I don't know. I'm not that drug savvy.
Anyway, they're getting a little more creative now. When I went past the house yesterday, they had a SpongeBob SquarePants hanging from the front door.
This morning, it was a Strawberry Shortcake. Great thinking, guys.
NOBODY is going to notice a HUGE Strawberry Shortcake doll hanging from your front door in the winter.

I know people say "We Built This City" was a huge commercial sell out for Starship, but I love that song, damn it!

The movie "Music and Lyrics" looks stupid, but I love the part of the trailer where Grant and Berrymore are
writing lyrics and she says, "I've been sleeping with a clown above my bed."
Then she says, "That doesn't make sense. Why would you sleep with a clown above your bed?"

Ok, what gives with all these black guys playing chicks in their movies?
Eddie Murphy, Tyler Perry, several of the Wayans and Martin Lawrence have all played black women in their films/on tv.
Is this about creativity or getting in touch with their cross dressing selves?

call 1-800-THISSUCKS now!

You all know I'm a regular domestic Goddess in the kitchen...wherever the hell that's located.
Since Mike South is going to have back surgery, I'm busy whipping up a batch of
his favorite cookies to mail him. Yes, nothing says "I love you" like a splooge cookie.
Ewwwww. Creeps me out every time I look at that link. I will never be able to eat sugar cookies with
icing again....well, without thinking "EWWWW---hey, these are gooooood...."
Stacey, feel free to steal that recipe so you can whip up a batch for your hubby with your new mixer....LOL! It would definitely make a memorable Valentine's Day gift...

My boss's hearing aid isn't working properly and she had the TV on so loudly Sunday that my head hurt.
When my co-worker came in to relieve me, I said, "I could have been assaulted in
the next room and she never would have heard a word."

I was watching some of the Simpsons last night and Marge was feeling depressed because she felt she wasn't doing anything worthwhile.
She was watching "Opal" (Oprah) while doing housework and the topic was "Women who didn't waste their lives being mommies." LOL!
Homer started selling ice cream and Marge was making artwork out of popsicle sticks. She said, "Homer, I'm as hopeful and full of love as I was in
in the years before I met you!"
Later when Homer accidentally destroyed all of her artwork, Homer yelled, "Well, excuse me for having enormous flaws that I don't work on!"

Sunday, February 11, 2007

every time i scratch my nails down someone else's back i hope you feel it

So I was checking online for email valentines and I saw a "crush" category. Puhleeze. They had cards with fuzzy bears and sweet little puppies. Screw that.
<--*These* are great Valentine's Day cards for your "crushee". I sent these to Mike South, before
we came to an "agreement"--I agreed to stop stalking him and he agreed not to call the cops.
Now I stay at his place when he's not home. Wheeeee! It all comes out in the wash. Enjoy!

Saturday, February 10, 2007

stumbling into ecstasy

Bugs and I were emailing back and forth about the strangeness that is going on in the Anna Nicole tragedy.
I was telling her that I listened to ANS's sister (half sister?) Donna Hogan on tv yesterday. While I expected to hear SOMETHING along the lines of
"I'm sorry we never had the chance to make peace," it was more like "every time she acted out publicly, our lives were disrupted." I'm sure it's difficult
when one family member is a celeb and everybody wants to hear about them, I'm sure you would feel invisible.
But I guess I expected a little more sympathy than that.
Her sister said they often had to leave their home for a few weeks at a time when ANS did something "newsworthy" because the media would be camped outside their door.

I've already informed my siblings, all my exes, and my offspring, that if one of them becomes wildly
popular, I'll sell them out to the press in a heartbeat.
Oh, yeah, I'll be that bucktoothed, trailer trash relative that goes on Entertainment Tonight and
says stuff like, "I don't like to tell tales out of school, BUT...pull up a chair and make yourself comfy. We're gonna be here awhile."

I was thinking about my grandma the other day--my dad's mom--and how when I was little I used to think she was rich.
Here's my reasoning: they had a color tv, while we had a black and white. Grandma used to serve us
beans and weenies for lunch, BUT they were not the "homemade" ones like my mom made by slicing a hot dog into baked beans.
Grandma would buy the beans with the weenies already in them. And last but certainly not least, Grandma would always
give us the more expensive oyster crackers with our tomato soup. Nosirree! We didn't have to crumble up those square crackers like po' people did.

i'll tell you what i want what i really really want

Not too much of an update today because I've been busy working on an invention to extract greenhouse gases from the atmosphere. I want to
collect that 25 mill Branson is offering to the person who can reverse global warming.
It still in early stages, but--picture it and DON'T ANYBODY STEAL MY IDEA!!--I'm thinking giant vacuum cleaners.

