Tuesday, October 31, 2006

trick or treat smell my feet and give me something good to eat

I will be incredibly happy when the new water heater is installed tomorrow and the repair dudes are gone. Our house is old and we NEVER know what repair
guys will run into when they're here. Apparently the guy who built our house didn't own a level.......or a steady hand.....or a keen eye.
He seems to have eye balled everything, and it shows. But only when it comes to the ceilings and the floors.....

I love the commercial for this week's episode of NCIS. It shows the guys crashing
a Halloween party, and one guy says, "Great costume, guys, but you spelled CSI wrong on your hats."

I saw some video of Heinz Ward at McKee Elementary School in Pittsburgh today. JCPenney
and the NFL have a "Take a Player to School Day," and I am such a sucker for this sort of stuff. I cry every freaking time I see stuff like this.
And even though I can't stand her, I loved those dream shows Oprah did last year, where people got a chance at their dream or to meet someone they idolized.
The kids were so thrilled to meet Heinz and he spent time in the winner's home room, and there was an assembly for the entire school.

There is one sugalicious thing that is REALLY tempting me lately. When we walk the dog every night, we go right past the Dairy Queen drive through window and they've been advertising a pumpkin pie blizzard that sounds YUMMY.

South is talking about Steven Baldwin and his appearance on Wankus' radio
show over on his site today.
I saw a bit of Baldwin the Saintly talking on a news show and
the interviewer made some comment about something being a "coincidence." Baldwin
chimed in to say, "I used to call them 'coincidences,' now I call them 'Jesusincidences'." Oy.
People like that are scarier than a strain of the bird flu and AIDS combined.
Give me someone who lives their beliefs, not someone who tries to shove them down my throat.

Monday, October 30, 2006

i'm waiting for the day when my lucky stars align

"Dearly Beloved, we are gathered together to say goodbye to Goddess' recently departed water heater.
It was a good water heater, giving 20 years of faithful service.
Let us focus on the happy things she gave us: the hot water and the scalding hot water.
Let us remember that she didn't cost Goddess a damn dime because Goddess was renting the trailer when she was installed.
While we're remembering the old water heater, let us say a prayer, also, for the
gaping hole in Goddess' savings account caused by the new water heater. Amen."
BTW, that water heater money is coming right out of the Christmas gift fund, kids!
Merry Christmas and enjoy!

Ever the procrastinator, I said to Mike South today, "HEY! What about those pics [of Dan Davis]?!"
He said, "They are coming."
Pfffft. So is the end of the world....

I was scanning the web for more pics of cops for my Hott Cops site, and I came across the website of Floodwood, Minnesota. Their motto is "A City for All Seasons." What does that mean exactly? Are there some cities that just close up shop in the Spring? That just fold in the Fall? What's the deal, Floodwoodites?

Overtime Hawg has been calling me all day asking me to come to work for her today
and possibly the rest of the week. She is SHIT. OUT. OF. LUCK.
I got back from the chiropractor this morning and she had called me at least six times.
I thought, "Damn, lady. Would it not occur to you after the first two calls that I'm not home?!"
She's called three more times while I'm sitting here writing this.
About two weeks ago, one of my co-workers was out sick. OT Hawg took two nights
and the boss gave me one. She said, "Next time she's off, I'll give you two nights and her one."
The very next week, I called my co-worker to ask her something about a computer program
she had been telling me about and OT Hawg answered the phone.
I was fugging livid. Apparently this woman wasn't feeling well and she
took the night off. OT Hawg very nicely took the hours for herself.
That night I drew a line in the sand. Took my ass long enough,
but I decided unless somebody in her family died, I am unavailable to switch shifts.
I made some changes to accommodate my boss, but fug that, too.
She has proven time and again, that when push comes to shove,
she is more than willing to let OT Hawg do whatever she wants. The boss always makes her excuses as to why she can't fill in.
She called this morning while I was out, and said she couldn't do it either, would I go?
T.S. I'm sick of them using me.
I'm cleaning the kitchen because the guys are coming to put the new water heater in and I have to be here for that, too.
It's like my husband says, everytime I switch with her it's at my own expense. No more.
And I'm NOT giving her any time at Christmas like I did last year either. She had an entire week off. Then she had the balls to ask
for the 23rd off because she needed to bake pies. When I agreed to that, she gave me some sob
story about why she needed the 26th off, too. Female Offspring #1 was only home
four days and I had to work two of them. No more. I'm taking my entire week this year.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

i can't wait any more for him to discover me

Hmm, the parents of kids in the Gwinette County, Georgia, school district mustn't think too highly of their children's intelligence levels.
They want to pull Harry Potter books because they feel their kids aren't smart enough to know the difference between fantasy and reality.
They're afraid the kids will try casting spells on each other. Oy. They also says Harry "contributes to school violence and indoctrinates kids into the Wicca religion."
Hey, there's a spell casting witch in Snow White, maybe we better ban that book, too, just to be on the safe side.
There are also witches in Sleeping Beauty, better dump that one as well.
No word on how Gwinette County parents feel about Harry contributing to large numbers of kids READING.

I was so boooored today that I went to this Big Lots Elf link and voted for Maddy. Come on, vote for Maddy. She's cute! Get your asses out there and vote. Mikey's currently winning and I want Maddy to by my Big Lot's elf, damn it!

Fat lot of good "falling back" did us. Holly had us all out of bed at 6:50. Yaya I know it would have been 7:50 old time, but it wasn't!!

How Goddess got her groove back three times yesterday....
Every time Mr. G and I are off together, the night before he ALWAYS says, "Sex o'plenty tomorrow."
When he said this on Thursday, I said, "Really? And exactly how many times does 'o'plenty' constititute?"
And he says, "At least three times on Saturday and three times on Sunday."
While that USED to be the norm...about ten years ago...now it's more like four times a WEEK.
Something that does NOT make me a happy camper. But then again, I don't have to do any of the "work".
I just have to lay there and say things like, "Oh, come on. Can't you fuck me harder than that?" and "You're not ready to cum already, are you?"
You know, all sorts of encouraging little comments.
I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
So Thursday night I said, "Ok, but this time, I'm holding you to that. I expect to get fucked into next week. Literally."
Saturday morning, right out of the starting gate, he said, "Let's have sex." Oh, I was *there*.
He took a nap and when he got up, he called me into the bedroom again.
We went for a walk in the evening, as per usual, then came home and I was watching COPS.
He was reading and I walked into the bedroom and said, "Honey, aren't you forgetting something?
You owe me another fuck. If you don't fuck me tonight, you'll have to fuck me FOUR TIMES tomorrow."
He put his book aside and said, "Oh, we'll do it right now."
I said, "I'll take my pants off."
It was like a game of sexual chicken, neither one of us was backing down.
He said, "Take them off."
"Look. Taking my pants off. I am taking. my. pants. off."
He goes, "Look, getting. hard. We're throwing down right here."
I'm like, "Fine. Right here then. And I'm not changing my mind, either."
He said, "Neither am I. Bend over."
It was during the afterglow that I thought, "If anyone had overheard that conversation, they'd think we were crazy...."

From one of the forums I participate in...
10 Halloween Phrases That Sound Dirty
10. She's a goblin!
9. I'd like to get a little something in the sack.
8. Let me see your bag.... Oh! You're having a great night!
7. Just get on your hands and knees, and bob your head.
6. She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch.
5. If you just lick it, it'll last longer.
4. Show me your Jujubes and I'll let you see my Zagnuts.
3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth...
2. You scared me stiff!
1. He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor!

What a weird day weather wise yesterday. I was on the computer near the living room window around 4 in the
afternoon and Mr. G and Holly were snoozing. All of a sudden it got really dark outside and the wind was whipping through the woods.
I could hear branches snapping off. Then it started lightening and thundering. Next thing I know it's snowing like crazy.
A half hour later the sun was back out.

Saturday, October 28, 2006

i am smitten with you

Don't forget to fall back tonight, kids!! ! Another hour of sleep, yummy, yummy!

Here's a site that allows you to make free international phone calls to over 50 different countries...and Canada!

This is just a warning to Zal (and others) that on the 1st I *WILL* be reverting back to a white background on my main site. I know I almost blinded you last year, so BE PREPARED!!

A big THANKS! to Mike South for helping me get the gink out of my pages yesterday.
I knew it had something to do with the html code, but no idea what. He noticed I was missing a */noscript*. Damn. He's good.

There was a question on Family Feud the other day: how long does the average crush last? The answer was three months.
THREE MONTHS?! Those lazy ass crushers! The majority of mine have lasted for YEARS!!
Speaking of crushes, I think I should request a complete bio of Dan Davis. What if he has kids? Good grief, I can't stalk somebody's "dad"!
And I'm trying to decide HOW I want to stalk Dan.
I was toying with the idea of enrolling him in one of those "lunch meat of the month" clubs.
Nothing says "I have the hots for you" like a big hunk of jumbo bologna in January.
Ok, what about poetry? Once again, with apologies to Alex, the true poet...
"Roses are red, violets are blue,
I'm jilling off while thinking of you..."
Whaddya think? Too subtle?

Congratulate me, people. Except for a couple boxes of candy, I have *all* of my Christmas shopping finished!
Now the real work begins.
I have to subtly convince the offspring that they want the crap I already
bought for them and not the crap they have on their lists. "A man works from sun to sun but a woman's work is never done." Sigh.

I ordered some yummy body butter last month or so from someone's Body Shop page.
The email said you would receive a special free gift of lipstick "with every order."
It said this several different places on the website. So I ordered. No free gift.
When I called the person I ordered from they gave me this "ooooh, yeah, it was free with a $50 order. I misread that myself."
Perhaps The Body Shop should consider employing someone who can write more understandable emails?
I *was* going to order their Vanilla Spice Body Butter. Fug it.

There's one bug in IE7 that's driving me nuts. So much of my good email goes into the spam folder.
If I open an email there, then click on the spam folder again to go back to the next email,
I keep getting an "email session has timed out" error. Then I have to sign in all over again. GUH!

