Thursday, November 30, 2006
Movies you can watch in your own home whenever you want! What a fabulous concept. I predict it will catch on. I LOVE this movie!
Hmmm, well I can honestly say those "WalkFit" insoles are helping my sleep. I used to be up before
8 am all the time because my hips and lower back ached. This morning I slept in until...well, let me put
it to you this way, I was stretching and rolling over to find an even more comfy position in bed at the same time
I heard my neighbor pulling her car into the driveway for LUNCH. I love life!
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Happy Birthday to Richard Freeman, esteemed editor of Batteries Not Included and overall great guy!!
So Britney's flashing her bare cooch all over town, every chance she gets, huh?
And we thought *KFed* was the no class, white trash bum in that union...
I heard from Harlequin Books after I complained about them pimping their "old" Christmas books as new.
The woman said, "We don't mention that they're reprints because people will think they're old books." Um, HELLO?!
If they were written in the 1980's, they *ARE* old books! They talked about MORK & MINDY in one book.
And after reading that, it became very clear to me why most writing books tell you to never mention
current celebs or tv shows. They really date your book later on.
Yet another senseless and totally obvious study was conducted in London. The outcome? Women talk more
than men. Wow! What an amazing surprise!!
What's up for the next time waster study? Do men miss the toilet more often than women?
I was helping the kids write letters to their dads yesterday. It's really hard because the littlest offspring don't know their daddies ARE in jail.
I tell them their daddies are "working for the
government on a special assignment. Soooo important as a matter of fact, that they can't leave until the government tells them they can."
Female Offspring #7 said, "When will they let my daddy come home?"
I said, "In two to four." And knowing that jackass, he'll be back "working for the government" within a week.
While Mr. G knows about my site(s), he never reads them. And the offspring are FORBIDDEN to read them. If I so much as THINK they're reading them, I'll kill 'em.
I'm glad about that because I can say what I want to say. Not that I'm saying anything incriminating, but still. If I wanna kvetch, I can.
When I'm reading someone's blog and their gf/bf/spouse suddenly starts posting, the blog kinda
loses flavor for me, ESPECIALLY when it's just a bf/gf. The blog writer has to watch what they say, so they start censoring
and the blog isn't as fun for me anymore, and I find myself investing less and less time, just waiting for the inevitable break up disaster.
You can tell when they've given out the URL cuz suddenly they'll start saying all sorts of nice things about their S.O.
"He is THEE BEST in bed!"
"Nobody gives head like my woman!"
"OMG! If my guy gets any smarter, I'll have to go back to college just to keep up!"
"If my gf gets any hotter, I'm going to have to carry a fire extinguisher around with me at all times."
GUH. And the insanity goes on and on until I feel like I'm in danger of overdosing on saccharine.
I feel the worst for guys. They can't even say things like, "Well, I'm thinking about
asking the chick to maybe marry me in the upcoming months" cuz she'll have the entire wedding planned before he makes it home that evening.
Then in the back of my mind, I always think, "Oh, shit, if these two break up, he's not even going
to be able to talk about it, or he'll have to get a new blog addy to do so because you
just KNOW she'll be checking his blog constantly to see if he's talking smack about her."
And that bugs me because if he DOESN'T talk smack about her, we'll never know the gory details of their breakup...LOL! Don't get on your high horses, I know I'm not the *only one* who wants to hear that kind of stuff. I'm just being honest about it.
Guys, it's so not worth it to hear those few seconds of "tee hee, you're so funny in your blog" right before she gives you head.
Gals, same thing when it comes to cunnilingus ...or him changing the "earl" in your car.
So if you find yourself tempted to tell, remember: a moment on the lips, a lifetime of having to put up with her angry emails because you made her look bitchy in your blog.
If you feel you MUST give her/him your URL, for God's sakes, have the sense to set up a "dummy blog"
where you can kiss ass 24/7 and nobody has to read it but the person it's intended to impress. Do that much for us, your faithful internet pals.
Ok, what store had the deer in all white lights on sale? You know, the deer standing next to the tree in all white lights? Good freaking grief. They're in just about every yard in my hood! I'm starting to feel so left out, I might have to steal
one deer from two different yards and a tree from another yard to complete MY set.
Zal pointed out that I did not include The Chipmunk Christmas song on my list. That is because I am disgusted by
the fact that poor Alvin gets yelled at constantly. It's obvious from listening to that song that Alvin has ADD.
Frankly I'm surprised he's not the poster chipmunk for Ritalin.
I was perusing the web for unusual gifts for my upcoming 12 Gifts of Christmas article, and I found this site for pheromone perfume.
What struck me as extremely hilarious, though, was the fact that you get a "free Peruvian finger puppet"
with every order over $50. Sign me up! A girl can NEVER have too many Peruvian finger puppets!
I started to watch My Boys on TBS last night and I have a question: must EVERY new show be narrated?
I sat through two half hour episodes and that was about 59 minutes too much.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
will last, here are a list of my all time favorite Christmas songs:
1. All time #1 is Sleigh Ride by Percy Faith or Manheim Steamrollers or The Ronettes
2. We Need a Little Christmas by Percy Faith. I always listen to this while decorating.
3. O Holy Night by Celine Dion. I know you're surpised to see anything by Celine on my list, what with
us being mortal enemies and all, but I know a great song when I hear it. She knocked herself out on this one.
4. All I Want For Christmas is You by Mariah Carey. Her rocking beat *really* gets me in the holiday mood!
5. Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow by Gloria Estefan
6. The Bell That Couldn't Jingle by Herb Alpert. Blame my dad for this one. Herb's albums were always playing at our house when I was little.
7. Winter Wonderland by The Eurythmics. Annie's voice is just fabulous.
8. Santa Baby by Madonna. Sexy and fliratious. Nuff said.
9. Holiday Road by Lindsey Buckingham. Another upbeat, great song. And who
doesn't think of that squirrel flying out of the Christmas tree when they hear it?
10. Lets Put Christ Back In Christmas from the Bob&Tom show. Too damn funny.
11. Jingle Bell Rock
12. Rockin Around the Christmas Tree by Brenda Lee
What are yours?
I was yakking with Zal on IM last night, and she went whizzing past me with a wooden Santa doorknob hanger in her mouth...sigh.
Just like a kid, in one ear and out the other.
I HATE FALSE ADVERTISING!!!!!
Remember I told you I ordered the new rainfall shower head with hand held thingy to get me off in the shower? (Let's not kid ourselves, that's what I wanted it for...)
The dude on QVC said there were "only a few SIMPLE STEPS" to follow to attach the showerhead.
Well, it arrived today and I read through the instructions. There were only about six steps and each seemed relatively easy.
This is how it went for me :
Step One: remove old shower head
Step Two: scream, rant and rave loud enough to scare all small animals within a 15 mile radius when the old shower head won't FUCKING BUDGE!!!
Step Three: toss the entire damn box aside and wait for the next time an unsuspecting repair dude is at the trailer and get him to do it.
Sigh. I need a HANDY MAN!
And if Mr. G so much as HINTS that he's going to say, "Why oh why wasn't I blessed
with 'around the house skills' instead of these devestatingly handsome good looks?" I'll freaking SLAP HIM!!
Monday, November 27, 2006
and Mickey Moose is on the right
The recipe she picked was called "Reindeer Droppings." Sounds yummy, right? You melt chocolate chips--we used the milk chocolate ones, not the semi-sweet because there's nothing I hate worse than the words "semi" and "sweet" in the same product--and then you mix in Chow Mein noodles and spoon drop the "cookies" to look like reindeer piles. Of course, it didn't take but five seconds for Male Offspring #2 to dub them "reindeer shit". Sigh. I can only imagine what the parents in da 'hood think of me when my offspring tell them I make them eat reindeer shit...
Our neighbor has one of those houses you glue together. It sits across the street from us, yet it's a situated slightly ahead of our place. Those houses must be damn hollow, because even with my double pane windows closed, I can hear their kids running through the house.
Reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
- Men can't pack a bag.
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen
with all those elves.
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest
as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
- Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
- Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability
to pick up women.
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
LOL! I love that last one....
I was watching a program on Showbiz Tonight about weight loss. They said that one thing that helps you lose
weight is breastfeeding. That's it. I'm going to start breastfeeding the entire neighborhood.
Maybe I can "double up" and have a mouth on each tit...
I am sooooooooooooo excited! Guess what I bought for myself? A Season for Miracles videotape!!
I wanted to buy the DVD, but that damn thing was $29. So I bought a "new" "used" tape for only $6 something,
shipping included. I'm so excited! I can't wait to watch it. Hell, I can't wait to get it.
And of course, Mr. G immediately said, "Wait. Can we consider that your Christmas gift?"