So my niece informed me that she's dating a pedorthist. I'm like, "Whoa.
Don't they arrest those people on "To Catch a Predator"?"

Today I had a few minutes to burn before work, so I was sitting in the car watching the snow fall.
Tiny little snowflakes landed on my windshield and as I closely inspected the, I thought of that line that "no two snowflakes are alike."
How do we know no two snowflakes are alike? Who has seen them ALL? Personally, I think we're easily misled.
We'll probably find out that God has three different snowflake molds tops.

Friday, February 09, 2007

diving in too deep

Unbelievable. My co-worker, who was off last week, said Overtime Hawg was pissed that she came back to work on Tuesday. Apparently O.H. was counting on making some extra money. Could the woman be any greedier?

Good grief. Now Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband said HE could be the father of Anna Nicole's baby. Ok, so far we have Stern, Birkhead, the dude she was renting her house from in the Bahamas, Ben Thompson, but he supposedly had a vascetomy and now Mr. Zsa Zsa Gabor. Gurl got AROUND. Anna Nicole's sister, Donna Hogan, insists that Stern is NOT the father, but even if he isn't, she feels he is unfit to raise a child. She said that he's not fit to care for the two adults--Smith and her son--let alone a child.
Stern said Anna fell in the bathroom a day or two ago, and reports said valium and another drug were found in the room with Stern's name on the bottle. The creep on the FOX News channel were grilling Donna about whether or not she thought
Stern was giving her drugs and was he responsible for Anna's death.
He was talking about how people around Anna was exploiting her and I kept thinking, "Hello? Pot, you're black, too."
The police department said there was no indication that a crime had occured in Anna's death. And according to the coroner's report this afternoon, Anna had been sick for several days due to an apparent stomach flu. The medical examiner determined that she did NOT die from any blunt force trauma. She had only a minor bruise on her back from the bathroom fall. He said there were only subtle findings in the heart and intestines, and a small amount of blood in the stomach due to shock before death. They did not make a determination in the cause and manner of her death this afternoon, but have to wait for more extensive tests, which would take 3-5 weeks. The toxicology reports are not in yet either, so they have not ruled out drugs. The medical examiner said death could be one of three things: due to natural causes, medication problems, or a combo of the two....which pretty much tells you nothing.

There was a story in this morning's newspaper about a guy in Pittsburgh who put his two year old
daughter outside and left her there to freeze, while the fucker went inside and back to bed.
What the hell is wrong with some people? They said they could see her little footprints in the snow so she obviously had walked around a little bit
but with the temps so cold, she more than likely froze rather quickly.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

goodbye norma jean...and anna nicole

This is really strange. I remember when Anna Nicole married Howard K. Stern, I noted that if she died, now that he was claiming to be her baby's daddy, he would be in charge of whatever money the baby might inherit. Now Anna Nicole has been found dead, and once again, Howard K Stern was present at the scene of another death. Weird. Very weird. I would not want to be in his shoes right about now. Hope he knows the name of a GOOD lawyer.
Bet the family of the old, late millionaire she was married to is breathing a sick sigh of relief that they don't have to give her a penny now.
Anna may have been a ditz but back in her Guess jeans days she was one beautiful woman.
Too bad she couldn't get it together. She always reminded me of Marilyn Monroe.

not in MY neighborhood!