Richard sent me the news story of a group of drug dealers who hid methamphetamines in TMX Elmo. They found four pounds hidden inside the doll.
That would be my luck. The one Elmo I find would be confiscated for evidence....
Speaking of that ratbastard Elmo, Bugs sent me a link to this site.
Notice how there ARE no Elmos other than those at auction? Curses. Foiled again.
Honestly, if one of my offspring wanted this toy and I couldn't find it, I would have serious problems with Fisher Price.
They deliberately manipulated this situation and it's pathetic the way they used small children to do it.
I did not buy ONE Fisher Price toy this year. And I'm starting to spread vicious rumors about Elmo's sexuality!

Thursday, October 26, 2006

the scoop, the dip and the 411

A cop from a neighboring township is in trouble because he refused to respond to a domestic violence situation. The cop said that after an incident at the residence in July, they would no longer be responding to her calls because the woman refused each time to testify against her boyfriend. I know it's their job, but you have to feel for the cops in this situation. They go to the residence and put their lives on the line repeatedly, and the idiot chick won't press charges. What does she want them to do? This time she allowed him into the residence to pick up his belongings, including a SHOT GUN. What person in their right mind would release a shot gun to someone who had been violent towards them in the past? No wonder the cops are frustrated with her.

Only on the soaps. I was watching Guiding Light this morning and Reva is *trying* to kill herself, but she keeps getting interrupted.
The second interruption came just as she was going to drive her car into a river or off a cliff or some such nonsense.
The phone started to ring and she checked the caller I.D. to see who it was.
I'm thinking, "You're going to KILL yourself. How important is it that you answer the damn phone right now?"
She kept procrastinating so much I found myself yelling "Oh, kill yourself already!" at the tv screen.

Pics on CNN of the blizzard in Castlerock Colorado were absolutely gorgeous.
I can say that because I'm not shoveling it.

Wow. You can tell Tom Cruise isn't at the top of his game anymore. Not only is he telling
the media where he and whatsherface are getting married, he's even telling them the date.
And somewhere his Jesus, L. Ronn Hubbard yawned.

Last night when I took off my bra, three kernels of corn fell out. (And a penny.)
Now here's the thing: I haven't eaten corn for weeks....I have, however, used pennies.

Well good news and bad news with the Madonna interview. The bad news is that she was boring.
The good news is that she's more British than ever. Hell, she even talks like she has a stick up her bum. Madonna said "shame on you" to the media for discouraging all the other people who wanted to adopt African children.
I hate to burst Madonna's bubble, but unless you're rich, who the hell could afford to go to Africa and adopt a child?
And guess what? I'm not even going to get on my soapbox and say, "HEY! What about the AMERICAN children who need a
quality education? What about the AMERICAN children who are stuck in foster care and need a rich celeb
to give them a home and medical care? Nope, not going to say it.
Oprah also had The Dixie Chicks on the same show. Kudos to Natalie Maines for not saying she was sorry for the things she said, despite Oprah's many, many thinly disguised attempts to get her to say it. I've said it before and I sincerely believe that it was her timing that upset people. If she said NOW what she did then, they'd probably gain more fans, instead of less. And kudos to the band for making this whole mess into a documentary. Very clever of them.

The local department store is once again holding a candy exchange for diabetic children.
This is a really nice thing they do. In exchange for candy, the store gives the kids a toy.
So we here at Casa de Goddess gather up all the icky stuff no one likes, and then we pretend one or two of the offspring is diabetic to get free toys.
Do I feel guilty cheating the system like this? Oh, yeah. Sure. Uh huh. The guilt will keep me up all night. The guilt and the sugar rush.
"Icky stuff" consists of: loose candy corn, those peanut chew things, anything remotely healthy looking, Maryjanes, brown M&Ms and
Pixie Sticks, because I get sick of the paper getting wet and the sugar sticking inside. Cutting them
and pouring the sugary goo into a bowl is tremendously tedious. And yes, I'm speaking from experience.
Then we'll toss in one or two pieces of good candy to make it look legitimate.
Speaking of Halloween, Zal asked me why we have trick or treat night on Thursday. Why don't you just point out the fact that I live in a freakish township, Zal?! I have no idea why they do it Thursday, but we've always had it on the last Thursday of the month before the time change.

I saw a clip of K Fed on a wrestling show the other night. He took the mike and yelled to the audience, "Do you want to hear me rap?'
The intelligent audience, who has obviously heard K Fed rap before, all yelled back, 'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

I realize Greg Brehendt likes to consider himself a "cool cat," but now that he has a talk show, he needs to grow up.
I watched about five minutes of his show yesterday and saw a segment where they sent a family to yoga classes. He asked the 50ish WOMAN
how she liked the classes, and after she told him it was a nice thing to do as a family, he responded with, "Right on, man. Right on."

One of the hospitals out of the Pittsburgh area that advertises in my town is now claiming
each person who has their health insurance has their own "personal concierge."
Yeah, they're called "minimum wage customer service reps." Get over yourself, UPMC.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006


Hollywood has now decided that every movie containing a scene in which an actor smokes, will also contain a non-smoking ad.
They're hoping to reach teen audiences who might be influenced by the scenes.
They might, but I'm wondering what message the kids will take away from the ad? "Don't smoke" or "Do as I said, don't do as I do..."

OMG. I am OVER THE MOON, people. You know how I'm so looking forward to my "2006 Is My Costume Hott or Not A Palooza" tomorrow night?
My only concern was the children. Interacting with them and being around them, and how I could get out of that. You know how I feel about kids. I love them. From a distance.
I kept trying to figure out how I could pass out my Snicker bars without having the little rugrats come onto my stoop.
Yesterday while driving up and down the aisles of Rite Aid, I found this.
Now I shall sit on the stoop, behind my red velvet ropes, keeping the riff raff in the yard...where it belongs.

Keith writes, "Goddy, why you wanna stalk Dan Davis? After all, he's not a po po."
Keith, Keith, Keith, go back to jerking off while thinking about your married neighbor, will ya? I've decided that I need more pics of Dan before I can ...cough, cough...make up my mind about the stalking.
South, get your ass home and send them, will ya?

Why did I just KNOW the "famous celebrity" featured on Oprah that "lost weight, then hit rock bottom" was Carnie Wilson?
First Carnie whined about being fat, now she's whining about drinking. Can't we ever be happy with our lot in life?
Then again, I'd have nothing to blog about if that were the case! Whine on, Carnie.
Supposedly alcohol centers are seeing gastric bypass patients in "record numbers". I guess instead of eating all day long,
they turn to drinking all day long. It's called being a "transfer addict" and it's very easy to see how that happens.
I'm sure they're also seeing "record numbers" of bypass patients because the surgery is so popular now.
I applaud Carnie's husband for issuing her an ultimatum about her drinking because
so many spouses don't know how to deal with it and they go along for the ride.
He told her that they couldn't start a family unless she sobered up, which is great because children do not deserve to be dragged through that mess.
While most people hate the thoughts of good old fashioned sweat and exercise along with a sensible diet, I guess
it really IS the best thing because you're getting used to the new you gradually instead of having to do it almost overnight.

Now I'd like to promise you I won't watch or mention any more Okra this week, but I MUST watch her interview with Madonna today, and I'll tell you why.
My two favorite people to watch getting interviewed are Madge and Janet Jackson. Both are totally defensive in different ways. Both will tell you nothing more than she wants you to know. And both need a good hard bitch slap.
Suppose Oprah says to Janet Jackson, "Are your boobs real?"
Janet would give her that shy look out of one eye--because she usually has a huge hank of hair hanging in her face, obscuring half of her face.
Then she'd glance down, giggle and say ever so softly, "What do you think, Oprah?"
I can almost hear Oprah screaming inside her own head.
Now suppose Oprah said the same thing to Madonna. Madonna would look at her and say, "As real as your "friendship" with Gayle." MEOW!!
And while Madonna pretends to be gracious during interviews, she's very stiff, even more so now that she's found God and turned British.
It's clear that Oprah isn't allowed to get all cosy with her. But I did find it hilarious that Madge
gave her good pal O a watch. And I know this because as infrequently as I watch Oprah, I've heard
her mention this watch like 50 times now. She'll mention it at the DUMBEST times, too.
"....and that's the horrible situation in the Sudan. When my friend Madonna gave me this watch--that I really like--I knew then that
it was time to stop the senseless violence in the world." Oy. She ALWAYS qualifies the statement
with "this watch (flashes it) --that I really like" as if Madge might be watching.
Impossible since Madge doesn't have a tv and doesn't believe in tv......unless she's pimping one of her own pet projects.

I cannot believe Rush Limbaugh called Michael J Fox "shameless" for allegedly exaggerating the symptoms of his Parkinsons in a political ad for stem cell research.
In one of the ads, Fox tells voters what they do "matters to millions of Americans. Americans like me."
Showing people what Parkinsons looks like and putting a face to it is "shameless"?
My definition of "shameless" would be making statements like the following, knowing full well you are a pain pill addict:
"What this says to me is that too many whites are getting away with drug use, too many whites are getting away with drug sales, too many whites are getting away with trafficking in this stuff. The answer to this disparity is not to start letting people out of jail because we're not putting others in jail who are breaking the law. The answer is to go out and find the ones who are getting away with it, convict them and send them up the river, too."
Now THAT's the face of shameless, Rush Limbaugh.

Monday, October 23, 2006

karma police arrest this woman

I'm anxious to see Oprah's show today. Gee, don't hear me using THOSE words very often, do ya?
She's having people who have had gastric bypass and have suddenly adopted new addictions, such as binge drinking or sexual promiscuity.
I knew this sort of shit would happen because surgery does NOT address the issue of why we feel the need to overeat.
It doens't address emotional problems. Plus becoming thin rapidly brings a new set of problems for people who have been
overweight for a long time. I know that sounds weird to thin people, but that's the truth.
And I've read many times that when you gain control in one area of your life, you often find yourself out of control in another area because
most people have more than one addiction. So I'm really curious to hear what these ladies have to say.

