Saturday, October 21, 2006

peace out

Ok, I got three emails saying, "yes, you should stalk Dan," four "hell, no!" three "I don't think we can sit through another
one of your crushes"; one "what would Jesus do?" Personally I don't think that's relevant because I'm fairly certain Dan isn't Jesus' type.
One person said, "Goddess, what do you know about him?" Duh. He's HOTT. What else do I NEED to know?!
And one "why does my bf want me to swallow when his cum tastes so yucky?"
That last one might not have anything to do with the stalking issue. I'm so confused.

Phew! I passed again. Every time I see one of those "*Insert # Here* Worst Money Mistakes You Can Make"
articles on MSN, I have to make sure I haven't made them. Once again I passed the big three! Don't use home equity
to pay off your house (or trailer), don't borrow from 401k (easy to do when you don't have one:), and don't stretch to
buy your home. Hell, I wish! What makes me laugh about these articles is that the writer keeps using the same damn
mistakes only sometimes it will be ten worst mistakes or five worst mistakes. Now that's using your smarts to make money freelancing.
Another thing I'm going to remember when I'm a famous writer.

I loved this line used on MSNBC this morning when discussing Keith Urban's recent stint in
rehab: "Popular star's dramatic move to break his addiction." When you or I have an addiction,
we're an alcoholic or a junkie. When a celeb has an addiction, they're brave and they're an example to the rest of us po' junkies and winos....
Another really funny thing this same reporter said was during
the story about a man dressed in a gorilla
suit who grabbed a child and ran with him. She was talking to an "expert" and she said, "Do parents
and kids have to be on heightened alert anywhere and everywhere they go these days?"
"Heightened alert"? Notice how the Bush/terrorism terminology has worked it's way into our every day lives?
The only time I'm on "heightened alert" at the grocery store is when we're in the snack aisle,
and I see someone else reaching for the last bag of my favorite candy. Then it's on, people! It's on.

I was watching Court TV last night and a cop stopped a woman who had accrued so many unpaid tickets, that a warrant had been issued for her arrest.
The cop kept explaining to her that he had to take her to the station to take care of the warrant, and she was equally adament that she was not budging.
At one point, she screamed, "I'm not going! I'm not going! You take care of it!"
THEN she screamed, "Shoot me! I don't care! Kill me!"
After arguing with her for ten minutes, I'm sure the cop was only too willing to comply with her request.

My gf's sister had yet another baby. This is number five. My gf showed me the announcment. It read, "Babies are so cuddly and fun,
we thought we'd have another one! Come see our baby and enjoy, the sweetness of our little boy."
Ok, I'm fairly certain people said almost the exact same thing during that whole Beanie Baby craze.
"Beanie Babies are so cuddly and fun, we thought we'd waste money on another one!"
And what do they have now, people? A freaking closet full of dust
collecting Beanie Babies.....ALL with the tags still on 'em. When I see that I just
want to get out the scissors and start snipping those tags left and right.
Let me set the record straight: Babies are NOT cuddly and fun. At best they will suck the life right out of you, which is
why you can't afford a 401K plan. At worst, they smell like poop and urine ALL THE TIME.

OMG! Vince Vaughn is threatening to sue the tabloids! Quick! Somebody start caring!

I've been walking around the last few days singing a commercial jingle. I had no idea
what commercial it was from, but the jingle was "I see possibilities, maybe more than meets the eye!"
As I'm writing this the commercial came on the air. It was for Pillsbury rolls. Figures since the doughboy IS one of my idols.

As you all know--because I've bored you with the details--I'm fed up with
Overtime Hawg stealing all the extra hours at work.
So instead of just getting pissed, I am determined to kick start my writing career
and leave this crappy job in the dust. I am going to save every penny I make writing so Mr. G can retire early.
One of my favorite mags is Country, so I decided to write a cutesy, but educational story
about one of my offspring. I sent this entry:
"My son really wanted a BB gun. I felt he wasn't ready to accept the responsibilty, but his father felt the gun would be the perfect learning tool.
I sent him outside to play one sunny morning and he took his gun with him. A short time later, he came running in, crying about the fact that he killed a mother bird. Now the baby bird had no one to feed it." Ok, I think you know where I went with this story. I explained to them that I made my son feed the bird every day until it was old enough to find it's own food. I was quite pleased with my story. So much so that I spent the check I thought I would get on candy, romance novels and crappy, fake QVC
jewelry designed to make people think I could afford the real thing. Unfortunately, all
I got back was this note: "We loved this story...........................when it was on the Andy Griffith show."
Damn it. I should have changed Opie and Aunt Bee's names. I knew I forgot something.


Anonymous said...

"You've Got Possibilities" is from a musical:
It's a Bird... It's a Plane... It's Superman
Music: Charles Strouse
Lyrics: Lee Adams
Book: David Newman + Robert Benton
Premiere: Tuesday, March 29, 1966

Goddess said...

Great! Thanks for letting us know;)