So there I was this morning, sitting in the last pew at church, minding my own business breastfeeding Male Offspring #8.
Some dude slides into the seat beside me. Hello? It's a Thursday morning.
The church isn't exactly overcrowded. He is just like the person who
parked so close to me at Dollar General that I had to wait for them to come out of the store to open
my driver's side door. And the entire frigging parking lot was empty.
Anyway, the guy leans over and says, "How old is that kid?"
Why do people always feel the need to chat in church?
I said, "My son is going to be nine months old next week."
He said, "Why are you still breast feeding if he's that old?"
I said, "Excuse me? Can you not see this is a personal matter between me and my child? That we are bonding on an almost spiritual level?"
He looked at me for a minute then said, "But don't those teeth hurt?"
I said, "Hell, yeah, they hurt. But I don't have to mess with those plastic bottle liners
and rubber nipples. When my son goes off the breast, he's going to be old enough to graduate right to a sippy cup."
Ooooh, I remember the class on feeding your baby at the hospital when I had Female Offspring #1.
I had inadvertently walked into the class for bottle fed babies.
The nurse was talking about how it was very important to sterilize your nipples. I raised my hand and asked, "Well, how do we sterilize our nipples?"
She said, "I find it's best to submerge them in boiling water for at least ten minutes."
I said, "DAMN. That's gonna smart, isn't it?"
She said, "You do realize I'm talking about rubber nipples, right? Not your own."
I rolled my eyes and said, "Well, of course, I know you're talking about the rubber nipples. How stupid do you think I am?"
PHEW! I wasn't looking forward to standing over the stove with my nipples dangling in boiling water, thank you very much.

Check out South on 11 Alive news.

I think city councilwoman Mary Norwood had her thong in a twist at the mere thought of anyone having sex in her neighborhood...LOL!

My favorite line is when Mary says it's in South's best interests to NEVER be seen in her neighborhood again. Lordy, that's like waving a red flag in front of a charging bull....

Oh come on. Look what Richard Freeman wrote to South about his upcoming surgery: "Dear Cap'n,
Let's hope that everything goes well with the surgery - though it's probably a lousy idea to
hire Goddess to come down there to take care of you when you're flat on your back, JFK style. Especially if she brings one of her kids again to wean."

I would make a GREAT nurse. I can see it
There I am sitting on my ass in front
of South's widescreen watching COPS and eating Dove Ice Cream Bars while
Yep, I'm all about caring for others. Bottom line is anytime I've ever taken care of Mr. G, he's always said, "Honey, you're a great head nurse." Emphasis on the word "head".

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

here in the deep purple dream

I was watching Real Stories of the Highway Patrol this morning and the cop stopped a
woman for weaving. He fined her a mere $34 and gave her a written citation for another problem. As she drove away she said, "I hope you get shot." Damn. People are ignorant.
She's probably one of those assholes who are the first ones crying for a cop when something goes wrong.

Things are really slow during my shifts at the rendering plants these days.
All this icy cold weather keeps the road kill in hibernation.

I decided to have a hard boiled egg last night. I walked over to the garbage can so I could shell it
right into the trash and there was Stupid Cat sleeping in the waste basket.
Was she aptly named or what?

I was watching Arrest and Trial this morning. It was the story of child kidnapping/murder case. What interested me was the fact that they found that the guy who killed her had a rented storage shed. They discovered this when they went through his checkbook entries.
HA! They'd never be able to find evidence against ME by reading my checkbook entries. I can't even read half of them and I *write* them! Or should I say "scribbled them"?
The majority of entries in my checkbook read "stuff" or "bills". I deliberately keep them case I'm ever accused of murder. Or overspending.

One feature of Direct TV that I like is the satellite radio stations. I like the decades stations, and
mostly I listen to the 50's, 60's and 70's. It takes me back to my Casey Kasem days. I used to listen in the basement every Sunday evening to Casey's American Top 40 countdown show. I'd also sing each song and the fabulous thing was that I sounded like every one of the singers.
If I was singing, "Riders on the Storm," I sounded exactly like Jim Morrison. If I was singing, "Love Is Here," I sounded like Diana, Flo AND Mary.
I was multi-talented. I could sing main vocals and all the back ups at the same time. I could even do accents! And if I don't know the words, I don't let that stop me from singing along. Yay! I'm fun to be around.
For instance, I could sound exactly like Davey Jones if I wanted.
(Davey Jones of the Monkees. Not from the pirate ship....)
And Bobbie Gentry while singing one of my favorite songs, "Ode to Billy Joe." Anybody know the flipside to that song? I do. It was "Mississippi." It went something like this, "M I double S I double S I double P I."
A singing lesson AND a spelling lesson rolled up into one. Apparently her songs were the precursors to Fergie's crap today.
Hard to believe I never became a singer.
Maybe it's because my voice sucks.

