Sunday, September 10, 2006

oh chariot your golden waves are walking down upon this face

I was watching a movie on Lifetime. You know, the "women's channel."
So naturally the movie was dark and depressing, filled with things like adultery, lying and stalking.
And as if that weren't sad enough, a Baldwin was part of the main cast.
The husband and wife in the movie were having problems. He was out of work and drinking all the time, she felt neglected.
(See? Typical Lifetime fare.)
She went away on a trip and had an affair. If there's one thing I've learned from watching the soaps,
the quickest solution to getting your husband to pay attention to you is to have an affair. Works every time.
If you do try this, you'll want him to use a condom. Cuz if there's one other thing I've learned from watching
soaps it's that if you sleep with two guys, a "who's the daddy?" storyline will ensue.
Worked like magic in this movie. The woman came home from her trip, her husband
was waiting with cold booze and lit candles, and his "I was an ass" speech all ready.
The twist to the movie was his new boss was also the guy she had an affair with.
Of course, through it all the husband was *totally clueless* to the affair, even
when his wife and boss were dancing nose to nose right under his nose.
I once emailed Lifetime to complain about the content of their movies.
Their "movies for women" were full of distubring content, like murders, adultery, suicides, stalking, addiction,
kidnappings, eating disorders and any other fear inducing topic.
They responded with a "thank you so much for your email about Lifetime. We're happy you enjoy the channel and we hope you'll continue to watch" form letter.
Lifetime really cares about it's viewers and it shows.

The commercial for the game show Star Face makes me laugh and cringe every time I hear it. The dad is calling the video
store and he says "Do you have that movie with that guy? You know, the one that has the father and they live in that place?"
It sounds like many, many conversations Mr. G and I have had. Frighteningly enough, he usually knows who I'm talking about.

I was really sore when I rolled out of bed yesterday morning.
We've GOT to stop having sex to "Yackity Sax."

I was at the grocery store the other morning and as I walked passed the community bulletin board I noticed a piece of notebook paper with the words "I
am looking for a good woman between the ages of 40 and 50. Interested in a realationship? Call me at...blah blah"
I had to resist the overwhelming urge to scribble "YOU BIG CHEAP ASS!! AT LEAST PAY FOR AN AD IN THE PAPER!!" across the ad...
Probably the kind of guy who takes his dates to "restaurants" with drive through windows.

Once again, I had to make the offspring take all the newspapers back to the box.
How many times do I have to tell them to steal something I can make a profit on at least?!
Guh. You think you're teaching your kids well and they don't even have the common sense to steal something valuable.

South was giving me advice on my writing yesterday. He said I should just be myself and forget all the COPS crap.
I didn't get as far as I am in this world--pretty much nowhere--by listening to what other people thought.
So, speaking of COPS, last night's segment with the cheating spouse was insane. I can understand the reason
the guy who caught his wife with another guy would sign the release to appear on tv, it was all about the payback.
But why in God's name would the cheater and the cheatee agree to appear on the show?! The really ironic thing is that at one point
the cheater turned to her husband and asked him if he was going to tell everyone she slept with someone else.
The guy cleverly evaded the issue--I'm guessing because the deputy was standing right there--by
saying, "Did those words come out of my mouth?" Guyspeak for "hell yeah'.

My friend David called from South Dakota last night and began the conversation with, "Me and my buddies
did something this week and I called to tell you about it."
I said "If it involves a canoe trip and somebody squealing like a pig, speak slowly and give me lots of details."

I started to read "Vermont Valentine" from Kristin Hardy last night and I got about 85 pages into it before I tossed it.
Let me just say waaaaaaaaaay to much information about the maple borer and how it destroys the trees,
and waaaaaay too little focus on the romance. When I'm reading a romance novel, if I see
sentences like, "The tree lined streets of Blah Blah hadn't always been that way. Before the Industrial Revolution..." my eyes immediately glaze over.
I don't read romances for travelogues OR history. If I want to learn, I'll pick up a text book. I'm reading for the thinly disguised smut, damn it.
My eyes go right to words like "swollen, throbbing manhood" and "her wet glistening lips," and I'm not referring to the ones on her face.

One of my co-workers told my boss that she thought I was pissed at her because I didn't talk to her much yesterday morning.
I am not a talker in the morning and this Gabby Sue wants to talk about politics at 7 in the morning.
Hell, I don't like to talk about politics any time of the day, let alone first thing in the morning.
I like to get my hot tea, my butter toast and log onto my laptop.....until 4 p.m.
Let's face it, most mornings it's just me and the Lab, so "our" "conversation" consists
mainly of the following questions: "Is that Holly's?" "Do my toes belong in Holly's mouth?" "Is that Holly's toy?"
"How many times are we going to have this conversation about you chewing up all my wash cloths?!" Scintillating, yes?

Mr. G said something yesterday that was both disturbing and comforting. He saw a picture of my
mother when she was in her 20's and he said, "Your mother was a pretty good looking woman..." wait for it....wait for it....wait for it...."too
bad she's always such a bitch." Sigh. It was the first part of the comment that disturbed me, cuz I have to agree with
the latter half. But, it was also comforting in that he always tells me how much I look like my mother.
Thankfully, when he says that about me he doesn't add the bitch comment. Not outloud anyway.


Fathairybastard said...

Ya gotta be yerself, even if it hairlipps the pope, as mom would say

Goddess said...

LOL...I can honestly say I have *never* heard that expression before!

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