I'm so glad that Calvin Klein has clarified that this is an ad for jeans. I thought it was an ad for rimjobs. What a major disappointment. When do we get to the point in advertising history when men are subservient to women, FOR A CHANGE?!

Speaking of Oprah, she had women entreprenauers and mothers from around the world on her show yesterday.
Lisa Ling was talking about women in India and how they're working in call centers now and it's changing the face of the family in India because mothers are working at night and not home with families. Lisa blathered on about wanting to put a "face" to the Indian women we talk to on the phone when we call and get connected to someone working in India.
She said she wanted us to see that while we get angry that we can't understand them, they are women with families, just like we are
Ooooo, somebody break out the tiny violins. .
My heart freaking BLEEDS, Lisa. How 'bout bringing the damn jobs BACK to the U.S. if it's so negatively impacting the culture in India?

Hey, guess what! I got an email from Lynn Anderson yesterday! You remember Lynn, she sang that song, Snowbird.
"So little snowbird take me with you when you go to the land of gentle breezes where the peaceful waters flow."
Oh, wait that was Anne Murray. (And let me tell ya, it frightens me that I still remember all the lyrics to that song.
I learned it during my 'I want to be Anne Murray when I grow up' phase.)
Ok, Lynn sang, "I'm a coal miner's daughter." Nooooo, I don't think that's right. That was Loretta Lynn.
Lynn Anderson is famous for "Don't it make my brown eyes blue." Ahh, shit that was Crystal Gayle, sister of Loretta Lynn. Oh fuck it.
The email wasn't from country singer Lynn Anderson anyway. It was friggin' spam.

The offspring are pissed at me. Hard to imagine, I know. I told them they are ALL going
trick or treating as dirt poor hobo's. That way they can wear their own clothes...

Wow. Check out this email I got from Dan Davis:
"It's an honor to be considered for a possible stalking (tell the four
"hell no's" to kindly fuck themselves), and don't worry 'bout the wife.
She'd probably pay you."
Now HOW IRONIC IS THIS??? Dan then ends the email with the same three words that sealed Mike South's fate. He said: "Keep in touch."
Scary, isn't it? It's like a sign from God that I should stalk Dan.
Zal used the word "deranged" when discussing my possible Dan Davis stalking endeavor. I consider that a solid "yes".
Interesting that the one person who HASN'T weighed in on this whole Dan Davis situation is SOUTH.
You know why? He is hella jealous and afraid to lose THE ONLY GOOD STALKER HE EVER HAD!!

WAIT A MINUTE!! I remember now! Lynn Anderson sang: "I beg your pardon, I never promised you a rose garden.
Along with the sunshine, there's gotta be a little rain sometime."
Again, frightening that I remember all the lyrics.

now *that's* scary

monday's hee haw!

I saw this on one of the forums I frequent and thought it was a hoot.....

Dear Abby

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what
could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife
has been cheating on me.

The usual signs... Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My
wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask
their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know
them." I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she
always walks down the drive, although I can hear a car setting off, as if
she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a

I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went
berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her. Anyway,
I have never broached the subject with my
wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last
night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I
was going to park my Harley Davidson Heritage next to the garage and then
hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she
comes home.
It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I
noticed that the rocker boxes on my engine seem to be leaking a little
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?


turn the beat around

Gawd, I heart small town life. They were discussing the route for the Halloween parade that will take place in
a neighboring township in the paper this morning. They said, "the parade starts at Blah Street, winds down Blah Blah street,
then follows Blah to the Blah Street, and trails along Da Da Street
to the fire company, where it ends." Now the comical thing about this is that the entire parade "route" is, at best, a two minute walk. But it sure SOUNDS grand, doesn't it? LOL!

Last night I was gathering all the things I needed for this years "Is My Costume Hott or Notapoolza":
1. Scathing comments--check
2. Hoveround--check
3. Snicker bars--no check
Well, I'm two thirds of the way there. I told Mr. G that he HAD to buy Snicker bars. The neighborhood kids EXPECT me to have Snickers. If I try to hand out these stupid 8 pack of Halloween crayons, there will be a revolt. Hell, they might even toilet paper my Hoveround. I can't have that! He said, "I'll buy them, but I'm putting them under LOCK and KEY, until Thursday night." Pffft. Like I care.
(Pssst, I've already bought replacement bags of Snickers for when I eat the ones he brings....)
I must admit no one has ever really beaten Tim Case's genius in the costume department.
BTW, when it's cold outside he only needs an ankle sock to cover that bad boy.

Because I was too lazy to change the channel after The Soup was over, I was forced to suffer through several minutes of The Carters reality show. They're five brothers and sisters living together. Basically it consisted of them screaming at each other, which seems to be their chosen mode of communication, and then I went deaf.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

i wanna be great like elvis without the tassels hire eight body guards that love to beat up assholes

In an effort to teach my offspring good eating habits, I took them to some nutritional classes this past week. During one, the nutritionist, who was pimping healthy snacks, said, "You can slice an apple in 30 seconds." Male Offspring #1 said, "So? My mother can eat one of those huge Snicker bars in five seconds." All eyes in the class were on me.
I looked at him and said, "SHUT UP!" and then "Seriously, five seconds? Really? I thought it was at least seven. Cool! What about the Milky Ways?"
He said, "Sorry, ten seconds. The caramel slows you down." Ahhh, well. A noble goal, my friends.

It's comical to me how some people react to a person's profession, even in blog form. I read a lot of cop blogs--yes, big surprise
I know. I'll be honest, I find myself curbing my language, which is funny cuz they probably use--if not hear--much worse than I could
ever come up with. But Daddy taught me to be never drink whiskey straight from the bottle and to be polite to the poleece,
so it's nice that I can get one of the two right.
Anywho, some of the chicks are so funny when they reply to cops' posts.
I could write, "Today I wiped a hobo's butt" and people would say stuff like, "what kind of gross weirdo are you?" "Sicko!"
But a cop could write "Today I wiped a hobo's butt," and the chicks would be all "OMG!!! you are the SWEETEST person on the planet!" LOL...I just love it.

Bruno was talking about a suggestion by the gub'nor of Missouri that the teachers in his state be armed in the classroom. He thought it was a bad idea. I have to disagree. Think about it. The kids are acting up. You whip that gun out of your desk, wave it in the air and scream, "DON'T MAKE ME SHOOT YOU!" Instantly the little rug rats settle their asses down. Guns: a healthy alternative to Ritalin.

Damn. How dumb can some people get? I was watching Video on Patrol yesterday and it showed a guy at a small gas station trying to break the lock on the gas pump. First he tried pliers and when they didn't work, he tried a BLOW TORCH on the lock. Yes, a friggin' blow torch near a gas pump. Then he took off his shirt, dropped it on the ground and tried the blow torch again. Natch the shirt caught fire but he quickly stomped it out. He was finally able to get into the gas pump, filled up his truck and left. He's lucky he wasn't blown sky high. And for what? The cops arrested his ass anyway after viewing the tape.

My number one bitch on COPS? When they arrest guys who scream like chicks....
Number two bitch? Guys who say the word "sir" 90 times in one conversation. "Sir, yes, sir, I'll get my license, sir!"

every day feels like sunday baby every day feels so good

Sigh. Winter is upon us. Yesterday morning on the way to work,
I had to turn on the defrost. Or as I like to refer to it, "the po' man's air conditioner".

Yesterday I watched "Mom's Got a Date With a Vampire" with the kids. While we were watching, I said, "Kids, if my current
husband and I ever broke up, would you care if I dated a vampire?"
General concensus was they wouldn't care if I dated an orangutan as long as it got me out of the trailer and out of their lives.
Oh, and they'd be all for me marrying the orangutan if he gave them a good allowance.

While I was at work yesterday, Mr. G and my mother "mixed it up" BUT good. Ugh.
I hate feeling like I'm in the middle of those two all the time. On the upside, it's wonderful
having a husband who defends me all the time, and has from the very start.
My mother is a bull headed P.I.T.A. and she can't stand the fact that Mr. G is not afraid to speak up for himself. If
she only knew how many MORE times he's wanted to speak up for himself, aka blast her a new one, but I (unwisely)
try to keep the peace. I say "unwisely" because the more he holds in his resentment, the angrier he gets. It would be better
to let him blow off steam. But that's not my family way, damn it! We hold in our anger, pretending everything is
goodness and light when we're together, then the minute we're with our own families,
we talk about each other behind the other's back. That's the way it should be!

I think the song "Sexy Love" by NE YO is GREAT to listen to while making love or making out. BUT don't take my word for it.
Have sex to it, then email me and let me know how things went.
BTW, there's a familiar rift all through out the background of that song, but I don't know what it is. For some reason,
I keep thinking it's from a Michael Jackson song, but music aficionados with good ears would know better than I. So, Jay, what's the song? LOL!

Bugs was gracious enough to remind me to watch Sandra Lee's Semi Homemade Halloween show yesterday.
What a hoot. Sandra wore Cher, Madonna, Barbra Streisand and Liza Minelli costumes. The only one
that looked decent was Barbra. It was so comical the way Sandra kept reminding us that she
was "really Sandra Lee," as if we would be so taken in by the costume that we wouldn't recognize her.
Bless her heart. I wish I had pics of her ala Cher, so you, too, could be astounded by the similarities, but I
don't. I do, however, have this very interesting "costume" from Sandra Lee's online mag.
I'm not sure if it's a "trailer park teen" costume or a Mrs. Federline costume. Same diff really....

How does that song go? "It's a sign of the times, something, something, something, something, something."
The Boy Scouts now have a new merit badge for .....wait for it.......COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT!!
BTW, I don't have the copyright for the picture of that badge. I stole it from another site.
I don't have a clue as to what this badge has to do with scouting, but I hope the boys erase all their stolen downloads before participating.
"Scouts will be instructed in the basics of copyright law and learn how to identify five types of
copyrighted works and three ways copyrighted materials may be stolen. Scouts also must choose one activity
from a list that includes visiting a movie studio to see how many people can be harmed by film piracy." LOL!
Reminds me of that hilarious South Park ep on downloading songs form the internet when the FBI showed
the boys how the celebs were hurt by downloading. Recording artists were doomed to a life of semi-luxury.

