Saturday, September 30, 2006

thus begins the tenth month

As per the last few years, I was going to write this entire month's posts with a gnarled finger dipped in blood,
but the offspring got pretty weak from all the bloodletting last year, so I promised them I'd give it a pass.
The big babies.

It's official. I *will* be going to Atlanta and updating for South starting next Tuesday.
So if you wanna hang, email me now. My schedule is quickly filling up. There's only so many hours
between reruns of COPS and meal time, ya know.
Maybe I'll put up some cool Hallowed Ween clip art on South's site.
You know, spruce it up a bit and make it my own, like when I stay at his place and schlepp around in his boxers.
I'll see if I can find a cute clip art kitty wearing a witches hat.
I know the guys would really like that. Almost as much as they did that time I gave his page a Pepto Bismal pink background.

I'm guessing from the amount of times FOX is rerunning it, that Til Death isn't doing so well. They're repeating it
twice on Sunday night and I saw it advertised a couple extra times during last week. Not a good sign.

Friday, September 29, 2006

heaven knows its not the way it should be

I started to watch Ugly Betty last night but I only lasted about 20 minutes into the show before I bailed.
I don't particularly find shows entertaining when their whole premise is "let's make fun of the ugly girl" or "let's get rid of the ugly girl because she's ugly."
IMHO, snotty, pretentious people talking down to others they don't consider "worthy" is hardly clever. It's boorish.

Hmm, South asked me to come to Atlanta and update for him next week while he whores it up in Tampa.
Leaving all these offspring behind is a plus, but I don't know if I want to make that drive.
I said, "Dude, just give me your passwords and login info
and I can update from the comfort of my bathtub. You know you can trust me.
Sure there was that one time I stole your credit card and bought llamas.
And the one time I stole your credit card and bought the Carleton Sheets No Down Payments Real Estate Program.
You can't fault me for wanting to better myself.
Yes there was the time you gave me your password and I gave all my friends free subs to Southern Bukkake.
Then there was the time I *accidentally* stole the hubcaps off of your truck. But I had a good reason: I wanted to sell them for easy cash.
And yes, I broke into your email accounts and read all your private mail. The point is that's all in my past. I was young and foolish then. NOW I am totally trustworthy."
But he wasn't buying it. Probably because most of that happened this summer.
Sigh. So I'm not sure what I want to do.
I hear everything new he bought is chained to the floor, including
his flat screen and his kitchen cabinets. As if I would steal a cabinet. Even if they were the exact same size as the old ones in my kitchen.
Whoa. Did I say 'old ones'? I meant to say "the exact same size as the ones I currently have in my kitchen".

its tough to have a crush

Awww, who doesn't remember their first kiss? Brings back memories....

I was trying to help Female Offspring #4 with her math.
After about the tenth attempt to figure the problem out, Male Offspring #7 wandered by.
Me: "hey, do you know fifth grade math?"
MO #7: "Mommy, I'm only this many," and he held up four fingers.
Me: "Is that a 'yes' or a 'no'?"


We're invited to an all day barbeque on Saturday. Ok, truth be told a local car
dealership is having a free BBQ for the public.
I'll take the offspring up for lunch, bring them home and have them change their clothes. Then Mr. G will
take them back for supper. A win/win situation for all. Fine. For me then.

Overtime Hawg called my boss on TUESDAY and asked her if I could work for her today. She said she wasn't feeling well.
Now how do you know three days in advance that you're not going to be well enough to work?
Unfortunately for her, I had an appointment today, so she was shit out of luck.
When I suggested she ask the chick who lost three days work last week,
she immediately said, "No, if you can't switch with me, I'll be out to work myself."
Yeah, I'm really believing she's sick.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

put the lime in the coconut and call me in the morning

So Oprah debuted on XM radio. Fabulous. I mean who couldn't listen to Oprah blather on all day long? Keeping my fingers crossed that she talks about her favorite subject: herself!
And I hope she talks in that po' Southern girl accent that she always uses. Some of the exciting topics she covered were poop and the fact that now she wishes her grandmother was alive to see that she has "all these good white folk working for her" instead of the other way around, and only one black person. Hmm, I'm sure the black folk are loving that. One of their own makes it big and who does she hire? Whities.

Who in the world does Patricia Dunn think she's kidding when she says she thought private investigators'
methods of spying on members of the Hewlett-Packard board "were anything but legal"?
Can the chairwoman of a leading company be that STUPID? Hardly.
They don't call it "spying" because it's above board. They impersonated HP board
members to get phone record information, went through people's garbage and read emails. Yeah, sounds totally legit to me.
Just keep clinging to that lie, Patricia, and praying that your big bank account gets you off scott free.

It's starting to annoy me the way my contemporary radio station keeps sneaking more and more COUNTRY CRAP onto it's playlist.
Keith Urban, Leanne Rimes, Shania and I Hope You Dance chick do NOT belong on my contemporary station.
They're trying to suck me into country, people and that disgusts me. What's next? TV shows that try to suck me into becoming a lesbian?
Commercials that try to convince me that drinking beer makes me look cool? Hell, I already know that.

I gotta stop reading cop blogs. Well, truth be told, I've dropped some and added others. I keep forgetting that these guys are
men first, cops second. When they do something out and out rude, and they brag about it, it makes me feel rather disillusioned.
And when they post those, "why I hate the public" posts, it makes me feel very uncomfortable around police officers, as if they all think we're
morons. I know the public gets on their nerves, heck, I've worked in a customer service job, but some of them are so scathing that it's disenchanting.

I saw an ad in the paper for an orchard where you could buy bushels of apples at a rather good price.
You can only magine how many apples we go through in the course of a year at Casa de Goddess.
Candied apples for breakfast, caramel apples rolled in nuts and M&M's for lunch, and well,
let's just say we go through 'em like Grandpa goes through Depends. So I loaded up the offspring and drove out to the orchard.
I figured seeing underpaid orchard workers toiling in the orchard fields would be good for them.
I don't know where they get the ridiculous idea that hard work is something to be afraid of.
The orchard owner came over to greet us, and I told him that I wanted three bushels of apples.
Grandma Goddess taught me the "put the apples in a cool place, cover them with dried leaves and they'll stay good for months" trick.
The guy came back with three bushel baskets and said, "The type of apples you want are on those three rows of trees. You kids have fun."
I'm like, "Whoa, whoa. What do you mean my apples are on the trees? Aren't you going to get some of your illegal immigrants pick them for me?"
"No, Ma'am. This is a "pick it yourself" orchard."
I said, "Wait a minute. You expect me to pick my own apples and then PAY you for the privilege?"
"Exactly."
"Get in the car, kids. I am NOT working up a sweat picking apples. We'll go to the grocery store.
Sure, I'l pay two times as much, but the only hard work I have to do is pick up the bag of apples. And I'll get one of you to handle that for me."

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

don't phunk with my heart

HA! "Too much testosterone can kill brain cells". Take that, guys!
Sure the comment was referring to steroid use, but it's gonna make a great argument for us chicks.

According to the Dallas police, the situation with Terrell Owens is thus:
"at this time, this is not a criminal offense, it is a medical situation."
With all of the privacy laws, I can't believe they even held a press conference.

I sat through yet another boooooring episode of Oprah and Gayle's (Not So) Big (Mis)Adventure to catch sight of the
state trooper that they made us think would be in LAST week's show, then again in THIS week's show. Naturally, he wasn't
and now theyr'e leading us to believe he'll be in NEXT week's show. The way they're making a huge deal out of this incident
tells me it will probably last all of about five seconds on screen.

Men. I just don't understand them. I picked out a beautiful set of dishes for my china cupboard and I showed them to Mr. G.
He said, "Let me get this straight, you want to spend $140 for a set of dishes that we can't use--ever--is that right?"
Me: "Exactly! They'll stay in the china cupboard and anybody that comes to the trailer will think we have money. What do you think?"
Mr. G: "I think you're not buying them. That way we *will* have the money. $140 to be exact."
See what I'm up against?

File this under "View to a Kill": According to the Enquirer, Joy Behar is allegedly trying to oust Elizabeth Hasselbeck from The View. Former View host Star Jones is
pissed because of the front page tabloid story saying Al is gay and that he left her. I wonder how she can ignore all those saying Al is gay?
Rumors that numerous don't come out of nowhere.
Is it my imagination or is Meredith Viera and Al Roker snipping at each other on air already?

CNN is reporting that Terrell Owens was taken to the hospital because of a possible suicide attempt.
Earlier they reported that he was having an "allergic reaction to medication."
Apparently the Dallas police report says it was an attempted suicide and they're going to hold a press conference this morning.
Interesting. When Shelly Long and Marie Osmond were rushed to the hospital and the tabloids said they attempted suicide, both said it was an "allergic reaction to medication."

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

honey, why you calling me so late

Song I'm Playing Waaaaay Too Much: Lips of An Angel, Hinder

Happy 64th Birthday to the first cop I ever had a crush on: Kent McCord from Adam 12.
Don't ask me how I know today is his birthday because that would just be sad for both of us.

I gave The Class one more try and eh, I'm not wild about it. Too many storylines
going on at once and none of them were all that funny. The only truly funny couple is the
oblivious chick who married the exaggeratedly feminine gay guy.
Eh, if it's on, I'd watch, but I won't look for it.
So far, the only one holding steady is Men In Trees.
If I think of it, I'll give Ugly Betty a try on Thursday.

Janet Jackson was on Oprah yesterday talking about, among other things, her weight loss.
She lost 60 pounds in something like four months and when asked if she took anything, she said, "We used supplements, like...like Vitamin E."
Yeah, Vitamin E. That's a fat burner and a half.
But, Janet...yowl! She looked good. When ya see her moving, it's very hard to believe she's forty!

I'm working on a new costume for Holly. She went as Satan last year. I remember
because I had a hard time keeping her fake horns on because her real horns kept knocking them off.
I think this year she'll be Captain Bligh and I'll put a patch over her eye. Well maybe a patch over both eyes so
I don't have a problem with her chasing after the trick or treaters and trying to drag them back into the yard to play ball with her.

Monday, September 25, 2006

sometimes it just turns out that way

I was reading a story in the newspaper about an (in)convenience store in Iowa that sold a winning Powerball ticket. What caught my eye while reading the story was the name of the store: Kum and Go, obviously named by someone with a weird sense of humor. Call me quirky, but I am not buying ANY food from a store that has the word "kum" in it's name, especially when it's spelled that way. "Come" and Go, I'll think about. Kum and Go? No friggin' way.