I'm really liking LAPD:Life on the Beat. The people of L.A. are much mouthier than those on COPS.
On today's ep, the cops knocked on a woman's door, and the lady said, "Come on in, mother fuckers!"
She said, "I didn't call the police. Yeah, I called the police because I'm sick of you mother fuckers
coming in my house when I'm not home." Then, "I'm ok, now get the fuck out."
The cop said, "Can you do me one favor?" And she screamed, "No! I don't do favors." LOL!
Dude backed right off.
Interestingly enough, her name was Sybil.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

hey now you're an all star

Anybody else finding the NASA love triangle way more interesting than the space program?
Apparently one female astronaut went after another female because she thought she was after her man--a male astronaut.
Who knew astronauts were so sexed up? I thought they were so focused on walking on da moon that they didn't have time to deal with their urges.
Lisa Nowak, who served on the International Space Station last year, traveled 900 miles--wearing a diaper so she wouldn't
have to make unnecessary stops--to meet the woman as she departed from her flight.
She pepper sprayed her and was going to kidnap her, but was arrested. Good thing Nowak wasn't behind the wheel of the space shuttle when she found out about this alleged romantic competition. She might have steered them all into a ditch....or a neighboring solar system.
But now this whole story has me thinking: wearing diapers so you don't have to stop at public restrooms. Hmmmm, the lazier I get, the more intriguing that sounds.

Damn it. My EasyBake Oven has--I mean, the kid's Easy Bake Oven--has been recalled because some kids are burning themselves when their fingers get caught in the oven door. Well, that's what ya get when you try to eat the stuff before it's fully baked! What is wrong with these kids? Even I know that you should bypass the baking stage completely and eat the batter raw.

lie back and sleep

Because I hate it when the butter rips my toast apart, I try to soften my butter in the microwave
every morning. I start with ten seconds, then add a second or two each time.
It goes something like this: hard, hard, hard, I could drink it, it's so soupy.

I free efiled my tax returns yesterday, but I think I had a tiny goof.
I hope it doesn't mess me up too much.
I think I added the same interest twice and it was a fairly good amount,
so I'm hoping they catch it. They usually do. Since this was the first time I filled out the form,
I was a little confused by interest and annunities.

Bush said he doesn't have "all the facts" to make a decision about global warming.
Sure. NOW he worries about facts...

I was in the bathroom reading my morning Bible story, and it concerned the parable of the loaves and fishes.
Everytime I read this story, I think, "how come only one dude had the good sense to brown bag it?"

Speaking of the Bible, when I forgot Male Offspring #7 at the drug store yesterday, I was all
prepared to deal with the cop, thanks to those annoying "Bible CD's" Male Offspring #5 bought me.
I could tell the cop was ready to rip me a new one for being so forgetful and I said, "Officer,
I seem to remember another mother, who long ago misplaced her child for THREE DAYS. And He's the Savior of the World!"
Hell, I'm lucky my kids can bathe themselves.

Well, this is lovely. I bought 14k gold ball earrings so that I could put them in my ears and forget about them.
I don't like to fuss with my earrings.
One of the earrings kept bothering me at night when I'd lay on it. I checked it the other day
and discovered that the earring back is IN my earlobe, and I have no idea how to get it out.
I took the earring and tried to push the back out through the back of my earlobe,
but I think I actually dislodged it to somewhere else inside the lobe.
The earring backs are so damn tiny that every time my chiropractor would work on my neck, he'd end up with one or two of them in his hand.
I'm putting salve on it and best case scenario, the hole will heal up with the back inside of it.

Once again the advertising agency that puts out the Happy Cow ads has another winner on it's hands.
This new ad features the cows singing a song to the tune of "Green Acres." It's great.

Monday, February 05, 2007

what it feels like to be me

Well, I went to the store today to buy Mr. G's Valentine's Day gift and I picked up one of those new Dove Milk Chocolate bars with ALMONDS. Guess what it had in it, Booger McSnotty?
HUGE NUTS. Nuts the size of Hilary Clinton's balls, they were *that* big.
They were so big I had to suck on them, suck on them, and then suck some more till they softened.

The temp this morning was a frost 39.8° INside and a lovely 2° OUTside.
I think that was the coldest it's ever been in here. At least that's what
I gleaned from the length of the icicles hanging from my nipples.

Congrats to the Colts, and may I say those were some of the most boring Super Bowl commercials I've ever seen, especially in the first half of the game.
And why was Prince wearing that Aunt Jemima rag on the top of his head? He looked ridiculous.
I like the Jessica Simpson one because she's good at acting unladylike and sexy at the same time; I liked eTrade's one finger commercial
and I loved Chad Johnson's superbowl party with Janet Reno and Martha Stewart.
They should have used both of those ladies more, though.