I said, "Nice try, honey. I'm getting the ring."
For those of you that don't know, this is the sort of lawn ornament Bugs' and I are talking about.
You know who I feel sorry for in all this madness? The inflatable Thanksgiving turkey, that's who. They don't even get a lousy
week of glory before they're ripped down and replaced by a damn 8 foot tall snowman family.
Bugs writes: "...you could have a contest for your readers (all five of us) to find the most hideous XmasDecoration!. Christmas decorations, however should not count, because Christmas decorations are tasteful, such as a simply lit tree or a wreath on the front door. XmasDecorations! are akin to the Griswold's House. However.....if the homeowner of a XmasDecoration! house does the display for charity, it should receive bonus points."
I'd like to do this, but I really think Bugs is overestimating my readers. Sorry, the truth hurts,
I know, but if ONE of you guys picks up a camera to participate, I'll faint. I'm thinking I should offer the winner some sort
of prize, but again, I might as well just ask Bugs for her addy cuz I'm guessing she'll be the only one that "plays" along.
Sunday, November 26, 2006
Granted, he was wrong. But one sincere apology is enough. Richards' publicist doesn't help matters either by saying Richards' comments
"opened up a terrible racial wound in our nation". If Michael Richards wielded that much influence, he'd be a huge celebrity. Let's face it, now that Seinfeld's over, you never see the man. I have more respect for celebs who say, "I've apologized once and I won't apologize again." The media has a way of milking situations such as these, and people have to take a stand, refusing to be whipped over and over for their mistakes.
Bugs' writes: "XmasDeflatedCount! - three times today.
XmasInflatedCount! - three times today.
The spotlight has gone out twice.
Gleefully enjoying your neighbor's pre-holiday frustration: priceless!"
LOL! You're feeling their pain ..... and loving every minute of it! With all the inflating and deflating, methinks they should have gotten a better quality carousel.
BITCHING PAYS OFF, PEOPLE!!!!
Remember last year when I said I had emailed the Oprah show and complained that no one in the viewing audience
had a chance to receive any of her "favorite things" and that I felt the entire thing was unfair?
I'm guessing I wasn't the only one because this year, she's having an online sweepstakes
in which she will be giving away her favorite things, worth over four thousand dollars, so git yer asses over there and register!
BUT I *am* going to bitch that she's only giving the prizes to ONE person. Sigh. Peepy steps, kids. Peepy steps.
If you love Christmas movies as much as I do, and really, who doesn't? Don't forget about ABC Family Channel's 25 Days of Christmas, starting December 1st.
They also have a daily sweepstakes beginning on the 1st and you must register every day to play.
The upside is that they've had pretty decent prizes the last few years. Downside is I haven't won...YET. I'm feeling lucky this year.
I KNOW this is the year I'll win lots o'prizes and get that Chrissy doll!!
Dell usually runs a holiday promotion, too, so I'll keep an eye out for that and let you know. Last year they gave away that Cadillac Escalade full o'electronics, which somehow managed to miss my driveway.
Speaking of cheesy holiday movies, don't forget to check my cheesy holiday movie review page. I have over 60 movie reviews and I add each year.
I was reading a story about Rachel Ray in the Enquirer, and I don't know if it's true or not but they said that her husband
has a spitting fetish. He likes chicks to spit in his face and I guess he masturbates to that. They also said he pays chicks to rub their feet on his cock.
They said it has been going on ever since he married Rachel and that she had no idea it was happening. Does anybody know if they're divorced?
What's comical to me is that they showed a picture of the woman Ray's husband paid to spit on him and she's like, "I hope he gets the help he needs."
Puhleeze. She admitted in the story that there were times she totally lived on what he paid her, so, in turn, she screws him over for moola from the Enquirer.
It's fairly evident she doesn't give a shit about anything but cash, so the faked up sympathy was rather funny.
I know that celebs vehemently deny any story that appears in the rag mags, but I tend to think there's more truth to them than lies.
I saw a sign the other day that read, "A smile is the perfect gift, personal and encouraging." WRONG.
A two carat diamond anniversary band from Littmans is the PERFECT gift. How many times do we have to cover this?!
I had to quickly drag Female Offspring #8 out of the store last night. Male Offspring #3
showed her candy called "Reindeer Noses" and told her they were the "real thing". Sigh.
She started crying and screaming about Santa not being able to come on Christmas
because Rudolph couldn't smell his way to our trailer. I assured her our trailer reeks and even without a nose, Santa could easily find his way here.
All he has to do is follow the white trash road...
I am busy writing the Annual Goddess Family Christmas letter, which I will post here when I complete this work of art.
Let's see what happened this year: two pregnancy scares with the Female Offsprings, three arrests,
Male Offspring #1 *almost* became a daddy then I kicked him out of the trailer ofr not having a job,
Male Offspring #5 had to be forcibly removed from Jesus camp because his excessive Jesus-osity was annoying the other campers (how sad is THAT?!),
Male Offspring #4 had his Big Ball O'Twine pics stolen and my co-workers continue to annoy the crap out of me.
Not exactly a wealth of happy material now is it? Don't worry.
I can put a good spin on a murder, if need be. "XXXX wasn't quite prepared to move on, but now that he has, he is extremely happy in his new place!"
Saturday, November 25, 2006
Let the fun begin....
Ok, this is interesting. When I upgraded I found out that I have 622 posts on this blog and 661 on my Hott Cops blog.
One feature I do like on this Beta blog is when you hit the page to edit entries, it shows you how many comments you have on each blog. Now I'm gonna try an anon post on my Hott Cops blog and see how that works when it has to be approved;)
*color me incredibly HAPPY*
In case you're interested and I'm sure you all are, Jay whopped up on me in Celeb Jep. The final score was $233, 900 for Jay and $223, 700 for moi. I was surprised at how smart Michael McKean aka Lenny of Lenny & Squiggy was and surprised by how little Martin Short seemed to know. Martin took every question in the Gub'ment section even though it was evident, he knew none of the answers. Why he wasted everyone's time--epecially mine cuz I was at least smart enough to admit I knew NOTHING--was beyond me.
Wow. I don't know who the dairy industry has hired to do their marketing campaigns, but they need to give them a raise. First we were told that milk "did a body good", and despite the fact that we have incredibly high numbers of people with osteoporosis, milk supposed makes our bones strong. (LOL! That's so stupid, it's funny.) THEN we were told that eating so many portions of dairy each day would help us lose weight, despite the fact that milk has tons of sugar in it and cheese has tons of fat in it. Now we're being fed a bill of goods that tells us dairy will lower our blood pressure. Why dairy SEEMS to lower your blood pressure is because it contains a lot of potassium, calcium and magnesium, the three ingredients that are crucial to keeping bp under control. Of course it would serve you better to just TAKE calcium, magnesium and potassium supplements, but the dairy people would have you think getting all those unneeded calories is the best way. Like I said, I don't know who is doing their marketing, but I wouldn't be the least bit surprised to hear them say drinking milk keeps you from getting cancer. Lord knows it SEEMS to do everything else.
I saw a news report this week about the undercover cops who killed an elderly woman in Atlanta while serving
a warrant at her house. The old, frail, pitiful woman wounded three narcotics agents and yet her niece was outraged that they fired back, killing her.
I guess cops should stop and take into consideration the age of the person shooting at them before they return fire.
After all, how much damage could one old woman with a loaded weapon cause?
I was reading a Good Housekeeping mag at work on Thanksgiving--hey, I SAID I was freaking bored!--and I had to laugh at Wynonna Judd's logic. She talked about losing some weight and how she wanted to reach the women in her audience who feel invisible and are ignored. THEN she went on to say she was designing a line of clothing that would go to size L, but was NOT a full sized line of clothing. Just what the size 3 women of the world need....another celeb clothing designer. And so much for Wy wanting to reach that woman that feels invisible. I found it really ironic that a full sized woman would discriminate against other full sized women by not making clothing they can wear. Who would better know what sort of clothing a larger woman wants than a larger woman?
Ok, I have a question for all of you. Now I'm going to ASSume you are ALL good tippers, say in the 15-20% range
IF service warrants. Now if you tip that much in a full service restaurant, do you also tip that much in a restaurant like Ryan's Steakhouse
where all they do is bring you rolls and your drink? I NORMALLY do, but I have this argument with FO #1 and Mr. G all the time.
They think I should only leave like $2 or $3 no matter how much the meal costs at Ryans because the waitress
doesn't do that much. I was ready to leave a nickel tip on Thanksgiving because she brought our drinks like 20 minutes
after we started eating and the restaurant wasn't that busy because there was only an hour until closing time. But it was Thanksgiving and I curbed my crankiness.