What's more fun than a box of rabid monkeys? A barrel of teething babies? A tank of pissed off sharks?
Spending time with Mom, of course!
No, wait. On second thought, I'll risk the sharks.
Learn only one thing from me, WW, and that is THIS MOTHER/DAUGHTER THING NEVER GETS ANY EASIER.
I figured that out when I saw a 70 something woman stand up on a talk show bawling about how her mother and father never loved her.
Mom is FOREVER trying to trip me up about my work schedule.
The woman needs to get a part time job with the FBI to hone those interrogation skills.
She'll call me out of the blue and say something like, "Are you off Friday?"
Regardless of my schedule, I immediately know the answer is "no".
Anytime I hear that magic question,
I know saying "yes" will either result in me doing some kind of dumb shit grunt work
for her or going to church for some 'special' Mass. Neither is appealing.
And the scary, funny thing is that somewhere in Picksburgh, Female Offpsring is writing the same thing about me...


Last night Female Offspring #6 asked me what I was going to put in the new cupboard from
my uncle. I said, "Well, it's a china cupboard, so I guess I'll have to put my good dishes and glasses in it."
When I came home from work, she said, "Look, Mom! I put the good dishes in the cupboard for you."
Sho 'nuff. It was full of Cool Whip bowls and Ronald McDonald glasses.

Male Offspring #1 told me that he signed me up for a creative writing class since I was so interested in taking classes this past summer.
He said, "I even signed you up for a therapeutic drum circle and pottery class."
I said, "Therapeutic drum cir--wait a minute. Who's sponsoring these classes?"
He said, "The Mental Illness Awareness Institute."
Grrrrrrrr....

Sunday, September 24, 2006

armed and dangerous

South's entire column today might as well have been written in French for all I got out of it.
Men and their tv's. GUH.

The offspring and I are still arguing over Halloween costumes. I'm trying to convince
Offspring #3 and Male Offspring #3 to go as a nice Raggedy Ann and Andy. They would rather go
as Paris Hilton and sumdumass rich guy she's dating.
I want Male Offspring #'s 7 and 8 to go as Chip and Dale.
I'm going as a mother who gives a shit and
I'm going to dress Holly as Satan once again--no costume necessary once again. I'm going to keep her on the front porch with me during
"Is My Costume Hott or Not A Paoolza 2006". I'll sic her on anybody who tries to get an extra Snicker bar.
Now I know what you're thinking, "But Goddess if Holly never listens how will you get her to chase bratty neighborhood kids?"
Simple. There's one thing Holly covets above all else: her beloved bones. I'll simply yell, "He's got your bone!"
If ya can't affered expensive dog school, ya learn to work with what ya got.

Started to watch a little of Eddie Murphy's Daddy Day Care and it was every bit as dumb as I suspected.
Waaaay too much of guys getting kicked in the nuts or the shins.

Male Offspring #5 wanted us to watch some of his New Testament Bible on DVD and because
I love my offspring so much, I forced them to sit and watch....while I tried to take a nap.
Everything was fine for about the first fifteen seconds.
Then they started fighting over who would hold the remote, fighting over how long each one could hold the remote
and finally fighting about the fact that we only have one remote. (They'll turn on ya in a heartbeat.)
. Male Offspring #7 started wailing because he didn't have paper and a pencil to write down the Bible "clues"
and Female Offspring #7 was bawling because she wanted to start with the Bible DVD that Dora the Explorer was on.
Male Offspring #2 was crying because there weren't any "sexy chicks" in the Bible.
Next thing ya know they were all crying when I went into the living room and started smacking them with the Bible DVD packaging.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

with arms wide open

I telephoned the garage that has our Kia Sephia and told the dude that if he kept the car any longer he was
responsible for next's months car insurance bill. They've had that sucker for two full weeks and are no closer to getting a
gas tank on it. First the garage dude was too busy, then he went home sick, then he ordered a gas tank but it was the wrong size,
now he says he needs to replace the gas line, too, and that's what he's waiting on. My guess is this dude's single cuz he can't even commit to one damn excuse.

Awww, damn. I actually felt sorry for Paul Aronsohn when Stephen Colbert interviewed (flustered?) him.
He's hott, and if that's not reason enough to vote him into Congress, New Jersey, I don't know what is.
Remember that, Alex!!
Besides, he sure beats the pants off the lying dude they used to have.

The other day I was driving home from work and I saw a sign that said, "Free Pet Therapy." Well, I'm sure you can imagine how happy that made me.
I came home, got Holly and several of the offspring to handle her and we jumped into the Rio and made our way to pet therapy.
We went right to the registration table and the lady said, "Welcome to pet therapy. Would you like to register your dog?"
I said, "Yayaya, forget all that. Just point me in the direction of the dog psychiatrist."
"The what?"
"Do I have to stay and listen in on her therapy sessions or will the doctor just strap her to the doggie couch? Can he give her doggie Ativan?"
"I think you have the wrong idea about pet therapy. Pet therapy is where we take well behaved dogs into hospitals and elder care homes to interact with the--"
"So there's no dog psychiatrist to tell me why my dog is psycho?"
"Sorry."
"Then I'd like to sign her up to be a therapy dog."
"Ma'am, the therapy dogs have to be trained and well behaved."
"Oh, she is well behaved."
"You said she was psycho."
"Nono, I said she was 'psychic'. Didn't I, kids?"
"Mom, you said she was 'psycho'."
Thus begins another chapter in the book of How My Kids Have Ruined My Life.

I love that Vonage commercial where the chubby nerdy guy breaks up with the hot chick. Too funny.

Friday, September 22, 2006

tiny little fractures

Ok I'm being lazy today. My post has a bunch of pics in it and I don't feel like Flickr'ing them all over here. You can read my post on my main journal page.
Thank you for indulging me in my laziness once again.

And today on Hott Cops, Canadian Cops!!! Are they as handsome as American Cops? Well you'll never know until ya check 'em out. My fav was CST Mike Pratt. Oooooo, sexy!

Thursday, September 21, 2006

bow down before the one you serve

WORDS OF WISDOM: "My speech is entitled 'Ginger Kids: Children with red hair, light skin, and freckles.' We've all
seen them - on the playground, at the store, walking on the streets - they creep us out and make us feel sick to our
stomachs. I'm talking of course about... ginger kids. Ginger kids are born with a disease which causes very light
skin, red hair, and freckles. This disease is called Gingervitus..." Cartman, South Park

Ok, I admit. It was damn funny.
south: ya know when I read about the little veal calf
south: I thought you were writing about you
south: i mean no exercize
south: anemic
south: live in a small boxed in home

Yay! The Space Shuttle has returned safe and sound!

I know it's sneaking up on us ever so quickly but guess what next month is, kids? Why it's Bugs' favorite month of all!
October, the month when I suffocate you with cutesy Halloween clip art.
Prepare to be dazzled by my blinking
cat eyes and my posts written entirely in dripping blood, all displayed dramatically against a black background guaranteed to ruin your eyesight in 30 short days or your money back.

From the "it figures it happened in Georgia" file: "Police in Perry, Ga., are investigating a report of a man who claimed he was performing a religious ritual at Wal-Mart. A woman said that he kissed her feet. Perry police Capt. Heath Dykes said an 80-year-old woman was shopping at Wal-Mart when she "stumbled upon" the floor of the curtain aisle, according to The Charlotte Observer. She told police that she apologized for stepping on the man's finger, at which point he responded by saying he was participating in a religious ritual and needed her help, the paper reported. The Observer reported that the woman said she was alarmed, so she complied when the man told her to stand on his hands and spit. He then allegedly began to lick the shopper's feet. A security officer at Wal-Mart happened upon the "religious ritual" and confronted the man, who the security guard said resembled the photo of a man who had done the same type of "ritual" in another Wal-Mart. The man told the officer that he was performing a ritual and then ran off, the guard said."
HA! Why doesn't anybody lick MY feet (or kiss my ass?) when I go to WalMart? I can't even get a hearty greeting from the greeter.
Although truth be told, I don't think the greeter can actually see me through the fog of their ennui.
No lie, the last greeter I saw was hanging onto a shopping cart the entire time.
If you have a problem standing, Walmart greeter might not be the job for you.

Well it happened. I knew it would sooner or later. I was banned from Ron's site yesterday.
Oh, sure he gave me some flimsy excuse about IP blocking and so forth, but
I know that I am just too controversial for the Rat.

If you like cop fantasies, be sure to check out Make My Cop Come.
Anne Elizabeth has a great site with hott (hee hee...couldn't resist;) stories about hott cops.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

happy holidaze

Fisher Price has unveiled the new TMX Elmo. TMX stands for "Tickle Me Extreme" or "Tickle Me 10." Nice to see that
Sesame Street, the show that has long taught kids how to read is teaching them "extreme" starts with an "x."
Apparently the new Elmo slaps his thigh has he laughs, rolls and falls to the floor. Well worth the $40 price tag I'm sure....

Now I'm not suggesting that people be all money mongering, BUT if you want to make a few easy bucks at Christmas time, I'd buy several of the TMX Elmos NOW and slap them up on eBay at Christmas time because already Fisher Price is "expecting" a shortage.
All I'm saying is...desperate parents+Christmas+TMX Elmo=$$$$$$$$$ for u.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

it's fashion week, kids!

Oooooooooooooooo lookie! It's one of them thar deee-ziner dresses! That must be why it's so purdy................damn uglee.



Why it's almost as purdy damn uglee as all that teased up, dried out hair she's sportin'!
Oddly enough, both the hair and the dress look two sizes bigger than her body.

gimme, gimme good lovin' every day

Oh gawd, it's Talk Like A Pirate Day. UGH. I mean, 'arrrrrrrrrr...' Sigh.

Here are a few facts for you veal lovers:
A male calf is taken from it's mother only hours after it's birth to produce milk-fed veal.
He's deprived of all exercise to grow "soft meat."
He's chained in the dark in a small wooden crate FOR LIFE. A crate barely larger than his own body.
He is denied all solid food and deliberately kept anemic to keep the color of his meat light.
Veal calves are deprived of drinking water and are forced to drink more drug laced liquid feed in an attempt to quench their thirst.
Excrement covers his rear and collects under the slats of his crate.
Enjoy!

