Thursday, August 31, 2006

my head is a box filled with nothing and that's the way i like it

When I very cleverly told Mr. G it was time to buy the Halloween candy, he pulled a fast one on me.
Because he and I aren't eating any sugar, he came home with 55 boxes of crayons in a Halloween box and
55 Halloween book markers. I said, "Honey, these better be chocolate crayons and chocolate book markers or someone is going to D.I.E.!!"
Alas, they are NOT made of chocolate. We're going to be the most popular trailer in the community......for the tp'ers.

Mr. G called to tell me he heard one of his "favorite people" is getting a divorce. This guy has been a thorn in his side for as long as I can remember.
He's one of these people who hold themselves in very high regard, never gives you a straight answer and insults your intelligence. Mr. G saw him recently
and he asked him what sort of work he was doing. He said, "Government job. Highly classified. But I could travel anywhere in this country that I want to at the drop of a hat." (Which is why he's stuck in an old mining town in Western Pa....) "I can't talk about it, but I'm making too much money."
Mr. G always goes to a discounted bread store to buy old bread to feed the birds. He was there yesterday and in walks his favorite person.
He immediately came over to Mr. G to once again brag about how much money he was making. He started with the "top secret government job" bullshit again,
and how he was making so much money he could hardly bank it fast enough. Mr. G said, "Is that why you drove
all the way out here to buy three day old, twenty five cent banana flips?" And then he walked away.
What a great exit line.

Bravo, FCC!! Remember I talked about how Verizon was removing one tax for $1.25 and imposing another for $1.20?
Well, consumer groups bitched (and rightly so) that they were only removing one tax to add another. The FCC wrote
them a letter asking them to explain the new tax and this week Verizon has decided to withdraw the second tax.
Wonder how long it will take Verizon to figure out a way to disguise the tax as something they can legitimately get away with?

The Catholic Church has come up with it's own plan to deal with priests who are accused of molesting children. The priests are no longer able to perform Mass and they must provide a daily journal of how they spend their time. "Drank, looked at child porn, played with myself, prayed, drank, cruised the playground, prayed, blah, blah, blah, all in the name of the Lord." If the Church finds out they've violated this incredibly difficult program, they will lose their pension and the Church will "allow" them to leave the priesthood with a lump sum compensation based on their years in the priesthood. Well, that seems fair, doesn't it?
Molest a kid and the Church will let you leave with your dignity and some of the parishoners moola.
What a kick in the teeth.
Guess the idea of kicking the perverts out on their asses because they've committed a horrible crime doesn't occur to them.

One of my co-workers got on my nerves big time this morning when she told me that Hurricane Katrina
was the direct result of God's anger about the U.S. making the people leave the Gaza Strip.
I said, "If God is a loving God, why would He send the hurricane to Louisiana? The people living there didn't
have a damn thing to do with the decisions made about the Gaza Strip." She said, "It's divine retritubtion. He's making the nation suffer."
I said, "Other than in the ratings, do you think that Bush has suffered one iota as a result of the hurricane?
Give me a break. If that was the case, wouldn't God have sent hurricanes to destroy Nazi Germany
when Hitler slaughtered the Jews? Wouldn't it have been simplier to afflict Hitler with some hideous disease?"
Gawd, I fucking HATE IT when people blame God when things occur in nature or when we're "rewarded"
with something that is a direct result of our own stupidity. When we accomplish
good in this world, we're busy patting ourselves on the back. When something disasterous happens, it's all God's fault.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

all the things she said running through my head

The humidity finally broke! Thank God. I'm tired of always having to wipe up a puddle of sweat every few minutes.

I didn't think it was possible but this afternoon I saw several segments of COPS (that's right, Mike, COPS!!) that I
hadn't seen before. And they weren't older than Jesus! The one featured hott, hott, HOTT Sergeant Tony Knox
from Des Moines, Iowa and the other featured sexy Officer Ernest Haragsin from Atlanta, Jawjuh. The second
segment contained all my favorite things: good looking cops, a trailer court and hicks. There was an argument between a 50-60 year old man,
who still lived with his mommy and his live-in girlfriend. You know it's sad when YOU live with your parents
at that age, but ladies, come on, you KNOW you've settled when YOU move in with his mommy, too, instead of insisting the deadbeat
get his own place. BTW, why is it that the people who don't own shit always have the huge guard dogs?
Another segment I hadn't seen featured mucho grande cutey
Officer Mark Smeltzer, but I didn't catch what city it originated from.

The trailer for the movie Crank looks interesting, stupid and exciting all rolled up into one.
It's the story of a guy who is injected with a Beijing Cocktail and from what I understand,
he has to keep his adrenaline going or he'll die.

Uh oh. John Mark Karr was arrested because authorties said that after months of conversations about
Jon Benet Ramsey, it was "clear he was obsessed." WTH? Just cuz you talk about something for months
and months and months, does not mean you're obsessed!
A fetish, perhaps, but an obsession? No way!

I saw a commercial yesterday for the Yellow Pages and it shows a chick pushing her
child in a wheel barrow. Underneath in small print, it says "do not attempt." Too late.
White trash folks find wheel barrows are much cheaper than strollers or baby carriages. And practical, too.
You can haul a load of bricks or wood AND the baby at the same time.
Us white trashers also like to use the tall, deep Bounty boxes for car seats. If you have to jam on the brakes, the baby won't fly out of the box,
they'll just roll around a little bit. You don't have to worry about the box flying into the front seat
either because it's so high it gets stuck on the back of the front seat. Raising kids is an expensive investment. Parents have to save anywhere they can.
As Bugs would say, "Wheeeeee!"

Mad TV had a funny segment were people had to apply for their porn star names, much like you apply
for a drivers license. They went to the Department of Porn Star Name Registration. Some of the names they
registered were: Penis DiMilo, George Pooney, Squirt Reynolds, SaDong Hussein, Hung Lo, Darth Invadeher,
Obi Come'On Bone Me, Winnie the Pooh Hole, Ronald McFondled, Sean Puffy Nipples, and Luke ThighWalker.

Monday, August 28, 2006

you know what it's like the long farewell of the hunger strike

I knew John Mark Carr was lying through his teeth.
Takes a real sicko to lie about something like that.

I don't care what you hear, I DID NOT change the locks on the trailer while the offspring were at school!
(The locksmith was too busy to get to me...)

Finally, people! I have a legitimate excuse as to why I don't remember much science, geography or history.
According to a new study, boys learn better from male teachers and girls learn better from female teachers.
Take that, Mike South! HA!
I had good looking male teachers for science, geography AND history.
I was too busy fantasizing to remember anything. Clearly it's the teacher's fault.
I never even had a male teacher until I got to high school, so to me, they were quite the sexy oddity.
And coming out of eight years of Catholic school, well, hell, my female hormones were all over the place.
No wonder I had no time for studies.

You know this is NEVER going to end, right? Now someone has seen the Virgin Mary's
face in grease from his George Foremen grill and Jesus in an oyster shell. In all this stupidity,
I think, "Where in the world is St. Joseph? Why doesn't He ever get off His barcalounger
and make an appearance in somebody's bathroom mold?"
Lazy assed slacker.

No wonder people dislike Tom Cruise when he makes idiotic statements like this:
public derogatory, sexist statements of the year.
"I have Katy tucked away so no one can get to us until MY child is born."
Incubator on, incubator off.
No wonder he won an Australian "Ernie" award for one of the worst
"The Golden Ernie for 2006 went to cruise liner company P&O, though, for an advertising campaign that
included postcards featuring bikini-clad women and the caption: 'Seamen wanted.' "

My favorite part of Reno 911 last night was when Junior was fantasizing about getting
a lap dance during the sheriff's funeral. When it was time for him to go up to the pulpit and read a poem aloud, he had a huge boner.

The local weather blog features a posting called "Behind the scenes with your severe weather team," so I checked it out.
Shows the dude wearing a blindfold tossing a dart at a dart board. One side of the dart board reads "rain," the other "no rain."
Hmmm, wonder what it could mean?

Damn, people. Now scammers are using your called ID to try and cheat you. Such schemes are made possible by technology that enables con artists to manipulate the phone number and even the name that shows up on the unsuspecting recipient's caller ID, allowing them to masquerade as officials of churches, banks and courthouses. Known as "spoofing," the endgame is to persuade consumers to reveal their Social Security numbers or other sensitive information. Spoofing is the phone industry's version of phishing, in which criminals use fake e-mails to fool computer users into divulging personal information. But phishing is so yesterday compared with spoofing, one security expert says.

And the Redneck Neighbor of the Year goes to...a man in Pennsylvania (figures) who built a fence
around his property consisting of over 200,000 tires. Sigh.

i dare you to tell me to walk on fire

"Oh happy day....When Goddess walked...Oh when Goddess walked...her kids to the bus stop..."

Last night I packed all the offspring's backpacks with paper, pencils, beer, label makers to label the nerds with, and oh, wait did I say beer?
Cuz I would NEVER let the kids take beer to school. I meant to say chewing tobaccky. Then this morning I walked them--well, they walked, I rode in my Hoveround--to the bus stop. And I made sure their little asses were on the bus and the door slammed shut behind them before I drove back to the trailer.
I didn't want to chance any of them sneaking off the bus and back home again. Brrrrrrr.....
The neighborhood is so beautifully quiet right now. It's just me naked on the bed and Holly chewing her bone on the floor. Ahh, life. Isn't it grand?


I was watching CNN yesterday and I saw the story of a guy who believes he saw John Mark Karr in Colorado in 1996.
He claims to have asked him for a cigarette light and watched him on the bus.
WHO THE HELL CAN REMEMBER PEOPLE THEY SAW BRIEFLY TEN YEARS AGO??!!
I can't even pick my own offspring out of a line up and this dude supposedly remembers something like that.


As if his appearance at the Teen Choice Awards wasn't sad enough, K Fed is going to do a stint on CSI as a "teenager" who harrasses the investigators.
Apparently there aren't any teenage actors in Hollywood-- that would explain the entire cast of Beverly Hills 90210--so 28 yr old Kevin Federline snagged the role.
Unfortunately the dude seems to have a good agent. (And when I say "unfortunately," I mean for us.)