To be honest, I don't agree with ANY of this tipping bullshit. I think the restaurant should suck it up and pay minimum wage or whatever and I don't think the customers should have to supplement their employees incomes. Just like hairdressers. The chick that does my hair charges me $18 for a damn dry cut. Then I have to tip on top of that? Puhleeze.
Friday, November 24, 2006
Gateway Dude: "Soooo...." hesitation "is that time ok with you or do you want to reschedule for the morning?"
GUH. I DELIBERATELY picked that time so I WOULDN'T have to get up early!
Me: "Would you LIKE to come in the morning?"
Gateway Dude: "Oh, if you want. Say around 9 a.m.?"
GUH GUHHHHHHHHHHHH. One more sleep in I can kiss goodbye.....
What irks me no end is that when I WANT them to come in the morning, they can't do it. When I DON'T want them to come, they're more than happy to be here.
Female Offspring #1: "Screw that. I'm telling them she's a crack whore like I did last year. They felt so sorry for me they gave me an extra piece of pumpkin pie."
Bugs writes: "In regards to inflatable Christmas decorations.....a neighbor of mine has an enormous inflatable thing with a carosel inside it. And the carosel rotates. And the carosel parts are inflatable. They put it up about a week ago, and I've been on XmasInflatoWatch! ever since. I am obsessed with the need to see if its still inflated. When I leave for school in the morning, it's up and rotating.(and its so cold, theres dew inside, so you can hardly see the rotating parts anyway) When I come home from school, its deflated. By the time Buglet comes home, its reinflated again. Last night when I took the garbage out, it was deflated again. Say your Christmas lights fall off of the roof. Are you going to get back out on a ladder and put them up again? Fuck no. And yet....this is the equivelent to climbing the ladder again. Grr. XmasInflatoCheck---inflated AND lit. I give it an hour before its down again."
LOL! I love that, but at least it doesn't have SOUND to it. My neighbor slapped out his annoying motor sensored Santa last night and all evening long I heard, "HO, HO, HO! MERRRRRRRY CHRISTMAS!!" My cats must have set it off about 50 times. Male Offspring #1 is busy at this very moment trying to figure out how we can change it to "HO, HO, HO!!! FUUUUUUUUCK OFF!"
I was so incredibly bored Thanksgiving Day at work that I watched a Hallmark movie called "The Reading Room" with Joanna Cassidy and James Earl Jones. It was the story a man who was trying to fulfill his wife's dying wish of opening a free reading room in a poor neighborhood. The movie wasn't bad but it would have been a tad more realistic had James' character become embittered or defeated by the obstacles thrown at him.
Each time something happened, he just rolled with it. What kind of an attitude is that?!
Ok, but seriously the black chicks came in and were all demanding, telling him to get magazines and the next day, he had a rack of magazines. Some thugs ripped off his computer, the next day he had a new computer. Someone stole his car, next day he arrived with a new one. Sigh. Where was the crying? The screaming? The "why doesn't God love me?" angst, all the stuff that makes a great movie?
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to download a life...
Today I'd like to list some of the things that I am grateful for:
1. My family, and the fact that Mr. G is taking all the offspring to the Salvation Army for a free meal, then taking me out for supper to a fancy restaurant after I finish work.
2. All the new online folks I met this year and all the online folks I've known for years that continue to put up with my crap.
3. I'm thankful that the world is full of (hott)dedicated, (hott)hard working (hott) cops.
4. I'm indebted to the many men and women in our military who fight for this country.
5. I'm grateful for my webpimp, Mike South and for the fact that he keeps TWOG running smoothly for me.
6. I'm grateful for my sweet, little laptop and happy that she's going to be repaired on Saturday ending this horrible, trying week.
7. I'm beholden to Ben AND Jerry for Chunky Monkey and the kind with the brownies in it.
8. I'm thankful for my trailer and the folks in da 'court. (Notice how the food came BEFORE the neighbors?)
9. I'm grateful to be alive, healthy and in good mental health which allows me to whoop up on Jay's ass in Jeopardy. (Ok, truth be told, he's killing me...)
10. I'm grateful no one released a song like Mambo Number Five or Who Let The Dogs Out? this year.
11. I'm thankful that shampoo bottles have the "lather, rinse, repeat" instructions written on each one so that I never forget.
12. I'm grateful for all of the M&M's EXCEPT the brown ones. Why, oh why, can't they taste as good as the others do?
And lucky thirteen........
13. I'm thankful for the sky above my head, the grass below my feet and every wonderful, God given thing in between.
Have a great Thanksgiving holiday everyone!!
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
When Gateway called..
Oh, happy day!
to have my part installed..."
The repair dude is coming on Saturday to fix my sweet, little laptop. Let's all have a moment of positive silence and send him (and my laptop) good vibes.
All week I've had to do disgusting things like read and work crossword puzzles to keep my brain from turning to sugar free jello. I'm TIRED of having to use my brain all day because my laptop isn't here to do my thinking for me. And I've totally lost touch with all my IM buddies, too! WW could have graduated by now! South could have married two more women! Alex could have lost his virginity...oh, never mind. Just yakked with him earlier this evening and he never mentioned it.
Wow. Could Rosie O'Donnell have made a bigger deal over nothing calling Kelly Ripa's comment to Clay Aiken homophobic? Kelly and Clay were interviewing Emmett Smith and Kelly was yakking so much Clay couldn't get a word in edgewise, so he put his hand over her mouth momentarily. She said, among other things, "Uh uh, I don't know where that hand has been." Rosie insisted that if Clay had been a good looking straight guy, Kelly wouldn't have gone there. Kelly said it was "unprofessional" of Clay. Hmm, I wonder if monopolizing the conversation in an interview is "unprofessional"? I agree 100% with Kelly. A grown person shouldn't shush anyone by putting their hands over the person's mouth. We DON'T know where it's been.
Anywho, I think Rosie is one of these militant lesbians who "takes offense" at any slight she perceives and/or conjures up just so she can put on a good show for the gay community. We get it, Rosie, you're gay. Too bad we don't give a shit.
ET has yet another good looking person dressing up like a fat chick to get public reaction. But I like the commercial. The chick says, "I am a BLOB." BUT she'll be the first person boo hoo'ing because OTHER PEOPLE said insensitive things to her. I roar with laughter everytime I *see* them crying about it because I think "hey, stupid, you're wearing a damn costume! it's not your life!"
I saw a little of Bush's speech to some younger members of the Girl Scouts this morning during the annual "turkey pardoning". He was blathering on and on, forgetting that kids have short attention spans and no interest in politics.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
I said, "I feel like I have been plunged into total darkness while all around me are basking in the warm sunlight."
He said,"Well, glad to see it's not bothering you." Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...
I am happy, though, that I stored my Hott Cops pics on a third party site. I kept thinking that maybe I should just upload them using Blogger's pic thingy, and keep them on my hard drive, but now I'm glad I didn't. At least this way I have access to them, via my desktop.
Monday morning on the way to work, a woman in blind people glasses pulled out in front of me. Blind people glasses are those big wrap around ones you see that make you glad the person is in front of you and not driving behind you.
While Happy Feet professes to be a kid's movie, I hear it's not all goodness and light. Lots of small kids are afraid of the "nasty birds" and the story is apparently a tad dark for them. Hmm, sounds like every Disney story I've ever seen. Why they think kids aren't going to be frightened by movies in which small animals are separated from their parents is beyond me. I do LOVE the commercial for Happy Feet though that's a take off of Bond. The announcer says, "The world needs a new hero...he's licensed to chill." LOL!
Speaking of commercials, I like the one that's currently pimping coins for coin collectors. They encourage people to give the coin collector in their life "genuine coins from the U.S. Mint." Is this commercial really necessary? I mean what *would* you give a coin collector? Coins from Chucky E. Cheese?
I'm so glad the FOX show with OJ has been cancelled, as has his book. Sadly his book cracked the Top 20 on Amazon.
Congrats to Nintendo for making PLENTY of Wii Playstations available to it's customers, unlike Sony, which manipulated the release of it's PS3's, deliberately creating a demand it didn't intend to meet. BTW, it's the Wii that I saw a presentation of on CNN featuring the tennis game, not the PS3.
This is the difference between having money to burn and not having money to burn: the boss called the refrigerator repairman because it was running loud. Hell, mine could be running upstairs, and I wouldn't call. I didn't realize this but the guy said the companies are making fridges all in one sealed unit. In other words, there's no fan or compressor on the outside of the fridge, it's all sealed inside. He said that no matter what went on it, he wouldn't be able to repair it. She'd have to buy a new one. THEN he charged her $52 for the three minute pleasure of telling her it was running louder because it was older.
Monday, November 20, 2006
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ZAL!!!!