Ok, here's my predicition about the World Series: IF the Tigers make
it into the World Series, Jim Leyland will find a way to fug it up, as evidenced by the Pirate/ Atlanta playoffs of '90, '91 and '92.
The Marlins win of '97 doesn't count! Nobody takes a team named after a fish seriously.

I was listening to CNN yesterday and they were talking about Heather Mills' latest allegations
of spousal abuse against Paul McCartney. Now I don't think McCartney laid a hand on her; he just doesn't strike me as the violent type.
But one of his friends defended the allegations by saying, "He is an icon." IF he did use her as batting practice, the fact that he is a music icon is irrelevant.
That sort of attitude towards celebs is what's wrong with this country.

I saw a few seconds of Bruce Willis getting his star on the walk of fame yesterday.
It was on the TV Guide channel while I was checking stations, just so ya don't think I have *any* life.
The chicks were snapping pics of Bruce. SCREW BRUCE!! The cop walking beside him was hella hott!! I would have been taking *his* pic.

I've tried and tried, but I just can't get into 'Scrubs." Comedy Central has been rerunning old eps
and I just don't find it very funny. Sigh. I'm hard to please when it comes to tv. One show I'm
LOVING, though, is Anne Heche's Men In Trees. It is consistently funny and very well written.

And that's my two cents .

Saturday, October 21, 2006

peace out

Ok, I got three emails saying, "yes, you should stalk Dan," four "hell, no!" three "I don't think we can sit through another
one of your crushes"; one "what would Jesus do?" Personally I don't think that's relevant because I'm fairly certain Dan isn't Jesus' type.
One person said, "Goddess, what do you know about him?" Duh. He's HOTT. What else do I NEED to know?!
And one "why does my bf want me to swallow when his cum tastes so yucky?"
That last one might not have anything to do with the stalking issue. I'm so confused.

Phew! I passed again. Every time I see one of those "*Insert # Here* Worst Money Mistakes You Can Make"
articles on MSN, I have to make sure I haven't made them. Once again I passed the big three! Don't use home equity
to pay off your house (or trailer), don't borrow from 401k (easy to do when you don't have one:), and don't stretch to
buy your home. Hell, I wish! What makes me laugh about these articles is that the writer keeps using the same damn
mistakes only sometimes it will be ten worst mistakes or five worst mistakes. Now that's using your smarts to make money freelancing.
Another thing I'm going to remember when I'm a famous writer.

I loved this line used on MSNBC this morning when discussing Keith Urban's recent stint in
rehab: "Popular star's dramatic move to break his addiction." When you or I have an addiction,
we're an alcoholic or a junkie. When a celeb has an addiction, they're brave and they're an example to the rest of us po' junkies and winos....
Another really funny thing this same reporter said was during
the story about a man dressed in a gorilla
suit who grabbed a child and ran with him. She was talking to an "expert" and she said, "Do parents
and kids have to be on heightened alert anywhere and everywhere they go these days?"
"Heightened alert"? Notice how the Bush/terrorism terminology has worked it's way into our every day lives?
The only time I'm on "heightened alert" at the grocery store is when we're in the snack aisle,
and I see someone else reaching for the last bag of my favorite candy. Then it's on, people! It's on.

I was watching Court TV last night and a cop stopped a woman who had accrued so many unpaid tickets, that a warrant had been issued for her arrest.
The cop kept explaining to her that he had to take her to the station to take care of the warrant, and she was equally adament that she was not budging.
At one point, she screamed, "I'm not going! I'm not going! You take care of it!"
THEN she screamed, "Shoot me! I don't care! Kill me!"
After arguing with her for ten minutes, I'm sure the cop was only too willing to comply with her request.

My gf's sister had yet another baby. This is number five. My gf showed me the announcment. It read, "Babies are so cuddly and fun,
we thought we'd have another one! Come see our baby and enjoy, the sweetness of our little boy."
Ok, I'm fairly certain people said almost the exact same thing during that whole Beanie Baby craze.
"Beanie Babies are so cuddly and fun, we thought we'd waste money on another one!"
And what do they have now, people? A freaking closet full of dust
collecting Beanie Babies.....ALL with the tags still on 'em. When I see that I just
want to get out the scissors and start snipping those tags left and right.
Let me set the record straight: Babies are NOT cuddly and fun. At best they will suck the life right out of you, which is
why you can't afford a 401K plan. At worst, they smell like poop and urine ALL THE TIME.

OMG! Vince Vaughn is threatening to sue the tabloids! Quick! Somebody start caring!

I've been walking around the last few days singing a commercial jingle. I had no idea
what commercial it was from, but the jingle was "I see possibilities, maybe more than meets the eye!"
As I'm writing this the commercial came on the air. It was for Pillsbury rolls. Figures since the doughboy IS one of my idols.

As you all know--because I've bored you with the details--I'm fed up with
Overtime Hawg stealing all the extra hours at work.
So instead of just getting pissed, I am determined to kick start my writing career
and leave this crappy job in the dust. I am going to save every penny I make writing so Mr. G can retire early.
One of my favorite mags is Country, so I decided to write a cutesy, but educational story
about one of my offspring. I sent this entry:
"My son really wanted a BB gun. I felt he wasn't ready to accept the responsibilty, but his father felt the gun would be the perfect learning tool.
I sent him outside to play one sunny morning and he took his gun with him. A short time later, he came running in, crying about the fact that he killed a mother bird. Now the baby bird had no one to feed it." Ok, I think you know where I went with this story. I explained to them that I made my son feed the bird every day until it was old enough to find it's own food. I was quite pleased with my story. So much so that I spent the check I thought I would get on candy, romance novels and crappy, fake QVC
jewelry designed to make people think I could afford the real thing. Unfortunately, all
I got back was this note: "We loved this story...........................when it was on the Andy Griffith show."
Damn it. I should have changed Opie and Aunt Bee's names. I knew I forgot something.

Friday, October 20, 2006

close to danger

Unbelievable. The priest who admitted to fondling Mark Foley said that Mark
should "remember the good times" they had and to stop "dwelling" on what happened.
"Remember that time I sucked your semen like a Hoover, Mark? Good times, good times.
Go in peace to love and serve the Lord....and any horny priests you may encounter along the way."
Ok, now the really comical part of all of this--yes, there's a comical part to me--is
that the priest is blaming HIS perversion on depression. Doesn't anybody take personal responsibility for their actions?
I always take responsibilities for my actions....unless it's the kids' fault. And it usually is.

I can tell Dan Davis has had dealings with Mike South.
Yesterday Dan sent me his own picture,
making him, what I refer to as, a "pro active, take charge possible stalkee."
Dan also sent along the message that South is slower than a hillbilly reading Dr. Seuss.
(Funny he should mention that. South once told me Seuss' characterizations were mesmerizing and his plot twists were brilliant.)
I'm yakking to South on IM the other night and
he says, "You know I do have those pics of Dan for you."
Next morning I read, "Well, I'm in Ohio this week..." Son of a...
Good thing Dan's on top of this.
So I'm thinking about stalking Dan, but here's the deal: he's married. Now I wouldn't care, but nobody seems
to know what his wife is like, so I'm concerned as to whether or not she could beat me up and smash my Hoveround.
This is why I never stalked Tim Case. I feared Fifi's wrath.
Hey, I worked HARD to scam Medicare out of that Hoveround and I don't want to lose it!
Oh, yeah, and I'm kinda partial to the way my face looks now. You know, no broken bones.
So what do you think? Should I stalk Dan?
I think it would be kind of interesting to stalk a hottie AND an intellectual this time around. I've never done that before.
*cough* *cough*
Hotties are great but when the crush wears off ya have nothing to talk about except their love of fishing and bukkakes.
When I first saw Dan's picture on the cover of AVN, a voice in my head said, "What in the world did you EVER see in South?!"
Then another voice said, "Ummm, hellooou? South? WEB MASTER? Ability to kick your site offline?" Oooops.
Still a third voice said, "When do we get to eat all the Halloween Snicker bars?"
And the fourth voice said, "Get some anti-anxiety meds. There are way too many voices in here..."
BTW, s ad thing about Dan losing his right arm, huh? Rumor is he stepped into the middle of a porn chick fight and stepped out minus a limb.
You never want to get between two cat fightin' porn chicks.
Ok ok, that pic might have been part of this pic, but everybody knows I don't stomach the chicks on my site!!
So tell me, should I stalk Dan or not???

I just wanna send a shout out to my many, many readers in Trinidad and Tobago!

Thursday, October 19, 2006

i see possiblities more than meets the eye

I liked Rob Riggles first report for The Daily Show, despite the fact that it went on way too long.
I liked it because Rob's a HOTTIE. I was going to email him and tell him that I liked it until I read this on his site, "No promises on return email, sorry." Forget it. That just reeks of "I do not have TIME for you! I am a celebrity!"
When I become a rich and famous writer, I'm going to continue to answer ALL my email, even the spam because that's just the kind of gal I am! I will love even the little people...

I was watching a show last night on Court TV--either Anatomy of a Crime or Forensic Files--in which an entire
family had been found murdered. Mr. G wanted to watch his boxing, so I told him I didn't care if he used the tv.
While he was rewinding his tape, he was listening to the show and he said, "Why do you always
watch this kind of stuff? Every time I come in here, you're listening to some kind of murder or kidnapping story."
I have to say that I watch Court TV more than any other channel, and it IS kinda funny considering horror movies and such scare the crap out of me.
Even though I've never seen an episode of CSI, I find it really intriguing the way they solve crimes. I think CSI doesn't interest me because it's fiction.
The other night I watched one show about a young girl who had been murdered.
They had nothing except a wad of chewing gum one of the murderers had spit out at the scene.
They were able to get a conviction. It's amazing how the truth comes out, soemtimes years later.
But dang it, I have no idea who killed the family in the show from last night or why.