It's only just begun and I can hardly wait for the football season to be over. If I hear about Big Ben's "bad luck" one more time,
I'll scream. For Pete's sake, he was in a serious motorcycle accident and survived.
That's bad luck?! And then the whole appendix thing? Last night the chick announcer actually
showed what happens when your appendix gets inflamed. We're not watching Grey's Anatomy, for Pete freaking sake.
I'm sorry, but the women football commentators say the dumbest things and IMHO, add very little to the game, which is probably why they're never in the booth.
So, to recap, two things happened to Ben in one summer and that
constitutes a "streak of bad luck" according to the male announcers, who mustn't have anything better to talk about, either.
I feel bad for Roethliesberger, though.
If the fans are sick of hearing it, I can only imagine how sick Ben is of hearing it.
Mr. G was a tad pissed that Ben played when he started the game with a fever of 102°.
He felt that because he played when he wasn't feeling well, it was actually a detriment to the team.
BTW, Pittsburgh was breaking all sorts of records last night. Unfortunately, none of them were good records.
They sucked harder than a porn chick at a bukkake.

I don't know what halfwit started the trend of combining celebrity couples' names into one, but I
really wish it would stop. It's very annoying or vernnoying as those idiots would no doubt say.
We have TomKat, Bennifer, Brangelina and Spederline. It must tax the little hamster turning the
wheel in their brains to say "Tom and Katie," as if they were two individuals, instead of two people glommed into one.

I watched the season premiere of Oprah yesterday because
she did something I've always wanted to do: get into a car
with a friend and drive cross county with no specific destination in mind, visiting small towns. Oprah got sucked in by the Chevrolet Impala
commercial. Sad to say I got sucked in by the Depends commercial where the chicks are in a convertible driving cross country.
It would have to be with a friend, I couldn't do it with Mr. G because he hates traveling and he stresses
over every little thing. "Are we on the right road?" "Are we headed in the right direction?" "Are we in the right country?"
For the trip, Oprah "got" a brand new Impala. I say "got" instead of "bought" cuz I'm guessing it was a gift from Chevrolet for all the
free plugs she gave them, and then she bitched about the cost of gas. Um, hello? She has more money
than she'll ever need and she's bitching about paying for gas? Puhleeze.
What made me laugh was Gayle saying, "I don't know how to read a map" at the beginning of the trip.
What difference does it make when you have a camera crew and some of your assistants following you the entire way?
Ok, truth be told, I only watched the damn show because in the previews they talked about getting stopped by a state trooper,
and I wanted to see if he was hott! Yes, I had to put up with their constant whining about the radio--"she wants the radio on/ I want it off"--only to
find out that she's dragging this road trip video out for WEEKS. That's right. I never saw the state trooper screaming at her to get off of "his" highway.
For the rest of the week, the show seems to be back
to her usually crappy subjects, so I'm guessing she'll show the road trip every Monday.

I watched season premiere of "The Class" on CBS last night. I'll give it one more shot and then I'm outtie.
It wasn't funny but it wasn't gawd awful either. One more ep should tell the tale.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

cinnamon lips

You know the only problem with having more than one site, all with the same email addy? When someone sends you a "good site" email, you have no idea what site they're talking about.

Oh lordy, a "Dr. Phil House"? Yeah just what we need, another boring (un)reality show.

Male Offspring #6 is trying to upset the status quo and I'm not having it!! You know how there's one trailer in the neighborhood where
all the kids congregate every day and have a good time? Luckily, that has never been our trailer, but MO #6 is trying to change
that. Grrrrrrr. Yesterday he brought a neighbor kid home with him to play and the little ingrate asked if he could stay for supper.
I said, "Sure. We'll eat in an hour. The kitchen's that way. Now get crackin'."
So while we were eating his "world famous peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with ketchup on the side"--he's
a regular Sandra Lee--I hear him asking MO#6 why
we don't have any forks or knives in the trailer.
MO# 6: "My mom doesn't want us to have sharp objects."
Neighbor Kid with No Future as a Chef: "Oh, so you don't hurt yourself?"
MO#6: "No. So we don't stab each other. She's afraid she might be held liable."
HA! If one of my kids killed one of their siblings, I just *know* the cops would find a way to pin it on me and my supposedly bad mothering skills.
I can't take that chance.


Isn't this cute? In yesterday's Family Circus, Billy was "elaborating" on old quotes, such as: "Let sleeping dogs lie."
Billy says, "But when they're awake make them tell the truth!"
Ha ha ha........oh gawd, how I hate that cartoon. And yet I find myself reading it every damn Sunday.

LOL..last night on COPS a chubby dude was all out of breath and the cop said, "Take it easy and I'll get
someone to check you out. Make sure you're OK."
So I can toss your ass in jail....
BTW, Deputy Mario Carey from Pierce County....hott, hott, hott!

Saturday, September 16, 2006

hello, my treacherous friends

OMG. I thought the chocolate chips in the BBQ sauce was bad...
This morning Sandra Lee and her new boobs
(sorry but they're so big now they deserve top billing, too)
made "fish tacos." My stomach is rolling just thinking about it.
She slapped a chunk of grilled haddock with taco seasoning on it on top of a tortilla.
Then she put coleslaw on top of that and some sort of peach sauce on top of that, all the while raving about how it was the "perfect fish taco." Ewwwwwww. Some things should NOT be made into tacos and fish is one of them. I don't know what was more distracting, that butt ugly red dress she was wearing or the fact that her new boobs kept trying to make a run for it.

I was listening to Nancy Grace last night while I was writing up my Hott Cops update.
(I don't think I pimp that blog out enough.)
Her show was devoted to the young boy missing in Florida, Trenton Duckett. This little boy's mother is the woman
who committed suicide the day after Nancy interviewed her. I couldn't believe some of the things I was hearing. For instance, the woman, who was talking very calmly and very matter of factly, told Nancy that she and her son had been "all over" shopping, yet when Nancy asked her to name one store so they could check videotapes, she refused to do so. Another unbelievable bit of information was that lots of her friends didn't even know she HAD a baby. How can you have a two year old child and people not know it?!
When the father, who took a polygraph test and passed, was asked by Nancy if he asked the mother where she had been that day, he said NO.
He had no contact with her OR her family. Excuse me?! If my kid was missing and she/he had been with their father when it happened,
you'd damn well better believe he'd be the FIRST PERSON I'd talk to.
Lots of mystery surrounding that case and it's sad because now that the mother is dead, the truth to the baby's whereabouts might have died with her.

I was rearranging the living room furniture Saturday to make room for the furniture my uncle gave me last year.
You remember that, don't you, Zal? The furniture you said I'd have no trouble selling????
Quite honestly, I can't believe I *did* have trouble selling it. The furniture consists of a gorgeous solid oak hutch and table w/six chairs.
Hell, at one point I was willing to sell them BOTH for a total of $300. Then I thought "F it. My uncle
wanted me to have it and I'm keeping it for myself, even if some of the offspring have to sleep on the damn thing."
And indeed they might.
There's only so much room in a one bedroom trailer, ya know?
Even after two of the offspring have moved out. Well, one moved out.
The other is still within spitting distance and still showing up for meals, so he doesn't count.
But back to what I was saying before I so rudely interrupted myself.
I was moving my antique bookcase/desk combo that
my uncle also gave me several years ago, and the book "The Law of Success" by the
Paramahansa Yogananda fell to the floor. Now I don't know if the Paramahansa knows diddly about success that doesn't hinge
on money he's gotten from "followers", but I felt I should
read it because it was the Universe's way of speaking to me.
And because it's only 24 pages long.
I think it's also the Universe's way of telling me I should start a cult.

I was watching a piece of video on MSN from the Today Show about a cheerleading accident in Texas. Of course,
Meredith started out with the obligatory (in)sincere, "This tape is hard to watch" comment.
Yes, it was so difficult to watch they replayed it SIX TIMES IN THREE MINUTES.

I was reading the latest on Anna Nicole's son and apparently she's having her own pathologist examine her son.
When I read that I thought, "Holy shit. Rich people have "their own" pathologists?!" I'm so looking forward to becoming
rich so I can pepper the phrase, "Well, my pathologist says..." through out my conversations.

LOL! I love this comment at the end of an article about Paris Hilton: "Hilton's rep
added: 'Paris is single right now. You may in the future see her in the company of other men'."
That's like saying, 'I may breathe in the future."

Friday, September 15, 2006

love stinks

Men and their toys. I'm sitting at a table next to one of my living room winders and the dude across the street is shining up his motorcycle.
I will be the first to admit it's a really cool dark blue. But I have to laugh at the way he rubs it a little, then stands back to admire it for a few moments.
This move has been repeated about ten times now. Hell, the entire motorcycle
could have been washed and waxed in under ten minutes and he's been at it for about an hour now.
Speaking of cool blue motorcycles, I don't know bike terminology, but I saw a bike last night that was beautiful.
It was sitting in the parking lot of the Dairy Queen--where else?--and when the light hit it, it had funky blue neon lights all over.
I'm sure bike savvy folks know what that's called, but I sure don't.

Ok, where do we all stand on linking etiquette?
These are my feelings: if I like somebody's article, I will link to it without asking.
When they're getting the hits, I don't feel I need to ask. BUT, I think that if you're going to copy
someone's article in it's entirety--which I've never done--I think you owe them the courtesy of ASKING first.
(Can ya tell people have reposted entire articles without asking me first? Yet again? Hey, I don't bite...except during wild monkey sex.)
If you link and use the article on your site, again I think you need to ASK first.

I watched Anne Heche's new show, "Men In Trees" and I LOVED it.
(And you people know how picky I am!)
The plot was like a great romance novel and it caught my interest as soon as I read about it.
Anne Heche's character is an author of relationship books who is in Alaska on tour.
She finds out her fiancee is cheating on her and decides to stay.
The show is extremely well written with great music.
BTW, "stinkin' thinkin'" is a Zig Ziglar line.

Speaking of new shows, I've already given up on 'Til Death.
In the second ep, she agreed to have sex with him anytime in exchange for him letting her buy the patio furniture of her choice. He declined. That told me exactly the kind of show it was going to be. One in which the guy makes the chick feel as if she's not as sexy because she's older.
I did have to laugh when he called her a "patio furniture pimp." Hell, I've whored myself out to Mr. G for Snicker bars..............but ONLY the big 85 cent ones. I have my pride.