OMG. I heard the *funniest* thing on QVC Sunday afternoon. They were pimping a Rain Fall shower head with a hand held shower thingy, too, and together they were only $32 plus postage. Well, I've been wanting one of these for a long time, because quite frankly, I don't think gals can get that cooch squeaky clean when the water is flowing above their heads. So I ordered and because I know I'll get stuck with installation, I watched the presentation to see if they would show you how to install because they usually do. Some lady calls in and she sounded to be in her 60's and she says, "My mother is elderly, so I bought one of these units because she has to be seated in the shower and I think this will be great for her." The male show host and the guy from the company immediately agreed with her and pointed out all the advantages. THEN she says, "And Dr. Ruth says it's a great way to HAVE AN ORGASM." I almost pissed my pants! And the show host immediately says, "Ok, thanks so much for calling...." LOL!!
While part of me is mourning the loss of my sweet little laptop, I keep telling myself this is a good opportunity to step away from the computer during the day. 12 hours to be exact. Sigh.
There are some things in this world that should never change. Baseball should be as American as apple pie, diamonds should be a girl's best friend and the Oscar Meyer weiner jingle should be sung off key by a bunch of five year olds. It should NOT, however, sound like it's being sung by a miniature Mariah Carey. Oscar Meyer is currently having a jingle contest and like Mariah, the one chickypooh is able to make the word "Oscar" into a sixteen syllable word. That's just WRONG, people! Needless to say she is not getting my vote. I'm gonna see if there's some cute gap-toothed kid with a lisp singing the jingle....
MY DAILY BITCH concerns Harlequin. I purchased their Christmas romance novel shipments via mail delivery because the only thing I love more than a good Christmas movie is a good Christmas cop. I mean, romance novel. They send you two softbacks and one hardback for $20. I started to read the one yesterday and the chick makes reference to MORK & MINDY. I'm like, "Mork & Mindy?! WTF?" Turns out the book was a reprint with a copyright date of 19 fricking 84. I checked the others and they were ALL reprints. Naturally, I emailed Harlequin immediately and let them know of my displeasure!!
There was an article in our local paper about the upcoming OJ Simpson show on FOX. The station manager said they would not be airing the show because it did not meet the stations standards and "served no meaningful purpose." Hell, that applies to 99.99% of the shows on TV, except for COPS. And I don't think I need to tell you what purpose that show serves....but if you're particularly dense, refer to the showerhead post above.
Ok I saw a demonstration of the new Sony Playstation tennis game and I just have to laugh. The players are standing and simulating the movements of the tennis player onscreen. ONLY IN AMERICA, would we imitate exercise instead of actually doing it.
Wow. Can you tell I didn't have access to my laptop all day yesterday? All this stuff is bubbling up inside of me, spilling onto the keyboard, much like the sticky splooge of horny internet geeks.
I read that the approval ratings of America and Americans is down again in Indonesia. It rose to 60% after the tsunami and our relief efforts in that country. It's now down to 30%. Sure they got our money and our help, they can go back to fucking hating us again.
I thought about you Saturday night, WW. I saw two Marines in full dress going to a wedding reception. Mighty fine looking men, I must say.
I saw a commercial for this new Barbie toy. It said, "It's a bus, hot tub and house all in one." Yeah, they're called "trailers," people. Get over yourselves. It's been done.
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Great. I fugged up my laptop and now I have to wait for it to be serviced.
The part is due in around the 24th and I have no idea how long I'll have to wait for the dude to show up. I came home from work Saturday and went to turn the laptop on and the button pushed right into the console and stuck there sideways. Ugh.
I called Gateway and told them what was up. The chick said, "You called customer service by mistake. This is a tech support issue. Do you have a laptop or desktop?" I told her laptop and she said. "I'll transfer you." TWENTY FIVE MINUTES AND THIRTY EIGHT SECONDS LATER, someone answers. Damn, was I steamed ESPECIALLY when the guy then said, "Oh you want to talk to the people in laptops, this is the number for desktop." The chick that answered in laptops got an ear full. Then to add insult to injury, she says, "You should never have had to wait that long. We're not even busy tonight." GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR....
A few minutes ago, Mr. G walked in and said, "You're not gonna go psycho because you don't have your laptop, are you? " LOL. I said, "You better pray the desktop holds up.";)
I'm already scoping out da court to see what the "it" Christmas decoration is going to be this year.
Let's recap the "it" decorations of the past few years: first it was the wooden reindeer standing; then wooden reindeer standing, reindeer grazing; reindeer standing,
reindeer grazing and sleigh; reindeer standing, reindeer grazing, sleigh with gifts; reindeer standing, reindeer grazing, sleigh with gifts and Santa.
I'm thinking this year those wooden decorations will end up as firewood, and the "it" decoration will be one of those big plastic blowup thingies.
I don't know if I like them or not. Every time I see them I have an overwhelming urge to take a HUGE pin and--well, never mind.
Most of them are like ten feet tall. One neighbor had several characters from "Rudolph" last year.
You know the Big Foot type monster they meet up with? They had him and the big Burl Ives snowman.
Dollar General has a really cool one that features a penguin inside the "snow globe" and snow is blowing around inside.
I was watching Sandra Lee's Thanksgiving show.
Ok, I only make the kind of stuff Mom makes, but damn.
Sandra's recipe was ....well, odd. She added creamed corn and shredded cheese to hers.
Is there ANYTHING that chick won't add a bag of shredded cheese to? Her colon's probably crying out in misery.
Saturday, November 18, 2006
Last time I checked that dofus Brian was leading.
They're going to announce the winner on Thanksgiving Day. Rest assured, I will keep you
updated because I know you're probably all on the edge of your seats wondering if Maddy won.
BTW, Mushy, I checked and you can "opt of" of receiving Big Lots emails and they PROMISE not to sell your email addy. Hey, if you can't trust big business, who can you trust?
I LOVE the way Judith Regan is suddenly saying this whole book deal with OJ was a set up to get him to confess. Only a pea brain would believe he's innocent to begin with, so who really cares?
If this IS the case, why didn't she say this to begin with? Why say it after the families and the media came down on her ass for publishing this book?
I'm having a very hard time believing her story about how this deal is for "battered women everywhere."
My favorite line from Jeopardy last night was when Alex said to Jolie Fisher, "You have no cash and you're in the lead...."
Mr. G called me at work last night and asked me to pick up a few things at the store on the way home. I stopped at the convenience store and a guy came up to me and said, "Twenty five bucks for sex." I said, "Dude. I'm not giving you $25 for sex. I get it for free at home."
He said, "No, I'm gonna give you $25 for sex."
There was a cop standing near the coffee pot and I said,"Officer, this guy just offered me $25 for sex."
He said, "Do you want to press charges?"
I said, "Press charges?! Hell, no. I'm so thrilled, I'm putting this in my Christmas newsletter. Oh, this is going right in my blog!"
I "tried" to watch Moulin Rouge yesterday, but I pretty much had no idea what I was watching for the first 15 minutes.
Thank God for the internet and people who post synopsis' and spoilers.
I think Madonna would have played Satine better than Nicole Kidman, though.
IMHO, Madonna has a more earthy sexiness about her, while Nicole always seems so cool and distant.
After watching this, I have decided that as a writer, I need to be drinking more and indulging myself with male whores.
I'm just not a writer otherwise. Ron, what say you? You were a paid writer, did you indulge in whores? (I don't care about the booze, I just wanna hear about the whores...)
Forget TMX Elmo. I heard on the news that someone bought a $600 Playstation
and sold it for NINE THOUSAND DOLLARS on eBay. How stupid. If you can afford to pay 9k for a lousy $600 Playstation,
why the HELL wouldn't you offer to pay someone ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS to stand in line for you to buy one?!
I'm thinking a LOT of people would do it for half that amount.
Well, who knew. Remember I told you that Female Offspring #5 was driving me crazy with her Gem Magic,
rhinstone-ing everything in sight, including my underwear?
Well, she bought one of those gadgets that allows you to put rhinestones in your hair
and she's made a lot of money, putting "jewels" in the fur of all of the dogs in the trailer court.
Bush said, "We'll succeed in Iraq if we don't quit." Now I hope you people are smart enough to pick up
on the fact that "don't quit" is NOTHING like "stay the course."
They're two totally different ideas.
I heard an advertisement for Nancy Grace's show yesterday. It said, "Nancy Grace is in Florida searching for Trenton Duckett."
Geez, Louise. They make it sound like Nancy is stomping through the Everglades with hip waders on.
Friday, November 17, 2006
It comes as no surprise to me that FOX has yanked "Justice" from it's lineup. They will finish production on it's first 13 eps,
but no new eps have been ordered. It is unclear as to when or if the remaining eps will air. Justice is one of the new shows I was looking forward to this season, but I bailed after the second ep. I *wanted* to bail during the first ep, but I decided to give it another try. I didn't care for the cast and Vincent Garber got on my nerves big time.
While I'm on a shipping charge rant...I received a Wisconsin Cheeseman catalog the other day. They charge you a shipping charge,
then--get this--they charge you an EXTRA $3 to have the items shipped TO YOUR HOUSE. That's right, YOUR house.
I called the company and asked them what in the world they were doing, charging customers double for shipping, and the lady that answered the phone said, "I have no answer as to why things are set up like that." I said, "I can understand paying extra to be shipped to another address"--actually I can't. Not like it costs THEM any extra to send it somewhere else, but that seems to be a standard way of ripping people off. But to charge customers extra to send it to their OWN address is just plain double dipping. I won't be buying from them.
I love these mail order companies that tell you your order will be shipped for free, then add instead a handling charge.
Like we're so stupid we can't figure out that they just gave the shipping charge a different name. Gateway, for instance,
sent me an email with a big ole "FREE SHIPPING!!" disclaimer. Beneath that in smaller print, it said, "$20 handling fee applies."
Then it's not exactly FREE, is it?
Overtime Hawg called me last night and said, "I have a really big favor to ask you. I already cleared it with the boss. Will you work December 22nd and 23rd for me? I have a whooooole bunch of company coming in and I need time to get ready." This is a familiar story: she always has either a TON of company or someone's dying/needs surgery.
I said, ever so sweetly, "Oooooooo, sorry. My sister is coming to stay with me this Christmas and I can't possibly give you any extra time."
You cannot KNOW the tremendous sense of satisfaction that gave me, especially when she stole
hours from me just two days ago. Was it petty? Hell, yeah. Do I care? Fuck, no. I am tired of doing her favors thinking at some point she's going to think, "Hey, Goddess has done me many favors, maybe I should think about someone else when it comes to overtime instead of hogging it all for myself?!" This is what gets me about her request. She pulled the same thing last year. She had the entire week off leading to Christmas, then took another day of mine on the 23rd and the 26th. I was so freaking rushed myself, I didn't know whether I was coming or going, because I had to work the eight days before Christmas, I had no time to get MY work done.
Did she care? Hell, no. Do I care this year? Hell, no.
Some IDIOT from Somerset (PA) used a cattle prod on his 4 day old baby, then smashed her head
into the sink and held the baby's leg over his shoulder until he heard it break. THEN as he was being arraigned, the asshole reporters said to him, "What would
you like to say to your daughter? Do you love her?" And he said "yes, I love my daughter." Oh, fucking please. If this is how he
treats a child he loves, what would he do to a baby he hated? The poor child has skull fractures and broken
bones in her legs and arms, but thankfully the doctors expect her to make a full recovery. The reporters also suggested that maybe
he treated her this way because he had been abused. I get angry when I hear this sort of garbage. Lots of people have been abused as children and they don't turn out to be horrible baby abusers because of it. Don't give the coward an excuse. He didn't even
have the guts to attack someone his own size. And you know why...because he's nothing more than a fucking pussy.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
he put her outside in the yard and said, "We should have sex while the kid is outside..."
I was watching the ending of NBC Nightly News last night while waiting to whoop up on Jay's ass in Jeopardy,
aka indulging in wishful thinking, and they had a piece about the Troops to Teachers Program in Charlotte, North Carolina.
They profiled former soldier, Sgt. Daniel Worley.
The girls were all giggly because the dude is hott and doesn't know it.
Quick! Somebody tell him he's got it going on before he loses it.
Why didn't I have sexy teachers like this when I was in school waaaaay back in the day?
I got the results of my writing test back today. Yes, I'm one of those jackasses that takes those "can you write?"
tests you see advertised in magazines, the ones you find right next to the "can you draw this turtle?" ad. Anyway, my
results were the same: I have potential, but only "through the mail" lessons can
give my manuscript "the edge it needs". Oh, and I can't draw worth shit.
I really need to get some more friends. Bugs, you might want to give this paragraph a skip. It'll only prove my
mother was right, ergo yours might be, too.
Yesterday, I actually had this rather one sided conversation with my dog. It was in the afternoon and we were laying on the bed,
she was snoring and I was contemplating life. I said, "You know, this is the only brown piece of clothing I own, Holly.
I think it's because I'm fair skinned. I tend to avoid browns or tans. They make me look washed out, but this sweater looks pretty good with my jeans."
And Holly said, "*insert dog snorting/snoring/snuffling sounds here*"
However, I found her snoring and snuffling and snorting to be rather insightful.
Mr. G chose that exact moment to walk by the door. He said, "It's not so much that you talk to
the dog, it's the fact that you explain things to her that I find a bit creepy."
I said, "I wouldn't have to do that if YOU listened to me."
He said, "I *do* listen!"
I said, "Fine. This is the only brown top I own and I think it's because I'm --"
He said, "Yaya, fair skinned. I heard all that before."
I said, "Oh, and btw, this dog is becoming incredibly lazy lately. How about figuring out why? If you need us, we'll be napping..."
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Joy and Elizabeth can barely get a word in. BUT when Hasselbeck DOES get a word in, it's only to kiss Barbara Walter's ass.
As a matter of fact, Liz's lips are so firmly pressed against Barbara ass, it's a wonder she doesn't suffocate.
O.J. Simpson is penning a book entitled "IF I Did It..." telling how he would have killed his wife Nicole and Ronald Goldman IF *cough*murderer*cough* he had done it.
I wonder what in the world publisher Judith Regan is thinking backing a horribly tacky project such as this one?
It's an insult to both the Goldman family and OJ's children. What people won't do for money.
Ok, now I'm a livid Goddess with a purpose. I opened the newspaper from Sunday and in the coupon section was an
ad for a Chase credit card--ZERO PERCENT INTEREST ON PURCHASES for the next FIFTEEN MONTHS.
Great business practice, Chase. Fuck over your existing customers. I am going to pay this card off ASAP and take great
pleasure in telling them to shove it where the sun don't shine.
THEN I went to work last night for one night of overtime that I managed to get from Overtime Hawg, only to find out that Overtime Hawg called the woman
who was off and snagged tonight for herself. What a greedy P.I.T.A. I've been here for five years, she's been here for two and yet
she's calling all the damn shots. She was pretty clever, too. She owes the boss money for crap she bought
and she said to the boss, "Is it ok if I call and see if she needs another night off? If I work, I can pay you what I owe you."
But that's ok. The more she pisses me off the more I'm concentrating on getting my ass out of here.
My IM list is full of slackers! I was up at 5 a.m., ready to gab and not one of you was around...tsk, tsk.
I see Pope Benedict is calling a meeting to discuss celibacy in the priesthood and whether or not it should be set aside.
One priest said it would be an "insult to the priests who remain faithful" to allow excommunicated married priests back into the Church.
No word on how those priests faithful to little boys feel about the subject.
I wish a judge would grow a set of balls and sentence Naomi Campbell to some jail time. An ordinary
citizen would have been in jail by now for assault.
I love that new McDonald's commercial where the farmer goes into the chicken coop and
screams "Cock a doodle doooo!" waking up the sleeping rooster. Then he says, "How do YOU like it?"
I love it because when we had trouble with the neighbor's rooster being in our yard a few years back,
Mr. G used to say, "Wake him up every chance you can during the day."
Yay! Men in Trees has been renewed for a full season!
I saw on CNN that the Marines (hey, WW) refused 4000 talking Jesus dolls for it's Toys for Tots program. The people behind the program
said they don't know the faith of the children receiving the toys, so they don't want to offend a Jewish child or someone who is not Christian.
Dang. Wonder where I can get one of those for Male Offspring #5. BTW, I think this Jesus doll might be the perfect new boyfriend for Barbie. He's handsome, got a job and He isn't a wuss like Ken.
Plus, Barbie wouldn't have to worry about those knock down, drag out fights with the in laws, because they're saints!
Speaking of children's programs, everytime I see a picture of a super hott cop
(or a super, SUPER hott cop--so hott I whacked the kid right out of the picture) in the Cops For Kids program, I want to scream.
Where were these sorts of programs when I was growing up po'?! Oh, wait. *I* didn't grow up po'. It's my kids who are growing up po'. I can't get them involved in the program, though, because all the police know my kids. They'd force them to buy things like gun locks, "don't drink and drive" bumper stickers and "Jesus Saves, But Cops Kick Ass" t shirts.
They showed pandas from the Georgia zoo on the news last night. The baby pandas were so cute. They were swinging on wooden swings and going down the sliding board on their bellies.
No wonder people forget these are ferocious animals. They look so damn cuddly.
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
was once a major in the Marines. He served in Kosovo and Afghanistan.
I had another odd dream last night. I dreamt that I came home--a huge fancy house I didn't recognize, but it was mine--and I went
to the top of the basement stairs. I saw a strange man run into the shadows. I went down on the steps and began
screaming, "GET OUT! GET OUT!" I could see him only from the neck down. His face was in shadow.
I kept trying to make my voice more commanding and I continued screaming. Finally he ran
and I woke up when Holly started barking. I could hear myself screaming aloud in my sleep, so I must have frightened her.
I have no idea what these dreams are about or why I keep having them.
GUH!! If I read one more financial columnist that tells you to call the credit card company and request they lower your interest rate, I'm gonna BLAST them!!
I have a Chase card and a Citi card. Citi gave me a lower interest rate when I called months back,
BUT ONLY when I made it very clear that I was calling to close the account if they didn't.
My interest rate for Chase is 21.49% for purchases and THAT IS RIDICULOUS. I have good credit, I only have about a $500
balance on that account and I've paid it off frequently. I use it for small purchases I know I can pay off right away. So I called the FUCKERS at Chase and
told them that I wanted to make some Christmas purchases and Citi was offering it's customers 0% on purchases for a year, could they give me something similar? They said no. I said, "Ok, how about lowering my rate? 21.49 is entirely too high. I've made all my payments on time and I've paid the card off a few times. I deserve a better rate."
I was calm and polite and offered up all the right arguments.
She said, "I can give you a rate of 20.75%" What a fucker. I've noticed a HUGE difference in dealing with credit card companies ever since Congress passed the new bankruptcy laws. I think to myself IF companies are not willing to work with me when I only have a $500 balance, how likely is it that they will work with somene who owes THOUSANDS?
So my plan now is to pay off this account ASAP and close the fucker out. Screw Chase. It's very clear they don't give a shit about their customers.
And if they aren't willing to work with me, they're not getting another penny of my money.
What aggravates me about the financial EXPERTS is that they are giving out information that isn't correct. I see this on Oprah all the time, too. She'll drag on some dumbass money expert and they'll have a couple on who called the credit card company and they instantly agreed to lower their rate.
I don't know what jewelry company is running the ad because my station cut off the ending, but I love the song and the premise behind a holiday ad that's currently running.
The woman is sleeping and her husband comes in and lays a diamond necklace around her neck before he gets in bed beside her.
The ad has all of the important elements for a good ad as far as I'm concerned: great love song, DIAMONDS and romance.
I saw this snippet of video of Britney allegedly giving KFed a bj. I would say from the amount of effort the girl is putting into it,
and the fact that she's getting nothing out of it, it MUST be KFed. However, KFed threatened to release a vid from
their honeymoon. Brit has dark hair in this vid, so the idiot must have allowed him to video her several times.
Monday, November 13, 2006
If his sexing is anything like his rapping, it ought to be quite humorous to watch. I want to see how many mirrors I can spot.
But the really funny thing is that Britney is reportedly worried because she fears "the raunchy footage will destroy her wholesome image".
Honey, that ship sailed a loooooong time ago. Like right after the scantily clad school girl uniform vid and the boob implants. Oh, I'm sorry, "growth spurt".
"Two Lenawee County Jail officers have been fired after authorities say they urged an inmate
to strip and run naked around his cellblock in exchange for a piece of cherry pie."
Let me just say this, NO PIECE OF FRUIT PIE is worth this. But put the words "hot fudge"
into that sentence and I'd be performing naked cartwheels. And trust me, that wouldn't be pretty for *any* of us.
I think The Simpsons new movie would be better received had it come
out about 5 or 6 years ago when the show was funny...
After spending many, many harrowing hours trying to write the PERFECT song for Dan Davis, the song that sums
up how hott I think he is, I've come to a startling conclusion: I'm not making any head way because all of the good
songs have been written!
(And because I keep getting sucked into this damn COPS marathon...)
That's right. There are no good songs left to be written.
Seriously, here's what I came up with so far:
"You are an obsession, you're my obsession..." Ooops, taken!
"It's just a little crush..." Damn it, taken!
"I'm crazy for you, touch me once and you'll know it's true..." Fuggedaboutit, taken!
But THEN I got to thinking that if I could combine all THREE of these songs, I might have something. Fact it,
they all contain the correct words for a stalking song: obsession, crush and most importantly, crazy."
I am SO working on this right now!
And a 2000 episode of COPS from Albuquerque...
Saturday, November 11, 2006
The funniest thing was: Hot water tea
set up with assorted herbal teas, sliced lemon and honey. I guess that's to
soothe his vocal cords lest he lose his voice. We should be so lucky...
Jimmy on "Yes, Dear" talking to his pastor:
"With our health conscious society, I have a great idea: low fat communion.
I even have a name for it: 'I Can't Believe It's Not Our Savior'."
I was sorry to read Jack Palance had passed away. I always liked Jack. He was one of those
guys that was rugged and sexy no matter how old he was.
OMG. The ridiculous "happy holidays"/"merry christmas" fight is ON again.
Wasn't this argument boring enough last year?
And once again, the Catholic League has it's snout into it, threatening to boycott
WalMart for saying "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" like they did last year.
Because WalMart took a beating over this last year, they're falling in line this year by saying "Merry Christmas".
This is the sort of stuff that made me turn away from organized religion. Yes, I'm sure Jesus would get all bent out of shape over this trivial b.s. and threaten businesses to bend to His will or else.
I suggest WE boycott the Catholic League and any other Christian group that concerns itself with this ridiculousness for taking the fun of of the HOLIDAY SEASON. Because they have chosen to become bullies about this, I am not donating one penny to any charity that has the word "Catholic" in it this HOLIDAY SEASON. Saying "Merry Christmas" does NOT put Christ in Christmas. Your actions do that.
"Plow Guy" on Men in Trees was so hott last night my ass melted to the chair when I was watching. And they're moving the show to Thursday. Damn.
I had twenty four things on my TO DO list yesterday and I finished everyone of them by 4 o'clock.
Is it any wonder my song writing talents are rusty?
Time I should be spending writing love songs (or more to the point, creepy stalker songs)
is spent doing useless things like cleaning and laundry. Not to worry! I have plenty of time to work on a new song today!
Ok, I'm pissed at Male Offspring #1. Remember that I told him he had to move into the shed if he didn't
get a job or go back to school, which is why he's living in the shed? Apparently the little brat doesn't have
anything better to do than harrass his siblings. Hell, that's *my* job.
About two weeks ago, I had the little ones sit down and write their letters to Santa. It's called "busy work." I promised to mail
the letters to the North Pole, aka I hid them in my underwear drawer with all the other letters from previous years.
So you can imagine my surprise when Male Offspring # 7 came running into the trailer with his response from Santa.
Smelling a disaster (and offspring involvement), I grabbed the letter to read it first.
It said, "Dear Male Offspring #7, Christmas will be here soon. I hope you're behaving! Very shortly,
I'll be packing my sled and taking my reindeer on a magical ride around the world--except for Prancer and Dasher.
They died after they ate the magic reindeer food your brother left out for them. But don't worry. They didn't suffer. Much.
Oh, and Comet was shot this summer by a careless hunter who mistook him for a cow.
And Blitzen's knocked up.
The rest of us can hardly wait to fly all the way from the North Pole to visit your crappy trailer.
You'll probably be asleep when we get there,
dreaming of the big bag of poop that you asked me to bring you. Mrs. Claus is cooking cabbage
for supper, so I'll be putting your gift together later tonight!
I enjoy making dreams come true. I
hear from that handsome older brother of yours
that you've grown up a lot since last year and that you're learning how to control your bladder during the night.
Almost bed wetting free, good for you!
My reindeer and I are so busy on Christmas Eve that we're pretty hungry by the time we make it to your white trash neighborhood.
Would you be a sweetie and put chocolate chip cookies, a 6 pack of beer, bag of pork rinds and Skittles
near the shed door for us? We'll pick them up when we leave your good looking brother's gifts. See you soon!"
Three guesses as to how I figured out which one of my jackasses was the guilty party.
I was a tad upset that the offspring said I never cook, so I decided to make dinner last night.
Naturally, when blood dripped out of their hamburgers, they complained that the meat wasn't cooked enough.
They whine about every little thing.
I said, "A little bit of raw hamburger never killed anyone."
Male Offspring #2 said, "Mom, have you ever heard of e coli?"
I said, "No. I hate the rap music."
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Damn. Day one and he's already beating me like a Peruvian mistress...
While shopping yesterday, I saw "Horoscope Barbie." Yes, as IF Mattel hasn't exploited this whole Barbie line enough as it is.
Anywho the advertisement read, "Inspired by the 12 astrological signs representing the mystique and on going appeal of the Zodiac sign."
Yes, Lord knows there's hardly a day goes by that someone doesn't stop and ask me what my sign is...
I also saw a book entitled, "Fitness Walking for Dummies." If ever there was a much needed book, it's this one on how to walk.
If I've said it once, I've said it a million times, there are too damn many people falling every day in this
country because they simply cannot get the "right foot, then left foot, then repeat until you reach your destination" concept down. It's tricky, I know.
This book is an answer to many prayers.
WORDS OF WISDOM: "I'm proud to live in America the beautiful. Nobody wants to live in America she's got a great personality."
I read this comment taken from a (soon to be divorced) Chris Rock special: "Fellas, when you wake up in the morning, you should look
yourself in the mirror and say, '[Bleep] you.' [Bleep] your hopes, [bleep] your dreams, [bleep] your plans ... [bleep] everything you thought
this life was going to bring to you. Now let's go out there and try to make this b***h happy.'"
Guys like this piss me off. Guys who act like happiness and marriage are mutually exclusive. Guys who use the
women in their lives as excuses for everything that's ever gone wrong for them. This is
why I think he's being a damn diva: when a guy is dating a chick and she's always dressed really nicely
and has her hair fixed, he's thrilled to have her as his gf, cuz she looks good and more importantly, she makes him
look good. THEN they get married and all of a sudden she becomes "high maintenance". WRONG. She was ALWAYS that way.
It's just that he chose to see it as a positive before he was married, now it's a negative and she's ruined his entire life.
Ok, this esp thing with WW is too weird. Yesterday she mentioned Rascal Flatts in
one of her posts and I remember thinking "never heard of 'em."
Yesterday afternoon, I was watching an old, old ep of Yes Dear and who was on? Rascal Flatts.
Today I received a really nice gift from a friend of mine. It was a huge wooden plaque decorated
with cows and sunflowers--one of my favorite flowers--and it said, "Welcome to Goddess' Kitchen".
I stared at it for a few minutes, then yelled, "KIDS! What room is the kitchen again? Is that the one with the magic white machines that make my clothes clean?"
They said, "No, that's the room you refuse to enter. The one with the big white box of frozen food."
Ehhhh, that one. I've skillfully managed to avoid that room for years. No need to start visting it now. Better have the offspring slap up this plaque.
I got a big kick out of Congressman Robert Wexler's appearance on the Colbert Report Tuesday night.
He said, "I have to watch what I say, Stephen. I learned that the last time I was on." I saw him the "last time" he was on and
it was incredibly funny. Stephen got him to say things like, "I like cocaine because---" and "I like prostitutes because----" I
could not BELIEVE he was actually answering! It was a hoot.
Stephen's reaction to the tape in which Nancy Pelosi said she wouldn't recommend going on his show was HILARIOUS.
Catch it if you can, it's on the Midterm Midtacular Special.
Wow. How shockingly is that non-smoking commercial which features the guy with an artificial larynx singing, "You don't always die from tobacco, sometimes you just lose a lung"? Ugh. Scary shit.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Would he be that condescending towards a male colleague? What an ass.
I can't believe he keeps pushing this fear angle, saying that he was surprised the Reps lost as many seats as they did because he thought the American people
cared about being safe and secure, and would want their government to "have the tools" to be secure.
Oh we have the *tools* alright. That's the problem. Too damn many *tools* in Washington.
God save us from these "entertainment" reporters who go "undercover" as ugly, fat people and then
offer us their "deep" "insights" as to what it's like not being one of the beautiful people. Wow. Talk about insightful reporting.
It's bad enough when Tyra pulls this bullshit, but now one of ET reporters is going to
take a stab at it, and we're expected to hear the "surprising reactions."
I think the perfect person to replace Bob Barker as host of The Price is Right would be John O'Hurley as host.
They both have the same sort of style and graciousness. And they both look great in a suit...
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
has filed for DIVORCE from K Fed. Hard to believe she'd let that hunka man get away, huh? I can't believe she was smart enough to insist on a prenup! Brit is asking for total custody of da little Federlines, but is willing to give him generous custody visitation. Good for her. She lost even more dead weight....
A few more reasons for you guys to get out there and have an orgasm:
"In one of the most credible studies tracking overall health with sexual frequency, the mortality of roughly 1,000 middle-aged men
was tracked over the course of a decade. Men who reported the highest frequency of orgasm experienced half the death rate.
Other studies have correlated frequency of sex with, among other benefits:
* An improved sense of smell
* A reduced risk of heart disease
* Weight loss and overall fitness
* Reduced depression
* Pain relief
* Less-frequent colds and flu
* Better bladder control"
In all fairness, we haven't heard from the dead guys...
The one commercial I see for the Army is so convincing I find myself wanting to join.
Too damn bad I have a dreaded fear of getting killed. And of physical fitness.
I have to roll my eyes every time I see the GlaxoSmithKline commercial for the bird flu. The chick tells us that they are rushing to find a cure.
Pardon my skepticism, but when they can't even remotely find "cures" for diseases like cancer or leukemia or diabetes, diseases
that have been around for a long time, I have a difficult time believing they're going to do any better with the bird flu.
I am NOT a Will Farrell movie fan. Guys like him and Jim Carey go overboard and end up being more annoying IMHO.
But Stranger Than Fiction looks like it could be a very fun movie.
reads, "Ha........bi....us." That's the sign that 10 months ago read "Happy Birthday, Jesus."
Kirstie Alley showed up on Oprah yesterday wearing a bikini....and panty hose. Kirstie looks great, but If that pantyhose didn't look stupid,
I don't know what does. Apparently the panty hose went all the way up to her tits if the seam up her stomach was anything to go by.
Then, of course, she trotted out the usual line of bullshit about how women must
accept themselves the way they are. God save us from these celebs who make major changes in their bodies then tell us, "we are not our bodies."
They're trying to teach a message they don't believe themselves.
They spend thousands to look younger while telling us to love ourselves the way we are, spreading a "do as I say, don't do as I do" message.
The reason I watched the show was to see Jill, a young woman who I had seen a year or so earlier. She felt her father did not treat her the same way
he treated her siblings because she was heavier, and he admitted that it was true. It was very apparent that any "love" he had for her was conditional.
Conditional on her looking the way he felt she SHOULD.
She had gastric bypass and looks absolutely beautiful, so I guess now she's worthy of dear old dad's "love".
I say this because on the previous show, Oprah posed this question to him, "If your daughter never lost a single
pound, would she be good enough as she is?" and her father actually said, "No."
Then that dipshit Oprah said, "I thank you for your honesty." Honesty? How about out and out cruelty?
That is a horrible thing to say about your own child, let alone saying it on national television. The sad thing is
one of the reasons she had the surgery was to "have a relationship" with her father. So that says she's
willing to change herself to please dad, but dad's not willing to budge for her. If my father said
I was not "good enough" on national tv, I'd tell him to shove it where the sun don't shine.
Now she's all, "he was that way with me because he loved me and cared about me." No, he treated her
that way because she didn't meet his standards and he clearly felt she wasn't worthy of love if she wasn't perfect.
He would berate her and put her down. That's not love. That's bullying.
It is really, really sad to have a parent who won't love you the way you are and is only willing to offer conditional love.
What a great message to send to your child. I really have to give credit to her siblings though because
when her dad was saying these painful things on the first show, and she was responding, they were crying right along with her.
Dear old dad showed no emotion, or even the knowledge that he was being terribly hurtful. He just struck me as incredibly cold hearted.
Monday, November 06, 2006
I can't believe they had to have INTERNAL AFFAIRS INVESTIGATE the damn thing. Good grief.
Let us all have a moment of silent meditation for the late, great Pittsburgh Steelers....
Jay and I will be engaging in a Jeopardy Off! this week. We alway have to wait until they have either
celebs on or third graders because Jay knows too much crap about well...everything! By carefully
picking the shows where they "dumb it down," I have a fighting chance! Albeit a small one.
"What's bothering you so, dear?" inquired Farther O'Grady.
"Oh, father, I've got terrible news." Replied Mary.
"Well what is it, Mary?" "Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father."
"Oh, Mary" said the father, "that's terrible.
Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?"
"Well, yes he did father," replied Mary.
"What did he ask, Mary?"
Mary replied, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun...'"
A car driven by a woman breaks down on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out of the trunk jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs. It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the woman yelling, "What the heck is going on here?" "My car broke down," says the woman, calmly. "Well, what are these perverts doing here by the side of the road?" asks the cop. And she said..."Those are my emergency flashers!"
