Friday, September 08, 2006

now if you're feeling low and the fish won't bite you need a lil bit of soul to put you right

In all this frenzy about Doris Ozmun posing nude, everybody wants to see what Doris looks like. Hell, I want to see what her police chief HUSBAND Tod looks like! Anybody have a pic???

Check it out, guys who can't figure out a way to get out of marriage.
I never thought I'd say this in a million years, but Brad Pitt might be a genius.
He's come up with the most noble reason ever to not marry: he won't marry until all restrictions are dropped
and everyone is permitted to marry. I guess Brad has conveniently forgotten he was already married.
Guess he wasn't feeling so noble back then.
I'm not buying it though. Remember when that Baldwin brother--his name doesn't matter they're
all equally annoying--promised to leave the country
if Bush won the election, then he double crossed us and stuck around?
I even had my "YAY!! There's one less Baldwin in the USA!!" t shirt all made up.

Last night when I came home from work, Mr. G said, "You used the stove at work, didn't you?"
I said, "How can you tell?"
He replied, "You only have one eyebrow."
We have a gas stove at work, while I am used to the offspring cooking on an electric stove at home.
I have never felt comfortable around a gas stove, and
I find that hot oil and an open flame are not a good combo.
The other day at work I decided to have a burger for lunch so I fried one up and
I removed the lid of the pan, and stepped back from the stove, pan in hand, so that I could flip the burger
without sending any grease flying into the flame.
*Note to self: step back and THEN remove the lid of the pan...*
Well, apparently I wasn't as adept at flipping a burger as I thought, and a flame shot up in the air,
easily two feet high. I just kinda stood there holding
the pan till it subsided, praying that the ceiling didn't catch on fire. I didn't want to have to
explain that one to the firemen...or my bosses.

Because he has still made no move to get a job and because he persists in this "taking the summer" off fantasy,
I made Male Offspring #1 take one of those aptitude tests. You have to answer a
bunch of questions and they tell you the top three careers you might be good at.
He's well suited to be an arsonist, a serial killer or a wedding consultant. Sigh.
No way am I letting him be a gay ass wedding consultant!

Even though I kicked Male Offspring #1 out of the trailer and made him move into the shed, he
still manages to sneak in for a meal now and then.
So I found it odd that I hadn't seen him at the table in 48 hours. I asked Male Offspring #6 why his brother wasn't
eating meals here and he said, "Oh, he's still eating all those Rice Krispy treats we stole for him from the Diabetes Fair."
Me (aghast that they had stolen anything...and not shared it with me first): "You STOLE Rice Krispy treats for him?"
MO#6: "Yeah, he paid us 50 cents for each treat."
Me: "Ummm, does he realize he can hike it right up over the hill to Dollar General and buy them 4 for a dollar?"
MO#6: "Sure! That's why only paying 50 cents each was such a great deal for him!"
Sigh. I guess I can cross "famous mathematician" off Male Offspring #1 (and #6's) list of possible career choices.

CRAP with a capital C.R.A.P.
FX took COPS off their afternoon schedule!!!
Just what I need: fifteen more episodes of Spin City a day.


Mushy said...

I used to love meals cooked at work. I supervised about 14 women and 3 guys once when I had the telephone service order and operators. They cooked some of the best meals, but my favorite was breakfast - eggs, gravy, bacon, fried potatoes, and big biscuits!

Everyone was pretty useless the rest of the day, but I didn't care - my belly was full!

The only incident we had was one lady (2 years running) left the giblet bag inside the turkey.

Goddess said...

Of course you like it, YOU managed to cook and retain your eyebrows at the same time!

I'm thinking cold sandwiches for lunch...

jimmyd said...

Thanks for the link! I'm getting a bunch of traffic from your blog. Who would'a thought? I guess your readers are more highbrow than Mike South contends. Heheheheh...

Goddess said...

Which would totally explain why he's always bitching he never gets any hits from me...