Meredith Viera is not very smart about choosing her words wisely. Now that she left The View,
she said the show is "...hard to watch. It sort of became a joke." Nice way to piss off Barbara Walters.
I hate to be the one to tell Ms. Viera this, but the show was always a joke. Yes, even when she was on it.

I laughed and laughed yesterday when Sandra Lee of Semi-Homemade talked about
her recipe box containing "heirloom recipes". Hmm, I wonder which of her recipes are classified as "heirloom"?
Perhaps the chocolate chips in the barbecue sauce recipe? Or the booze thinly disguised as breakfast concoctions?
I also roared when she said, "I've been cooking, baking and entertaining since I was a kid."
Um, hello? How many "kids" entertain???

I was watching a new show on Spike TV yesterday called "Disorderly Conduct: Videon on Patrol."
It's some of the same vids we've seen on World's Wildest Police Vids and those types of shows, but they had some new ones I hadn't seen.
My favorite was the guy from Ochulgee who was driving drunk off his ass on his RIDING LAWN MOWER.
The officer from the K9 Task Force was following him and he could have just gotten out and walked beside him.
The dude was only going 3 MPH. At one point the officer jokingly said, "Let's apply the PIT manuever." LOL!
(The PIT manuever is where the patrol car strikes the side
of a vehicle involved in a chase, causing it to spin off the highway.)
The guy continued to drive his lawn mower down the street and he was leaning waaaaay over to the side, like he
was riding a motorcycle, until he fell right off the mower and onto the street. It was a riot to watch.
And they had one of my favorites, the cop who yanked the guy's t-shirt up on over his head when he spit on the officer.
Served the idiot right.

Are my eyes deceiving me or is the delivery "boy" in the Pizza Hut Brownie Squares
commercials the same dude who used to play little Brighton on "The Nanny"? Anybody notice?

Bugs informed me that Kathy Griffin's My Life on the D List LOST to Ty Pennington's show at the Emmy's yesterday. UGH.
As if losing to the Dog Whisperer wouldn't have been sad enough, I never even thought that Ty might give her some competition.
So I guess the Emmy folks thinks watching paint dry is more exciting than Kathy Griffin. BOO!!
Speaking of Kathy, it was ironic to see her host the "Best of the Worst Red Carpet Moments" in a dress that made her look downright matronly.

Suckiest commentator at the Emmy's? Ryan Sechrest, without a doubt.
He was right up there in the stupidity department with rude ass Itsak Mitrahe grabbing chick's boobs last year. The grossest part was when he kept asking the chicks to turn around and show their asses. Yeah, I guess that would be
his favorite part of a...*cough*hack*...(wo)man.
Ryan Sechrest to Leah Remini (at the Emmys): "So you've seen it..." (referring to Tom Cruise's baby)
Leah: "I prefer to call "it" she..."

Saturday, August 26, 2006

i've had the time of my life and i owe it all to you

Song replayed ad nasuem today: "I Dare You" by Shine Down
Hello, let me introduce you to
The characters in the show
One says yes, one says no
Decide - which voice in your head you can keep alive

ONLY ONE MORE DAY TILL SCHOOL STARTS, THANK YOU, LORD!!!!!!!

Well, the stupid nightmare is back. Just when I think I'll never have it again, I have it. I had it Friday night.
A few weeks ago, I bought one of those flashlights you shake because our flashlights are the type that only work in non-emergency situations.
If the dog's ball rolled under the bed or the cat is possibly scratching from ear mites and I need to check that out,
the batteries are so strong I can see in one ear and out the other.
If a storm blows up, we're the ones sitting in the dark, praying for morning.
Anyway, I keep the "shaky flashlight" on the book shelf near the bed so I can grab it to
see what irreplaceable item Holly has decided to chew on in the middle of the night. So while the dream usually starts with me running frantically from light switch to light switch and finding out none of them work, this time I was trying to turn on the flashlight and it wouldn't work,
so I didn't realize I was having the nightmare until after it was over.
(At one point, I had been having the nightmare so often that DURING the nightmare, I'd hear myself say, "I'm having the dream again." )
It didn't last long but it was the usual sequence: I reached for the light and it didn't work, I
went out into the hallway and everything was dark. I knew "somebody" or "some thing" was out there, but I didn't know what it was. I felt threatened, but not as afraid as I usually am when I have the nightmare. I'm thinking this might be because of Holly. I feel physically safer in the house now that I have her.
But thankfully, the nightmare was mercifully short this time. I just can't figure out what triggers it.
I'm guessing the summation of it is that there is something that I refuse to see, something that I'm afraid to look at,
I just have no idea what or who that is. Or that I'm feeling threatened by something I can't see. Before there was always a
shadowy person or figure that would elude me, but that wasn't in this dream, possibly because it didn't last long enough.
I'm hoping this was just a fluke and that I won't start having it more often again. Hell, I've been having this nightmare for 26 years.

I was reading an article in the paper about chicks who are now passing out their business cards
to good looking guys in traffic. The very first word that came to my mind was: desperation. Sorry, but it just smacks of it.
I came home and Mr. G said, "Did you read this article?" And I said I had. He said, "Doesn't she sound desperate to you?"
Bingo.

No diggity. Elton John wants to record a hip hop album with Dr. Dre. Kill me. Kill me now.

I saw a commercial for some sort of bladder medication and the pill pushers--sorry, "pharmaceutical companies"--are going so far as to
provide a listing of all the BATHROOMS across the country in vacation spots. Oy. It shows the woman trekking in Yellowstone and
she flips the page to see where the bathrooms are. Um, hello? Don't be stupid. When you're in the woods, the entire park is your bathroom.

Last night when I stopped at the store to pick up some treats for Holly, I ran into a friend of ours. It bugs me no end that he stands really close to me when he's talking to me. I HATE IT when guys get in my personal space. I'm not wild about women doing it either, but I can handle them a little better than the guys. It doesn't bother me if they're standing beside me; shoulder to shoulder is no problem. It's when they're in front of me, like a face to face situation and
I feel like they're right on top of me that I get incredibly uncomfortable. I have an overwhelming urge to scream "boundaries, people!!"

One of our neighbors bought a portable, outdoor mesh "fireplace" for want of a better word. They were sitting out last night
and they yelled over and asked if we wanted to come over and "enjoy the fire." Under his breath, Mr. G said, "are they insane?!" under his breath.
We had just come back from out walk, the sweat was
rolling off of us because it was so humid and they're huddled around a damn camp fire. Freaks!

the following is brought to you by m_ohamm_ed

I'm thinking of dumping my MSN space. I get a lot of google searches, but little else. OTHER than strange MSN chat requests. I don't get that. Why would you want to chat with someone and yet you've never even bothered to post in their blog or email them about their blog? Makes no sense to me. And these chat requests are always from people with weird ass sounding names like "mohammed_mohammed" or "mo_ham_med_mo_ham_med". Very original that last one is, btw. They never have profiles OR sites of their own, so forget it. I have to assume they're like the other presumptuous jackass who just wanted me to send naked pics of myself. And as you well know, I have no time for guys who act like that. They can continue to get fucked by their hand.
But I generally post in someone's blog before I request to chat with them, so they have some inkling of what I'm all about.

I'll just dream and stay tanned toss up my heart to see where it lands

I heard one of my all time favorite songs this morning on the way to work, "On and On" by Stephen Bishop.
I even own the album. Yes, ALBUM. Bite me.
Every time I hear it, I feel like it's my personal anthem. Sigh.
"On and on
She just keeps on trying
And she smiles when she feels like crying
On and on, On and on, On and on"

Ya gotta love these big corporations. They find a way to fuck you over every time. I received an email this morning from Verizon saying they were no longer going to charge the $1.25 monthly FUSF (Federal Universal Ser vice Fund) fee. Reason being they were no longer going to be assessed that fee themselves from their DSL supplier. In the next paragraph, they proceed to tell us that they will begin charging a $1.20 a month for DSL Supplier Surcharge. So there ya have it, folks, I'll be saving a whooping sixty cents a year on my Verizon bill. How much ya wanna bet they raise that Supplier Surcharge to OVER $1.25 before the year is over? Of course, they end the email with that fake sincerity companies are known for..." we regret having to add this fee....blah blah...but we're money grubbing hawgs."

If there comes a time in your life when you're wanting to buy a car and in a moment of INSANITY you consider
buying a Kia, may I just toss this out to you? In order to get Mr. G's 8 year old Kia to pass inspection, we had to shell out $993 this week.
That work is probably only going to last us until next year's inspection and there is ONLY 53k miles on it.
Last year we shelled out $600 to get it to pass inspection. So may I reiterate something I've said many times: Kias are ONLY a
good buy if you buy it brand new and ditch it after four or five years.

In light of the fact that we shelled out so much money for the car, I've decided that we need to cut spending at Casa de Goddess,
so I sat the offspring down last night and we had a "little conversation." Translation: I yelled while they pretended to be listening
but I knew all along they were secretkt fantasizing about what it would be like to smother me in my sleep.
The cost of cigarettes and beer alone is outrageous, so I told them that from now all we will all be drinking crappy beer, probably Rolling Rock, and we will no longer be smoking. They seemed to take the news very well, then they immediately ran out and bought five cases of chewing tobaccky.

I love the spelling bee commercials for the upcoming CBS sitcom The Class. The one where they ask the chick to spell "denial" and she asks them to use it in a sentence is hilarious. It's along the lines of "? is always falling in love with gay guys. Her friends say 'wow, is she ever in denial!'"

I guess you've heard by now that Pluto is no longer an official planet but is now a dwarf planet.
My favorite headline about this story was CNN's "Pluto Gets The Boot."

Stephen Colbert had author/physicist Janna Levin
on his show yesterday and I can honestly say I didn't understand one word that woman was saying.
Oh wait, she started a few sentences with "well" and "actually." I understood those two words.