I find the murder of fashion writer Crista Worthington fascinating, too. I don't know why. What's interesting about her case is how many guys she had/was having sex with!
The chick was NOT sexually inhibited by any means. One "friend" described her as an "equal opportuntiy employer," as in she didn't care who she slept with.
I keep wondering where Christa's 2 year old
daughter was at the time the murder took place. It makes me ill to think she watched it or heard it, but it was
so violent one wonders how she couldn't have been a witness. Plus, Richard McGowan, who is
on trial for the murder, blamed someone else saying that he couldn't "kill someone with their child present, " but he did admit to hitting her a couple times in the face.
So that kind of makes me think she was there. Even sadder, more poignant was when the neighbor found the body,
the little girl was sitting beside her mother, who lay in a pool of blood, dead for the last day and a half, and she said, "Mommy fell down."

And what about Nicole's mother insisting that her grandson was really murdered, ALLEGEDLY by Howard K Stern?
According to gramma, should Anna die at this point, everything she owns would go to Howard. Hmmm, interesting.
And interesting also that he's pushing to be named the child's father when this photographer insists the baby is his.
Maybe because he'd have control of the child's money, too?
The police are puzzled by the fact that the son had ingested methadone and no one
seems to know where he got it because apparently he had no drugs on him.

When I mentioned the "Night of Too Many Stars" sucking, I forgot to mention Jerry Seinfeld's
appearance. That's the first time I've seen him since his show ended, but he did a bit on cell phones and he WAS very funny.

halloween flashers

Gawd, I wish my boobs were that FIRM!!!!!

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

seriously entertaining

They finally had the Oprah/state trooper incident. Trooper Buddy Carey pulled over the lead car of her caravan, and all the others stopped behind his cruiser.
He came over to Oprah's car and said, "I did not pull you over. Get off of my highway!" LOL. It was kinda comical to watch.
He was upset because the other vehicles had pulled up behind his cruiser instead of in front of the car he stopped, which never would have occurred to me.
It was comical, though, the way he did a complete turn around when Gayle said, "We're with the Oprah show. This is Oprah Winfrey."
And yes, he was in the studio. And yes, he was HOTT.
I love the fact that on the LAST DAY they decide to use the Onstar in their vehicle to find a restaurant.
All this time listening to them piss and moan about being lost and they had freaking Onstar.

How naive am I? Tonight on COPS, the one police officer said "We're going to a call. The man has a lab in his car."
I immediately thought, "Oooooo, I love dogs!"
While I *thought* he meant Labrador, he really meant a rolling meth lab. Sigh.

tuesday again

I was going to spend the entire rainy day in bed cuz it was BEAUTIFUL this morning--dark, windy and rainy--but around noonish I decided I was too hungry to put off shopping till Thursday. Because Wally World is the only place I can find my beloved CRUNCHY Smucker's All Natural Peanut Butter, that was the store of choice. May I just say that I was pissed by the lack of greeting I received from the greeter? I don't care if she WAS 80 years old. If your job is to say, "Good afternoon," how much of a slacker are you if you don't even say that?!
OFF WITH HER HEAD!! Ya know if I hadn't been so busy trying to switch tags on a Henley I wanted, I would have reported her.

Caught some of Glenn Beck's week long series on pornography which started last night. I had never seen his show before
and had no idea which way he swung on the issue of porn, but it didn't take long to figure out. His first guest was John Ashcroft,
who talked about how he prayed before the start of each and every day. Right away, I thought, "hmm, ok that's not good."
Then they brought out a couple whose marriage had almost been destroyed by porn. Hell, if he's starting OUT
the week with that type of story, I can only imagine how much worse it's going to get by the time Friday rolls around.

Monday, October 16, 2006

finger lickin' good

Yesterday Sister Mary PainInMyAss called me from Our Lady of Perpetual Guilt Grade School to complain about Male Offspring #7's "mouth".
When she said she wanted to see me in her office pronto, I just knew he
had done something stellar and she was about to brag. (Yeah, right.)
I sat down and she said, "We always learn the most interesting things from your children."
Of course, the tone of her voice suggested otherwise, but I played along and smiled. "Excellent," I said.
Sistah: "For instance, today we learned in religion class that God's last name is 'damn'."
Me: "Oh, you didn't know that already? I thought everybody knew that."
Sistah: "Yes, and now all the other children know it, too."
*insert a proud mother's smile here*
Sistah: "Then we learned that Jesus' full name is 'Sweet Jesus, cut that shit out'!"
Me: "Yeah, my kids are like little sponges, soaking up that knowledge 24/7/365."
Hahahahaha...ha...............ha. "Hey, at least he didn't tell you Mary's last name."
Sistah: "Yes, he did."
Oooops. That one will blister the paint right off the walls.
I am so calling his dad at the state prison and complaining. That f'ing jerk off has got to watch his
damn mouth around my kids. The dumb son of a bitch should know how impressionable they are by now!

After just five weeks and two days, our beloved Kia has been returned to us outfitted with a lovely (used) gas tank.
The guy at the dealership who promised we'd have one no later than Saturday can suck donkey balls.
He knows damn well they weren't going to magically find ONE gas tank from a '97 car in Korea.
Korea crapsmanship must be wonderful if every gas tank they had here in the U.S. (all five of 'em) had a defect.

Have you seen the commercial for Disaronno in which the oversexed gal is sitting across from the hunky bartender?
The announcer dude says, "Disaronno's warm and sensual? sexual? taste makes you wish it would never end."
The bartender goes to remove the chick's glass and she stops him with her hand, then takes
out one of the ice cubes and brings it towards her mouth. I wonder what she's trying to say?
"I'm building an igloo and I could really use this ice?"
"I had to starve myself for this commercial, so I'm going to eat this entire ice cube without guilt, damn it!"
"I'm a cheap 'ho willing to practice my oral skills on a complete stranger."

BTW, what happened to the bird flu? Wasn't it just a few short months ago when we were all doomed to an avian death?
Now with the elections and this whole North Korea thing, you don't hear a damn thing about the bird flu.
No doubt it'll stay on the back burner until a slow news period.

the ultimate trick

I am totally pissed! Seems Lurlene is spreading it all over the trailer court that the twit that
jumped the fence at the White House on Saturday was one of MY offspring! Not true! My offspring are soft and lazy. There's not a jumper among them! I'm sorry, but they need to get rid of that chickenwire fence at the White House. Beef up security, for Pete's sake.

In case you haven't seen him, here is the new TMX Elmo in action.
That would hold even my youngest offspring's attention for no longer than five minutes.
Then the others would haul Elmo's ass outside and use him for target practice.

I was really disappointed in the "Night of Too Many Stars" Comedy Central telethon for autism.
It was hosted by Jon Stewart and everybody seemed to be trying much too hard, especially Mike Meyers and Martin Short.
The only genuinely funny segment was the one with Steve Carell making an appeal to rich cats.
The hilarious part was when his co-star from The Office, Oscar Nunez did the appeal in Spanish and there
was a puppet kitten in the corner of the screen doing sign language to translate. That bit is on the
Comedy Central site, so you can save yourself a whole lot of hurt by watching it there.

I ordered the Marshall Plan Workbook late Friday evening from Amazon. The shipping and handling was $3.99,
but if I wanted it by Monday (today), which I did, the shipping jumped to $9.50. At that point I was feeling fairly
cheap and decided to let the cards fall where they may.
I chose regular shipping and saw that the delivery date was going to be somewhere around the 20th. Bummer.
But later when I saw it was shipped
from Warren, PA on Saturday, I knew I'd done the right thing. I got it today anyway. Whooo hooo!
The one thing I really like about Amazon is that their shipping time is usually pretty fast.

I watched some of Ellen today...yes, deliberately.
I don't think I have ever (deliberately) sat down and watched an entire episode of her talk show.
The only time I watch it is usually when I'm waiting for the car at the garage and there's no remote.
Coincidentally, the only time I watch Reege on purpose is when I'm in the chiropractor's office and there's no remote.
But I digress. All weekend long, I'd been seeing Ellen sobbing on commercials in which she pimped a visit to a hypnotist, Paul McKenna.
She was sobbing and talking about how upsetting her mysterious problem was. She went so far as to say it was a "pretty scary thing to share with everybody".
Her scary problem? Smoking. Oooo, I know I was scared.
Frankly, I'm surprised she's never tried hypnosis for that problem before now. If I was super rich (and lived anywhere near a hypnotist), I'd sure as hell go.
I think the problem is that so many hypnotists indulge in show business theatrics where they make people act like
monkeys on stage, and any value that might be gained from hypnosis as a tool of change is lost. People tend to mistrust it. I think the one big misnomer I always see is
that you're cured instantly. Truth is you might be cured instantly for the time being, but you have to keep going back to reinforce the changes that were made.
And if your hypnotist tricks you into sucking his cock every time he says the words "how are you today?" well, that's your problem. But enough about my fantasies...

Today I received the spam email "wanna last longer in bed?" and I had to delete it.
Hell, I've been sleeping past noon all week. If I last any longer in bed, I won't be getting up till suppertime.
If I so much as look at the clock before 11, Holly gives me that "what? ALREADY?!" look.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

it's not healthy for me to feel this way

The "blonde" in the Vonage dolphin commercial is actually brunette model, Linda O'Neil. And while she's proud of her brunette "roots", I think she's much sexier as a blonde.

