Wednesday, January 24, 2007

satisfaction guaranteed or your money back

The results of my latest "test the dog's response to my fake heart attack-- attempt #53" are in: While Holly came to my side almost the second I hit the floor, she tried repeatedly to sit on my face. Conclusion: I think the dog is trying to smother me to death with her 10o pound, black Lab ass. Damn, that dog has a big back yard....

Great news! I WON THE LOTTERY!!!!
Everybody sing! "...to a deeeeluxe apartment in the sky."
And here's the fabulous part: I never even bought a ticket! How's that for excellent luck?!
They notified me via email from the UK. I am one lucky fucker.
The only downside to this is I have to share the 2. 5 mill with 9 other people,
which means I'm only going to get about....some math geek figure that out and let me know, will ya? And I don't even want to hear the words "after taxes" because that implies that I intend to pay them. The VERY first thing I'm going to do
is get Mr. G lasix eye surgery. At $3k an eye, that's not happening for us right now.
Too bad Dr. Nick doesn't have an office around here. He does "any operation $299.99".
The next first thing I'm going to do is fly to Baaaahstan and let the Enforcer rub my head (and/or any other body part he'd prefer) to improve his luck.
The second thing I'm going to do is disconnect my phone. If my 90 year old Mom wants to get a hold of me, she'll just have to drive up here and knock on my door. If it's good enough for the Jehovah Witnesses, it's good enough for Mom. And she better not expect a hand out. It's like she always told me when I asked her for money, "You made your bed of newspapers on the floor, you can sleep on it."
I guess South has embarrassed me enough that I'm willing to buy a new TV with my winnings. Although, I say if it works, why throw it away? So what if the picture is in black and white?
But the first thing I'm going to buy is a tank of oil. I'm sick and tired of trying to convince the offspring that the trashcan I use to burn garbage in the middle of the living room floor is really a fire place. They're slowly starting to wise up. Then I'm going to buy a huge supply of my favorite candy. Look, if I'm rich it doesn't matter if I fat up.
Mr. G will stick with me for the easy ride on Money Street. Only a total asshole
wouldn't have the smarts to keep a woman happy in return for a free ride.
[Isn't that right, KFed?]
Plus--and we've talked about this before--I intend to hire someone to perform cunnilingus whenever I ask. This will let Mr. G off the hook, and it will free up five extra minutes (every two years) of his time to indulge in whatever activity he chooses. I rest quite comfortable in the knowledge that he WON'T be off giving some other woman cunnilingus....
Of course, Cunnilingus Man might be required to do some house cleaning
and laundry in his down time. I'm not paying some guy to sit on his ass all day. That's my job.
Then I might invest in a new kitchen floor. Ours is sagging a bit. But only when we walk on it.

You know I have to write a comic book about Cunnilingus Man some day.
Cunnlinigus Man and his confused, gay sidekick, The Spermahater.
I guess I should also include my favorite female character, The Ovulator and her best friend Amenorrhea.

You know the Science of Mind philosophy emphasizes that you should act like you already have what you desire. With that in mind, I'm seriously considering getting another personal assistant to help answer all my website correspondence like other famous writers. I want someone to zip off snotty emails like, "I'm sorry, Goddess is way too important to answer your email. Have a nice day! Oh, and check out her latest offering from Doubleday!"
I can't wait to be egotistical and rich! It's so close I can smell it. Oh, wait. That's not success I smell. A spark from the "fire place" just caught the rug on fire.
If only Belinda Sue hadn't been lazier than I am I'd still have an assistant. Who knew that was possible? BTW, I heard from her last week. She's in rehab for the eighth time.
Face it, after the second time, you're just going there for the free room and hot food.


I've decided that black chicks have it made in the shade. If they have a big butt, it's a "booty," and it's "bootylicious." She's got "junk in the trunk", "back", or a "nice back yard." But us white chicks just have a big old vanilla fat ass.

Great line on COPS today. The officer read the guy his rights and said "Do you understand your rights as I've read them to you?" and the guy said, "no." The cop said, "Well, I don't know any other way to explain them to you."

I have never liked William Shatner's "acting," but he's hilarious on those Priceline ads.
Especially the one where he tasers a guy.
The guy's son says, "Did you zap my dad?"
And Shatner says, "No, no, no, no, noooo...I did zap your dad."
Very funny stuff.

Oh, lordy. Everytime I turn on the tv and catch a glimpse of one of those big, burly
NEWS MEN on The Today Show making floral arrangements with Martha Stewart, I laugh and laugh. Today it was David Gregory.

And that's my two cents...

5 comments:

Bruno said...

Wonder if that will be in bloody POUNDS, or equally-useless US DOLLARS??? Then, of course, we must "pay our duties" to G.W., and his cronies, so, you probably shouldn't end up owing much more than 30% OVER what you won........!

Goddess said...

That is US American dollars, my friend. I M RICH!!!

stripey7 said...

Hi Goddess,

I also encountered a scam recently, which I'll soon be writing about on my own blog. It's far more audacious than the one you describe.

Sorry I accused you recently of not having a blog after all -- my confusion arose from expecting the link to be with the other site contents, rather than further down on the page.

Eric
Gondwanaland -- http://stripey7.blogspot.com

The Enforcer said...

S you mean they'll be no rubbin? Damn hosed again LOL.
Great post Goddess

Steven Novak said...

White chicks can have junk in the trunk as well...

Trust me, I am an avid lover of junk in the trunk and have researched it extensively. ;)

Steve~