Friday, August 25, 2006

walk like an egyptian

ONLY THREE MORE DAYS UNTIL SCHOOL STARTS AND MY LIFE BEGINS ANEW!!!!!!

Ooooo, there's a new religion (cult?) in town, kids. "Growing in Grace" manned by Jesus himself, aka some dude named Miranda, who
doesn't believe in organized religions. No wonder, he's Jesus. Anywho, Faux Jesus DOES believe in the practice of tithing,
as is "stated in the Bible." Clever how he embraces *some* aspects of organized religion. One follower donated a "tad" above
his 10%, giving Miranda a home in an exclusive gated community, which the guy then turned around and sold for millions.
What I find a bit strange about him accepting all this weatlth is this: IF Miranda really is Jesus, why does he need material goods?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but Jesus didn't exactly smother himself in gold, fancy cars, and expensive homes.
Or did I miss that part of His story? Also Miranda and his followers verbally
attack other religions, something else I didn't realize "Jesus" would do.

My sister and I were reminising about our grandparents. We had this revealing conversation:
My sister: "I remember Grandma XXXX was
always hugging us and telling us she loved us. What do you remember about her?"
Me: "Oh, I will never forget the way she always had that one bowl of ribbon candy that was all stuck together
sitting in the living room. And what about that hard candy she'd buy? You'd think it was all hard,
then you'd bite into it and you'd get some gross cream inside."
My sister: "I remember Mom's mom was always working in the garden and canning. The only time
she sat still was in the evenings when she'd sit down and say the rosary. Remember that?"
Me: "Not at all, but I do remember how she was always dragging Christmas candy out in the middle of June. And it wasn't even in the freezer!
She'd just pull it out of the cupboard or the attic! Gross.....but we ate it anyway."
My sister: "For Pete's sake! Don't you remember anything personal about them?"
Me: "Yeah, mom's mom always smelled like anise and dad's mom smelled like vanilla."

There was an article in the paper about the new motorcycle cops and one police chief said, "When they pass playgrounds, the kids are mesmerized. They allow for a good rapport with the young people, and that's important." KIDS are mesmerized? One was behind me the other day and it was only the fear of having an accident right in front of him that kept me from staring at him in my rear view mirror! Oh and *wink wink nudge nudge*, they also allow good rapport with the ladies, too, if ya know what I mean....

Thursday, August 24, 2006

dont you remember you told me you loved me baby

If I could pick any superpower, I think I'd pick the ability to freeze time. But then I wonder how often I'd use that superpower just get a good scratch off in public or to fondle some unsuspecting guy's crotch....

This morning I was behind a Brink's trunk. On the back were the words, "How's
my driving? Share a compliment or concern by calling 1-800-blahblahblah."
I thought, "Ya know, if they had those words on the back of police cars,
women wouldn't have to get arrested for calling 911 to find out the name of a hott cop."

Soooo I'm not the only one confused by the Barnyard movie. Bugs writes: My mother took
Da Buglet to see Barnyard the other day, and she asked me the same thing when she brought him home...."Do male cows give milk?"

Wow. I thought Mary showing up under that candy vat was amazing but now Jesus has shown up in the MRI of a Pittsburgh woman.
Geez these two just can't stay home these days, can they?
The woman insists you can see the crown of thorns, the feet and the hands nailed to the cross quite clearly in the xray of her spine.
She said her friends want her to put the picture up for sale on ebay--big surprise there--and she said she "might." Now, this is what really gets me about these people. If you sincerely believed that Jesus was in your pancakes, or your spine, or your shower tile, WOULDN'T YOU SAVE THAT PICTURE? I mean, what does it say about you that you freaking sell it on ebay? People have sports memorabelia that they refuse to part with, but Jesus and Mary get shuffled off to eBay? Damn. It occurs to me that the idiots who buy these sorts of things are worse than the ones that sell these sorts of things. They keep fueling the need for this kind of ridiculousness.
Geez, when Jesus made an appearance in my oatmeal, I didn't sell it to the highest bidder,
like some prostitute. I ATE IT. And with a little honey, He was really sacrilicious.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

i want a coin operated boy

Goddess' current mood is: sunshine, lollipops and rainbows everywhere.

ONLY FIVE MORE DAYS UNTIL THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL!!

This morning I ran up on the Hill--remember I talked about this before? It's a section above the city that has
tons of stores--and I looked in my rearview mirror and saw a GORGEOUS motorcycle cop! On one hand, I was thrilled cuz he was SMOKIN'.
On the other hand, I was not thrilled because I was on a section of highway that did
not have a marked speed limit, so I had no idea whether I was going too fast or too slow.
On the curve, the sign said to slow down to 35, so I was assuming it was 45 or 55, but I kept it at 40.
At one point, he got ahead of me and siiiiigh. What a lovely sight. That crisp white shirt and neat dark slacks.
I was really surprised to see him, though, because the motorcycle cops just hit the streets this week.
Then again, I naturally attract good things.

While I was shopping I picked up some funny cards for the offspring. I like to send the kids
cards so they'll have a harder time putting me in a home when I get old and senile. I picked up one for Female Offspring #1 that shows three old ladies in babushkas(?) and long raincoats. Inside it says, "At some point the Charlie's Angel's sequels are just going to be sad."

Ok, who couldn't see that "Snakes in a Theater" prank coming?
Some idiots in Phoenix released two baby rattlesnakes into a darkened theater showing
of the movies Snakes on a Plane. Luckily no one was hurt.
A snake expert was on The Daily Show and he said
that IF a snake got loose on a plane, it would become cold and listless. Phew!

After seeing home movies, I'm firmly convinced that John Mark Karr should
be put to death....for that gawd awful mullet he was sporting back in '92.

Most oft repeated phrase at trailer de Goddess yesterday? "Give that boy his damn ball of twine NOW!"
The offspring thought it would be 'funny' to hide Male Offspring #4's big ball o'beloved twine.
They also stole the picture of him standing next to the world's biggest ball of twine in Cawker City, Kansas last year.
He kept that picture on his bedside table.
Then they replaced it with a photoshopped picture of him standing next to the twine holding a sign that read "I am a weiner."
You would have thought someone died the way he carried on when he found out.

Good news and bad news on the Jebus backpack front. Mushy found one on eBay for me, BUT it says for ages "baby to pre-school."
Don't think a 13 or 14 or however the hell old MO#5 is, is going to appreciate that. But doggone, it's as cute as all Hell.
Isn't the little lost sheep precious? Wonder how long it would take Holly to eat that little lost sheep?
I may end up having to buy MO#5 a Jesus backpack clip instead. Also, cute as all get out.
He wanted the usual "WWJD: What Jesus Do?" t shirts, but I decided they were so 90's.
I wanted to funkify them a bit, so I designed my own.
He hasn't seen them yet. I'm sure he'll be so thrilled. Some of the sayings are: "I don't know what Jesus would do,
but my mother thinks I need my ass kicked" and "WWJD: What Would Judas Do?" and
"Commandment #1: Thou Shall Not Covet Thy Mother's Booze and Cigarettes (or Her Good Dope)."
Bugs found me this way cool Last Supper lunchbox for MO#5. It's a damn good thing Jesus
didn't have any more friends or Male Offspring #5 would never be able to fit that thing through the bus door.
That's another reason why it's very important to scooch together when you're getting your picture taken with a large group.
If only Jesus would have thought ahead to that all those merchandising deals and had people scooch together.
We'd have 300 piece Last Supper puzzles instead of 1500 pieces and Last Supper t shirts that didn't have apostles going the whole way around your body.

I found out the real reason Female Offspring #6 is upset that she lost the Pater Tot Pageant.
She wanted to be like her mom, the former Miss Gurnsey at the dairy fair.
I had to sit down and explain to her that we can't all be great and famous. Like moi.
Then I read her a little story that I wrote for Female Offspring #1 about a duck who wanted to be famous.
She did everything she could to stand out from the other ducks: dyed her feathers, mooed instead of quacked,
she even refused to go swimming and preferred ice skating instead, but in the end she was axed and eaten like all the
other ducks on the farm. Ok, so maybe I have a BIT of a problem with story endings. Sue me already.
Probably just as well I stopped writing kid's books. The offspring seemed to be having nightmares all the time and I have no idea why.

Speaking of cows, I know I'm not a dairy farmer but this commercial for Barnyard confuses me.
The cows, which I thought were always FEMALE, all have voices all by GUYS.
But it clearly shows their udders, so they have to be cows, right? Color me baffled.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

hope floats

Wanda Sykes, on guys who want to have sex with two women at the same time:
"If you can't satisfy one woman, why do you wanna piss off another woman?"

Come on, people. I know ONE of you mothers out there has to know where I can get my hands on Jesus backpack!!
I can't be the only woman on the planet raising a Jesus nut! Are there any "born again" women reading this?
I know they'd have their finger on the pulse of everything even remotely related to Jesus.

Female Offspring #6 is still pouting about the Miss Patater Tot loss.
She came in Second Spud, which I thought was great.
Now she's vowed to never eat potatoes again. Her siblings are very supportive of her feelings and
are encouraging her in her potato ban. Although I suspect
it has more to do with the fact that her not eating potatoes will leave more potatoes for them.
They're always good at figuring out that "what's in it for me" angle.

This morning I was cleaning the bathroom and after cleaning the toilet bowl, I flushed.
There must have been a clog somewhere in the line and the bowl started to fill up quickly. This happens a lot since we had to
have that stupid pump grinder installed. My sewer line goes around the side of the
trailer to the back yard, into the grinder, where it chews everything up then sends it UPhill to the main line. A brilliant idea
if ever I've heard one. So I wasn't too upset to see the water rising. However when it KEPT rising and
threatened to overflow onto the rug, instead of reaching for the plunger, I screamed, "No! No! No! Lord, NO!"
[Now you might think that showed an enormous amount of
faith in God on my part, but in all actuality, I couldn't find the plunger.]
Instantly the waters receded.
For a moment there I felt like a modern day Moses.
Like I, too, could part the (toilet) waters and I, too, could convince large amounts of people to walk in circles for years.
Then I thought, "Wait a minute. Toilet overflow prayers He answers instantly.
Yet He's too damn busy to answer years and years worth of my "please make me skinny and beautiful" prayers!"