Yesterday as I was at the toy store picking up a gift for one of my many, many relatives who
doesb't know the value of birth control, the cashier said to me, "Too bad about those TMX Elmos, huh?"
The minute she mentioned Elmo five of my offspring slunk away in different directions. A suspicion raiser if ever there was one.
Me: "What do you mean?"
Cashier: "Remember when you were in here a few months back and I told you we were taking reservations for them, but we weren't sure we could get them? You asked for four of them. Well, they came in last week. I called your place but your kids said you were away and that we should give the Elmos to someone else."
I instantly had visions of five kids walking home from the mall, but in the spirit of the upcoming season, I contained myself and tried to be gracious about the whole fucking thing.
Me: "Well at least the kids who get them will love them I'm sure."
Cashier: "I don't know about that. The guy that bought them said he was going to sell them on eBay."
fuckinglittledirtyrottensonofabitches !!

I spent most of Saturday working with my Dramatica Pro software. Sigh. Who knew storytelling was so damn complicated?
Here's just one example of the confusing lingo I had to deal with::
"A choice of logical selects a psychology for the Main Character based on causal relationships. The logical Main Character solves problems by examining what cause or group of causes is responsible for an effect or group of effects. The effort made to solve the problem will focus on affecting a cause, causing an effect, affecting an effect or causing a cause."
And there are so many facets to Dramatica Pro that it gets confusing at times.
Here are my options:
A. Read and learn all I can about the software and through repetitive usage become more familiar with it's components or
B. Sucker someone else into using the program and telling me how it works.
The logical answer is, of course, B.

so wrong and yet so damn funny....

Sally Field should look this good....

And my favorite one of all.....

I'm sorry, but that is one homely monkey! LOL;)

barenaked ladies

My alarmist relative has once again sent me an interesting email forward. This time it's an email campaign against NBC.
Apparently they are planning to show Madonna's crucifixion scene but refused to show Danish newspaper cartoons depicting Muhammed in a "negative light." From this, the super duper Christian bridgade has decided that NBC has respect for Muslims, but no respect for Christians. My cuz wants me to email NBC and complain. Will I? Hell, no.
Who on this planet hasn't figured out by now that Madonna will say or do anything to get attention? And really, who gives a shit anymore?
I don't care if she has a cross coming out of her butthole at this point. She's childish and an attention whore of the worst kind. And I'm doing the best thing I can do in the circumstances, ignoring her. And if these people had any sense, they'd do the same thing.
Now the funny thing about this email is that it provides a LINK of pictures showing Madonna's crucifixion scene! LOL! Way to give her MORE publicity.

It was sad to see Arnold Palmer tearing up today when he announced he would no longer play tournament golf.
But can you imagine how great it would be to do something that you love for 60 years and make good money doing it?

Did you hear about the teen who posted a pic of Bush along with the words, "Kill Bush"
and was yanked out of class by the Secret Service?
She said they "yelled" and "were unnecessarily mean".
Mean? LOL. The twit threatened the President. What does she expect?
But still, I I find that mean behavior rather shocking.
We all know the Secret Service guys are such pussy cats.

This morning when I was listening to CNN, I heard a story about young boys and anorexia.
It's becoming a growing problem with the male population now, too.
Apparently the boys are being influenced by muscle magazines and muscle bound action figures.
But what is the toy industry to do? You can't have a fat action hero. "Look, kids! Up in the sky! Is it a bird?
Is it a plane? No, it's 4000 Calories A Day Man! He's --holy shit! Scatter! He's dropping like a stone!"

Ok, that commercial for 36 hour Cialis is TACKY. Grandma and Grandpap are heading up the steps to the bedroom---and
they're not planning on knitting sweaters for the homeless, kids. Anywho, the doorbell rings and it's the kids with the grandkids.
While the kids are playing in the background, Grandma is whispering dirty talk into Grandpap's ear and it CREEPS ME OUT!! Besides, if my guy is going to take a 36 hour pill, we are gonna be BANGING IT FOR THE FULL 36 HOURS!!

I was watching UFC Unleashed with Mr. G and I have to say, fighter Chuck Liddell is rather attractive, doggone it. He's a manly man that gets my motor running.

Check this out. It's an old trailer with an "upstairs". Mushy mentioned them and I have to admit, I've never seen one. But, of course, you can see by the date that it's way, way, wayyyyyy before my time.

Speaking of my running motor, we have just ended week five with no Kia.
It was all I could do not to call up the ASSHOLE who promised us we'd have a gas tank "by the end of this week" and ream him out.
The only thing holding me back is the fact that he's the person in charge of getting us a tank.
Fuck with him and I'm sure he'll "forget" to call Korea. And this is what's making me really angry, though.
He keeps telling us that he's in contact with Kia Motors in Korea every few days. Ok you fucking ask them if they have a tank
and the answer should be "yes" or more than likely "no". Why do we need to keep "checking" with them?
The fact that they keep putting us off tells me they don't have one.

I don't get why celebrities lie about the obvious. Like Madonna saying over
and over that she wasn't going to adopt a child. THEN she adopts a child. Oy.
What's the big secret? Not like everyone isn't going to find out anyway. That's the reason why I tend to believe
rather than disbelieve the things that I see in The Enquirer and rags like it.
Because if they out and out lie about obvious things without compunction, I tend to think they'll lie about other stuff, too.

Friday, October 13, 2006

hair today, gone tomorrow

I purchased Jonathan Serious Volume™ Shampoo and Conditioner from QVC.
Jonathan is the overly dramatic, annoying hairdresser dude on the reality show Blow Out.
Total cost for the two items was $41...more money than I've EVER paid for shampoo IN MY LIFE.
I have blonde hair and blonde hair tends to be very dry.
First up let me say that his conditioner and "dirt texturizing paste" smell FANTASTIC. AND the smell lasts in your hair.
I can smell it all day long. To be fair, my hair does look less dry but ONLY after using the texturizing paste. Shampoo and Conditioner alone doesn't do it.
I bought the shampoo, too, because my hair is so flat and I figured any shampoo that has SERIOUS volume must be well, serious about volume.
Imagine my disappointment when my hair was every bit as flat with the $20 "serious volume" shampoo as it is with the $1 Suave shampoo.
Do I have people coming up to me telling me how FABULOUS my hair looks? Not hardly.
What gets me though is how Jonathan's always talking about the "all natural" ingredients in his products, and right on the side of the shampoo bottle, it says "No alcohol."
Of course that doesn't really explain why the second and third ingredients are cetyl alcohol and cetearyl alcohol.
But it does contain good stuff like sweet almond protein and "exotic butters."
Anyway, let me pass on a small tip my hairdresser gave me: if your hair is dry looking after
you've blown it dry, take a TEENY BIT of your conditioner and work it through your hair.
That works every bit as well as expensive texturing pastes or smoothing gels.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

until i hear it from you

So after telling Mushy I was going to stick with it yesterday, I've already switched back from Beta Yahoo email to the old style.
No damn wonder I have so many divorces under my belt.
The one thing I loved about the new email was being able to open more than one message at a time.
Then you can bounce back and forth by clicking on email tabs and work from there. BUT it doesn't have the
boxes in front of each email that would allow me to delete several at one time. Lately I'm getting more
spam in my inbox than ever and oddly enough my legit mail seems to go into my bulk folder. But I tried
holding down control, highlighting several emails and then hitting delete, but more often than not it
resulted in opened spam, which is going to give me ever more farking spam. Lovely. Also when you open
your mail there's a huge news panel that takes up most of the page. I couldn't find a way to get rid of that.
And last but not least, a feature I thought would be great, the ability to see if any of my RSS feeds
had been updated, wasn't even working. I tried to import several feeds and it gave me an error message each time.
Now I see Hotmail has Beta advertised and I'm thinking that might only be an improvement on their current system, which I hate.

It greatly amused me to read this on South's page yesterday, "To address a few issues, anyone who thinks I have a cat,
much less one named Mr Snuggles probably also believes I am on Jenny Craig and like the brownies nest." Ok,
I'm thinking he meant "the brownies BEST," unless they eat nests in the South. But great save, South.
Of course you don't have a cat named Mr. Snuggles, because HE'S DEAD NOW! You killed him with your irresponsibility!

I LOVE THIS!! It's the Trailer Trash Barbie/GI JOE CLOPS vid. It's also got the arrest of Santa,
my all time favorite CLOPS segment. UTube also has a bunch of other CLOPS ep. I love it when they
arrest two M&M's and when they're putting one into the cruiser, the CLOP says, "Watch your shell."

Last night I tried to figure out why I was so depressed.
Was it because the weather had suddenly turned colder? Nah, don't think so. No more sweating off my makeup.
Was it because Male Offspring #7 tried to flush 3 of his Matchbox cars down the toilet and ended up flooding the entire bathroom? Nah, don't think so.
The "flood" washed the floor for the first time in months.
Was it because I still hadn't gotten those pics of Dan Davis that South promised? Hmmm, possibly but then
I'm used to South moving like a slug. If I get them before Christmas I'll be shocked.
Hell, I'm still waiting on pics FROM VEGAS that he promised me, so it couldn't be that.
What could it possibly be? Damned if I know but I'm going to lay in bed with Holly all day and think about it....

Way to go Campbell's Chunky Soups for showing those commercials
with Matt Hasselbeck, quarterback for THE LOSING SUPERBOWL TEAM.
Pittsburgh was fucked. They played McNabb's commercials
during the winning Steeler season and went right from him to Hasselbeck.
IF these ads were filmed this summer when Ben was hurt, then they should have used another Steeler in their ads.
And that is why I will no longer eat Campbell's canned soup........that and the excessively high sodium content.

Female Offspring #8 was really worried that Santa would not be able to get into our trailer this year
and leave her presents.
Somebody told her that we don't have a fireplace and that our chimney leads right into the furnace.
They also went on to to tell her that Santa would be baked to a delicious crisp in seconds. Along with all of her presents.
I don't know WHO would tell her that, but when I found out which offspring it was--and I would--an ass whoopin' would be the order of the day.
Anyway, she's been crying about it almost every day. Last week I found this "Magic Key" in a mail order catalog.
I sat down and explained to her that although we didn't have a fireplace,
we would write a letter to Santa, telling him where we hung the magic key to the front door so he could find it.
That seemed to satisfy her. She was happy and smiling at the prospect of Santa being able to gain legal entry to the trailer.
A few minutes later I heard her bawling. I ran into the living room and there's Male Offspring #6 going, "See? The key
doesn't fit in that door either! Santa's screwed and so are you!"
And I was 100% right. An ass whoppin' *was* the order of the day. He hasn't been in this
much trouble since he tampered with the brakes on my Hoveround and pushed me down the drive.
Luckily for him my excessive weight slows the Hoveround down to a crawl and I was able to smack the crap out of him even as I was rolling away.