I was reading a story on one of the police sites I read daily and they were talking about a
WI police chief who wrote himself a $250 ticket for not stopping for a school bus.
Some of the comments the guys wrote were hilarious. One said, "I once caught myself breaking the law and arrested myself for that. It proved to be difficult cuz I ran. When I caught myself, I had to use the pepper spray and tazer before I gave up."
Another one said, "Wonder what happens if he decides to contest the ticket and represent himself in court?" And yet another funny comment was, "Why stop there. He should cite himself for everything he does wrong. Red lights, 1 mile over, Jay Walking, etc. Soon he will have enough cites to become suspended and have to fire himself!"

Sunday, February 04, 2007


A big THANKS to Ron for helping me figure out my Booger photo problems. Ron's probably feeling like a doctor who's always being hassled to dispense free advice right about now....

life comes at you fast

K Fed's Nationwide ad.

I love it.

might as well face it i'm addicted to diet pepsi

I am grateful every day that my diet Pepsi addiction is NOT a sex addiction. If it were, my self talk would go a little something like this:

"When I wake up tomorrow morning. I am going to be STRONG. I am NOT going to go trolling for strange men to have sex with. I am going to remain focused on the changes I want to make in my life. I am NOT going to sleep with men who don't love me and don't care about what makes me happy! I am going to focus on good health and how great I feel about myself not having sex for sex's sake. I am NOT going to fuck strangers, I'm NOT going to fuck strangers, I'm NOT going to fuck strangers..."

Five seconds after I get out of bed, "Hey, stranger! Wanna fuck?"


wipe the shit from your shoes

So how do you like my new template? That's me in a drunken stupor....
Hey, it's a tough job taking care of 16 kids!

When I woke up this morning it was a cool 43°...
But at least I can breathe easy! When I worked nights, the boss has the temp set at 65° and by morning, the inside of my nose is so dry I can hardly breathe.

Ahhh you gotta love small town newspapers. This morning's edition is filled with
stories of people torn between rooting for the Bears and the Colts. Really thought provoking stuff.
And since Jack Ham is no longer a player, and Haselrig is probably incarcerated
somewhere--Lord knows the poor guy keeps trying-- they have to drag out
the lone pro football player with ties to our area, Chris Villarrial, even though he currently plays for the Buffalo Bills.
At one time he played for the Bears, so that's good enough reason to slap him on the front page.
I love these sorts of stories almost as much as I love the stories where they tell us how
to drive in the winter and dress for cold weather, like we're complete

I was listening to a couple of my favorite CD's yesterday. Vertical Horizon's "Everything You Want" and
Oasis "(What's the Story) Morning Glory." There's not a bad song on either one of those CD's.
And even though Morning Glory is over ten years old, the songs still rock.

Further proof that some priests are on power trips and have lost their freaking minds: a couple in PA withheld
a donation to their church and instead sent a note protesting the closing of a Catholic high school. The priest
SUSPENDED their membership, despite the fact that they belonged to the parish for 50 years, saying, "You raise your hand to
strike at the parish that has nourished your faith for years. That says volumes." He says the suspension
will stay "as long as you willfully seek to harm *name of church* by your non support." It's bad enough that the
Church has overstepped it's bounds and told people from the pulpit who to vote for, but now giving your
opinion is tantamount to harming a church?! What bullshit. The couple have already registered at another
parish. Good for them. I heard a very George Bushlike "your either with us or you're against us" echoing in my head as I read their story.

Mr. G and I noted that we know all the names of the neighborhood pets.
The funny thing is we don't know all the owner's names. When we're walking, it's like "Hey, Buttons!"
and "Hi, Peanut!" and "What's up, Stinky?" (I love that name.)
Last night when we were walking in the 10° temps with "blowing and drifting snow,"
Mr. G said, "Wow. This really thins out the walking crowd, doesn't it?"
I said, "Yeah, the only ones out walking tonight are the stupid people."
Can ya tell I really didn't want to go?

Saturday, February 03, 2007

uh oh the shit's gonna hit it

Mushy sent me this link. Wait till Mr. G sees it!

When he was a little boy, this was his favorite toy.
Combine this with the fact that his mother also gave away all his beloved baseball cards-some of
which were rookie cards and worth a lot of moola today--the poor guy might go right over the edge.

