Wednesday, October 04, 2006

here we go again

Geez, I can hardly wait to get to South’s so I can eat all that “good” food he says he left for me.
Celery? Celery isn’t food. It’s what I use to scratch my back when none of the offspring are around to do it for me.
To show my gratitude to South for letting me stay at his place once again, I’m going to leave him a ton of fresh spinach.

I spent the night watching infomercials until 4 a.m. and I awoke with a new belief: a clean colon is a happy, productive colon. I’ve also decided that if you watch the Dual Action Cleanse infomercial often enough, Klee Irwin starts to look attractive in a greasy Schneider from “One Day At A Time” kind of way. My favorite part of the Dual Action Cleanse infomercial is when Klee says to Gary, “Do you have kids? Are your bowel movements the same size and length as theirs?” Hey, I love my offspring just as much as the next chick who has more kids than she can support, but I don’t inspect their droppings. Klee then went on to describe his 5 yr old daughter’s poo-tinkys.
Then I watched the Nads informercial. Nads is the all natural hair remover, developed by a woman from Australia. The product was named after her daughter Nadine. Phew! I’m glad she cleared that up cuz I thought it was named after ye olde ball sac. The goofiest part of this infomercial is when they drag the bearded lady on to remove her facial hair. How humiliating is that?
The last infomercial I watched was the Juiceman, and I kept thinking he would benefit from Nads. I have no idea what the infomercial was about. I was so distracted by the dude’s bushy eyebrows. They look like huge caterpillars.

While waiting for my Grand Slam and Moons Over My Hammy this morning, I checked out XBiz’s site. Hard to miss that skin on South’s site. I was thrilled to see they’re sponsoring “WIA: Women In Adult.” It seems to me that other than spreading their legs to make the guys rich, women have been shut out of the industry. Nobody cares what they *think*. The site has discussions pertaining to women, such as suggestions on how to set up their sites and make money with webcams. They also have profiles on women in the business end of the industry. Bravo, WIA and XBiz!

I was listening to CNN during breakfast. Apparently former Congressman Mark Foley is claiming he was abused by the clergy. Yesterday he was blaming his problems on alcohol. What? No evil porn connection? No “daddy didn’t love me” connection? I’m disappointed.
CNN’s attempts at sensationalism leaves a lot to be desired. They started a story with the line, “A half naked suspect runs from police on rooftops”. The dude wasn’t wearing a shirt. Whoopee. I’ve seen more nudity on Little House on the Prairie.
When asked about anorexic models, German designer Karl Lagerfeld said, “"We don't see anorexic (girls). The girls are skinny. They have skinny bones.” What an asshole. I guess he thinks fat chicks have fat bones.

I hate to leave the comfort of my Denny’s booth, but I have to get on the road. According to the third grade Poindexter sitting at the table next to mine, I will be traveling through Maryland today, not Arkansas as I originally thought. Show off. I am definitely stopping in Maryland. When I was young my dad’s cousins took us out on the Chesapeake Bay and we had delicious crabs. I’m going to see if I can find a t shirt that reads, “I got crabs in Maryland!”. I think it will be a wonderful way to remember my trip. And I’m feeling lucky about Elmo, too.

I already have an offer to go fishing from someone who reads my site. (Apparently they don’t read it very well cuz they’d know I’m afraid of fish.) I agreed to go, but I’m worried that it’s just a ruse to lure me in and use my nubile body for all sorts of perverted sexual escapades. Hmmm. Ok, now I’m definitely going.

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