I commend Paris Hilton for grinding herself half naked over a teen age boy in her music
video "Nothing In The World." Way to go, Paris.
You show the world that you have a brain, and that some day you damn well intend to think about using it.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

dont look now there's a monkey on your back

I am totally depressed today. Don't ask me why. I just am. Ever have one of those days? You can't blame it on any one thing.....sigh. It just is.

I get so sick of these news shows that depict people who make minimum wage like we're freaks.
Like Jane Goodall is crouching in the shadows, watching, waiting, researching our every move.
Yes, Goddess earns fucking minimum wage. As if that hasn't been painfully obvious all along.
Those stupid news shows always go something like this....
It shows the family trailer from the outside, faux wood siding and all. The camera hones in on cracked window panes and broken wooden porch steps.
A "Welcome" sign sways in the breeze, hanging from one nail.
Then the camera focuses on a broken down Monte Carlo in the driveway and the news twit says,
"Let us now observe the minimum wageigans in their natural habitat: poverty." The camera crew moves inside and they
show the kitchen table. It's complete with a bowl of macaroni and cheese--minus the cheese--one apple
sliced into 25 pieces and a big bowl of plain, white rice--minus the white.
Mother always says something like, "I've learned to make meal stretchers, often times leaving out the expensive meat.
Last night I left the vegetables *and* meat out of the stew and we all had a delicious bowl of hearty broth. Then I froze ten gallons for the upcoming winter months.
We're so grateful for our bounty."
After dinner it shows the kids on the floor playing with their only toys: an empty cardboard box and their imaginations.
Dad, wearing his stained wife beater muscle t and worn jeans, watches from the musty, threadbare couch and
says, "The kids are happy with what they got. Hell, they don't know any better.
You can't miss what you don't have."
And I know he'll say that because some jackass *always* says that. You wanna BET you can't miss what you don't have?
I have never had a skinny ass body, but you can rest assured there isn't a day goes by that I don't miss it.
Then they wrap the whole segment up when some twit in the family--usually Mom--waxes poetic and says, "We might not have much, but at least we have each other."
Whoop de fucking do. Try paying the electric bill with your son and see how far ya get.

While it's ever so sweet of Brad and Whatsherface to adopt kids from foreign countries, with Madonna
possibly following suit, I have to ask, what about the many, many American children stuck in foster care?
Wouldn't it be great if one of these rich celebs gave THEM a "better" life?

I don't like to imply that the news anchors are INSANE, but yesterday when the plane went into the building in New York, the
chick on CNN actually said this, "Any time something like this happens, we note the significance of the date.
We just figured out that tomorrow would be sixth anniversary of the attack on USS Cole in the Port of Yemen."
Like one has anything to do with the other!
We all know why this REALLY happened. Because Friday is the 13th!
When something like this happens, you almost wish you had a quarter for everyone they interview that says, "I heard a loud crash...."
If I lived near the chaos, I gotta admit that once the danger was over, I'd be out there with my
camera snapping pics of all the hottie cops cuz they're distracted by the pandemonium.

For the past couple days, I've had something on my mind that's really bothering me.
I keep trying to push it down and not think about it, but it nags at me constantly.
Last night I woke up about three a.m. and instantly started thinking about it again.
I realized then that I have to address what's bugging me.
Who the hell reads Rex Morgan, M.D.?! The same people who read Mary Worth and Prince Valiant?!

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

head first

Yesterday, as I struggled to sit through yet another excruciatingly painful episode of The Backyardigans,
I wondered why it is that we can't make a children's show that DOESN'T feature annoying, repetitious singing? We hadn't even made it through
the first 15 minutes of The Backyardigans and they sang about six songs. That is SO WRONG! No wonder Female Offspring #8 looks at me funny when I TALK to her.
And no wonder she sings all of her responses....sigh. Yesterday I asked her if she wanted to go to the dollar store with me and she yanked out a hat and cane and put on a full scale production just short of a Broadway play, all to convey that yes, she did want to go. ENOUGH!

No wonder I hated Freak Show on Comedy Central. David Cross, who is behind the show,
couldn't even explain it in his appearance on The Daily Show yesterday. The show is every bit as convoluted (and stupid) as his explanation.

Mark your calendars, kids. After dragging it out for FIVE WEEKS, Oprah is finally going to have
that stupid piece about being stopped by the state troopers in next Tuesday's (17th) show.
Chick definitely started in news if her ability to milk a story is anything to go by.
I didn't even fall for her crap this week. I taped it and blasted through 99.9% of her garbage, stopping only to see what was in the room in Graceland that no one is allowed to enter. They have all of Elvis' stuff stored away, like his jumpsuits and his movie posters and his eyeglasses. They even have old checks that he wrote out, saved because of his signature. It's stored in an earthquake proof and fireproof building. What a waste. Why don't they have it some place where people can enjoy it? Or hell sell some of it and give the $ to much needed charitable organizations? I never did understand the theory behind buying something to never use it. If I shell out hard earned bucks for something, it's going to get used. If I bought a pair of celeb's eyeglasses (which I wouldn't cuz that's super dumb) I'd wear them even if they were the wrong script for my eyes, just to get my $'s worth.

And now let us turn our attention to politics. I hate politics.

So let us turn our attention to science. I hate that shit, too.

I LOVE the commercial for Kibbles and Bits Brushing Bites. It shows the dog standing
on his hind legs, head thrown back, gargling at the bathroom sink. It's a riot!

Monday, October 09, 2006

when did you fall in love with me

It's snowing in the Rockies, kids!

I am not looking forward to winter. I want to stay stuck in autumn mode.
Speaking of fall, I am sooo happy I wasn't home when my gf called and asked me if I wanted to attend this year's Fall Foliage Festival.
I only have so much patience with myself for uttering the same damn phrases (or variations thereof) about leaves.
They only turn red, yellow or orange. Hell, they don't even turn BLUE! I have a hard time finding different ways to react. Last year,
I used up all my "unique" comments like "Wow! They're pretty!" and "Ooooo, how bright!" within the first five minutes.
I was disgusted I'd left my thesaurus at home because clearly that was a thesaurus situation.

Everytime there's a shooting, such as the one in PA this week, people immediately start talking about stricter gun laws.
As you know, I'm not a fan of guns myself, but even I know that stricter gun laws is NOT the answer to this sort of situation.
The nutjobs will ALWAYS manage to get their hands on guns, and stricter gun laws only
leaves innocent people without guns to defend themselves.

I was riding with C.P. last week and there were a group of striking teachers standing along the
roadside holding signs that read, "Honk if you support us."
So C.P. honked several times.
I said, "So you think it's ok for teachers to strike?"
And he said, "Huh? I blew my horn because blonde chick in the red was va-va-va-voom!" Sigh.

Tommy Lasorda's ads for FOX and the baseball playoffs are hysterical! I love them.
Another great commercial running now is the Vonage ad with the blonde chick at the beach. She is PERFECT playing the
dumb blonde who spots the "dolphins" (sharks) and wants to swim with them. When she's bonked in the head with
the Vonage phone box, her fall into the sand is a riot. The ironic thing is that she's played by brunette model Linda O'Neil, a woman who was quite proud of her brunette "roots." I think she's sexier as a blonde.

I was listening to CNN last night while working on jigsaw puzzles and I heard an ad for the station
that said, "Tonight: The stories that really matter." What does that mean?! That the crap we listening to all day doesn't mean diddly?

Last night when I put the offspring to bed, they all seemed happy I was home. Which immediately made me suspicious.
Turns out they were dying to see my reaction to the "Big Pile O'Stuff Holly Chewed Up While Mom Was Away".
Seeing hows all of it was MINE....grrrrrrrrrrrrr! What chaws my butt is the offspring's litmus test for stopping Holly from
ripping up stuff. It goes a little something like this, "is that my stuff she's chewing up? No? Eh, then who cares." Double grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

There's a situation going on at work that's really bugging me. When I started this job, I had FOUR defined tasks.
The nightshift gals had four also despite the fact that they worked 15 hours and I only worked 9. NOW I have FIFTEEN tasks
and they still have four. The one chick needed to change her schedule which took away two of her tasks and gave them to me,
making my 15 and hers 2. Now the boss is having a problem with the other night time chick and she wants me to take two of HER tasks,
leaving her with just two, also. I said to my boss, "This doesn't seem quite fair to me. I have to come in an hour earlier, do two more jobs
that I didn't have to do before and I'm still getting the same rate of pay. She does even less than she was doing
before and still gets the same rate of pay." There's only twenty cents an hour separating our pay.
She said, "Well, you will be getting paid more. You'll be getting paid for that hour extra every day." UGH.
What really peeves me about the chick in question is that she's forever trying to get others to do the few damn jobs she has.
And while it will kill the little penny pincher to lose the money every month, I hardly think it's fair to keep
someone on that isn't fulfilling her duties. The answer is too boot her, not shift her tasks to people who are competent and reliable.

Ok, time to take down the Columbus Day tree...

Sunday, October 08, 2006

home again home again jiggity jog

WORDS OF WISDOM: "It was God who made me beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher."
model, Linda Evangelista
Take that all you homely teachers!

I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE this motel! The sex is FANTASTIC!! Forget Elmo, forget the offspring, forget home, I just want to lay here and have sex vicariously through these two sexaholics. I sweated off five pounds in the last two days and I’m just listening! Besides, South never said I had to make it to his place to get those pics of Dan, he just said I had to write his updates, and I’ve been doing that. Along with a hell of a lot of jilling off.