Cats amaze me. It's like they're born with brass balls...even the females.
There's a black cat that's been hanging around our place the last few months.
I've dubbed him/her "Stranger Danger™ Cat"*
I don't know why it's chosen our trailer.
It could be the calming ambiance. It could be the cozy nesting places to be had in the burned out stove on the front lawn.
It could be the endless supply of cat food. I won't speculate.
While the little booger won't let me pet him/her, it WILL allow me to feed it. Lucky, lucky me.
As soon as my cats see me or Mr. G or one of the many offspring outside, they immediately come running for food.
Now Stranger Danger Cat is doing the same thing! As if it's entitled. I went to the mailbox yesterday afternoon
and when I came inside Buddha, Stupid Cat and Stranger Danger Cat were waiting near the front porch for dinner.
Long after the other two gave up, I looked out and saw Stranger Danger Cat still hanging around, hoping I'd have a change of heart.
Now that's persistence...with just a dash of stupidity.
BTW, when did cats become so lazy and dependent? I told them all to go hunt their own food and they looked at me like I was crazy.
*When Female Offspring #1 was little, I bought her a tape with songs about dogs and in one section, the song was about never petting stray animals.
They told them to yell "Stranger Danger Dog!" to alert others and come running into the house to safety.
You don't even want to KNOW how many times I heard THAT phrase. The fact that I remember it some
15 and 16 years later when I can barely remember last week, ought to be a clue.
"Sadly" the tape was "accidentally" destroyed shortly after she got it. But unfortunately not until after she memorized the song.

fabulous friday!

Wow. What a great Friday so far! Almost 1:30 and I'm still wearing the towel I used when I showered at 11:30. I can tell those Walk Fit thingies are doing their job. I used to have really bad hip and lower back pain the mornings, so I'd be out of bed by about 7 or 8, even when I was off. I received Walk Fit insoles and have been using them for about a week. From day one when it tells you to only wear it for an hour, I had it in most of the day because it felt so incredibly good not to have lower back strain all day. These things are really great, and they were only $20 plus postage. I'm curious to see how well they work after I go to the chiropractor next week. I'm wondering if I'll have to go so often once I get in alignment and wearing them. They felt weird at first because it's like walking on half of a ball, but I was really amazed by how well they worked.

Remember when Monopoly was selling "...opoly games" and you could tailor it to your own interests?
Well, we created "Goddessvilleopoly," a white trash "opoly" that I talked about in another post last year or so.
I was so close to winning Goddessvilleopoly last night and I blew it.
After three hours, it came down to me, Male Offspring #2 and Female Offspring #4.
Male Offspring #2 lost all his money when he landed on "pay back child support for every child you've fathered."
I had no sympathy for him though. Served him right for not wearing a condom!!
I always tell my boys, "Keep your pecker in your pants!!! But if circumstances are
beyond your control, don't EVER let it leave the house without a raincoat!!"
I crapped out when I took out a third mortgage on the trailer and the balloon payment came due.
$15, 983 for a final payment on a trailer that originally cost $6000...well damn.
I should have known that was a bad move.
It's how we ended up in *this* trailer. Sigh.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

it's tough to have a crush when it only leaves you blue

There is so much injustice in this world. Do you remember when the police confiscated my beloved Hoveround and put her in Hoveround lock up because I rode her on the highway?
I pulled into the Dollar General parking lot after work yesterday and the cop that took my baby
away from me was chit chatting to some woman on a motorized scooter.
I walked over and said, "Why haven't you taken HER scooter away from her? You know she drove that on the road."
He said, "She doesn't have any other reliable means of transportation."
I said, "Umm, HELLO?! Do ya see I'm driving a KIA? It doesn't get any more unreliable that than." Mutter, mutter.

I'm enjoying songs from the new band "OK, Go." The video for the song "Here It Goes Again" is rather interesting. It's done entirely on treadmills. Hell, I can barely stand upright and these guys are doing stunts on electric treads. My favorite song from them is, of course, "You're So Damn Hot" with "Here..." a close second.

I was riveted to my tv set the other day when the Today Show had parents on who felt their kids
were getting too much homework. [And when I say "riveted," I mean "not at all riveted". ]
The one mother said her 1st and 2nd graders had at least an hour of homework to do
every night, and 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders had two or three hours worth. Of course, the mothers thought this was too much homework, and way too stressful.
I find that rather interesting because I'm guessing the same kids have no problem sitting in front of the tv for several hours or playing video games for hours on end, yet devoting two or three hours to LEARNING is too stressful.

I bought Holly some chew sticks. The package label read, "Pork & Beef! The two flavors dogs love the most." Hmmm, I thought the two flavors dogs love the most were ass and peanut butter.

Yesterday was the United Way's Annual Day of Caring. I tried to find a needy cop and "care" for him, but it didn't work out the way I'd hoped. Sigh. I haven't been this disappointed since they explained how he "Adopt a Cop" program really works.

Speaking of the Today Show, I watched for a few minutes Wednesday when Meredith Viera was on for the first time and again a little yesterday. NBC is trying waaaaaay too hard to make them all seem like one big happy family. It's annoying and I'm quickly reminded as
to why I don't watch the Today Show unless my boss is watching or I'm in a doctor's office with no access to the remote.

I was reading an article in the paper yesterday about a 73 year old woman who murdered her 85 year old neighbor with a hammer. When did old people stop playing shuffleboard and start killing each other?!

I also read about Kimveer Gill, the coward in Montreal who went into Dawson College and began shooting people.
On his profile at VampireFreaks he wrote: "Work sucks ... school sucks ... life sucks ... what else can I say? ... Life is a video game you've got to die sometime."
Hey, if your life sucks and you want to kill yourself, have at it. Shoot your brains out, slice the old wrists or swallow a handful of pills.
Don't drag innocent people into your drama. The thing that really
angers me is that the friggin' yellow belly didn't even HAVE the balls to kill himself. The police had to do it for him.
**UPDATE on this, now the police are changing their story again, saying he did kill himself. I guess the sad truth is, it doesn't matter who killed him. Other innocent people are paying for his selfishness and hatred.

PA gub'ner hopeful Lynn Swann said of the welfare to work program, "There is dignity in work." What an excellent way to put it, there is indeed dignity in work.
Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to take my ass and several romance novels to bed, because while there might be dignity in work,
there's a hell of a lot more fun in laying around all day doing nothing.

i get so emotional baby everytime i think of you

Ooooooooooo. NOW the police in the Bahamas are calling Daniel Smith's death "suspicious."
Apparently Anna Nicole's lawyer Howard K. Stern was also in the hospital room when Smith died. Police said they think they know how he died and are awaiting toxicology reports.
Interesting since the police originally said the death was NOT suspicious and Stern said drugs and alcohol played no part in the death.

The space shuttle lost another bolt in space. Perhaps the space shuttle was built by Kia?
The space shuttle is starting to remind me of the Starship Enterprise.
It was built to travel the galaxy and the least little bit of trouble and it shimmied and shook like my Rio with a bad air filter.

I watched "Under Fire" last night on Court TV, and my feelings are mixed. While it was interesting to watch new situations,
I'm not at all wild about seeing police officers get shot in the line of duty. I just don't think it's "entertainment"
and I really don't think those sorts of videos belong on tv. Why give other assholes ideas?
Although the officers were not fatally injured in this show, I don't think I'll watch it again

Stephen Colbert needs to STOP doing his "Formidable Opponent" segment. The one *big* problem I have with
the show is that it's too much Stephen and "Formidable Opponent" is Stephen debating with Stephen. UGH.

Whitney Houston is divorcing Bobby Brown? Who knew it would come to this?
I thought surely it would end with a drug overdose or gunfire. I never expected divorce.
I did have to laugh when one website said she was at the Ella awards looking "healthy." Umm, no.
Slightly less haggard, perhaps, but in no way did she look "healthy".

Well it's official. Britney Spears is the proud mom of another baby boy, who arrived by scheduled C section at 2 a.m.
Now I ask you, IF you could schedule the time your child would be born, why the hell would you pick 2 a.m.?! Noonish works for me.
As a matter of fact, none of my offspring were born before noon. Oh, a couple of them tried, but I squeezed really hard and held 'em in.

Jay sends this timely joke since the toy world is due to unveil a NEW Tickle Me Elmo
(I know I'm quivering with anticipation):
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the
Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she
reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel
Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant
about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the
whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind
schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself,
so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the
line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory
floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line
stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small
marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of
fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the
little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together
and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to
keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions
I gave you yesterday..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.


And that's my two cents.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

You're a bad-hearted boy-trap, babydoll, but you're so damn hott

Next week on my Hott Cop's blog, I'm going to have a "Salute to the K9 Officers Week." All K9 officers, all week. And I just *know* you're all peeing your pants in anticipation.

This morning before I zipped off to the rendering plant, I was Fabreezing the kids from
head to toe --gotta send those kids down to the river with a rock more often, the laundry's backing up--and I heard this quote from
PA Senator Rick Santorum: "In far too many families with young children, both parents are working,
when, if they really took an honest look at the budget, they might find they don't both need to."
He's exactly right. Far too many women work for the sheer joy of getting up super early and herding the kids off to school or day care to stay with strangers,
until the moms can rush home from work, cook supper and spend the evening taking care of the house and kids, leaving little time for her own interests.
What these women really need to do is marry a U.S. Senator who votes himself a pay raise 3 times in 5 years.
Maybe the same Senator who refused to vote for an increase in the $5.35 minimum wage THIRTEEN TIMES.
Because apparently if people really take an honest look at their budget, they'll find they can support their family on $10k 0r $11k a year.

I love this spam email I received yesterday: "Do you wanna fuck like a pornostar in the movie you saw yesterday?" Considering the porn movie I saw yesterday was "Ass Hole O Mio," I'll take a pass, thank you very much.

I was thumbing through yet another one of those books about people who left everything behind to travel the world in search of truth and love.
These books always end the same way: with the person admitting that what they were looking for was right with them all along,
and that you, too, can find truth and love in your every day life. It's what I call
the "Wizard of Oz Syndrome".
If you notice, people who do this never
learn the lesson right away, never at the first place on their itinerary. It's always AFTER they've traveled the globe.
Way to take a great vacation and get paid for it later.
Next time I go to Georgia to update for South, I'm going to write a book like this. I'll talk about how I left my husbands, ex-husbands,
many, many offspring and my one bedroom trailer behind and traveled alone.
I'll talk about how I discovered I'm richer than I think. (Fat chance.)

