Tuesday, September 05, 2006

across the great divide

Last night I said to Mr. G, "I can't believe three days of my seven days off are over already."
He said, "This is Monday night, not Sunday night."
Noooooooooooo! FOUR days gone!

Every time I log off Yahoo mail, I see those video personals ads, and the one guy
looks "incredibly" gay, and I was positive he was matched with a guy.
So this afternoon I watched some of them and son of a gun, if he wasn't matched with a chick.
Could have knocked me for a loop.

Ok, I don't know who is in charge of putting these World's Scariest Police Chase shows together, but enough is enough. It's pathetic enough that we have to put up with John Bunnell's bullshit, but having to listen to the same jackass in the helicopter NO MATTER WHAT STATE THE CHASE TAKES PLACE IN, is just plain stupid. It's obvious his running commentary is added afterwards, and 95% of it is totally pointless stuff we can figure out for ourselves. "Oh! He crashed into that car!" or ""Oh! He narrowly missed that truck!" or "Oh! He's getting away!" UGH.

It's bad enough that Bugs has me hooked on that damn Sandra Lee and her semi homemade show,
now she has me watching the Duggar family shows. The Duggars, in case you don't know, are the family from Arkansas with 16 kids.
Now, first of all, as a mother of 16 kids let me say there's not a damn thing wrong with having 16 kids!!
Unless you're supporting them all via welfare or a home based pharmaceutical business.
According to their website, after a miscarriage caused by birth control pills, the Duggars gave God control of their reproduction. What
a bunch of SHIT. Just because you're not smart enough to avoid sex when you're ovulating, doesn't mean it's a sign God wants you to keep pumping out kids.
I just HOPE the Duggar females aspire to something OTHER than being a human incubator for 16 or 17 years of their life.
One problem with having a family this size is that the older children become built in babysitters and I don't think that's fair to them.
Case in point, coming out of the ultrasound room, the mother says, "I'm definitely look forward to holding that baby in my arms. There's nothing like it in the world,"
and yet who is walking the smaller kids out of the office? Not mom and not dad. The older kids.

. On a more comical note, in the first show, the mother was pregnant with the 16th child and they all filed into the room to see the ultrasound
and find out whether or not the new baby was a boy or a girl. After 15 kids, who the hell cares?!
BTW, in none of this, have I heard her refer to a child by name.
She usually says "the boys," "the girls," or "the little ones." That's because she has no idea what their names are.
Welcome to my world, Mama Duggar.
And really as long as you have expressions like "hey!" and "you there!" names aren't really necessary.

When they go on trips, the Duggar always wear red so they can easily round up their tribe. I've never color coordinated my offspring.
I couldn't embarrass them that way.
I usually make them wear big cardboard signs around their neck stating their place in the household, like "Male Offspring #2" or "Female Offspring #6."
If they get in trouble and a police officer should drag them over to me and ask if they belong to me, as a loving mother, the first
thing I ask is, "What did they do?" If it's something serious, naturally I've never seen that child before and I have no idea
who it belongs to. If it's not that serious, I'll admit to having spit them out of my uterus and then give them a swift kick in the ass when the cop's back is turned.

The Duggars have family rules. Here are a few of them:
Always use soft words even when you don't feel well; