Saturday, January 20, 2007

she's got a ticket to ride

{afternoon update}
I have been royally ripped off by a seven year old, and I'm not gonna take it!! This morning one of the neighborhood brats came a knockin' on my trailer door. He had a box of candy in one hand, a hopeful expression in his big cartoon brown eyes, and a steady stream of snot running out his nose....which would
explain the wad of tissues in the other hand. And why he kept using his tongue to catch the snot every few seconds.
He said, "Goddess, would you please buy some
candy bars so my class at *insert name of school district that is too farking cheap to include school trips in their budget here* can go to the zoo?"
Being a firm supporter of the arts (and the polar bears at the Pittsburgh Zoo), I said, "Come in and show me what you have. Did you suggest to your teacher that you start selling the ever so popular marijuana cigarettes like I told you last time? Your whole school would be able to go to the zoo once you finished selling in our trailer court."
He said, "My teacher said drugs are bad, Goddess."
Spoken like someone who spends her afternoon breaks knocking back several brewskies in the teacher's lounge.
He said, "I have chocolate candy bars."
*SCHWING!* If I had a penis it would have been rock hard the moment those words left his lips.
Now seeing how Mr. G and I have been eating healthy for almost a year now, and
seeing how I've promised myself to take some George Bushlike advice and 'stay the course no matter how much it hurts,' naturally I was forced to say, "What kind and how much?"
He carefully laid his wares on the table and said, "They're a dollar each and I have--"
"A DOLLAR?!" I screamed. "Why when I was your age last week I hiked it up to Dollar General and they were THREE FOR A BUCK! Ok what kind?"
He said, "I have milk chocolate." He held it up for my inspection.
I said, "Sweetie, plain milk chocolate bars are like cheap whores. You can find 'em anywhere. Next!"
"I have chocolate with Rice Krispies in it."
I said, "Hey, if I want to snap, crackle and pop, I'll buy cereal. What else ya got, Zig Ziglar?"
He said, "I have chocolate with almonds."
*SHWING!!* My imaginary 12 inch penis was hard again.
"Ok, I'll buy five on one condition: you can't tell ANYONE that I bought them. That includes the offspring AND most importantly, my current husband, got it?
If they ask, you LIE."
Now I know it's wrong to ask a small child to lie, but hell, they're going to anyway. I might as well benefit from it.
So, a few minutes ago, I poured myself an icy cold glass of diet Pepsi that I'm not drinking anymore and sat down to enjoy the chocolate that I'm not eating anymore.
I unwrapped that bar and expected to find BIG NUTS! BIG, CRUNCHY NUTS that I risk breaking a filling on, but nay! They were nothing more than ground up bits of nuts. And the bits were so damn small they probably could use one almond in several candy bars. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....the next time I see that kid I am so pelting him with snowballs.

[morning update] Yay! Bruno's a genius! The problem I was having with my windshield freezing on the INSIDE of my car was because I had the slide thingy where you have to choose between letting cold air into the car from outside or re-circulating the air that was already in the car in the wrong position. Because other people might think the same twisted way I did--"well, if I leave the cold air come INTO the car, it'll make the freezing on the inside even worse"--I'm going to reprint part of his email explaining why that is oh, so wrong: "In the winter, believe it or not, you want that lever in the OUTSIDE AIR IN circulating position. The other way, where it re-circulates the INSIDE AIR will fog you up in a heartbeat! It recycles inside ONLY, where the moisture from your breath, clothes, and the still-damp upholstry. The OUTSIDE AIR IN does bring in COLD air, yes. But it's DRY, COLD air, which is then heated when it passes over your heater core, inside of the whole mess in your dash. Some models with A/C dry their air automatically, by auto-cycling the A/C system---yes, even in the winter! The COLDER the air, the DRYER!"

This is part of a conversation South and I had yesterday when I told him I was getting my Court TV back Monday:
South: amazing what motivates you though
Moi: what motivates me"?
South: well lets see you put up with a crowing rooster every am at or before daylight for 6 months
South: you live in a house that never gets above 48 degrees in the winter or below 88 in the summer
South: you stick with ghetto internet through a shitty ISP for years
South: but let em take away 30 mins of COPS and suddenly you come to life
Moi: lol. true but hey I even procrastinated on that cuz mr g told me to order it at the beginning of January
Hey, a girl can only stand so much, but in the case of my crappy ghetto dial up, they didn't have dsl in my area until the end of last year AND I was able to use my dial up. With DISH, I was paying $37 a month for something I didn't have. Fuck that.
Speaking of changing to Direct TV, it pisses me off when I read that you shouldn't give out your sosh number to anyone. You can't fucking DO anything in this country WITHOUT giving out your sosh number. Direct TV wouldn't approve us until they did a credit check, which meant giving out our sosh number. What I didn't like about Direct TV was this: they asked me for a credit card number IN CASE my credit was bad and they had to charge me. THEN they did the credit check and said everything was fine. Now they have more of my information in THEIR system that can be stolen, and that's wrong. These companies piss me off when they insist on having all of our info then can't properly protect it. But I got the feeling the cc info was more in case I screwed them over later on.

7 comments:

Jason said...

"Imaginary 12 inch penis..." you and most men

That's funny as hell.

Goddess said...

Dream BIG I always say...

Mushy said...

"If I had a penis it would have been rock hard the moment those words left his lips."

Wouldn't that beat all!

BTW...I don't have Court TV now...my HD cable box died last night. Won't be able to get another of over a week!

Bruno said...

Oh MY! You should SEE the blush I have for my "15 seconds of fame" on here!(I feel kinda like I just MIGHT have the legendary 12-inch penis right now! I'll have the wife check..!) I guess I could've gave her a dumb-ass answer for her foggy windshield, like:"Take the damned thing OUT, that'll solve it!" But then I wouldn't have gotten my "15-second blush-rush", now, would I? Besides, she asked nicely! Oh my God, here I blush yet again.....!!!

Cherrie said...

1. All those cable and satellite outfits take advantage of their existing customers. I pay more for DirecTV--one set, no TiVo, no free DVD player--than new subscribers pay for four sets and all that other stuff. And when I call to ask for the same deal, they switch me to their repair service!

2. The problem you have with your windshield is obvious to me: To get rid of the frost, move to Florida.

3. Never, ever buy anything from a sad-eyed kid selling (last year's stale) chocolate bars to fund a trip to the zoo, a basketball team or whatever. The candy is bad, and who knows where the money really goes?

OK, I'm a cynic tonight . . .

Goddess said...

Bruno, I'd like to ditch the whole damn car, but since I still owe $3k, that's not an option!

Cherrie, you hit the nail on the head about all these businesses, phone company and even magazine subs, included. My husband has complained so often that they reward new customers, but treat their existing customers like crap. But one thing about the "four room FREE setup"...in very small print at the bottom, you'll find a $4.99 a month fee for every receiver other than that first one.

Goddess said...

Oh and btw, Mushy, that doesn't count. You're going away for a week so you won't miss anything anyway! LOL...have fun;)