Somebody posted about one of the cop's pictures that I put on my site. They made the
comment that I was "psycho" and a "true red neck and professes to be trailer trash."
While I found the comment to be hilarious, I must respond. First of all, I'm not a "redneck." I live in PA. The only rednecks in PA are those that have moved here from down South. It's "white trash," people, get it right!!
Secondly, if posting a person's picture on the internet and saying they're handsome
makes you a psycho, there are a HELL of a lot of psychos on the internet.
The psycho thing was really funny since I never contacted the cop in the pic, nor had any desire to. BTW, the person should BE so lucky that I would stalk them, which was implied in other comments. Mike South, who never missed an opportunity to tell me I was a "lousy stalker" because I had no desire to meet him and no desire to stand on his front lawn screaming "LOVE ME, MIKE!!! said THIS the other day,
and I'm putting it in bold so nobody misses it:
South: ok im gonna say it
you were an ideal stalker
very low maintenance
Me: well FINALLY
South: yes yes
all stalkers should adopt your methodologies
Me: you don't miss the water till the well runs dry as gramma used to say
And I gotta admit, I miss stalking him. It was a hoot.

I was listening to one of my favorite singer/song writers today, Carly Simon. I miss her songs.
I have at least ten of her albums, "Boys In The Trees" and "Come Upstairs" being my favorites. "Hello, Big Man," was the one I liked the least.
Her lyrics always made sense, unlike Stevie Nicks.
I've liked Stevie for a long time, too. I don't understand 95% of what she sings, but I forgive her.
Carly's songs always told a story and always had a little of what she learned in them.
One of my favorite songs is, "We Have No Secrets," in which she brags about how her and her man tell each other everything,
and how sometimes that's not a good thing.
"In the name of honesty
In the name of what is fair
You always answer my questions
But they don't always answer my prayers."
I have her Torch cd and I listen to that a lot. It features Carly singing old songs
like, "I Got It Bad (And That Ain't Good)," and "I Get Along Without You Very Well".
And I love, love, love the picture of her on the cover of Torch. It's so sexy.

Awww, sad news. The mama panda at the Bejing zoo accidentally crushed her new baby.
When they showed the new baby at the Georgia zoo the other day, I remembered wondering how in the world
that huge, lumbering bear handles that tiny cub. People say animals don't have feelings--pffft on you, idiots--and
yet the mother bear was wailing after they removed her dead cub.

Bugs sends me this story about Starbucks refusing to honor their own coupon. Whoever came up with this
dumbazz internet coupon idea HAD to know that it would take off like wildfire. Look how quickly virus emails spread.
Give away something FREE and I can't even fathom how rapidly people would be forwarding.
Now some woman who feels "betrayed"--*cough*dramaqueen*cough*--is suing. Figures.
Starbucks IS wrong, IMHO. They put the coupon out there and they need to pony up and honor it.

BTW, my husband called today to tell me he wanted me bad!
LOL...only Mushy's gonna get that.

Monday, September 11, 2006

next stop chi'town lido put the money down let her roll

Yesterday was the first time I've attempted to watch the coverage of 9/11 and clearly I'm still not ready.
I can't even fathom going to see a movie about it.
I turned in for the moment of silence but as soon as I started seeing images of it, I had to turn it off.
I slept in the morning of September 11th, 2001, and woke to several messages on my answering machine from
a friend from California asking me if I was ok and telling me to turn on my tv. I couldn't figure out the connection.
Later I realized he was referring to the plane that went down here in Pennsylvania, not that far from me.
When I turned on the tv, I had no idea what I was witnessing. It seemed like a horrible scene from a movie unfolding before my eyes.
And I watched and watched for days, hoping they were going to miraculously find all these people alive,
because that sort of stuff happens all the time in the movies, right?
Movies 1
Reality 0
I guess we have to be grateful for those who were found.
I've never been to the memorial in Shanksville even though it's not that far from where I live.
I *say* I want to see it, but something stops me from going.
I suspect it's the same thing that stops me from watching the 9/11 coverage.
Speaking of Shanksville, I can't believe those ASSHOLES from Fred Phelp's church in Wichita showed up at the
9/11 ceremony yesterday to protest.
They're the same IDIOTS who protest at military funerals and think all these deaths are about the U.S. accepting homosexuals.
Yes, with all of the horrible things taking place in this world God is sitting up in Heaven obsessing about who we have sex with.

I heard a news report today that said the majority of the people polled were willing to give up some personal freedoms in exchange for being more secure. What a bunch of shit.
We've given up a LOT of our personal freedoms and we are no more secure today than we were five years ago. Ironically, in the same poll, more people admitted to being afraid of attacks NOW than they did when surveyed previously.

Ok, on to other things....

You know what I would really like to see and I hope the weather folks accommodate me here.
The next time there's a threat of hurricane, I'd like one of the weather guys to stand outside in the wind so I can see how hard it's blowing. My blonde brain cannot wrap itself 60, 70, or 80 mph winds, and that would just be an excellent demonstration.
*Now if you'll excuse me, I need a moment to wipe the sarcasm from my keyboard. Otherwise it gets all sticky.*

I was really surprised to hear that not only did Anna Nicole give birth to her baby already,
but her grown son passed away, supposedly just three days after she gave birth.
Apparently he died IN her hospital room. He flew in to see her, then spent the night in a chair in her room, and when she tried to wake him, he was unresponsive. That is really sad.
Hopefully her new child will in some way comfort her while grieving for her son.
I've never read who fathered her new daughter.
As flaky as she is, she certainly can be closed mouthed about things when she wants to be.

John O'Hurley as the host of Family Feud? Awww, come on. Why did they fire Richard Karn? Sure he had a bit of difficulty coming up with jokes on the sly, but he was more down to earth and friendly towards the contestants than John is. John's too stiff. And not in a good way.

I heard a line on COPS tonight that I'd like to hear from a hott cop: "Spread your legs....." I try to behave, really I do. (Nah, I don't;)

There is a growing trend on the radio that really annoys me. You're listening to what you think is a "conversation" between the announcers but you're really listening to a scripted commercial. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!
They've been doing this sort of thing for diet aids for a while, and now they're expanding it to talk
about Atlantic Broadband's phone/cable deal and even area restaurants. Totally pisses me off because it's so damn sneaky. Until you've heard the same "conversation" ten times.

And that's my two cents.

September 11, 2001

Sunday, September 10, 2006

oh chariot your golden waves are walking down upon this face

I was watching a movie on Lifetime. You know, the "women's channel."
So naturally the movie was dark and depressing, filled with things like adultery, lying and stalking.
And as if that weren't sad enough, a Baldwin was part of the main cast.
The husband and wife in the movie were having problems. He was out of work and drinking all the time, she felt neglected.
(See? Typical Lifetime fare.)
She went away on a trip and had an affair. If there's one thing I've learned from watching the soaps,
the quickest solution to getting your husband to pay attention to you is to have an affair. Works every time.
If you do try this, you'll want him to use a condom. Cuz if there's one other thing I've learned from watching
soaps it's that if you sleep with two guys, a "who's the daddy?" storyline will ensue.
Worked like magic in this movie. The woman came home from her trip, her husband
was waiting with cold booze and lit candles, and his "I was an ass" speech all ready.
The twist to the movie was his new boss was also the guy she had an affair with.
Of course, through it all the husband was *totally clueless* to the affair, even
when his wife and boss were dancing nose to nose right under his nose.
I once emailed Lifetime to complain about the content of their movies.
Their "movies for women" were full of distubring content, like murders, adultery, suicides, stalking, addiction,
kidnappings, eating disorders and any other fear inducing topic.
They responded with a "thank you so much for your email about Lifetime. We're happy you enjoy the channel and we hope you'll continue to watch" form letter.
Lifetime really cares about it's viewers and it shows.

The commercial for the game show Star Face makes me laugh and cringe every time I hear it. The dad is calling the video
store and he says "Do you have that movie with that guy? You know, the one that has the father and they live in that place?"
It sounds like many, many conversations Mr. G and I have had. Frighteningly enough, he usually knows who I'm talking about.

I was really sore when I rolled out of bed yesterday morning.
We've GOT to stop having sex to "Yackity Sax."

I was at the grocery store the other morning and as I walked passed the community bulletin board I noticed a piece of notebook paper with the words "I
am looking for a good woman between the ages of 40 and 50. Interested in a realationship? Call me at...blah blah"
I had to resist the overwhelming urge to scribble "YOU BIG CHEAP ASS!! AT LEAST PAY FOR AN AD IN THE PAPER!!" across the ad...
Probably the kind of guy who takes his dates to "restaurants" with drive through windows.

Once again, I had to make the offspring take all the newspapers back to the box.
How many times do I have to tell them to steal something I can make a profit on at least?!
Guh. You think you're teaching your kids well and they don't even have the common sense to steal something valuable.

South was giving me advice on my writing yesterday. He said I should just be myself and forget all the COPS crap.
I didn't get as far as I am in this world--pretty much nowhere--by listening to what other people thought.
So, speaking of COPS, last night's segment with the cheating spouse was insane. I can understand the reason
the guy who caught his wife with another guy would sign the release to appear on tv, it was all about the payback.
But why in God's name would the cheater and the cheatee agree to appear on the show?! The really ironic thing is that at one point
the cheater turned to her husband and asked him if he was going to tell everyone she slept with someone else.
The guy cleverly evaded the issue--I'm guessing because the deputy was standing right there--by
saying, "Did those words come out of my mouth?" Guyspeak for "hell yeah'.

My friend David called from South Dakota last night and began the conversation with, "Me and my buddies
did something this week and I called to tell you about it."
I said "If it involves a canoe trip and somebody squealing like a pig, speak slowly and give me lots of details."

I started to read "Vermont Valentine" from Kristin Hardy last night and I got about 85 pages into it before I tossed it.
Let me just say waaaaaaaaaay to much information about the maple borer and how it destroys the trees,
and waaaaaay too little focus on the romance. When I'm reading a romance novel, if I see
sentences like, "The tree lined streets of Blah Blah hadn't always been that way. Before the Industrial Revolution..." my eyes immediately glaze over.
I don't read romances for travelogues OR history. If I want to learn, I'll pick up a text book. I'm reading for the thinly disguised smut, damn it.
My eyes go right to words like "swollen, throbbing manhood" and "her wet glistening lips," and I'm not referring to the ones on her face.


