Saturday, January 13, 2007

don't leave me this way

Here's something that’s yanking my chain. I drove all day to get here to do South a FAVOR and he gives me no respect. I called him in Vegas last night and left messages all over the damn place telling him that I was having a really serious problem and I didn‘t know how to handle it. He finally calls me at 3:45 a.m. and says, “What’s up?” I said, “Thank God! I’m experiencing this persistent vaginal itch and I ---hello? Hello?-” and when I called him back, I got shuffled over to his voice mail. That is just wrong, people. Turns out the itch was caused by using South’s electric razor on my cooch. Apparently, that’s not a good idea.

Add one more thing to the list of stuff South’s “association” forbids: I’m not allowed to set up a booth on the sidewalk in front of his place, peddling his DVD’s at “deep, discount prices”. Damn. This place is no fun.

Although, I have been overdosing on Court TV the last few days, and that’s been a pure delight. They even had some bittersweet trailer court segments of COPS from Atlanta. I miss trash. I miss home.

Ok, time for me to check the old mailbag and see what’s on the minds of some of my close personal friends. Yvette wants to help me fulfill my dreams. Ok, Yvette. Send me a 6’4” tall, hetero male with a shaved head who wants nothing more than to eat my pussy all day. Seth wants me to ‘test the sweets of life’. If the amount of Ding Dong wrappers I burned in South’s backyard is anything to go by, I’ve been testing the sweets of life. John has a treatment for my penis. Hey, I like my penis fine just the way it is. Cathy is concerned that I’m still suffering from premature ejaculation, and Steven promises that she will love me “more than any other guy”. It’s at this point that I feel the need to break into a rousing chorus of “I am woman, hear me roar.” It’s nice to know my close personal friends, the spammers, are thinking of me.

My gf talked me into watching Armed and Famous, the show where five washed up celebs become cops and fade even further into oblivion. She convinced me with this argument: “you can’t make fun of it if you don’t watch it.“ I think one of my favorite reviewer comments about the show concerns Latoya Jackson. The reviewer said, “The five of them then go to a laundromat, where La Toya can't quite master the dollar bill changer. She is, however, allowed to carry a firearm.” LaToya gets the Asshole Award for saying that she’s always wanted to be a cop or work at McDonald’s. Oooo, wouldn’t it be so fun to hobnob with the ‘po? Sadly, I think McDonald’s is too lofty a goal for Miss Jackson. One of my favorite celeb comments about the show came from Eric Estrada who actually said that he had a very big advantage over the others because he played a cop on tv . Yes, that’s so much like the real thing that any day now I expect George Clooney to begin operating on people because of his days on E.R.

South’s neighbor just called and said he’s going to pick us up in a few minutes. We’re going piggy shopping! I I’m so excited. I have to say that even though he was a bit reluctant at first, Mr. G is now thrilled about the prospect of owning a pig. Of course, he might be under the impression that we’re picking out a miniature collie, something that he’s always wanted. I don’t know who would have given him that idea *whistles innocently* but when you think about it, “pig” and “miniature collie” sound so much alike. I’m just going to feel a tad strange calling the pig, “Lassie”.
I’m outtie!

2 comments:

Jason said...

Well, Erik Estrada also played a cop on a episode of Martin once. So that builds up his cred. ;-)

Anne said...

Gee, Goddess, I thought that little piglet looked JUST like a collie, too !
Hmmm, maybe Mr. G. will need to get his eyes checked ???

NEVER use an electric razor 'down there' ! Get waxed instead ! Find someone who specializes in doing Brazilians, it's awesome !!!

Love the LaToya/Estrada sarcasm... Too true. Now who plays the President on TV ? and do you think he does a better job than the one we have ???

Sounds like you are a little homesick. Hope you get back soon to your own bed, your own kitchen and your loving hubby !