Oh what screwed up priorities we have. Possible Jon Benet Ramsey killer John Mark Karr
came back to the U.S. drinking champagne and eating prawns. Lovely.
Probably ate better than the people on that plane who actually PAID for their ticket.

Ok, time for a serious subject. If you're ever at a restaurant and see the dish "foie gras" on the menu, before
you decide to eat it, you should know how the food industry is providing you with this so called "treat".
Foie gras is considered an expensive delicacy, but it's basically the diseased and greatly bloated liver of a duck or goose.
The animal is force-feed through a pipe that is thrust down it's throat and leads directly into it's gullet.
[I've seen a picture of this pipe and it's NOT a small pipe.]
This causes the liver to expand to more than TEN TIMES it's normal size. The bird is fed this way
two or three times a day for 2-4 weeks. The bird's suffering often results in painful bruising, sores,
organ ruptures and lacerations. During this time, the birds are also confined in cages, and not permitted to do
the things they love to do, like flying, swimming or foraging. A dozen countries have banned the production of foie gras,
and California passed a law to end production and sale by 2012. Chicago has also outlawed it's sale.
Just when I think some of mankind can't *get* any crueler....

Monday, August 21, 2006

no more cloudy days

Mutiny on the bounty!! Or in the trailer court, as it were.
Does anybody know where I can find a Jesus backpack and a Jesus lunchbox???!!
And no, it can't be any "Baby Jesus stuff" or the other kids will....cough, cough..."make fun."

Ahhhh, no! Dickies is redesigning their work jeans for more give and more comfort.
A Dickies' spokesperson said the jeans "will stay more on the high-hip area" as opposed to the lower buttock area.
You know what that means, don't cha? No more NIGHTMARE ON CRACK STREET!!
I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Half naked plumber's ass is really the only
legit way I can stare another man's ass without being accused of "cheating".

Bush just announced he is sending $230 million dollars in aid so the Lebanese people can rebuild homes, and schools and $42 million to train their armed forces.
This pisses me off especially when I just watched a report on tv showing the deplorable condition of OUR OWN SCHOOLS, not to mention the fact that Bush cut federal grant aid for our OWN college kids. Some of the schools they showed had ceilings that were falling in, walls that were water damaged and disgusting bathroom conditions. By all means, continue to send our money overseas where's it needed the most, Mr. Bush. Everybody hates us, yet everybody expects US to come in with the money when there's a problem in their country. And it makes me even angrier that we continue to do it at the expense of our own country. If Bush mentions the words "we must make sacrifices" one. more. fucking. time. I'll spit.

I don't care what he says, it's a dweam cum twue.
All he had to do was open his mouth and swallow.....his way to safety.

The chief of police in London said the city is safe enough for residents to leave their doors unlocked. Yet the Metropolitan police department website doesn't advocate people leaving their doors open so much as how to make your front door even more secure than it already is. Kind of a headscratcher, if you ask me. From January to July alone, "Haringey police dealt with 2,834 burglaries of people’s homes (54 per week) and 6,399 incidents of violence against the person". Can't get much safer than that!

I watched the William Shatner roast. Only because I was waiting for Reno 911.
Damn it. The one time I remember to watch, it's not on. The roast was lame.
Most of the comedians were trying way too hard. The George Taki gay jokes go old quickly, as did the 'shat/shit' jokes. The highlight of the evening was when Patton Oswald
handed Shatner a paper bag and asked him if he could act his way out of it.

Yesterday I swear I heard the whiney phrase "do I have to *insert horrible thing I asked the offspring to do here*?!" over 100 times.
And I swear I screamed "YES, YOU HAVE TO!!!!" an equal amount of times.
I need a sore throat lozenge. And another bottle of Jack Daniels to wash the taste of parental bitterness out of my mouth.

My girlfriend is looking for a man. In and of itself, that isn't a problem. The problem is that she keeps trying to drag ME into it.
Imagine that. The ONE TIME I try to mind my own damn business someone won't let me.
South is probably turning over in his grave skimming that.
Mr G said, "Well, that's smart. Ask someone who's been married for 26 years where to find a man..."
Every time I ask her why she wants a man, she tells me the same thing: she's bored and lonely. Well, guess what?
There are LOTS of times I'm bored and lonely and I have a man. I keep trying to tell her that it's important for
her to cultivate some hobbies, something she can do to make herself happy (minds out of the gutter, guys) and
THEN worry about finding a guy, but she's focused solely on getting her man.

Whoa. Now that he's singlehandedly brought 'sexy back' Justin Timberlake
is getting quite mouthy. Of Kayne West, he said, "Kanye? Has he ever had a song that wasn't already a song before he did it?"
Timberlake quickly added that it was a joke. I have dibs on West letting Timberlake know exactly
how humored he is by that little hee haw in less than a week.
The bitch deserves to be smacked up for that whole "bringing sexy back" bullshit.
Maybe he can bring back some masculinity for himself while he's at it.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

her name is rio and she dances on the sand

This is going to be an incredibly stressful and painful week for me, so I'd like to ask you all to bear (or bare, whichever you prefer) with me. This is the one week this month that I haven't been able to foist the offspring off on unsuspecting Bible totin' teachers, camp counselors or any Grandmas, all of whom caught on years ago. So that means I will be forced to deal with MY OWN OFFSPRING every day until school starts on Monday, August 28th.
Please pray for me. Please think of me, stuck in a one bedroom trailer with 14 brats and one brat living in the backyard, screaming out his window at me every ten minutes. It doesn't help that it's getting humid again, either.
The offspring have been getting on my nerves so badly today that I've just been sitting here spinning the barrel (or whatever that thingy's called? chamber?)
of my gun for the last ten minutes.
Sitting, spinning, contemplating....wondering what kind of sentence I'd get if I went postal. Or should I just do the intelligent thing and do myself in?
It would so serve them right to have to clean up all my grey matter.
BTW, if I hear one more verse of "Jimmy Crapped Corn," all bets are off!!

"A man was arrested in the killing of a retired schoolteacher whose dismembered body was found in his Long Island home and whose severed head was discovered in the trunk of his car, police said. Evan Marshall, 30, of Glen Cove, New York, was expected to be arraigned Saturday on a charge of second-degree murder in the death of his neighbor Denice Fox, said Nassau County police Detective Lt. Dennis Farrell. Fox, 57, was slain Thursday in her home in a gated community in Glen Cove, located about 20 miles east of New York City, Farrell said. Two "rather large" carving knives were recovered, he said. He declined to discuss any possible motives."
I haven't cleaned out the trunk of my Rio in a long time, and I know I have a lot of crap back there,
but I can honestly say my neighbor's severed head isn't in there.
I keep that jammed under the front seat. Passenger side, of course, so if I'm stopped I can put the blame squarely on the passenger.
See? You really do learn useful stuff from watching COPS.


Now I see why I am so easily distracted. All I wanted to do this morning was dl "White Lines" by Duran Duran. When I searched, Pet Shop Boys popped up along with Duran Duran. And I thought, "Wait. What was the name of that song they did with that female English singer? Oh, shit what was her name and what was the song?!" "Always on My Mind"? Is that the song I'm thinking about? No, I don't think that's it. And what was that song that Tammy Wynette did with that rap group? It was stupid, but I loved it. Hmm, I think that was "Justified and Ancient," but the English singer, was that Petula Clark? and what the hell was the name of that song?! Or was it Dusty Springfield? Was she English? I know she was a lesbian, but I'm not sure if she was English...
When I was searching for that I saw "Go West," and had to dl some of THEIR songs. Go West led to Liz Phair and ooo, "I Just Died In Your Arms Last Night"! I have to have that! Before I knew it, I had a TON of songs...everything except "White Lines". Yes, my thought processes are truly frightening.
Oh, and btw, it WAS Dusty and the song was "What Have I Done To Deserve This?" I'm wondering the same thing.

I officially have over 30 feeds on my Bloglines list now. It makes it much simplier checking that list every day, rather than having to check each individual blog to see if it's been updated. I admit it still has some glitches--like indicating the site has been updated and just showing pictures. Ugh. Plus, for some dumbazz reason, it will tell me WW's blog has been updated, yet when I click on it, it takes me back to three entries she posted last month.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

who knew the virgin mary could be so yummy?!

Oh. My. GAWD!! It's the Virgin Mother for schure!!! Oh, I didn't believe it when she showed up in the underpass
and I certainly didn't believe it when she showed up in the cheese sandwich, but, people THIS IS LEGIT!! The chocolate changes EVERYTHING!
"Cruz Jacinto, an employee at Bodega Chocolates, holds a piece of chocolate believed to bear the likeness
of the Virgin Mary in Fountain Valley, Calif. Thursday, Aug 17, 2006. Workers at the luxury chocolate company discovered a two-inch tall column of chocolate drippings under one of their vats that some think bears a striking resemblance to the Virgin Mary."

Yes, it IS striking, isn't it?! So striking in fact that I can't tell if it's Mary or Memorex or a heap of chocolate drippings! When they put Her on ebay--and you know they will, as long as nobody gets the munchies--I'm buying her because I think the Virgin Mary looks sacrilegiously deeeelicious!
"Under one of their vats"....oh, good grief. What the HELL are they doing down there collecting chocolate?! Ugh. Probably slapping it right back into their vats for "redistribution".....

this is abso-freaking-lutely CRAZY

A young kid from our area was speeding and killed THREE FAMILY MEMBERS and got THREE FREAKING MONTHS IN JAIL, along with probation. This guy is getting FOUR YEARS for felony indecent exposure? Let's face it, he's not the first nutbag on the bench. Won't be the last.

A former judge convicted of exposing himself while presiding over jury trials by using a sexual device under his robe was sentenced Friday to four years in prison.