One of my co-workers told my boss that she thought I was pissed at her because I didn't talk to her much yesterday morning.
I am not a talker in the morning and this Gabby Sue wants to talk about politics at 7 in the morning.
Hell, I don't like to talk about politics any time of the day, let alone first thing in the morning.
I like to get my hot tea, my butter toast and log onto my laptop.....until 4 p.m.
Let's face it, most mornings it's just me and the Lab, so "our" "conversation" consists
mainly of the following questions: "Is that Holly's?" "Do my toes belong in Holly's mouth?" "Is that Holly's toy?"
"How many times are we going to have this conversation about you chewing up all my wash cloths?!" Scintillating, yes?

Mr. G said something yesterday that was both disturbing and comforting. He saw a picture of my
mother when she was in her 20's and he said, "Your mother was a pretty good looking woman..." wait for it....wait for it....wait for it...."too
bad she's always such a bitch." Sigh. It was the first part of the comment that disturbed me, cuz I have to agree with
the latter half. But, it was also comforting in that he always tells me how much I look like my mother.
Thankfully, when he says that about me he doesn't add the bitch comment. Not outloud anyway.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Tod Ozmun quits

Personally I'm sorry he had to quit. In this day and age, this is a bunch of bullshit.



___________________________________
The police chief, the mayor and a councilman from this small, southwestern Oklahoma town resigned Friday, saying they were fed up with the public attention and criticism they received after the chief's wife appeared in various nude poses on a Web site and the photos began circulating around town.


Chief Tod Ozmun


"This has turned into a media circus," Chief Tod Ozmun said Friday. "I don't feel like me staying in office is going to benefit my department or my staff. This has turned into a mess. This is ridiculous, absolutely ridiculous."

Dozens of local residents had called for Ozmun's resignation, but the City Council decided last week that Doris Ozmun's adult pictures were protected by the First Amendment. A prosecutor had called for an investigation.

The chief read a statement from Clifford Barnard, the councilman who resigned:

"The citizens' concerns that we were not enforcing religious and moral beliefs was very heartfelt and I don't want to be associated with their moral or religious beliefs because I've never read anywhere in the Good Book that the Lord wanted us to persecute those that did not hold the same morals or values."

Mayor Dale Moore also resigned.

"I think this is wrong and I won't put up with it," he told The Oklahoman. "I don't want to work in a community like this."


Shirely Anderson, who served as Snyder's mayor for five years until 1995 and whose husband, Billy Ray Anderson, was mayor for eight years before that, has been critical of the chief and his wife.

"They have no morals as far as I'm concerned," said Shirley Anderson. "That's the whole thing I think - morals. You should have respectable people in office. They need to go somewhere else where this is accepted."

Earlier Friday, the chief said the whole issue involving his 43-year-old wife had been blown out of proportion.

"People in this country do what she does on a daily basis," he said. "It's absolutely ludicrous. Makes no sense at all."

He said he has had lengthy discussions with his wife about the photos but does not tell her what to do.

"My wife is 6-foot-3 and weighs 300 pounds," he said. "If there is somebody that thinks they can control her, have at it. I have tried for 11 years and haven't been able to."

Demands for his removal reached a head at a packed City Council meeting last week. Council members met in executive session and Moore emerged with a statement saying no laws had been broken:

"As Mayor and council of the city of Snyder ... we do not endorse pornography; however, we do endorse an individual's rights under the First Amendment of freedom and expression."

But the bad feelings over the photos continued.

"I understand that it's probably not against the law. But you have to say it's a bad thing," Jim Toma, owner of Toma Discount Food, said Thursday at his store one block away from City Hall.


Cristen Edgar, a 16-year-old student at Snyder High School, also felt strongly about the issue.

"I don't think it's right for him to be the chief of police and for his wife to be doing what she's doing," Edgar said.

"They were vulgar," Larry Dismore, owner of Larry's Drugs in Snyder said of the photos, some showing the chief's wife with an American flag draped off her shoulder.

Tod Ozmun, 34, chief since January 2005, said he first met his wife 11 years ago. He said she is his former police partner.

He said conservative Oklahoma attitudes have a lot to do with all the attention being paid to his wife's photos.

"It's only the narrow-minded people that will scream the loudest," he said. "I'm from Hawaii originally. Oklahoma is a different kind of place. We were one of the last states in the nation to legalize tattooing."

He said he has received hundreds of e-mails, with about 70 percent from people who say he has been unfairly criticized.

Doris Ozmun, who was paroled in March 2005 after spending two years in the state prison system on drug-related charges, has an unlisted telephone number and has not been at her place of employment to comment.

She earlier told The Oklahoman she had decided to remove the photos from the Internet.

"I just don't understand," she told the newspaper. "I could if I had done something illegal, or if I had murdered someone. But this is amazing.

"You know what I call this? I call this a witch-hunt."

Kiowa County District Attorney John Wampler has asked the Oklahoma State Bureau of Investigation to look into the matter. Wampler has said the photos would not be protected under the First Amendment if they could be shown to meet the legal threshold for impermissible obscenity.

"In my opinion, the photos that I was shown are obscene based on local community standards," he said. "Whether a court would agree may be a different matter."

Friday, September 08, 2006

now if you're feeling low and the fish won't bite you need a lil bit of soul to put you right

In all this frenzy about Doris Ozmun posing nude, everybody wants to see what Doris looks like. Hell, I want to see what her police chief HUSBAND Tod looks like! Anybody have a pic???

Check it out, guys who can't figure out a way to get out of marriage.
I never thought I'd say this in a million years, but Brad Pitt might be a genius.
He's come up with the most noble reason ever to not marry: he won't marry until all restrictions are dropped
and everyone is permitted to marry. I guess Brad has conveniently forgotten he was already married.
Guess he wasn't feeling so noble back then.
I'm not buying it though. Remember when that Baldwin brother--his name doesn't matter they're
all equally annoying--promised to leave the country
if Bush won the election, then he double crossed us and stuck around?
I even had my "YAY!! There's one less Baldwin in the USA!!" t shirt all made up.

Last night when I came home from work, Mr. G said, "You used the stove at work, didn't you?"
I said, "How can you tell?"
He replied, "You only have one eyebrow."
We have a gas stove at work, while I am used to the offspring cooking on an electric stove at home.
I have never felt comfortable around a gas stove, and
I find that hot oil and an open flame are not a good combo.
The other day at work I decided to have a burger for lunch so I fried one up and
I removed the lid of the pan, and stepped back from the stove, pan in hand, so that I could flip the burger
without sending any grease flying into the flame.
*Note to self: step back and THEN remove the lid of the pan...*
Well, apparently I wasn't as adept at flipping a burger as I thought, and a flame shot up in the air,
easily two feet high. I just kinda stood there holding
the pan till it subsided, praying that the ceiling didn't catch on fire. I didn't want to have to
explain that one to the firemen...or my bosses.

Because he has still made no move to get a job and because he persists in this "taking the summer" off fantasy,
I made Male Offspring #1 take one of those aptitude tests. You have to answer a
bunch of questions and they tell you the top three careers you might be good at.
He's well suited to be an arsonist, a serial killer or a wedding consultant. Sigh.
No way am I letting him be a gay ass wedding consultant!

Even though I kicked Male Offspring #1 out of the trailer and made him move into the shed, he
still manages to sneak in for a meal now and then.
So I found it odd that I hadn't seen him at the table in 48 hours. I asked Male Offspring #6 why his brother wasn't
eating meals here and he said, "Oh, he's still eating all those Rice Krispy treats we stole for him from the Diabetes Fair."
Me (aghast that they had stolen anything...and not shared it with me first): "You STOLE Rice Krispy treats for him?"
MO#6: "Yeah, he paid us 50 cents for each treat."
Me: "Ummm, does he realize he can hike it right up over the hill to Dollar General and buy them 4 for a dollar?"
MO#6: "Sure! That's why only paying 50 cents each was such a great deal for him!"
Sigh. I guess I can cross "famous mathematician" off Male Offspring #1 (and #6's) list of possible career choices.

CRAP with a capital C.R.A.P.
FX took COPS off their afternoon schedule!!!
Just what I need: fifteen more episodes of Spin City a day.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

goin up to the spirit in the sky that's where i'm gonna go when i die

I read this interesting quote from George MacDonald last night:
"God will help us when we cannot walk, and He will help us when we find it hard to walk, but He cannot help us if we will not walk."
It is at times like this, my friends, when the Hoveround comes in handy.

Good Steeler game last night. Even better half time sex/bj.
Yes! The tradition continues!
Made even more fab by my Hitachi Wand. Abracadabra, kids. It works like magic!
Ahhhh, I heart football season.
Holly, on the other hand, hates football season and any other season we have sex.
We shut the bedroom door on her
and she sat out in the hallway
doing her Scooby Doo impressions.

During the third quarter of the game, they showed them making sandwiches at the stadium.
The guy was using his damn bare hands to scoop up what looked like sauerkraut and slapping it on buns.
GROSS. Guess they've never heard of plastic gloves.

I'm probably going to Hell for this, but whatever.
God has list of numerous items to choose from, I'm just adding one more.
It'll make His job easier.
I was yakking with my gf yesterday and she mentioned the mayor of Pittsburgh dying and how she thought
his funeral was going to be on tv. I told her that it had been on tv. She asked what time.
I said, "Half past The Young and The Restless, a quarter till The Bold and The Beautiful."
No matter what happens in Picksburgh, it's GOT to be talked about in that 12:30 p.m. time slot.
And they're always *finished* talking about it by the time As The World Turns comes on.
I've decided this is simply because that's a soap I do not watch, and all the Pittsburgh media seem to know this.
And may I just add it seemed like the longest freaking drive to the cemetery on record?!
Probably not for the mayor, though...

I'm usually pretty anal about making sure my credit cards are mailed in on time because of all the
tricky new rules the cc industry has to slap you with fees. My one cc used to be due around the 15th, but suddenly I've noticed it's
due around the 10th. Last night I was panicking trying to decide whether or not the bill would make it to New Hampshire by Sunday.
I decided to do an over the phone payment instead. The little fuckers at Chase charged me FIFTEEN BUCKS to do that transaction,
which probably took them all of two seconds via computer. But I had to weigh fee that against the fact that now if you're late
with one credit card ALL credit card companies can raise your interest rates on your existing cards. How that is even legal is beyond me.

