Sunday, October 22, 2006

i wanna be great like elvis without the tassels hire eight body guards that love to beat up assholes

In an effort to teach my offspring good eating habits, I took them to some nutritional classes this past week. During one, the nutritionist, who was pimping healthy snacks, said, "You can slice an apple in 30 seconds." Male Offspring #1 said, "So? My mother can eat one of those huge Snicker bars in five seconds." All eyes in the class were on me.
I looked at him and said, "SHUT UP!" and then "Seriously, five seconds? Really? I thought it was at least seven. Cool! What about the Milky Ways?"
He said, "Sorry, ten seconds. The caramel slows you down." Ahhh, well. A noble goal, my friends.

It's comical to me how some people react to a person's profession, even in blog form. I read a lot of cop blogs--yes, big surprise
I know. I'll be honest, I find myself curbing my language, which is funny cuz they probably use--if not hear--much worse than I could
ever come up with. But Daddy taught me to be never drink whiskey straight from the bottle and to be polite to the poleece,
so it's nice that I can get one of the two right.
Anywho, some of the chicks are so funny when they reply to cops' posts.
I could write, "Today I wiped a hobo's butt" and people would say stuff like, "what kind of gross weirdo are you?" "Sicko!"
But a cop could write "Today I wiped a hobo's butt," and the chicks would be all "OMG!!! you are the SWEETEST person on the planet!" LOL...I just love it.

Bruno was talking about a suggestion by the gub'nor of Missouri that the teachers in his state be armed in the classroom. He thought it was a bad idea. I have to disagree. Think about it. The kids are acting up. You whip that gun out of your desk, wave it in the air and scream, "DON'T MAKE ME SHOOT YOU!" Instantly the little rug rats settle their asses down. Guns: a healthy alternative to Ritalin.

Damn. How dumb can some people get? I was watching Video on Patrol yesterday and it showed a guy at a small gas station trying to break the lock on the gas pump. First he tried pliers and when they didn't work, he tried a BLOW TORCH on the lock. Yes, a friggin' blow torch near a gas pump. Then he took off his shirt, dropped it on the ground and tried the blow torch again. Natch the shirt caught fire but he quickly stomped it out. He was finally able to get into the gas pump, filled up his truck and left. He's lucky he wasn't blown sky high. And for what? The cops arrested his ass anyway after viewing the tape.

My number one bitch on COPS? When they arrest guys who scream like chicks....
Number two bitch? Guys who say the word "sir" 90 times in one conversation. "Sir, yes, sir, I'll get my license, sir!"


Mushy said...

I believe you are one of the sweetest people on the planet - I see through that tough gal shell to what's way down deep. That's why I keep coming back.

Goddess said...

ME?! SWEET?! Ok, I'm gonna have to ramp it up a;)

Mushy said...


Goddess said...

Fine. But don't think I don't know that the only reason you think I'm sweet is because I wiped a hobo's butt...

frhe sjgg said...

So what now, you're following me around when I talk to cops ????


Goddess said...

I don't think you need me following you, too, do ya? LOL!