Donald Thompson had spent almost 23 years on the bench and had served as a state legislator before retiring from the court in 2004. He showed no reaction when he was sentenced.

At his trial this summer, his former court reporter, Lisa Foster, testified that she saw Thompson expose himself at least 15 times during trial between 2001 and 2003. Prosecutors said he also used a device known as a penis pump during at least four trials in the same period.

Thompson, 59, was convicted last month of four felony courts of indecent exposure for incidents that took place in his Creek County courtroom.

Thompson, a married father of three grown children, testified that the penis pump was given to him as a joke by a longtime hunting and fishing buddy.

"It wasn't something I was hiding," he said.

He said he may have absentmindedly squeezed the pump's handle during court cases but never used it to masturbate.

Foster told authorities that she saw Thompson use the device almost daily during the August 2003 murder trial of a man accused of shaking a toddler to death. A whooshing sound could be heard on Foster's audiotape of the trial. When jurors asked the judge about the sound, Thompson said he hadn't heard it but would listen for it.

Police built a case against the judge after a police officer testifying in a 2003 murder trial saw a piece of plastic tubing disappear under Thompson's robe. During a lunch break, officers took photographs of the pump under the desk.

Investigators later checked the carpet, Thompson's robes and the chair behind the bench and found semen, according to court records.

Carmelia Brossett, a senior probation officer for the state Department of Corrections, said in a presentencing report that Thompson refused to undergo psychosexual testing.

"Thompson's denial of the offense would likely present difficulty, if not inability for treatment providers to provide meaningful and beneficial sex-offender treatment," she said.

The jury recommended a sentence of one year in prison and a $10,000 fine on each count. The jury foreman has said it was the jury's intent that Thompson serve the full sentence.

Judge C. Allen McCall denied a defense motion asking that Thompson be allowed to remain free pending an appeal. Thompson was also ordered to pay a $40,000 fine.

Friday, August 18, 2006

can you extract me from my plastic fantasy

Just the thing to keep that mentally bored dog stimulated.
Every Jeopardy question ever asked.
And South thinks I have a lot of time on MY hands....

On the subject of wigs for dogs, Bugs writes: "I'll bet I can do ya one better: my grandmother and her neighbor wound up each getting a dog out of the same litter. The dogs were a poodle/shitzu/somethingelseIcan'tremember, socker spaniel, maybe? (A cockashit?) Anyway, one of the attributes of a shitzu is that they have a tendency to have a HUGE underbite. I swear, my grandma's neighbor found a vet that put braces on the damn dog's teeth. I wouldn't have believe it until I saw for myself....."
A cockashit? LOL...now there's a dog I don't even want to think about owning.

My gf took her dog to an "animal behaviorist" because he's been "acting out." (Oy.)
Anyway, she called me and said, "The animal behaviorist said Gigi isn't stimulated mentally."
I said, "I know exactly what you mean. If Holly doesn't do at least three Sudoku puzzles a day, there's just no living with her."

And I thought sweaters and coats for dogs were asinine....

Sad news, kids. The three carat diamond ring went back. The first day I got it, Mr. G said, "Are you sure that's not going to break?"
because the champagne diamonds were set up off of the band in the big diamond shape. The ring actually consisted of two pieces.
Well, that immediately started to bug me, even though it was something I never even thought of when I saw the ring!
I like to wear my diamonds ALL the time, no matter what I'm doing, so I tend to buy rings that
are flat to the hand, bands mostly, so they don't catch on things.
Well, I was doing laundry and I yanked some towels out of the washer, and the ring caught momentarily on the edge of the washer.
When I examined it, the large diamond shaped setting was bent underneath and a stone was missing, so back it went.
BUT as soon as their credit appears on my cc, I allowed myself to get swayed by all those shiny champagne diamonds!

I'm gonna kick Michelle. She mentioned not being able to get the song "Coin Operated Boy" by the Dresden Dolls
out of her head, so I gave it a listen and now *I* can't get the damn song out of MY head! It's very odd, but if
you listen to it more than a few times, you can't stop singing the dumb thing.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

my life is still trying to get up that great big hill

"Teens not complying will be fined and have their licenses suspended. An Indiana judge fed up with teenage traffic violators is kicking them in the seat -- the driver's seat. Porter Superior Judge Julia Jent is sentencing the ticketed teens to the embarrassment of riding the school bus, if they are found guilty in her courtroom. Jent got the idea after a girl in her court for a moving traffic violation appeared not to take seriously either the offense or the possible fine. The judge, who has teenage grandchildren, said she knew she had reached the teen when she ordered her to park her car and ride the school bus and the girl started crying outside her courtroom. With that, she figured she found the right punishment. Jent also warns parents they could be held in contempt of court if they drive their child to school. Jent said making teenagers ride the bus also makes them take their driving violations seriously. Jent sent a memo to every law enforcement agency in her jurisdiction, telling them that all moving traffic citations involving drivers age 16 to 18 must be seen by her. She doesn't want their parents to pay a fine or have teens pay the fine and not tell mom and dad. If the teens violate the order to ride the bus, their driver's license will be suspended, and a fine must be paid. If they follow the order, the matter is dismissed.Of the dozen or so teens who were given the school-bus orders so far, one was ordered to nine weeks of school-bus riding. Another had total driving restrictions for an entire semester, according to the North West Indiana Times."Oh my God, you would have thought I gave her and her mother the death penalty," Jent told the paper.The punishment is legal. The state statute allows a judge to place any violator on probationary conditions, including license suspensions. "

I'm mad and I'm not gonna take it any more. What is with this big "fart wave" we're riding suddenly? It's bad enough living with a farting animal, I don't want to buy a book about one.
So far this week, I've seen a couple books about a
farting dog, I've seen a stuffed farting teddy bear and a "pull my finger" Santa.
Hello? Unless you're a guy, FARTING IN
AND OF ITSELF IS NOT FUNNY. And it certainly isn't reading material.
And I'll tell ya what REALLY isn't funny, when you're in bed with a guy--for the purposes of this story, we'll call him "Mr. G"...and Mr. G farts then holds your
head under the covers. That is SO not funny.

I watched more of that so called "interview" with John Mark Karr, alleged killer of Jon Benet Ramsey, and I don't believe him. Generally when you're trying to access visually remembered images, your eyes usually go up and to the right. His eyes went down on every question he'd answer, then they'd come up again to face the person asking the question.

I canNOT make up my mind about Panic! At the Disco's "I Write Sins, Not Tragedies." I like the music, I like the tempo and Lord knows I've listened to it 95 thousand times, but I can't decide if I like it or not.
I'm undecided because the "singing" is kind of disjointed.
I'm not sure if I like "Under The Influence of Giants" either. I read a review of them in which the person described the song "Mama's Room" as sounding
so disco that all that was missing was the revolving glitter ball. Sorry, but I'm not hearing that at all.
I definitely love Everclear's AM Radio. That one I am sure of.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

the world does not exist

Oh, here's another funny thing that was said at the funeral home last week. I forgot this one.
Several people from our church who hadn't seen her since she graduated high school, said to
Female Offspring #1, "OMG! You've turned into such a beautiful young lady."
THEN some of them added, "I can't believe it."
You know, as if they thought she had no chance in Hell of ever achieving that status.
Of course, she's beautiful for Pete freaking sake! She got that from me. All the weird-ities she got from her dad.
Although I'm sure Mr. G would disagree. Last week after his father's funeral we were talking and he said, "If I were to die now, I have no regrets," and I said, "Well, I have a ton of regrets about my life." He thought for a minute then said, "Well, I do have one." I said, "Let me guess. You regret being born handsome instead of rich, right?" Not that I've heard *that one* a million times.

Now, more than ever, we Americans need to pull together and fight for what is right. And what could be more "right" than naming a Hungarian bridge after a real American icon?! With that in mind, go to this link, scroll down to the "S's" and place a vote for Stephen Colbert, defender of Truthiness!

Will someone please explain to me why John Mark Karr was on television giving a statement of his guilt in the murder of Jon Benet Ramsey? WTH?!
My guess is that he didn't even do it. He's just a publicity whore. Get a Blogger like the rest of us publicity whores, ya jackass.

I was reading an article in the newspaper yesterday about the growing drug problem in Jefferson Parish, Louisiana.
Apparently since most of the residents were washed out with Katrina, drug dealers have set up operations there.
Murders are up 50%, but "overall crime" is down 20%.
Pretty much stands to reason if they're killing off more people that "overall crime" would be down.

If you're headed off to college this month, check out Freeload Press. If they're available, you can dl your text books for free.

I was watching one of the home shopping channels last night and they were pimping Persian rugs. The
pimpette said, "Persian rugs are an excellent investment. They are always increasing in value."
Really? Even after they've been used as a little box by a cat with an excitable bladder?

I am so thrilled that one of MY female offspring is going to be in a beauty pageant over the weekend!!
Along with ten other young misses, she's vying for the coveted title of Miss Patater Tot at the Tater Fest.
I was putting her through the paces last night--gee, she sounds a lot like a horse--and she was doing really
well in the poise section of the competition until
Male Offspring #3 shouted, "This spud's a dud!" I went au gratin on his ass and scalloped his pataters.

I was watching the local news last night and they were talking about a young girl who had been killed on a dirt bike.
At the end of the story they said, "The identity of the victim is being withheld pending notification of the family."
THEN they close up on one of those stones people have in their front yard with the family's LAST NAME engraved on it! Oy.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

let the bibleman come and save my soul

The Steelers are no long negotiating an extension contract that runs through 2007 for Coach Bill Cowher, but "they remain hopeful". Personally,
I hope the buzz that he might retire after '07 IS true and I hope we DO get a new coach.
Cowher has been coach for FIFTEEN seasons and exactly how many Superbowls have we won in that time period? One. Friggin'. Superbowl. Whoopee.

Good news and bad news about that NASA moon landing tape. The good new is: it's been found! The bad news is: someone
taped over it with several episodes of The Young and The Restless. Oddly enough, that's the same thing I did with all my Mike South porn vids.

