Friday, January 12, 2007

going south platinum edition

What a total idiot.

EXCELLENT NEWS!! South’s neighbor--the one who nicely informed me that I have to remove the giant plastic flamingoes and the sign that reads ‘Welcome to Hickville! Population: Mike South” from South’s front lawn--is going to hook me up with a piglet!! Damn. And I worked hard on that sign. I even had a picture of South on it with a cartoon bubble above his head reading, “I am a Confederate Cutie!“ But I’m willing to overlook the disappointment because he promised to drive me to a pig farm over the weekend and get me a piggy! And I promise to post a pic of my lil sweetie when I get him. Or her.

JimmyD writes: “It’s so refreshing when, once or twice a year, south's site is worth reading. you one funny lady!” Thanks, Jimmy. That is indeed high praise coming from you. BTW, I told South what you said--accidentally, of course--and he said he’s gonna kick yer ass when he sees you in Vegas. If I were you, Jimmy, I’d beat him to the punch--no pun intended. Just walk up to him and cold cock him….again no pun intended.

Nick writes: “Hi There,
Being Italian I sure know what it is like to deal with Spaghetti sauce stains lol
I am a friend o Mikes and here is what I would recommend. Make a slurry consisting of baking soda and water. Make sure it is thick a consistency that would stick onto a surface – something like peanut butter.
Allow to site for a few minutes and then gently using a cloth try to wipe it down.
This concoction can also be used on nasty oil stains in shirts…. Try it.
The other option could be mixing baking soda with Club Soda – club soda is a trick used by Dry Cleaners for these hard stains.
If all else fails, go to PEP Boys and get Mothers Leather Cleaner and Conditioner – the conditioner after cleaning smells like Cocoa butter and preserves the leather making it nice and soft
Hope it works.”
OMG. South has a friend that ISN’T a stripper?! Wow. Wait. You’re not a stripper, right, Nick?
I found some baking soda and decided to try it on my shirts, and it worked great. Unfortunately I used it all when I made Male Offspring #8 a cherry slurry. He loved it!
I got on my Tom Tom and figured out that the closest Pep Boys is about three point four miles from South’s place. Now if I weigh that long drive against the fact that I won’t be here when South discovers the mess, I think I’m willing to risk it. What can he do to me over IM? Give me a virtual smack? Oooooo, I’m shaking in my virtual size two silk teddy.

It is soooo difficult having Male Offspring #8 in South’s place because it’s like taking your child to a brothel. Remember how I told you South has slutty pics of naked chicks on his walls? I’m sorry “nude ART” adorning his walls? Male Offspring #1 keeps toddling over to one pic and pointing. Then I have to rush over, cover his eyes and say, “Don’t look at that bad, bad cooch!” Five minutes after he was here, he had already learned the phrase “bad, bad cooch”. Plus, I'm not getting much sleep because he is at the stage of his little life where he’s found his penis and is very proud of it. He’s forever playing with it and trying to show it to people. Much like his 19 year old brother. Not to worry, when he gets a little older, I’ll teach MO#8 to be ashamed of his sexuality like I have all my other boys. Just doing my part to prepare him for marriage. I’m outtie!

1 comment:

Fathairybastard said...

I don't think we ever actually outgrow that stage.