So remember how I was psyched about being able to see COPS reruns on the Fox Reality Channel, too? Well, I kept checking their schedule and I couldn't find it, so I finally emailed the station to ask when the show was on. They said, " COPS is no longer being shown on Fox Reality. We will be taking down its show page from our site shortly.
Thanks for your interest in Fox Reality! Be sure to catch all-new
episodes of our hot new shows, "Rob & Amber: Against The Odds" and "Camp
Rob and Amber instead of COPS? Are you kidding me? I don't even know who the FARK Rob and Amber ARE. Nor do I care since neither one of them are hott cops! (Couldn't resist...)
Fox Reality seriously needs to think about adding more shows to their lineup. That stupid Rob & Amber show is on TWELVE TIMES in a 24 hour period. The only good thing about this station is that they DO run
"Real Stories of the Highway Patrol" and "LAPD: Life on the Beat," which is an LAPD version of COPS.

how could this ever happen this unexpected blur

Last night before I went to bed, I gave Holly a lecture on sleeping in. I told her that I had
had a looong ass week, and under NO CIRCUMSTANCES was she to get up at 7:30 or 8:00 to "play".
Well, it's noon and she's STILL sound asleep. The only problem is I've been up since 8:00
when some guy called here long distance looking for his long lost gf.
He said, "I'm looking for Brenda SoandSo." Now the only thing I had in common with this chick
was the fact that her last name had six of the same letters as mine. Too bad they weren't in the SAME ORDER.
And when I asked him why he was calling
here if he was looking for someone with that last name, he said, "Well, your name sounded close to hers."
I said, " 'Close' only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades. Have a nice day." Too damn bad he screwed with mine.

I saw the Federline Superbowl commercial. Probably the only worthwhile thing the guy has ever done.
It's one of those "life comes at you fast" commercials. Federline is rapping and riding in a limo with chicks and
then you see him in a fast food restaurant and his boss says, "Federline! Fries!" and then the 'Life comes at you fast' line.

Sad news, kids. Andrew Dice Clay is coming out of retirement, proving once again, that all good things must come to an end.

It's funny how something real works it's way into your dreams. I was having some goofy dream about being at my sister's house,
and while we were there the alarm clock went off. My sister was doing different things and basically ignoring it. I said to my niece, "Why doesn't she shut that off?"
She said, "Oh, that's Brian's alarm clock," and my sister walked over and smacked it two or three times, but it kept beeping.
We went into the living room to get away from it, but it kept beeping no matter what room of the house we were in. I woke up and realized my alarm
had accidentally been set, and it had been beeping for the last five minutes. No WONDER my sister didn't turn it off!

Wouldn't it be nice if a woman's body was her own and she had the right to do with it what she wanted?
The governor of Texas, Rick Perry, has made it MANDATORY for every teen in
grades 11 & 12 to get vaccinated against the sexually transmitted virus that causes cervical cancer.
Why does this bother me? Because the vaccine is NEW, meaning we have no idea what the REAL, HONEST side effects are.
I find it so interesting that Merck, who manufactures the vaccine has doubled it's lobbying budget in Texas, and now they're bankrolling
efforts to pass this law in ALL states. Another shining example of our government caring about it's people.
It will generate BILLIONS for Merck, and the vaccine costs $360. If they're sincerely
worried about women getting cancer, why are they making the price so outrageous, you might ask? Cuz they don't give a fuck!
To date, the vaccine only protects against 70% of potential cervical cancer cases, so women will
have to continue getting Pap smears for the disease even if they take the vaccine.
This country might as well be run by the pharamaceutical companies and the oil companies. Oh, wait. It is. My bad.
If this involved my child, I would want them to think LONG and HARD about taking a vaccine
like this, but most of all, I would want them to have the final say, not the government.
And certainly not some MAN who doesn't even have a cervix.

So I watched some of the Today Show interview with Matt Lauer and that beauty queen
chick, Tara Whatsherface. If I hear the phrase "you came from a small town" ONE MORE FREAKING TIME!!
So WHAT if she came from a small town? Does every chick who comes from a small town
turn into a drug using alcoholic when they arrive in Fameville, USA? I mean if that were the case,
Britney Spears would be an out of control--never mind.
Seriously though, they need to stop equating her drug/alcohol problems with her small town life.
They arise from a problem within HER, not within her city limits. Granted things are very different when you are thrust into the spotlight,
but if you have your feet firmly on the ground to begin with, you don't have to rely on drugs and alcohol.