I've been having this weird dream for months and months now, and I can't figure it out.
I promise NOT to be graphic or give too much information. In the dream
I have to pee reallllllly badly, but when I finally find a public restroom, let's just say all the toilets are in desperate need of a flush.
I have absolutely no idea what it means, but it grosses me out and it keeps recurring.

Mr. G is a teeny bit--and when I say "teeny bit," I mean "majorly"--pissed off at me. I convinced him
to get a small chainsaw--one with very little kickback, thank you! I told him it would be a help to him in
case any of our trees fell after a storm. Then I promptly took the chainsaw to several of the bushes in our yard that I told him I'd leave alone.
Here's the deal: he plants 90 trees in the yard and as many times as I've said, "NO MORE F***ING TREES!"
he keeps planting. [Of course, I left out the asterisks when I yelled that.]
I figure he lied, so I lied. We're even now. The worst ones are the fruit trees. We have two apple trees and while that might
seem like a good thing, it's not when you have to pick up buckets full of "too small to eat, but too big to run over with the lawn mower" sized apples every week.
So what does Mr. G do? He plants a farking cherry tree. Now my dad told me I'd have to cross polinate with another cherry tree to get cherries, so I absolutely FORBID him to plant another tree. Weird thing is I distinctly remember our neighbors having ONE sour cherry tree when I was a little Goddess.
And I know they had cherries because my mother used to send us up with our buckets to climb the tree when she was in a pie making mood.
So anyway, Mr. G was ragging on me about this again last night and I finally said, "After seeing the bushes you know damn well
I can wield a mean chainsaw. Don't piss me off about this or Holly will have fresh bones for months!!!" Grrrrrr.....

I find the commercials for Tallegdega Nights
incredibly dumb. But the commercial for the movie starring Lewis Black in which the guy is
dressed like a hot dog and yelling, "Ask me about my weiner!" strikes me as absolutely hilarious.

Mushy said he thinks I'd be "perfect" for Wife Swap, but I can't EVER go on that show. The "nice mother" they send to replace me
will turn my offspring into malcontents. When I came back to the trailer, they'd probably stone me in the driveway.
And God forbid Mr. G should find out what it's like to be around a woman who doesn't
"jump down his throat about everything under the sun". Quite frankly, I can't take that chance.

The local news station is proudly promoting their new "weather blog." They encourage people
to email questions, which they promise to answer in the blog.
How many seconds do you think it's going to be before some big dumb jackass emails
them asking why they waste their time getting a degree when people could predict the weather more accurately with a dart board?
Okok, how many seconds do you think it will take me? Place your bets quickly, though, because
my "send finger" is getting itchy.

Boy George was pissed at the press and gawkers who watched him sweep the streets of New York as part
of his whopping five day community service sentence. George yelled, "....this is supposed to be making me humble..."
Humble? Really? I don't think so. It's a trade off so George wouldn't have to plead to a more serious charge of drug possession.

Monday, August 14, 2006

gonna harden my heart, gonna swallow my tears

Damn, those foreigners have a sick sense of humor. That dog looks like exactly Holly, except it's sitting still....

WW asked me to watch Trading Spouses last night. I was about two minutes away from dragging my sorry ass to bed, but I watched for a few.
I've seen the show a couple times and I don't like it much because it's always the same. They take one perfect mother, a woman who spends every waking moment devoted to her child's activities, a woman who can make $1.50 last six weeks and a woman who hasn't gone clothes shopping for herself since 1953. Then they trade her with a rich, bitch, spoiled woman, who can't even remember her kid's names because "that's the nanny's job,"--this really surprised me when I saw it because here at Casa de Goddess, the gardener's responsiblity to remember the kid's names because I simply do not have time for that trivial bullshit-- and
then they sit back and watch the frivolity ensue. They always paint one woman out to be a saint and one a lazy assed 'ho, to put it nicely.
The reason I don't like the show is because they exaggerate everything, and twist things to sound bad. For instance, if I was on Trading Spouses,
I just KNOW they'd make me look like a BAD mom.
They'd find some way to twist the fact that I bought the offspring several cartons of cigarettes and beer aka "school supplies," into something nasty.
Even though I refused to buy Male Offspring #2 Marlboros and saved by buying him generic cigarettes.

Guess what today is, kids? National Fudgesicle Da---nah, I don't think I can get away with that two days in a row.

Last night as I schlepped around the trailer in my pj bottoms and my "semi best mom in the whole wide world" shirt--note
to self: do not let Mr. G touch your
laundry again! what goes in, does not necessarily come out!--I heard a news story about NASA misplacing
the orginal tape of the moon landing. I yelled, "Honey, when did you start working at NASA?"

Sunday I was flipping channels and came across the show on Bravo featuring the lesbian trainer, Jackie. Work Out? I think it's called.
This rich chick Sarah said she "researched" trainers and chose Jackie because she was the best. Pfffft. Although she was married, it was quite clear Sarah was not adverse to getting in Jackie's pants and vice versa. Hell, it was so apparent they wanted each other you could smell their crotches burning.
The funniest part was when Jackie said, "Sarah's husband is so sweet. He's agreed to watch the children while
we go out for drinks and dinner." Not sweet, so much as *totally clueless*. I found myself becoming more and more annoyed as I watched all the handholding and flirting between these two twits. I think it was because she was blatantly dissing her rich hubby, who worked his ass off to afford her the lifestyle in which she could fly trainers to her mansion in the first place.

Some cops were questioning an older woman about an incident with her throwing stones at what she said was a "small child," on Beach Patrol:Miami Beach.
While they were trying to decide what to do, she tried to get ahold of her psychiatrist by phone but he wasn't in.
One officer said, "When was the last time you saw him?"
She replied, "A few days ago."
Another police officer said, "Do you have any, uh--"
And she broke in with, "Venereal diseases?"
He said, "No, psychiatric problems."
I think she answered his question....LOL!!

some people think that the physical things define what's within

Guess what today is, kids? That's right "National Creamsicle Day"!!
In my mind's eye, I can see my grandpap holding my hand and walking me down the street to buy an orange creamsicle at the corner store.
It was a celebration because I passed the test to enter first grade.
Mostly I remember my grandpap as being kind of loud and scary and
very tall, but this is a nice memory that I think about often. And I'm sure no one is surprised that sugary food plays an important
part of my memory...

Stephen Colbert on why it's a bad thing that the President has to cut his vacation down to ONLY
ten days: "He's like a Black and Decker cordless vacuum.
If you don't recharge his batteries, he can't suck."

I had to laugh when I heard the intro on Semi Homemade with Sandra Lee on Sunday. I never
really paid attention to it before. There's a spot where she says her cooking is "70% store bought and 30% homemade."
That's funny. After watching a few eps, I'd swear it was 70% storebought, 15% artery clogging fat and 15% Domino's sugar.

I was reading an article on MSN about dads and postpartum depression. Apparently almost as many dads suffer from
the blues after child birth as moms. But dad's isn't called "postpartum depression." It's called the "can't get a piece o'ass blues."

I was reading an interesting article on home owner's insurance. Did you know that filing even one or two SMALL claims
can get you the boot from your insurance company? Especially if the claim has to do with water damage because the companies figure that you'll be back later with a mold claim. This is what really surprised the hell out of me: just inquiring about whether or not you can make a claim can hurt your reputation with the insurance company. So, in other words, they only want to cover people who pay their premiums every year, but never file a claim. What a load of shit.
There is a central database that other insurer's access, and you can check to see if you have been listed, and any claims you might have filed
by going to choicetrust.com and requesting a free report.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

here's an opportunity that you don't wanna miss tonight

From the "hair today, gone tomorrow" file: I HATE Britney's black hair. UGH. I like her sister's new caramel blonde look, though.
And I HATE Debbie Matenopulous' reddish locks. She looked much better as a blonde.

While I'm on a "hating roll," I HATE the way Semi Homemade's Sandra Lee's outfits all match her friggin' kitchen decor. If the curtains are peach,
she's wearing peach and the mixer is peach. If her counters are beige, she's wearing beige. Who puts that much thought into it?
Hell, even Martha dresses like she's been working in her attic all day when she cooks.
My favorite semi homemade "recipe" today was Sandra's veggie dip. It consisted of a bottle of Kraft Bleu Cheese dressing poured into a bowl and topped with a teaspoon full of crumbled bleu cheese. Wow. She went all out for THAT recipe, didn't she? Her "strawberry" shortcake dessert consisted of adding ONE FRIGGING STRAWBERRY sliced in half to the shortcake, cream concoction!
She had beer for the guys, which she adorned with a name tag and a cutesy little cowboy boot cutout.
Then she talked about how it was all about "attention to detail." Like the guys give a fuck. As long as their beer is cold, they could care less.
And if a guy does notice? Well, let's put it this way, don't waste your time trying to fix him up with a nice girl...

Before I left for work this morning, I went into the bedroom to give Mr. G a goodbye kiss, and all I could see snuggled up next to him was a big black snout sticking out of three layers of covers. I said, "I'm guessing Holly is a tad chilly?"

Thanks to everyone who offered their condolences on the death of my father in law. I really appreciate it.

