Monday, October 16, 2006

finger lickin' good

Yesterday Sister Mary PainInMyAss called me from Our Lady of Perpetual Guilt Grade School to complain about Male Offspring #7's "mouth".
When she said she wanted to see me in her office pronto, I just knew he
had done something stellar and she was about to brag. (Yeah, right.)
I sat down and she said, "We always learn the most interesting things from your children."
Of course, the tone of her voice suggested otherwise, but I played along and smiled. "Excellent," I said.
Sistah: "For instance, today we learned in religion class that God's last name is 'damn'."
Me: "Oh, you didn't know that already? I thought everybody knew that."
Sistah: "Yes, and now all the other children know it, too."
*insert a proud mother's smile here*
Sistah: "Then we learned that Jesus' full name is 'Sweet Jesus, cut that shit out'!"
Me: "Yeah, my kids are like little sponges, soaking up that knowledge 24/7/365."
Hahahahaha...ha...............ha. "Hey, at least he didn't tell you Mary's last name."
Sistah: "Yes, he did."
Oooops. That one will blister the paint right off the walls.
I am so calling his dad at the state prison and complaining. That f'ing jerk off has got to watch his
damn mouth around my kids. The dumb son of a bitch should know how impressionable they are by now!

After just five weeks and two days, our beloved Kia has been returned to us outfitted with a lovely (used) gas tank.
The guy at the dealership who promised we'd have one no later than Saturday can suck donkey balls.
He knows damn well they weren't going to magically find ONE gas tank from a '97 car in Korea.
Korea crapsmanship must be wonderful if every gas tank they had here in the U.S. (all five of 'em) had a defect.

Have you seen the commercial for Disaronno in which the oversexed gal is sitting across from the hunky bartender?
The announcer dude says, "Disaronno's warm and sensual? sexual? taste makes you wish it would never end."
The bartender goes to remove the chick's glass and she stops him with her hand, then takes
out one of the ice cubes and brings it towards her mouth. I wonder what she's trying to say?
"I'm building an igloo and I could really use this ice?"
"I had to starve myself for this commercial, so I'm going to eat this entire ice cube without guilt, damn it!"
"I'm a cheap 'ho willing to practice my oral skills on a complete stranger."

BTW, what happened to the bird flu? Wasn't it just a few short months ago when we were all doomed to an avian death?
Now with the elections and this whole North Korea thing, you don't hear a damn thing about the bird flu.
No doubt it'll stay on the back burner until a slow news period.

1 comment:

Mushy said...

Too funny!