Friday, February 02, 2007

finally friday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Some days it doesn't pay to get out of bed.

Tim and Felicia's latest possible baby name is Harlan Ellison. I like that name.
I like Harlan Ellis a bit better, though. I wanted to have twin boys and name them Zachary and Zebedy.

Up on Gobbler's Knob--no sex jokes, please-- disgruntled FAUX Punxsutawney Phil did NOT see his shadow, so there will be an early spring in PA.
Could they have drawn it out any longer than they did? UGH. They intro'ed every doggone person on the dais,
and said, "Are you ready?" to the crowd about 500 times. BTW, that was NOT the same Punxy Phil they had last year. This one looked like a baby.
In keeping with tradition, though, the groundhog did piss all over the handler, and RIGHTLY SO! I'd piss all over them, too, if they yanked me out of a nice warm sleep.

Speaking of me, I decided to run for President. Hell, why not? Everyone else is. Then I realized I'd have to leave the trailer and quickly withdrew my application and went back to bed.

Is the truth always the best? There's a scandal currently playing out in San Francisco that is the direct result of
a woman confessing to an affair that happened in January 2005. San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom,
who btw, is incredibly hott but that doesn't give him an excuse for being a skank, has been accused of having
an affair with his friend/campaign manager's wife. Ruby Rippek-Tourek confessed as part
of her rehab program, and the mayor says the allegations are true.
Now several people have been hurt by
this revelation, and I have to wonder, if telling the truth is always a smart idea, even when it's part of your rehab?
It's really interesting, too, to read comments like "as long as he does his job, I don't care what he does in private."
Cheating and sneaking around behind a friend's back shows a decided lack of morals, and
people are naive enough to think this dishonesty won't carry over into other areas of the man's life? Puhleeze.

There was an article on MSN about women breastfeeding in public. I don't get why some people are so
offended by it, but I believe the author of the piece who says that women are usually the most critical of all.
Personally, I think it should be a private thing, but when your baby is hungry, your baby is hungry.
Which would you rather have near you: a screaming baby or a well fed baby?
If it were me, I'd more than likely use a rest room to breastfeed, but when you're on an airplane or some public place, you
should be permitted to breast feed without being hassled. It amuses me that people see
no problem with women exposing their breasts on tv or in magazines, but attach a
baby's mouth to that same breast and they're outraged at the indecency of it all.
Watching a woman breast feed is like watching tv: if you don't like what you see, nobody's forcing you to watch.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

i got the wedding bell blues

February is Black History Month, so today we'll be discussing my favorite black person: the guy who is dating my cousin.
I am always at the top of my mother's (and various aunts) shit list, but because
of this guy, his blackness and my mother's predjuices, my cousin has rocketed right to the top of the shit list. Hell, I was knocked off the list so fast and so hard, my ass is bruised.
**Keeping my fingers crossed they marrrr reeee...**

American dollars at work: the gub'ment spent $40 million to build a new police academy in Iraq that is now falling apart.
Florida spent $90k a MONTH to store ice to be dispensed during hurricanes,
then ended up giving it away and melted the majority of it to refill a lake.

As you well know, Mr. G is not a fan of visitors. Especially visitors of the "I was in the neighborhood and thought I'd drop in without calling" variety." So everytime I buy something with the word "welcome" on it, he has issues with it. I bought a really cute Valentine's Day welcome mat. It was two connecting hearts and it said, "Love WELCOME Here." As soon as he saw it, Mr. G. said, "Ok, that's gotta go. I don't care about the "love" or the "here," it's the "WELCOME" I object to."

Ok, ladies, if you'd like to be noticed by a police officer--and not have to endure the
pain of a ticket or an arrest--here's yet another foolproof method of doing so.
(Remember my first one was loosen the light bulbs in your rear lights?)
Get yourself a MySpace account. Then take videos of yourself in suggestive poses or skimpy lingerie. After all, it's not your brain you want him to see.
Then place said videos on your MySpace under links labeled "My In Home Pharmaceutical Business," or "Illegal Activities I'm Involved in Around Da Hood," or "Click HERE To See How My Marijuana Plants Are Growing In Front of My Mailbox With My Address Clearly Visible."
Yes, apparently it is just that simple.