Alex tells me the critics have panned "Til Death" and are comparing it to a rehashed "Married With.." sans the children.
I usually find that if a show is "critically acclaimed," I hate it. And when they hate it, I seem to like it.
I just hope that Brad Garrett doesn't
constantly (bitterly) rag on marriage the way it seems in the first ep. A little of that goes a long way.
I don't like the stereotypical view of marriages that are portrayed on most televsion shows.
Marriages that are boring and stale, and sex is this difficult chore no one wants to do.
The truth is there ARE times we'd both rather sleep than have sex, and we're open enough to just admit it and move on.
As for "Til Death," the newly weds that move in next door have the last name of Woodcock and those jokes got old quickly.
I did have to laugh when Brad Garrett looked out the window at another neighbor's house
and said, "The Ruperts bought groceries again today. They just went to the market yesterday. What the hell's going on over there?"
And I liked it when Joely Fisher said they were going jogging, but Brad refused.
She insisted she was going anyway.
One minute she was warming up and
the next she was curled up next to him on the couch watching Ellen and eating pork rinds.
I like Fisher and Garrett together and this is a show I'll watch again. You know, *if* I remember.

The show that follows it looked bad even in the commercials.
It shows a chick eating a pizza while bitching about how she can't fit her ass into her jeans.
Great. Another half hour of listening to an anorexic actress talking about how fat she is....
I'm not even wasting my time on that tripe.
Here's a challenge to the Hollywood writers: write a funny sitcom about women without ONCE ever mentioning their weight.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

it's a hell of a long way home

Show of hands, who really gives a shit about Tom Cruise's kid? Not only do I not give a shit, I fail to see
why it's so "news worthy" of Katie Couric's first broadcast on CBS. It's entertainment, not news. But you know what this means, right?
The next time Cruise needs a member of the press to put a good spin on something,
CBS news will kiss his ass. And isn't it interesting how Tom suddenly decided to apologize to Brooke Shields?
He waited all this time and now that his production company booted him and he's not as
well liked by the public, he decides to pony up. Pfft.
I've never seen his appeal. I think he's too pretty for me.
Hell, I think I can count on two fingers all of the Tom Cruise movies I've seen, including the
one that was filmed here in my little corner of the world.
Question, though, do you watch the news for the anchor person? (Of course, this excludes the Naked News. I pretty much have my answer there.)
I LIKE Robin from CNN, but I don't tune in just to see her. I tune in to hear the news. BUT I will turn the news off when an anchor person I don't like comes on.
What about you?
Bugs sends this link about our servicemen and women.

Ok, I totally hate Justice. I gave it another shot and the cast ruins the whole damn show for me.
I don't like any of them.
Victor Garber sucks, as does the female lawyer, Rebecca Mader.
Garber is just plain obnoxious.
Here's where I give away the ending just to ruin it for WW.
(Kidding. Just kidding.)
Looking forward to watching Brad Garrett's new sitcom "Til Death" tonight.
I like Joely Fisher and I think they have a good chemistry together.
I just hope it's not another replay of Everybody Loves Raymond because after the first season or so they turned
Deborah's character into a screaming, nagging shrew.

I have been staying up waaaay past midnight this last week.
My butt is going to be dragging when I have to get up for work at 5:30 a.m.

Nooooo! As if the fried mac 'n cheese didnt sound tasty enough, now TGI Fridays has green bean fries!

Concerning the police chief's job and his wife's porn job, Bugs writes: "I feel the same way you do....as long as s/he doesn't
use city property (and why would they? did the city furnish them with their own computer? does that mean that they can't buy crappy
tchotchkes on ebay without a kickback to the city?) to further her career, everything is hunky dory. And as far as the residents of the city....
you don't go for that sort of thing....don't look. Bryan Norton should worry about what his kid is learning at school.
If it weren't Doris that kid was looking at, I'm damned sure that it would have been someone else.
Would Bryan Norton like to hire someone else for the job....perhaps someone who is an idiot and has
no idea how to police a city....maybe Mr. Norton thinks he could do a better job."
What made me laugh was the way it was stated in the article that people WENT LOOKING for pics of her and
passed them around town, so it's not like she's putting this out there herself.
In other words, they wouldn't know the pics were there if they weren't perusing porn sites themselves.
They, more so than Doris Ozmun, seem to be the root of the problem, and
I guess they need to be run out of town, too, cuz they don't "share their morals" either.
I do think, though, that when someone decides to do sex work of any kind, they need to consider all of the ramifications for all of the family.

what do you all think?

Should he lose his job or keep it? And should that decision be based solely on HIS work record or his wife's "work record," too?

Oklahoma Police Chief's Job On The Line Because of Wife's Porn Career:

"An Oklahoma police chief's job is in jeopardy and his town is in an uproar, all over what his wife does for a living.

Police Chief Tod Ozmun and his wife Doris live in Snyder, just west of Lawton. However, the chief's wife is known worldwide for her work as a plus-sized model on a pornographic Web site.



Officials said the Snyder mayor is requesting an investigation by the Oklahoma State Bureau of Investigation. Technically, the mayor cannot request an OSBI investigation. However, the district attorney's office can, and officials said the focus of any such investigation would be to determine whether city computers were used for the pictures and if that violates the city's charter.

"This came to light because some of the people in town went onto the Internet to download pictures of her and started passing them out around the citizens here in town," said Mayor Dale Moore.

Moore said he's trying to decide what's best for Snyder -- to keep a chief who many believe doesn't share their morals or to fire a man who's keeping residents safe.

"He's done more drug arrests, solved more crimes than anybody else in town has ever done," Moore said.

Resident Bryan Norton said he wants the chief fired.

"When our kids come home from school telling us that the chief's wife is a porno queen, how do you answer that?" said Norton.

Last week, the Ozmuns agreed to sit down with Eyewitness News 5 for an exclusive interview, but their attorney advised against it on Tuesday.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

i'm leavin on a jet plane, don't know when i'll be back again

I haven't had or craved pasta in months since we started this "no sugar" eating proram BUT today I
saw a commercial for FRIED MAC N CHEESE and now I can't stop thinking about it and lusting after it!!!
Has anybody tried it? If you have, please tell me that while it sounds yummy, it tastes awful so I can get back to craving chocolate.

Anybody who has been reading my journal for awhile knows that I try with my kids. I really, really (almost, sorta kinda) (give a shit) try with my offspring.
I promised to take them to the county fair but something important came up (Court TV cop shows marathon) and I was unable to take them. BUT I promised to take them to the fair, by God, and last night that's exactly what I did. I loaded them all into the Riomobile and took them to the fair...the Diabetes Fair! It was chock full of all the things kids love: sharp pointy objects, blood and a free sugary snack, because we all know there's no better comfort food than a Rice Krispies marshmallow treat after finding out you're at risk for diabetes.
(The scary thing is it was held at a hospital, where you'd think the idiots would know better...)
They tested all my offspring and I found out which ones were at risk for diabetes, which ones were at risk for stealing diabetes supplies
(they'll be going to the drs. office with me next time so they can snatch some free tongue depressors for me)
and which ones were at risk for being a smart ass. None of them fall into the first category, most of them fall into the second category and they *ALL* fall into that last category.

I loved the way Katie Couric promised to do things "differently" on the CBS Evening News. It showed her (GASP!) standing and reading! OMG! Katie stands! And reads! Wow, wish I could do that. She's also asking for help with her "sign off." How about "...and that's the news. Until tomorrow...FUCK OFF!"
They're using a less formal set, too, to make it appear more cozy and friendly, hoping to lure in the women viewers.
Let's get real, I watch the news to hear the news, not because I think Katie Couric wants to be my friend.

Poor little Male Offspring #7. He came to me earlier in the week and asked me where he came from. I felt he was ready to hear the whole truth. Sooooo I sat him down
and told him where babies come from. I explained to him how sometimes Mommys get drunk and they make stupid mistakes and have sex with guys they don't know, don't love and won't ever see again called "Daddys".
Then I dragged out the video tape and showed his real birth.
(I have a video tape of every one of my births. The minute the kids bitch about cooking or cleaning being "hard work," I slap one of the tapes in and make them watch.)
Afterwards he got really quiet and I asked him if he had any questions.
He said, "I just wanted to know if I came from Pennsylvania or New Jersey...."
Oops. My bad.
Now he's even MORE upset because Male Offspring #5, the Jebus nut, keeps telling him he has to be "born again."
I can only imagine what's going on in his head right now. No wonder the poor kid keeps hiding under the bed...

Damn it. I took a test over on Zal's LJ and apparently I belong in the 60's! 1964 to be exact. With all THE HIPPIES!!

ATP: "If someone said Goddess died doing what she loved...i'd think...she was watching Cops?"
Me: "Or jilling off to cops...."
Leaving on The Big O would be a great way to go.

and another thing....

One final note on the Duggar's. Things are working out well for them now because they're raising
a bunch of "yes men" and "yes women," but all it's going to take to bring the whole organization to it's knees is one tiny
dissenter. That's right. One kid with a spine and a mission.
One kid who doesn't want to help out, one kid who didn't ask to be born, one kid who thinks doing good for others is "stupid".
And I should know because my group is FULL of dissenters! Chaos rules!!

across the great divide

Last night I said to Mr. G, "I can't believe three days of my seven days off are over already."
He said, "This is Monday night, not Sunday night."
Noooooooooooo! FOUR days gone!

Every time I log off Yahoo mail, I see those video personals ads, and the one guy
looks "incredibly" gay, and I was positive he was matched with a guy.
So this afternoon I watched some of them and son of a gun, if he wasn't matched with a chick.
Could have knocked me for a loop.

Ok, I don't know who is in charge of putting these World's Scariest Police Chase shows together, but enough is enough. It's pathetic enough that we have to put up with John Bunnell's bullshit, but having to listen to the same jackass in the helicopter NO MATTER WHAT STATE THE CHASE TAKES PLACE IN, is just plain stupid. It's obvious his running commentary is added afterwards, and 95% of it is totally pointless stuff we can figure out for ourselves. "Oh! He crashed into that car!" or ""Oh! He narrowly missed that truck!" or "Oh! He's getting away!" UGH.

