Tuesday, January 09, 2007

like a band of gypsies we go down the highway

I will be waking up in Mike South’s bed Wednesday morning!! Ok, that doesn’t sound good.
Let me change that. "I will be waking up on some rolled up newspapers on the floor of
South’s bedroom Wednesday morning!!" Awww, I’m missing home already.

When South asked me to update while he ho’ed it up in Vegas, I told him there was no freaking way I was going to face that harrowing drive after last time. All those days on the road and I never even made it to Georgia. I cried and ranted and raved and when none of that worked, I made it clear that I had no qualms about giving up his source for that Pirates II thingy unless he wired me air fare.
And he did. Barely enough for the ‘no class’ section.
There was a slight problem, however, when I got to the airport. Haha, it’s the funniest thing. South is gonna laugh and laugh and kick my ass when he reads this. I kinda forgot about my ‘being terrified to fly‘ problem.
So I spent the money on a Tom Tom BUT I’m saving the receipt and returning it as soon as I get home like I did last time. I don’t need a GPS system to find my way to the drive in window of
the Dairy Queen. Now if it could help me locate my car in WalMart’s parking lot, I might consider keeping it.

I have to be honest and tell you that I only agreed to this gig for two reasons:
A. South has a high def widescreen in his trailer
2. South has COURT TV
In case you haven’t heard, the bastards at Dish eliminated Court TV
and until I get Direct TV at the end of the month, I‘m jonesing badly for my COPS!!
So what that translates to is this: if one of my offspring calls and says, "Mommy, Court TV is back on!"
I’m blowing this popsicle stand pronto. AND I’m stealing the copy of Polar Express that South dl’ed illegally for me. Call it poetic justice. I don’t care if I did promise to gut it out for several days. Some promises were made to be broken. I don’t want you people to think I’m not thrilled to be updating for him, but well, I’m not.
BTW, when South tells you guys I’m updating, why does he always add the words "God help us"? My confidence is only bolstered by the fact that everybody is in Vegas and no one is reading me anyway.

Here’s a few things I’m noticing about drivers on the way down to Georgia: thugs drive while leaning against the driver’s side door. Guess it makes the drive by’s easier. Cops lean in the opposite direction, probably to avoid the drive bys. When an old person is driving towards you all you see is a puff of teased blue hair and a steering wheel being held with a claw like death grip. The older they are the more veins you can see popping out in their hands and fingers. Creepy lonely guys and rednecks drive with their right arm stretched out along the back of their seat. Lonely guys do it because they’re mentally picturing that little lady next to them. [These are the same guys who buy birthday cakes for their blow up girlfriends.] Rednecks drive with their arm stretched out so they can quickly reach for the rifle they have mounted above their seat if you piss’em off. And teens don’t have any hands on the wheel because they’re too busy using them for talking and texting.

On the radio while driving down Monday, I heard a story about a woman and her son who stole a baby boa from a pet store in Ohio and were arrested when they later returned and asked for books on how to care for the animal. Oh, if only they had stolen "The Idiots Guide to Shoplifiting" first.
In another interesting story, I learned that if you want to make a quick $180k, follow the lead froma Philadelphia woman. She carried flour filled condoms onto an airplane and was arrested because the airport workers thought the substance was drugs. Apparently it took the CSI geniuses in Philly three weeks to decide the condoms were, in fact, filled with flour and the chick
won a cool 180k for civil rights violations because she was jailed the entire time.

Before I left I did this wicked "spell for love" that my gf sent me. Since I'm not really looking
for love, but wouldn't mind some hot monkey sex, I made a few adjustments.
First you write down the characteristics you're looking for in a love match. My case sex match. On pink paper, I wrote:
6'4", shaved head, horny hott cop.
Sure it's shallow, but I'm not looking to impress the guy. I just want to get sexed up.
Then you're supposed to hold an apple up to the moon
and say, "Lady Moon of sky above, grant my wish and send me love."
I said, "Lady Moon of a sky so hexed, grant my wish and send me meaningless sex."
The instructions tell you to then carve two touching hearts into the apple. In my case, I carved a penis entering a vagina.
(I knew all those mindless whittling lessons from Grandpa would come in handy sooner or later.) Then you put the apple on the pink paper, sprinkle it with rose petals.
I didn't have rose petals so sprinkled it with peanut shells. BIG NUT shells, if you catch my drift.
Then I tied everything up with a red ribbon, knotting it three times as I repeated my wish.
I took the apple into the woods and bowed to the Moon three times.
The spell said I should soon find what I desire. Oooooo, can't wait! With my luck some deer probably ate the apple five seconds after I walked away...

Ok, time for me to grab my kid and get back on the road so I can be in Georgia by nightfall. I didn’t tell South I couldn’t find a babysitter for Male Offspring #8. MO#8 is only 11 months old and I couldn’t trust him with his siblings. They have no idea how to care for the needs of a small child. Ooo, speaking of which, he hasn’t eaten since he had that Cinnabon in Virginia that he washed down with a splash of double expresso, so I better grab
a taco for him along the way. The boy needs his veggies. See ya in Georgia!


Mushy said...

Avoid the old wet spots in his bed!

Goddess said...

Ooooooooooooooo, man. Thank God I brought my own sheets.........

bugs said...


Why in the hell did she take flour onto a plane? Did she give a reason?

Goddess said...

The excuses are mixed, Bugs. In this story, it was a joke among the college kids, in another I read they wanted to see if she'd get caught and in another *unbelievably strange* one, she said she used them like those sand filled balls you squeeze to relieve tension. Yeah, uh huh.


Cherrie said...

Good luck on your travels, Goddess. That description of Georgia sounds scary! (The last time I was in Atlanta, we stayed in the suburbs.) Oh, that cop you're looking for? Sounds like the bailiff in Night Court!