I realize people get nervous and don't know what to say,
but it's time for another installment of "Funny (And Tackless) Things That Were Said At The Funeral Home":
1. "I liked your FIL, but he thought I was a crazy bastard."
This was incredibly funny, because on the way to the funeral home, I told Mr. G that his family shouldn't
have mentioned that his dad suffered from dementia, but instead that he suffered from "bastard's syndrome." In his mind, everyone was a bastard.
But he always gave them a qualifying adjective which spelled out their "problem", like "lazy bastard," "bullheaded bastard," or my favorite "Republican bastard."
2. My husband's buddies ALL call him "Piggly"(inside joke). His friend came over and while shaking my hand, said, "So you're Mrs. Piggly."
Yes, what every woman aspires to be.
3. My mother in law to friends, "Yeah, XXXX was always Grandpap's favorite grandchild,"
while Female Offspring #1 and the rest of the grandchildren were sitting right next to her.
The truth is that XXXX is HER favorite grandchild, and in her mind, her ONLY grandchild.
Grandpap pretty much ignored them all equally.
4. My MIL to Female Offspring #1, but loud enough for about 100 people to hear, "Doesn't your cousin look nice?
He had that bypass surgery because he weighed over three HUNDRED pounds."
A prime example of why we never tell her anything. I gotta tell you, I felt really bad for my nephew because
he is one of the nicest kids and always willing to help, but my MIL NEVER cuts him a break, because he's not...refer to #3.
5. "He looks like he's sleeping."
Except he's dead.
6. "He looks really good."
And yet, we have that whole dead thing going on...
7. "You look just like your mother! I couldn't tell who was the mother and who was the daughter!"
This poor woman has mastered the fine art of praising one person while infuriating another.
Considering my MIL is 81 and my SIL is 57...well, let's just say if looks
could kill my FIL wouldn't have been the only one dead at that funeral.

One of our friends was talking about some of places they went to when they go out, and they suggested we try them.
I said, "We never go out."
Mr. G immediately said, "Hey! I take you out all the time."
I said, "Honey, taking me along when you walk the dog is NOT taking me out on a date and if it is, you're the cheapest guy I've ever met."

If my ghetto cell phone company needs a new advertising slogan, it should be: "Tracfone, the number one cell phone of terrorists!"

After last year's school supply shopping fiasco, in which I actually TRUSTED my offspring to buy
the things they needed to go back to school, and one ended up visiting the world's biggest ball of twine,
I've decided this year *I* will be buying all the school supplies.
I'm thinking eight cartons of cigarettes and three cases of beer ought to hold them for a while.


I just want to give a big SHOUT OUT to the guy in the grocery store parking lot who intently watched me apply my make up yesterday morning.
If the need would arise, I'm sure he could not only pick me out of a "find Waldo" picture, but also note the color of my foundation was "fair," not "almost fair".
And may I say that when he rolled down his window
and said, "Gurl, you wanna borrow some shadow?" it came as no surprise.
Chicks in Massachussets get approached by guys flashing pictures of themselves
wearing nothing but crotchless pantyhose, and I get this bullshit.

coppin' a plea

Anybody who reads my blog knows that I'm pro cop. I believe in what they do and I support them. It stands to reason then, that I'm always on the look out for a GOOD cop blog. Problem is you don't know positively that the person writing it IS a cop. You just have to take their word for it.

There's one blog that I used to read avidly and it started to piss me off on a level I couldn't quite grasp. The posts always wrapped up neatly and WW and I have had many discussions as to wheter or not the person writing it was a cop. In the back of my mind, this kept bugging me, and it wasn't until this morning when I was on my way to work that I figured out why it pissed me off so much.

I don't know whether or not the person writing it is a cop, I've had my doubts, but that isn't the issue at hand. In most cop blogs that I read, the system is a major thorn in their side and more often than not, the system beats them down, causing them hella frustration. But in this guy's blog, the cops always win, the cops are always right and the cops always get the last word. Real life is NOT that way. When people bitch to me about the cops--and they do--one of the things I hear most often is that cops think they're above the law, and it's blogs like this one that does it's best to perpetuate that myth. And THAT'S why it pisses me off. Mystery solved.

While I'm on the subject of all things law related, what the HELL were the people behind McGruff the Crime Dog thinking when they thunked him up? He's a dog, wearing a damn full length trench coat! Hell, he looks like he just stepped out of a porno theater. You half expect him to open his rain coat and growl, "Take a bite out of *this*, baby!"

And one final COP comment...after watching COPS, I've decided that the Tennessee cops have THEE BEST SOUTHERN ACCENTS IN THE COUNTRY!!! Not too harsh, not too twangy, it's juuuuuust perfect;)

Friday, August 11, 2006

thats how i knew this story would break my heart when you wrote it

Yesterday while driving to work
early in the morning, I was all sad and depressed. Mostly because everybody
got to sleep in but me . Then I spied SEVERAL AMAZINGLY FIT MILITARY DUDES
JOGGING along the highway. As they passed my Rio, I heard them say, "Goddess has real nice tits, wish she'd rub them on my lips.
Sound off one, two. Sound off three, four. Sound off, one, two, three, four. Hut hut."
Hmmm, I'm pretty SURE it was something along those lines.
Regardless of what they said, those rock hard abs and sweaty chests made me smile.


I saw something today that really upset me. A sign that said, "Reading is Cool." WRONG.
Reading is NOT cool. Reading is FUNdamental and it always has been.
That is a piece of history and you don't mess with history!!!
That's like saying, "Like a good non-sexual relationship, State Farm is there." It just doesn't work!
Another mortal sin is when companies fakeabetize words, like Marcal toilet paper.
On the back it says, "Marcalculate and save."
Marcalculate is NOT a word! I'm not so sure "save" is a word either!

I see the store Casual Male is dropping the Big & Tall part of their name. Their new name will be Casual Male Portly Fatties.
Ok, but it's just as bad: Casual Male XL. Why do they need to add the XL to the title at all?
Women's stores know better, except for Fashion Bug Plus. MUST we add the "plus"?
It's a stigma to those of us with "extra wide load" stickers on our asses.
Besides, most people who shop in these sorts of stores can sniff them out without
the rude moniker, much the same way drug addicts know where to score the best drugs.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

sweet dreams are made of these who am i to disagree

One of the guys I know sent me an invitation to an "online bootycall."
Yeah, I'm sure Mr. G would loooooove that.

Click on this link and send a free card to a member of our armed forces.
Xerox does all the work, and there's no cost to you involved. Now get clickin'.

I love it when the boxing referee says to the fighters, "I expect you to obey my commands at all times."
Too bad we women can't get that put into our wedding vows, huh?

I had to get my haircut before the viewing on Tuesday--because you know no matter what happens
we women have to fuss over hair and clothes--but the chick that usually cuts my hair was on vacation. Now, my husband,
who has loves his hairstylist so much that he sleeps with her and is constantly grabbing at her boobs when she cuts his hair, does not
fully understand the relationship a woman has with her stylist. He said, "Can't you just get someone else to cut it?" UGH.
Desperate as I was, I decided to do just that. I told her I wanted my hair all one length across the bottom, showed
her how long I wanted my bangs, and then I told her to give me a bunch of uneven layers inbetween.
Now I thought that was pretty doggone clear. Apparently I was wrong. After cutting and cutting and cutting,
I ended up with chip choppy layers on one side and all one length of layers on the other.
After hearing "maybe I'm just not understanding you" about ten times, I gave up.
I came home and said to Mr. G, "This hair isn't EVEN!" He said, "Which side is the longest?" and I showed him.
He tilted my head in the opposite direction and said, "Just hold your head like that during the viewing."

I see Georgia Democratic Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney lost her primary bid earlier in the week. Boo hoo.
McKinney is the Congresswoman who uses the race card as much as most people use their debit card.
If you recall, it was the white police officer's fault when he "harassed" McKinney
at the Capitol for not showing the proper ID and now it's the "white voter's"
fault that she lost the primary. She lost by some 12,000 votes--apparently all white votes.
If she ever runs for political office again, her slogan should
be, "Cynthia McKinney, taking personal responsibility for her problems since....um, well, never."

Speaking of debit cards, people should have to have a license to carry those damn things. I ran into Dollar General to pick up
a card--normally a two minute trip--and I found myself behind a woman who should have her debit card revoked.
If I had a quarter for every time she said, "Now what do I do?" I'd be eight quarters richer.
THEN she said, "I can never remember my PIN number,
that's why I wrote it right here on the card," as she flashes the card in my direction to SHOW ME. UGH.
She added, "It's really convenient." Yes, the thief who steals your card will definitely think so.

Every morning when we walk Holly, the bum insists on carrying something in her mouth. She has been this way since she was a puppy.
It can be a dish towel, a toy, a bone, a rag, but it's usually a sock. About two weeks ago, I picked up her leash, and
Holly immediately started to look for something to take outside. I said, "No. You're a big girl now.
You don't need to carry that junk in your mouth."
(Yes, I talk to her like she's a kid. So sue me.)
The next day she refused to go out with me until I gave her something to carry.
Because she has a tendency to drop the stuff along the way, I never know what I'm going
to pull out of our pockets when I'm doing laundry.
Last Friday when the hospital called to tell us that Mr. G's dad had been admitted from the home, we went down immediately to see him.
As soon as he saw his dad in that deteriorated state, my husband started to cry
and he reached into his pocket for a handkerchief, and pulled out.....a tube sock. We were crying and laughing at the same time.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

all we are is dust in the wind

My husband's father passed away, so I'll be back on Friday.
In the meantime, feel free to talk amongst yourselves...

Saturday, August 05, 2006

get the cameras rollin', get the action goin'

So what do you all think of Paris Hilton's new song, Stars Are Blind? While I like the music, the ...um..."singing" leaves a lot to be desired.
It's every bit as lackadasical and dull as Paris is when she speaks. In her interviews she comes across as bored with everybody on the planet...except herself.
It's one of those songs where the background music kinda drowns out the singer, and there are NO vocal challenges in the song, as if even the record execs have figured out that she can't sing but her name is very marketable right now. I'm predicting Paris Hilton has a long, long career in the music industry. Much like Eddie Murphy.

WORDS OF WISDOM:
Becky, who was roasting marshmallows, to her mother Roseanne: "Mom, how do you like your marshmallows?"
Roseanne: "The same way I like my men: crispy on the outside and stuck to the end of a fork."
(from the Roseanne Barr show)

(12:00 a.m.) This is just to let all the whores who read my page know that despite yesterday's posting, I AM down with you! Blame Lelia K. It was her lyrics I was singing...I mean, shouting.

I thought my life was incredibly boring, but even *I* don't spend my time telling my broom and dustpan that
they're not doing the job they were meant to do, like the psycho in the Swiffer commercials.
That's just wrong. Besides, I'm too busy teaching Holly how to cook and make a beautiful tablescape!!