Unfortunately Mr. G over nighted me a Tom Tom GPS system, along with a note that I had to get home pronto pronto or he’d kick my ass. That is bullshit bullshit. But I’m packing, damn it.

I just got off the phone with the offspring. Apparently there was a “Bless The Family Pet” ceremony at church on Sunday and the offspring decided that Holly needed to be an official lapsed Catholic like the rest of us. Not that they didn’t “baptize” the little punk on their own after we got her. As soon as I heard the words “Church” and “Holly,” I thanked God I wasn’t there. I said to Female Offspring #6, “Honey, what were you thinking? It was a baptism, NOT an exorcism, and that’s the only thing that will help that she devil at this point in time.“ Everything was going fine until some smart ass Pomeranian with a nasty ‘tude decided to sniff Holly’s ass and all hell broke loose. The offspring seem to think the Pomeranian didn’t like Holly cuz she’s a black Lab. I said, “Now, now. Let’s not bring the race card into this.”

Apparently the cops showed up at the trailer, too, while I was away and told the offspring that I have to stop running my ad during late night cable tv, asking for donations to my “help the children” campaign. I went so far as to send the donors a picture and letter about each of the children that they adopted financially for the year just like that Sally Struthers chick does. Is it my fault they didn’t realize the kids were mine? I even made the kids write them a monthly letter to keep them updated on their “adopted” child’s “progress.” The people alleged that I said the kids were from a Third World Country. WRONG. I said they were from the Third World Trailer Court and Tackle Shop. Anywho, everything was fine until Male Offspring #7 asked his sponsor for a new DVD player. Greedy little punk. Where am I going to get money for our rice and powdered milk now?

I was watching tv at the cafĂ© Sunday morning and they had some religious program on. At the end the woman said, “Remember, Jesus cares for you and so do we.” Jesus CARES for me?! He used to LOVE me. When did I get downgraded to CARING??

My definition of hilarious: Adrienne Curry making fun of Paris Hilton for being stupid. Even funnier is Curry saying of Baywatch, “The show enriched NO ONE,” as opposed to her show, My Fair Brady, which has enriched countless lives the world over.

As if that Head On commercial wasn’t annoying enough, now they have someone interrupt the commercial to say that while the product works, they hate Head On’s ad. Well, guess what? I hate the person that interrupts the commercial that I hate.

Just my thought but Most Extreme Elimination Challenge (MXC) on Spike is one of THE DUMBEST SHOWS I’ve ever had the misfortune of having to watch while waiting for my meal.
And why do I just know it probably appeals to the same crowd that like Star Trek?

I’m actually typing up the last part of this post from my own driveway. I just can’t bring myself to get out of the car and go back to insane trailer life…..sigh.
The offspring are screaming and pounding on my windows and I’m going into “mother mode” aka I pretend I can’t see or hear them.

Song that I heard way too many times on the drive home? “About Us” by Brooke Hogan. When did this rich white chick turn ghetto? In her overproduced song, she talks about how the press won’t leave her alone and says, “Picture yourself up in my shoes, top story in the news.” Uh huh sure. Then she goes on to utter the classic line, “I'm just trying to live but you’re all up in my grill.” Poor Brooke. The imaginary media police are all up in her grill and chasin’ her all over da imaginary ‘hood.

I never did find a TMX Elmo so, parents, you know what you have to do. If your child really wants this toy, NOW is the time to start laying the groundwork so he/she doesn’t experience bitter disappointment come Christmas morn. (I was scarred for life when Santa didn’t bring my Chrissy Doll!) Every now and then drop something negative about Elmo into the conversation like, “I heard that Elmo smokes cigarettes” or “Elmo giggles so much because he‘s high on marijuana.” Then shake your head as if you’re disgusted with Elmo.

Ok, there’s no ignoring the inevitable. I gotta get out of this car and email this drivel to South.
But I’ll leave you with this: guys, you’ve always wanted to be a wildly popular porn star?
Well, here’s your chance…

lettuce pray

OMG. Last night I stayed in a Motel 6 and the couple next door were having such wild, animal sex that *I* was sweating and weak kneed by the time they finished. We had…I mean “they” had sex three times during the night. One can only assume they’re either newlyweds or total strangers. They were loud and enthusiastic and now I’m incredibly horny. People are right, there’s never a cop around when you’re horny. I knocked on their door this morning to tell them that I had to dash out for breakfast and pick up my car, and I’d be back within an hour. I told him that if they were going to have sex to wait till I got back. I didn’t want them starting without me. Then I called Mr. G and told him that while I wanted to come home, I was having trouble finding my way. That oughta buy me some more nasty sex time.

I put in a call to South and told him I needed fresh pictures of hott guys. I told him I was mega horny and that I was jillin’ til my fingers ache. (Hey, that would make a great album title…)
What does he do? He sends me pics of himself. As IF.
Then he asked me how Mr. Snuggles was faring. I told him that aside from the food he left for him, the poor cat hadn’t eaten a bite. (It’s called “laying the groundwork,” kids. That way it won’t come as a huge shock when he finds a dead cat.) I told him that I coaxed and coaxed, but the cat refused to eat. (And that’s called “making myself look good,” kids.)

When I was eating breakfast, I heard on the morning news that Terrell Owens is putting out a series of children’s books. The first book is called “Little T Learns To Share.“ Little T is the name of the kid in the book, not his nickname for his penis. Geez, talk about an egomaniac. Dude can’t even write a book about someone other than himself.
Now here’s the funny(ier) part: the title of T.O.’s second book is “Little T Learns What Not To Say.” It’s perfectly obvious to me that the co-author wrote most of that book since Big T Hasn’t Learned What Not To Say In Real Life. Ya can’t teach what ya don’t know. Hmm, maybe Big T ought to read his own book? Third book is “Little T Packs His Bags And Moves To Another Team Once Again.” Ooops. It’s “Little T Learns to Say I’m Sorry.”

Bugs pointed out that this whole TMX Elmo scam has the potential to turn in to the horrible Cabbage Patch Shortage of Whatever Year That Was. I never caught Cabbage Patch Fever. Sure some of the older offspring wanted one, but I felt that it was way too much money for an ugly doll with a big head and a goofy looking body. When you have enough offspring that you can staff your own sweat shop, you have to learn to cut corners….on their stuff. More money spent on the kids is less money spent on my bad habits.
So I created my own line of homemade dolls, called the Lettuce Lovin’ Clan. I felt that not only was the doll functional but each doll provided a nutritious message (and snack). I will be the first to admit that I didn’t totally think this idea through. Especially when one of the offspring woke up screaming hysterically because her Lettuce Lovin’ Doll started to rot in the middle of the night. But I think I handled it quite well by thinking quickly on my feet and saying, “Oh, look, your doll is dead. Heave her into the trash.”

I watched a fabulous show yesterday on Discovery on Navy Seal training. Wow! After watching what exhausting training they go through I’m almost ashamed to complain about having to do 45 minutes of TaeBo five days a we--oh, crap. The couple next door pounded on the wall, signaling they’re warming up. Let the fucking fun begin!

Saturday, October 07, 2006

guess i'm gonna give it up

Remember that song “I’m standing on the corner of Winslow, Arizona, such a fine sight to see?” A few moments ago, I’m sitting in my Hoveround on the corner of Greenville, South Carolina. Amazing coincidence, huh? I was sitting there holding a “Will Work For Elmo” sign. I collected three buttons, twenty three sticky cents, a citation for loitering and some jackass tried to swipe my laptop. Clearly a life of panhandling is not in my future.
I have decided that when I do find Elmo--and I will--I am going to gouge his googly white eyeballs right out of his head. Then I’m going to kick him clean across the parking lot and into next Christmas where he’ll be just a horrible memory.

I’m at a restaurant having breakfast. I called the car dealership and naturally, the frigging parts haven’t arrived yet. Somebody explain this to me. If factories keep sending jobs overseas because the stuff is so much cheaper to manufacture over there, why does the muffler for my damn Korean car cost me more than $200 and yet a muffler for a Chevy Cavalier is only $62?! Grrrrrrr.
I just know South’s cat is history. There’s no way I’m going to make it down to Atlanta and back home in time for work on Monday. But I blame Mike. If he wasn’t such a damn pussy hound this never would have happened!! I’m disappointed though because I wanted the chance to get rid of that stupid answering machine message. I wanted to change it to “Hi, you’ve reached Mike South’s Whore Hotline. Press 1 if you’re already a whore, press 2 if you’d like me to make you a “star” (aka whore) and press 3 if you know where I can find a whore. All others, fuck off.”

There was a dude in the restaurant a few minutes ago talking to me about how much he loved to fish. What the hell is it with men and their obsession with fish these last couple days? This guy said he’d been fishing for 52 years and there was nothing he liked better than drifting on the lake for hours. He talked about how he enjoyed fishing with his wife. Then he said, “Do you know what the most common misconception men have about women?”
I said, “Yes, I do. That we don’t like sex and we don’t like to swallow. Well let me tell YOU something, Mr. Fisherman, I *love* sex and I *love* to swallow and I’m tired of hearing that bullshit. And I firmly believe that men use that excuse that their wives hate sex so they can fool around with a clear conscience! Oh and guess what, Jacques Cousteau? We like porn, too! What do you think about that?”
He said, “Huh. I was going to say the most common misconception is that women aren’t good at baiting their hooks.”
“Oh, yeah. There‘s that, too.”

Since I had so much downtime waiting for the damn Kia to be repaired, I spent some time searching police department websites for pics for my Hott Cops’ site. On one of the Maine PD sites, they have a section called "Rent A Cop." Now I'm sure they want you to hire these guys to do security work or something similar, but wouldn't it be cool to blow a paycheck on a hott cop and just have him come to your house so you could bask in his studly glow? When I become a super rich writer, I'm going to hire a couple cops to watch my trailer and pool, so no po' people try to sneak in. I can't wait to lord my wealth over the po’ people.

Now let us all have a moment of silent meditation for Mr. Snuggles.