Thursday, December 28, 2006

this is the sound, it's time to get down

I apologize for my lack of updates, kids. These last few days, I have fallen into an abysmal abyss.
(Why do these kids keep buying me Roget's Thesaurus for Christmas?!
It never gets used beyond week #1, and I rarely make it past the "A's".)

You know it's long been my ardent desire to pass that do gooder Duggar in the kids department.
She has 16 kids and I have 16 kids. I heard that she's now pregnant with #17.
I went to the gynecologist yesterday and she told me....bear with me, it's heartbreaking....she told my vagina is "getting pale."
I screamed, "Oh yeah?! Well, yours ain't so rosy either, beootch!"
Then I realized what she was really saying.
Somehow, someway, some fucking where, I turned onto the
downhill highway that leads directly to Premenopauseopolis. Sure, the drive will last several years, but still.
There's no getting off of this damn highway! I just gotta keep driving, dodging pot
holes and road construction along the way until I read the dreaded village of Omygawdmylifeisoverville.
The gyne said, that at this point in time, I would still be able to get pregnant,
but my eggs tend to be more hard boiled, less dippy. So with this in mind, we've definitely decided not to have any more kids. Whaaaaaa!!!
Damn you, Duggar!!! What am I going to do now to fill up my time? Giving birth was a pastime for me.

Mr. G had his check up this morning, and he did well again. His hemoglobin only came down .2
but it puts him below 7.1 mark of his last check up to 6.9. Remember when we started this drastic eating program
in March of last year, his hemoglobin test was 10.4, which is horrible. His blood pressure is also down several points as is his cholesterol.
I think taking the Glucotor has really helped because I just don't think diet and exercise are enough.
I think the supplements and chromium, as well as some of the herbs like Fenugreek Seed and Momordica, make the difference in diabetes. But mostly Mr. G worked really hard at eating well, and I'm proud of him. It is NOT easy.
Speaking of supplements, kids, don't forget it's time to switch to cod liver oil.
Fish oil in the warm months, cod liver oil in the cold.

There's a huge drawback to proclaiming yourself a writer when it comes to Christmas.
Writer gifts suck. If you're a computer geek or an electronics geek, I imagine the
gifts are fabulous: ipods, flash drives, digital cameras galore. But for writer, not so fab.
Aside from the aforementioned Thesaurus, which I swear the kids give me
for every damn occasion, I get the Webster's Dictionary--wheeeee!--and for shits and giggles, they toss in "The Elements of Style".
Surely I've died and gone straight to Heaven? That would certainly explain the "Writer" baseball cap....sigh.
At least this beats the "Christmas of Chia Pets," in which all 16 of 'em gave me a Chia pet.
I had herbs coming out of my ass for more ways than one.

I used my Christmas money to get the washer fixed. It is soooo nice not to have to beat those clothes on rocks anymore. That was getting old. Not to mention we're rapidly running out of rocks. Yesterday I had to beat my clothes on the cement block foundation of my neighbor's prefab.
My washer wouldn't fill with cold water, so I just used it on the hot water cycle. My water heater is on a timer, so the water
was cold most of the time anyway. Then the hot water option stopped working.
I went on the internet and decided that I probably had a bad fill valve.
The repair dude came promptly at 8 am and had the sucker fixed within a half hour.
I heard my husband saying, "Yeah, my wife got on the internet and she thinks we need a new fill valve."
I'm in the kitchen thinking, "Nooooo! Don't tell him that." The guy was probably thinking, "what nutjob goes online to figure out what's wrong with her appliances?" But alas it *was* the fill valve. Phew!

Happy Belated Birthday to Mike South, the best web pimp on the net.
(I'm only adding that last part cuz it's true and because I'm supposed to go to
Atlanta in January and I want him to take the damn lock off the fridge this time!!!)
I won't say how old Mike is, but I will say that with age comes wisdom.
Sadly in his case, age came alone....

OOHHHHHHH!! And I won BEST CHICK BLOG on Mike's site AGAIN!!! YAY!! Three years running.
I attribute the win to three things:
A. I'm gabby
2. I'm fairly certain Mike's afraid I'll cry and refuse to write for him if he doesn't give it to me
Oh, did I say three things? Cuz I meant two....
But I don't know if I like the term "chick blog." It makes it sound as if all I do is yak about my period. Speaking of which, I haven't gotten it yet. Due any day though. I can't wait. One more period=one more month I don't see the "You are entering Omygawdmylifeisoverville" sign.

Pamela Morgan, Director of the United Church of Religious Science--I embrace their philosophy of God--said
something interesting in her monthly letter. She said, "As 2007 draws near, many of us are making
remarks about the days moving so quickly and the years passing so fast. And there are those
who feel time is moving too slowly. For a lot of children, Christmas morning cannot come quick
enough. How could it be that all of us are experiencing the same amount of hours in a day,
the same amount of days in a year, and yet have different experiences?
As Religious Scientists, we hold a unique perspective on the passage of time, because
we know that it is only the human realm that changes. The great eternal truths remain the same.
God is the same today, yesterday and forever. These are the things I think upon in this season of light.
So as we welcome the advent of a New Year let us remember that the light of the Infinite is
always shining, sustaining each of us, in every moment and for eternity."
And so it is.


Mushy said...

Nothing wrong with using the Internet to diagnose any problems! I'm going to the doctor next week so I'm already printing off page after page of what is wrong with me. The doctor is used to this and will ask me for my diagnosis first then work her way down from there.

Oh, we'll start out with cancer and then move down to "too much gas", but the process is fun. One of these days though I'll be right and pass out when she says "you are correct sir!"

Goddess said...

Health problems are comical--as long as you're healthy;)-- in that *any* symptom can be the symptom of something totally simple to get rid of OR CANCER!!!! "Doc, I'm dizzy."
"Well, it could be an ear infection or CANCER OF THE BRAIN!!"