What gives with guys getting all excited when they see two chicks POSSIBLY kissing in a mainstream movie/tv show?
With porn so readily available, you'd think this sort of thing would seem quite tame.
I stopped in to see C.P.
the other day after work and a friend of his--30ish-- was there watching tv.
They showed the previews for that John Tucker teenager movie and the scene
where they ALMOST kiss and C.P.'s friend was practically wetting himself.
I said, "Dude. Go rent some porn. You're embarrassing yourself."

Even the trailer for Talladega Nights seems stupid to me, but the one part that makes me laugh every time is
where he autographs the baby's head.
"Absolutely, Ma'am. I'd love to sign your baby. You're not gonna wanna wash that forehead!"
For some reason that just strikes me as extremely hilarious.

KB Homes hired Martha Stewart to decorate an entire community of homes in Atlanta.
Hmm, will Mike South be moving to Martha Stewart Lane??
When asked why he chose Martha, the president of KB Homes said, "Women have a huge
amount of respect for Martha. They like her."
Really? We do? How come nobody ever told me?!
They did show some of the homes on CNN. They're all gorgeous.
Nothing brings out excellent taste in design like spending someone else's money.

People keep coming to my site via the search string, "Sandra Lee boob implants".
I have to wonder. Does that mean the hostess of "Semi-Homemade" has semi-homemade boobs?

I heard about one of the new shows in FOX's Fall lineup that sounded like something I could get into. It's called "Justice".
The way I understand the premise, there will be a trial and a verdict given, then they'll go back and show you how the crime really happened.
Now that sounds interesting because things are rarely what they seem, and it'll be fun to guess, and see how good you are at picking up on the truth and the lies.
I'm also looking forward to Anne Heche's new show, "Men in Trees." She's a NY author that tells women how to meet men,
and while in Alaska on a publicity tour, discovers her fiancé is cheating on her and decides to stay.

Friday, August 04, 2006

living the dream whatever that means

(1:30 p.m.) South informed me last night that he'll buy me the url, but IF I lose, I have to update for him for a week. After that last fiasco of an update, that's all the incentive I need, people! But he had rolling when he said that I should never buy a dot net because people don't go to dot nets as often as dot coms. He added, "buy something like copsidliketofuck instead." LOL!! NOT ON YOUR LIFE!! But it was funny.

(11 a.m.) Oooo, Floyd Landis tested positive for testosterone on the second urine test. I don't understand some people's thinking.
Why did he come out and proclaim his innocence knowing the truth would come out? I feel kinda bad for his mom.
She was on the news the day after the story first broke saying, "Floyd told me it's not true and I believe my son." Aww, man.
Lie to the whole world if you must, but don't lie to MOM! His defense team is still saying he can clear his name, so we shall see.
Last week they said his testosterone was out of whack because he was dehydrated. Oy. What a load of crap.
He's either telling the truth as he believes it or a persistent liar. As it stands, he looks like some of the dudes we see on COPS every week.
From what I understand there is one more really reliable test they can do.
Notice how they do the unreliable tests first and issue the findings to the news? Lovely.

I saw an infomercial on raising llamas on tv this morning. One guy said, "My wife and I have raised llamas for five years." Five years?! Hell,
we ate ours within five weeks. Most expensive meat we ever bought...

(12 a.m.) Bugs writes: I heard on Showbiz Tonight last night that the insurance company that insured the bear collection were
the boneheads that insisted on guard dogs being there in the first place. Poor Barney!
Apparently he's being retired to a chicken farm.....I weep for those chickens and I hope they make good fryers.
LOL! The whole incident was made all the more comical by the fact that poor Barney was a "guard" dog.
Look on the bright side, though. Once Barney gets started, the chickens won't know what hit 'em.
They might as well have hired Holly to watch the exhibit. She once ripped up a puppy slipper in under three minutes.

I'm still upset about Manuel. Here we are in the peak of grass cutting season and that slacker is nowhere to be seen.
The kids are all involved with Bible school, so guess who gets stuck with the yard work? That's right....Mr. G. Men do the outside work and the kids do the inside work. Just the way God intended.
Thursday Mr. G kept saying, "Damn I have to cut that grass on Friday after
work and do the weed eating. I just hope I have enough time to get it all done in one day."
Then a little while later, he'd say, "Yeah that grass is really thick. I have get it cut tomorrow or Saturday."
About the third time he told me this, I'm thinking, "He's angling for me to cut the grass. I might as well just do it and be done with it."
But I didn't say anything to him. You know, in case something unexpectedly WILD happened, like the
dudes from Publisher's Clearing House dropping in with a HUGE check for me to cash. Well, then I wouldn't feel like cutting grass.
I'd be too busy spending my money on male whores and porn.
So, on Friday morning, Mr G. calls me from work and says--get this--"You won't hurt my feelings if you cut the grass." Big shocker there.
It's all good. I actually like cutting the grass. It gives me time to meditate.


Oh, and what is not to love about my laptop?! I picked out some fast, grass cutting songs,
burned them to a CD and off I went to mow AND groove! I LOVE IT!!
I guess I didn't realize how loudly I was singing though. I was still cutting when Mr. G came home and he came over to me and said, "Could
you sing that part about how you're not down with whores or smack a little louder? I don't think the neighbor kids heard you."
I said, "No problem, honey! I downloaded them all a copy and burned it to a CD for them last week when they asked me for More, More, More."
I began my grass cutting "career," if you will when I was a wee lass of ten. In all that time, I have NEVER lost a mower. A few fingers and a toe, yes. A mower, no. Until today.
Actually I lost the belt and chewed up the SAFETY GUARD!! Hell I didn't even know it was POSSIBLE
for the mower to chew up the safety guard. I thought that was the whole point OF the safety guard!!

(11:30 p.m. Friday) I have decided to take Mike South up on his little challenge. I shall not mention cops on my main website journal
beginning August 5th, and going for two full weeks, up to and including August 19th.
At which point I WILL MAKE HIM buy me the url hottcops dot net because some jackass already
has the dot com. And THEN...THEN...well, then I'll pay him for it.

OMG!! This is too cute!!
And why the hell can't MY dog get a JOB??!! I'm surrounded by slacker kids and slacker pets....

helllllllllllllo friday, i love thee

I was reading an interesting article on the internet about how potential employers are now
googling applicants and reading things written about them and by them.
One woman said her company planned to hire a girl until they read her blog and saw things like "Sex...yes, please!"
and comments about her liking to party all night.
My feelings are that people tend to exaggerate somewhat on the internet when it comes to sex, drugs, and rock and roll.
Not to mention drinking. I think a LOT of people consider journaling their "therapy," as do I,
so we tend to saw whatever is on our mind, all the while steadfastly ignoring that inner critic.
So here's my question:
do you think someone should be judged by a potential employer on what they've said in their blog?
(Lordy, if that's the case, I'd never get a job..except those in which the words, "would you like fries with that?" are used.)
And do you think it's fair for employers to dooce employees? Or do you think, as I do, that people should
wise up and stop using their FUCKING FULL NAMES on their posts?!

Now I know how Jebus felt, always being persecuted for the stuff He believed in!!!
South: ok
South: its time for an intervention
me: whats up?
South: i do not want to see the word cops on your site for 2 weeks
me: LOL
South: period
South: no police
South: no cops
me: dude i haven't used it on my main site in EONS
South: no euphemisms for cops
me: so i can talk about 'em now
South: u used it today
South: and 2 days ago
me: and beyond that? WEEKS
me: i took the hott cop o'the week awards OFF permanently
South: you use it every other day at least
me: i do not
South: yes you do
me: i'm counting
South: read back through that boring ass drivel
me: only THREE TIMES this month! that's it!
South: I get what one mention in a month now
South: shame shame
me: so skip over when you see the word "cop" dear
[WHY IS THAT SO HARD FOR PEOPLE???
Trust me, it's NOT difficult.
Every time I see the words "Free Speech Coalition" or "George Bush" on South's site,
my eyes glaze over and I automatically skip that shit, which means I haven't read four of South's last five posts.]
South: this month is only 2 days old
me: become a cop and i'll mention you way more
me: picked up on that, eh?
I want you ALL to note that he never said I couldn't use the word "LEO."
(And yes! I'm deliberately ignoring his "no euphemisms" whine)
Instinct tells me NOW is NOT the time to discuss the fact that my stats are way down with South.
I know EXACTLY what he'll say.
Put this in Southern speak when you read it: "If you'd talk about ME more and cops LESS, you wouldn't be having this problem."

A couple people emailed me, asking if I knew the name of the song
used in the current GAP jeans ads. Sho' do. It's "Do Ya" by Peaches.
Luuuuv that song.


I was reading this article about an obesity vaccine that scientists are working to create. While titled,"Obesity Vaccine Looks Promising," the tone of the article suggests something totally different. The article said, "....have developed a way to make the immune system produce antibodies that attack ghrelin, and that rats given the vaccine ate normally but lost weight." Yet further along in the article, you read this, "Mice given shots of the vaccine ate just as much as untreated mice but had "about a 20 or 30 percent reduction in weight gain......However, the mice were fed low-fat, low-energy diets. It's not certain that a ghrelin vaccine would be effective against the burger-rich, high-fat diet that many Americans eat, the researchers noted."
In other words, they're not telling us how much of the weight loss was attributed to the vaccine and how much
was attributed to the low fat, low energy diet. Knowing the scienctific community, they probably had the mice run on little mice treadmills every day, too.
And while the title tells us the vaccine is "promising,"
how promising can it be if it says they're not sure it's effective against the American diet?
We Americans want to take a magic pill that will allow us to eat like hogs and still lose weight.
The idea behind a vaccine to curb obesity is going to be as ineffective using surgery. Granted it will work on SOME people,
people who are truly overweight because of body issues,
but most people aren't overweight for that reason. Once again, science is trying to fix an emotional issue with a physical solution.