It's bad enough that Bugs has me hooked on that damn Sandra Lee and her semi homemade show,
now she has me watching the Duggar family shows. The Duggars, in case you don't know, are the family from Arkansas with 16 kids.
Now, first of all, as a mother of 16 kids let me say there's not a damn thing wrong with having 16 kids!!
Unless you're supporting them all via welfare or a home based pharmaceutical business.
According to their website, after a miscarriage caused by birth control pills, the Duggars gave God control of their reproduction. What
a bunch of SHIT. Just because you're not smart enough to avoid sex when you're ovulating, doesn't mean it's a sign God wants you to keep pumping out kids.
I just HOPE the Duggar females aspire to something OTHER than being a human incubator for 16 or 17 years of their life.
One problem with having a family this size is that the older children become built in babysitters and I don't think that's fair to them.
Case in point, coming out of the ultrasound room, the mother says, "I'm definitely look forward to holding that baby in my arms. There's nothing like it in the world,"
and yet who is walking the smaller kids out of the office? Not mom and not dad. The older kids.

. On a more comical note, in the first show, the mother was pregnant with the 16th child and they all filed into the room to see the ultrasound
and find out whether or not the new baby was a boy or a girl. After 15 kids, who the hell cares?!
BTW, in none of this, have I heard her refer to a child by name.
She usually says "the boys," "the girls," or "the little ones." That's because she has no idea what their names are.
Welcome to my world, Mama Duggar.
And really as long as you have expressions like "hey!" and "you there!" names aren't really necessary.

When they go on trips, the Duggar always wear red so they can easily round up their tribe. I've never color coordinated my offspring.
I couldn't embarrass them that way.
I usually make them wear big cardboard signs around their neck stating their place in the household, like "Male Offspring #2" or "Female Offspring #6."
If they get in trouble and a police officer should drag them over to me and ask if they belong to me, as a loving mother, the first
thing I ask is, "What did they do?" If it's something serious, naturally I've never seen that child before and I have no idea
who it belongs to. If it's not that serious, I'll admit to having spit them out of my uterus and then give them a swift kick in the ass when the cop's back is turned.


The Duggars have family rules. Here are a few of them:
Always use soft words even when you don't feel well; Show joyful attitude even when no one is looking; Always display kind actions; Use one toy at a time; Never raise a hand to hit, never raise a voice to yell; Always give a good report of others; Don't go to bed angry or guilty; Think pure thoughts.
Clearly these people are not normal.
Here are a few Goddess family rules: Never hit your siblings hard enough to leave a mark; Dead hamsters are flushable; It's perfectly acceptable to poop & pee in the yard if the bathroom is occupied; if you see your sibling wants a toy, make sure you grab it first and refuse to give it up;
The squeaky wheel and screaming child get the grease and the last cookie; Don't hide your cigarettes and beer were Mom can find them or she'll raid your stash.

Their new home is gorgeous and not exactly the result of paying cash for everything, as they intimate.
According to one site "several sponsors donated food and appliances for the new home..."
From the rows and rows of soup and bread, I'm guesing Campbells and Sara Lee are two of the
companies who donated food. I'm guessing the designer's services and furniture were also donated.
Things change considerably when ya pimp your family's privacy out in exchange for 'stuff'.
I'm gonna start working on that right now....

Sunday, September 03, 2006

through this world i've stumbled so many times betrayed

Male Offspring #5 is BEGGING me to drive him to Ohio to see this.



Instead I think I'll let him go out on the bus, then
have him casually "drop in" at Bugs' place claiming he lost his wallet and needs a place to stay overnight. And moola for the bus ride back.
(Oh, she'll give it to him, trust me. Five minutes of listening to him "rap" Bible verses and she'll be more than willing to hand over money to get rid of him.)
Damn. Hope she doesn't read this for a few days or my "free hotel" scheme will be kaput.
Male Offspring #5 has been begging and pleading to see this,
and apparently my perfectly logical, "honey, if you've seen one big cement Jesus coming out of the ground, you've seen them all" excuse is falling on deaf ears.

Ya know, I've pondered this many times and I still can't figure out how Male Offspring #5's father's satanic spermazoa mixed with my deviled eggs has produced a Jebus freak?? I would have thought a Judas/Doubting Thomas combo, if anything.

BTW, it probably took all of about five minutes after erecting a ..*cough cough* ..monument
like this, for some one to pull this cheesy stunt.


Poor Ben Roethleisberger can't catch a break. Now he's been sidelined due to an emergency appendectomy.

how much is that doggie in the window? the one that doesn't listen worth shiiittt

MSN had yet another fascinating (and when I say "fascinating" I mean "space filling article") article
entitled: ten things every dude should have in his closet. They were: sunglasses (in your closet?! floor of your car, maybe...), white oxford shirt,
cashmere v-neck sweater, dark jeans, white shirt, black lace ups, cedar shoe trees, overnight bag, navy suit, medium width tie.
Ok, guys who read this, how many of
those do you have in your closet? And did you really need an article to tell you to get them?
Mr. G has five of them and he's your "average guy." Cedar shoe trees? Yeah, right. That's a metrosexual list if ever I've heard one.
Guys, here's the ten things you REALLY need in your closet:
1. Blonde blow up doll
2. Another blonde blow up doll in case you get a tad too excited and the first one breaks.
3. Back up to the back up blow up doll--brunette--for when your sense of self esteem is low and you think you're too uglee to land a hot blonde.
4. Navy and/or black suit.
5. Wingtips cuz I think they're sexy. 'Nuff said.
6. Porn--hidden well to the back in case Mom drops in.
7. Crisp white dress shirt because...see # 5.
8. Long shoe horn to scratch your wife's back. And your scrotum.
9. Tie that doesn't clip on.
10. If you're gay (or Mr. Rogers), several of those sweaters to wear tied around your neck.
(Straight guys, avoid sweaters that tie around your neck. They scream, "I'm gay and I don't know how to dress myself!!!")

Ok, America, I'VE HAD IT!! I am sick and tired of people pushing foreign languages on us. It's bad enough that every set
of instructions has to come with four other sheets all in different languages, but NOW we have Chou Chou. With just a flip of a switch Chou Chou begins speaking Spanish.
You can also purchase "ethic talking Chou Chou". I guess she says stuff like "lemme axe you a question," and "who's your boo?"
Or you can buy "white talking Chou Chou". WTH?! She says things like "my daddy's in prison" and "I hope the trailer doesn't blow away in the Hurricane!"
Do these idiots not know the term "Caucasian"?
Why don't they just call her "politically correct Chou Chou" and be done with it?
The funny thing is that baby doll says stuff a two year old couldn't say.
BTW, what the hell kind of name is CHOU CHOU?!
Hmm, I wonder if this would be a good time to start guilting Santa about that Chrissy doll he never brought me??

I have returned, people! I was offline for almost--control yourselves--twenty four hours!! Did ya miss me?
It was killer. Even more killer was having to deal with the foreign Verizon jackass that spoke broken English.
This on the heels of having to deal with the DISH guy the night before.
Why, oh why have you foresaken me, tech support monkeys?!
But thankfully, the DISH dude spoke English.
Anymore when I get someone who speaks clear English, I figure I've won half the battle already. Trust me, it's truly a JOY trying to talk me through stuff like this.
Even though I basically know what they're talking about, for some reason I get really anxious when I have to deal with tech stuff.
Ask Mike South. It's truly a pleasure helping me out with computer "stuff".
When I get a person who doesn't speak English, I have this overwhelming urge to force the idiot that hired him/her to
take instuctions on how to fix their problem over the phone with them.
First of all, he was talking quietly, and I had to keep saying, "I can't hear you." Then I was dealing with the "I'm sorry, I can't understand what you're saying" bullshit.
Along with that, he was one of those people who thanked you for EVERYTHING.
"What system are you running?"
"Windows 98 Second Ed."
"Thank you for that information."
"Is this machine hardwired to the modem?"
"Yes, it is."
"Thank you for that information."
"What do you see on the screen in front of you?"
"It's my screensaver. It's a guy jacking off. Wait for it....wait for it...wait for--oh, he came!"
"Thank you for that information."
The problem was that I was not getting an IP addy for either machine. It's always fun for me to see how long the tech monkey will take to shift the blame onto someone else.
Less than six minutes into the conversation, he diserned that the problem was Gateway's. EVEN THOUGH, neither computer could get an IP addy.
He said I needed to have have my "NIC card" uninstalled and reinstalled.
At least that's what I think he was calling it. God (and apparently Mohammed) only knows.
He could have been saying "you need a complete hysterectomy" and I would have been none the wiser.
Gateway dude took almost ten minutes to send me back to Verizon. In the meantime, I decided I was sick of dealing with the problem and went to bed.
When I got up this morning, I called Verizon again and got a sharp chick, who not only spoke English,
but she knew exactly what she was doing and she got me back online in about ten minutes.
Oh, and I timed it this time: it takes over SIX MINUTES to get put in the queue for tech support on Verizon.
Six minutes of listening to that idiotic computerized chick telling you the same bullshit over and over.
I didn't sweat DISH too much because I went online and followed the steps to correcting my problem there. The only thing is I accidentally
eliminated one of my satellite's and couldn't figure out how to get it back.
All I needed to do was run one more check switch and I would have had it.

The next time I have the urge to get a dog, I'm going to have a kid instead and here's why. I've screamed the
same threats so much over the years, that all I have to do now is yell, "Hey, little red headed kid
whose dad is serving 2-4 for robbery, Parental Threat #2!"
He immediately knows he's in danger of getting a kick in the ass if he doesn't clean up his pig filthy room.
(And that I have no idea what his name is...)
If I say "Parental Threat #16!" he knows he wasn't born in a barn and he needs to shut the front door or risk getting a kick in the ass.
But with the dog, I'm forced to scream out all my threats again.
The minute I get on the phone with tech support--and this never fails--Holly starts trying to get my attention.
First she'll try nipping at me, and when that doesn't work, she'll grab wash cloths out of the hamper and start tearing them up.
While I was on the phone with Verizon and Gateway, I was typing with one hand, smacking her with the other and
making those threatening "you are sooo gonna regret this!" faces the entire time.
Oddly those faces seem to have about as much effect on her as they do the offspring, who usually counter with a goofy face of their own.
I was so tired last night that when Holly started ripping up another wash cloth, I told Male Offspring #3 to correct her.
The little brat said, "Good doggie. Goooood doggie," and earned himself a kick in the ass.