Saturday, November 11, 2006

lust for life

Today is Veteran's Day. Now get out there and kiss a Vet!!

Jimmy on "Yes, Dear" talking to his pastor:
"With our health conscious society, I have a great idea: low fat communion.
I even have a name for it: 'I Can't Believe It's Not Our Savior'."

I was sorry to read Jack Palance had passed away. I always liked Jack. He was one of those
guys that was rugged and sexy no matter how old he was.

OMG. The ridiculous "happy holidays"/"merry christmas" fight is ON again.
Wasn't this argument boring enough last year?
And once again, the Catholic League has it's snout into it, threatening to boycott
WalMart for saying "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" like they did last year.
Because WalMart took a beating over this last year, they're falling in line this year by saying "Merry Christmas".
This is the sort of stuff that made me turn away from organized religion. Yes, I'm sure Jesus would get all bent out of shape over this trivial b.s. and threaten businesses to bend to His will or else.
I suggest WE boycott the Catholic League and any other Christian group that concerns itself with this ridiculousness for taking the fun of of the HOLIDAY SEASON. Because they have chosen to become bullies about this, I am not donating one penny to any charity that has the word "Catholic" in it this HOLIDAY SEASON. Saying "Merry Christmas" does NOT put Christ in Christmas. Your actions do that.

"Plow Guy" on Men in Trees was so hott last night my ass melted to the chair when I was watching. And they're moving the show to Thursday. Damn.

I had twenty four things on my TO DO list yesterday and I finished everyone of them by 4 o'clock.
Is it any wonder my song writing talents are rusty?
Time I should be spending writing love songs (or more to the point, creepy stalker songs)
is spent doing useless things like cleaning and laundry. Not to worry! I have plenty of time to work on a new song today!

Ok, I'm pissed at Male Offspring #1. Remember that I told him he had to move into the shed if he didn't
get a job or go back to school, which is why he's living in the shed? Apparently the little brat doesn't have
anything better to do than harrass his siblings. Hell, that's *my* job.
About two weeks ago, I had the little ones sit down and write their letters to Santa. It's called "busy work." I promised to mail
the letters to the North Pole, aka I hid them in my underwear drawer with all the other letters from previous years.
So you can imagine my surprise when Male Offspring # 7 came running into the trailer with his response from Santa.
Smelling a disaster (and offspring involvement), I grabbed the letter to read it first.
It said, "Dear Male Offspring #7, Christmas will be here soon. I hope you're behaving! Very shortly,
I'll be packing my sled and taking my reindeer on a magical ride around the world--except for Prancer and Dasher.
They died after they ate the magic reindeer food your brother left out for them. But don't worry. They didn't suffer. Much.
Oh, and Comet was shot this summer by a careless hunter who mistook him for a cow.
And Blitzen's knocked up.
The rest of us can hardly wait to fly all the way from the North Pole to visit your crappy trailer.
You'll probably be asleep when we get there,
dreaming of the big bag of poop that you asked me to bring you. Mrs. Claus is cooking cabbage
for supper, so I'll be putting your gift together later tonight!
I enjoy making dreams come true. I
hear from that handsome older brother of yours
that you've grown up a lot since last year and that you're learning how to control your bladder during the night.
Almost bed wetting free, good for you!
My reindeer and I are so busy on Christmas Eve that we're pretty hungry by the time we make it to your white trash neighborhood.
Would you be a sweetie and put chocolate chip cookies, a 6 pack of beer, bag of pork rinds and Skittles
near the shed door for us? We'll pick them up when we leave your good looking brother's gifts. See you soon!"
Three guesses as to how I figured out which one of my jackasses was the guilty party.

I was a tad upset that the offspring said I never cook, so I decided to make dinner last night.
Naturally, when blood dripped out of their hamburgers, they complained that the meat wasn't cooked enough.
They whine about every little thing.
I said, "A little bit of raw hamburger never killed anyone."
Male Offspring #2 said, "Mom, have you ever heard of e coli?"
I said, "No. I hate the rap music."


Fathairybastard said...

Ok, that first line killed me. Hilarious. Now I'll read the rest.

Anonymous said...

You crack me up...I love your randomness..."Plow Guy" was pretty hot, in a non-McDreamy dad gets pretty upset if I mention that my hamburger is mooing still to this day, so I'd get used to the whining the santa response, if that is real definitely a good thing you got it first. Keep on writing!!!