Saturday, January 27, 2007

you might be a redneck if....

Bugs sent me this link along with the comment, "What took so long?"
I can't believe America would rather watch Idol than listen to wacko, pampered celebs lecture people about their out of control lives...

It's time for yet another installment of my (not so) weekly feature: "What's Happening in the Enquirer?"
According to Enquirer sources, Matt Lauer hates Meredith Viera *even more* than he hated Katie!
Funny since the Enquirer was either accusing Matt and Katie of hating each other or having an affair on an almost regular basis.
I guess they're bound to get it right sooner or later.
Billy Joel allegedly had his wallet stolen once while a woman in Boston was performing oral sex on him under a piano. Ouch.
He lost his money and his dignity in one money shot.
His marriage to Christie broke up because he couldn't put the kibosh to the groupies, according to a new bio about him.
Unbelievable. You have a gorgeous woman like Christie Brinkley in your bed and you turn to some sleazy, ass ho's.
Brad and Angelina not only want to have another child, they're thinking of having one AND adopting one at the same time so they can reach their goal of 10 kids.
Slow down there, Brad. You have a few years yet before Angelina's eggs become hard boiled.
Not to be outdone, Jennifer Aniston is thinking about adopting TWO children.
Speaking of Jen, she's furious because Courtney Cox talked to Brad at a Hollywood awards show.
Yes, I think she's emotionally mature enough to raise kids.
Here's one of my favorite stories: apparently Whitless has moved in with Brandy's 26 year old brother Ray J. The piece ended with this paragraph:
"It was overwhelming {all that Whitless has gone through recently}, but she got through it and now she feels she has her whole life ahead of her again. Hopefully, Ray J won't disappoint her." Ray J won't disappoint HER?! Um, hello? Who allegedly spent the last few years of their life stoned out of their mind?
Sorry, guys, but apparently Renee Z. is dating Luke Perry because she "adores his lack of ego." Might be a reason he has no ego about himself, Renee.
And last but certainly not least, class act Courtney Love was rejected by eHarmony because
they could not find ANYONE in their nationwide database to match her personality. I'd love to know what the hell she wrote in her profile.
If Courtney wants to attract a man, she might want to remove that stoned, haggard looking image of herself from the top of her website, Moonwashedrose.com.
She has lots of great pics of herself on the site, why represent herself with that mess?
In my Enquirer horrorscope, it told me to "de clutter," which I just did when I feng shui-ed. Then it said, "Give things to charity." Hell, I thought I *was* charity!

Happy Birthday to my Sweetie!!
Thanks for sharing your life with me........along with a gut wrenching case of the flu.
No, I'm *not* going to let you forget.

I'm so pissed at Lurlene. She just showed me the plans for her BBQ/car pad. It will sit directly behind my trailer. I have totally feng shui-ed my trailer, which means releasing all of my clutter. Ergo, all of the appliances in the back yard were moved to the front.
Now the flow of my good Chi is going to be interrupted by the sight of Lurlene's old man in his ratty underwear BBQ'ing his morning roadkill right next to his rusted out Ford. Talk about a reason to start a diet...
Even worse is their redneck parties where everybody stands around balancing a plate, beer and silverware. It's like they've never heard of those newfangled contraptions called "chairs." At their last party, their guests were eating off the hood of Lurlene's truck. One guy was actually eating off of a plate wedged between his chest and the faux wood siding of her trailer. What a laugh, what a laugh, what a mighty good laugh.

Speaking of rednecks, our other neighbor is, this very moment, employing the "Redneck Method of Snow 'Plowing'."
He pulls his truck in and out of his driveway about 50 times. A plowboy wannabe. That's just sad.

Well, it just figures. No wonder Anne Heche has such a great chemistry with her
Men in Trees co-star, James Tupper, the two are reportedly having an affair. Both have ended their marriages recently.
It was hilarious to watch ET put Justine Bateman and the creator of the show on the spot when the asked about the off screen romance.
Justine is like, "Well, you know I'm just trying to do Lynne (her character) and concentrating on that..."
and the creator of the show said, "I'm only concerned with the ONscreen romance."
The bad thing about offscreen romances between stars is that when the relationship goes
south, so does their chemistry on the show, as was the case with Cybill and Bruce.
I love the way ET built this whole thing up by saying that Anne was going to discuss whether or not her affair led to
the breakup of her marriage. They never even ASKED her about the damn affair. They were too busy asking everyone else.

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