Tuesday, October 03, 2006

kiss you off

I’m on my way to Atlanta to update for South while he’s whoring it up in Trampa this week. I begged South to give me his password so I could update from the comfort of my own trailer this time, but he wasn’t having it.

Things have happened in the past that might make it appear as though I can’t be trusted, but that’s not necessarily the case. Yes, I stole South’s credit cards and bought llamas. May I just say that on a lightly toasted bun, simply delish. And yes, I know I used his cards to buy the Carlton Sheets’ No Money Down program, but I was only trying to better myself. Who could fault me for that? Plus the program really works. I bought four only slight dilapidated trailers with NO MONEY DOWN. Carlton rocks!

Besides, the credit cards were just laying there, in a locked drawer, gathering dust. It’s like South wanted me to pry the drawer open and use his cards. Then when I do, I’m labeled “untrustworthy’. I can’t win.
I should be halfway to Georgia by now, but I’m still in PA at the Denny’s in Uniontown. I usually make it to Georgia in one day, but I had to make several stops along the way this time. I *might have* *accidentally* spent all of the money I was supposed to put into our Christmas club on Powerball tickets and sparkly lights for my Hoveround. They’re fab! Every time I put on the brakes, the lights flicker and flash! I’m the coolest lazy person in the trailer court. But now I have to recoup all that money in time to buy second hand Christmas toys for the offspring.

Not to worry, I’ve come up with a brilliant plan to make fast money. No, I’m not stopping at the casino, although that’s a sure thing, too. I have to find a couple TMX Elmo’s and put them on eBay at Christmas time. There’s nothing like a guilt ridden parent with a fat wallet to make my holidays brighter. And it’s a much more sound financial plan than putting all that money into the bank and getting a measly 1%. Suze Orman, my ass. Unfortunately, I spent the whole day looking and came up empty handed. I’d have better luck finding a Jew chowing down at a pig roast.

When the waitress brought my meal, she suggested that I check out General Braddock’s Grave while I’m in town. Hmm, unless they’re selling Elmo dolls at the gravesite, I don’t think so. Besides, I don’t even go to my own grandma’s grave, why would I want to visit the grave of some goofy general who wasn‘t even smart enough to not get killed in the war? She also suggested I might want to visit the “S” Bridge, so named because it’s--brace yourself--curved like an “S”. Wow. Uniontown has cornered the market on fun!
They take all this historical stuff very seriously in Uniontown. I stopped at the Chalk Hill Village of Shops because I saw Christmas stuff advertised. While I was browsing, one woman told me that I “must see” the house built by Jonathan Downer in 1823. She said he made each and every brick by hand, and it took him 17 years to complete the house. Geez, talk about anal. I have two words for Jonathan: Lowe’s.
Ok, I have to email this to South to ftpee because *again* somebody doesn’t trust me enough to give me his password. Double work for me, but hey, I’m not bitter. Much. Besides I only agreed to this gig cuz he PROMISED me pics of Dan Davis, the yummy editor dude at Genesis. After I email, I’m gonna get a room at the Chalk Hill Motel and stay the night. Too doggone bad I left Mr. G at home. AARP members get a 5% discount on rooms. Dang. The one time being old comes in handy, and he’s not here for me to reap the benefits.

If you’re from Atlanta and you want to hang with me this week--and really, who doesn’t?--- email me. Slots are filling quickly. After all, there’s only so much time to spare between COPS, The Young and The Restless, Video Justice and Disorderly Conduct.

HA! I didn't fall for Oprah and Gayle's bullshit this time. I told my gf to call me at the motel if the state police officer was on like they IMPLIED last week.
Of course, he wasn't, BUT I received a frantic phone call from her, in which she uttered two words, "COWBOYS!! TV!!" So I turned the tv on and doggone it if Oprah didn't have two totally handsome cowboys from Perry, Oklahoma named Cody and Justice. Two romance novel cowboy names if ever there were ones.
I love the name Justice and both dudes were hott! But alas, my gf said NO COPS and not even a hint of them for next week. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. she's pissin' me off!

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