Mr. G called me at work yesterday and said, "What am I buying you for Christmas?"
I'm like, "What?! Honey, how would I even--"
He said, "No. We're not playing this game this year. You know what you want, so spare me the headache of figuring it out for myself. Because you know I never will! Then you'll be disappointed on Christmas and I'll be disappointed I disappointed you, the offspring will be disappointed you're disappointed and they'll hate me for disappointing you, and another Christmas will be ruined. Spare us another tragic holiday."
I said, "Well when you put it that way, honey, I'll take that two carat diamond ring because I had to return the other one in the summer."
Guess who's sorry he asked? LOL!
I feel kind of guilty writing this song for my potential stalkee Dan because in all the years I stalked him, I never wrote one for Mike. Although I did write that poem about how he was responsible for killing my tomato plants and another one about how I wanted Santa to bring me Mike for Christmas. I guess two poems=one song.
I was reading an article about 25 year old political wanna be Tim Nieukirk from Springfield, Illinois.
He's basing his campaign for governor on humor instead of mudslinging, a refreshing change, and his ads can be found on YouTube.
He still lives at home with his parents and when asked if he would live
and work in Springfield unlike the current governor, he said, "I'm more than happy to move into the mansion. I need to get out of my parents' house." LOL! I love that.
I love the ad for Bodog.com, the online gambling site. It features Jamie Gold and he's surrounded by hot chicks.
At one point, he says, "You know what you have to do," and over his left shoulder you see a set of big ole hooters (great camera work, guys)
because we all know chicks with big hooters hang out with guys who gamble.
And guys who drink beer....or drive fancy sports cars...or have a full head of hair.
I love it when I work on Sundays the Steelers are playing. I get phone calls like this:
Mr. G: "They SUCK! Why do they keep this jackass [Roethleisberger] in the game?"
Me: "I think--"
Mr. G: "And why the hell does he [Roethleisberger] keep throwing to Holmes? He's cost them two plays already."
Me: "Maybe they--"
Mr. G: "They need to get him [Roethleisberger] the hell out of the game if he's not 100%."
Me: "Possibly they--"
Mr. G: "I gotta go. The game is back on."
Yeah, nice talking to ya, honey....
No wonder we're so fat in the good old U.S. of A. There was a recipe in Sunday's paper for a
pumpkin pie dessert made with Twinkies. I'm just surprised they didn't deep fry the entire pie...
Both of my co-workers are pissed off at Overtime Hawg. The one said she's a trouble maker and we never had the problems we have now until she came along.
The other one called me all upset, worried that Overtime Hawg is trying to make her look bad to the bosses, so she'll get canned.
She thinks Overtime Hawg can't handle daylight duties anymore and wants her night shift, which is much easier.
I felt for this co-worker because she started crying about the entire situation because she feels helpless. It's difficult when you work with a kiss ass because you feel like you should start kissing ass, too. Mr. G keeps saying, "Just be yourself. People see through all that ass kissing."
While O.H. is a major pain in my butt, as we all know, I think the majority of the problems stem from Boss #1 having LOUSY management skills.
She communicates in notes, which is total bullshit. Plus she refuses to set rules and enforce them. O.H. pretty much runs the show, and I have to admit, she's very clever. She buys the bosses a ton of gifts
and invites Boss #1 to her house for coffee all the time. While Boss #1 told me she didn't want to go,
she went anyway. She bought Boss #1 an expensive blouse for her birthday, which she originally refused, then later accepted.
If she corrects O.H., she starts bawling. Emotional manipulation. What a bunch of shit. The lady knows exactly what she's doing, though.
Sunday, November 05, 2006
McCartney said that he has no grudge with his estranged wife, "despite acrimonious divorce proceedings." I believe that's manspeak for "she's still blowing me..."
I love my Sunday mornings! On the way to work, I was listening to Dick Bartlett's oldies show and he played
several of my favorite oldies, one right after the other: "Windy," "Little Bit O'Soul," "Have You Seen Her?"and "Dizzy" by Tommy Rowe.
They also mentioned that Tommy began his music career by writing little poems. Interesting. Perhaps when I finish my song for Dan Davis,
it will catapult me into an entirely new career. Lord knows I need one.
I thought about the song "Have You Seen Her?" by the ChiLights (sp?) and I had to laugh. Can you imagine walking around asking
people if they've seen your chick? That's pretty damn sad. Besides, that's what milk cartons were invented for.
I loved Sunday's Get Fuzzy strip. Fuzzy convinced Satchel he was eating his waffle because "so many people wanted to kill" Satchel,
and he would be his official food tester. Fuzzy goes on to say, "Relax. I'm here. If anyone did poison it, rest assured
I will beat them like a crying child in a department store."
I can recall getting an adult mag years ago, Adult Cinema or Cinema Something and in the last pages of the
magazine, they'd have pics taken from Chinese or Japanese porn. It always consisted of bondage type
stuff where the chicks were bound and gagged, and looked far from orgasmic. They looked downright miserable.
Ever since then, I've held a vision of Asian men as rather unfeeling, kinda twisted people.
I'm sure there are lots of nice Asians, but it's difficult not to get a certain impression of them through images.
In yesterday's Parade magazine, they talked about a new business in China where the
patrons pay to smash glasses, and scream and punch the waitstaff. It's called the Rising Sun Anger Release Bar and the
waiters are young men who wear protective gear and have completed physical training. For an extra fee, the customers can request
that the waiter dress up like a particular person." So they're basically using these people as human punching bags.
None of which does anything to change my original negative opinion.
Don't read this next part while eating breakfast...or dinner. A police officer in El Cerrito, California, came upon a naked guy masturbating near a nature path. He was lying on a tree stump and orginally they thought the only charge was indecent exposure.
(May I just say that if he had a small penis, he should also be charged with "being a big disappointment to women everywhere?")
When they asked him if he was carrying anything they should be concerned about, he admitted to having a 6 inch metal awl.....UP HIS ASS.
It was wraped in black electrical tape (at least they "think" it was the tape that was black...ar..ar...arrrrr)
and police said the dude removed it "without incident.
Every evening when we walk, there's another couple who walk about the same time.
They look like they're in their 60's, but everytime they walk, they hang all over each other. Literally.
I have no idea how long it takes them to walk the block, but I'm guessing from the way they move, it pretty much fills up their entire evening.
Anywho, last night we came
home from our walk and Mr. G said, "You know who I didn't see tonight? That glued together couple."
I said, "WHO?"
He said, "You know that couple that looks like they're joined together at the hips."
patch--slapped it right next to my nicotine patch and my diet patch--but apparently I grabbed my husband's blood pressure
patch by mistake. Damn. I just hope this major clusterfuck doesn't come back to haunt me nine months from now.
From the "where in the world is George W. Bush file": during a speech on Friday,
Bush mentioned the 9.11 attacks, which "...took place in New York, the Pentagon and Lancaster."
Annnnd the people of Shanksville just shook their heads.
Speaking of the dudes that installed my water heater--ok *we* weren't, but *I* was--they were incredibly scared of Holly. My innocent little Sweetie Pops!
She was outside when they arrived and as soon as they stepped out of the truck she went nuts. The one said, "Is that a Lab?"
When I told him she was a Lab, he said, "Wow. It's unusual for a Lab to bark like that." I said, "She's a very good watch dog."
And she is.
I'm always quick to add that in case anybody gets any dumb ideas.
Keith writes: "Dear Goddy, may I suggest you stalk Dan Davis via song?"
LOL! I'm trying to *win* him, Keith, remember? Not scare the hell out of him.
I could probably write a song for him, though, cuz lots of words rhyme with Dan. Like Dan,
tryptophan, Kazakhstan. Holy shit, this song is practically writing itself.
Well the people from Life Alert called me at work yesterday afternoon. Male Offspring #6 was
visiting his grandpa and apparently he kept pushing Pap's emergency response button.
They threatened to call the police and report him if it didn't stop.
I said, "Lay off! My son doesn't know any better."
The man said, "Oh? He's a small child? How old is he?"
I said, "He's only FOURcoughcoughcoughteen."
I was watching The Soup yesterday and they showed clips of Tyra Banks dressed up as a man.
Previously they had shown pics of Tyra impersonating a fat person.
What's next? Tyra impersonating someone with talent?
Rev. Haggard bought methamphetamines but he didn't use them? He solicited a gay dude,
but never availed himself of anything but a massage?
That's like me saying I bought a cop calendars but didn't use them for fresh jilling material.
I wish they made spam messages more interesting. I don't give a damn if Joyce uploaded new software and
I don't give a damn about cheap @IAGRA and I sure as hell don't care if their "store is my cureal." What the hell is a "cureal" btw? A cure all perhaps?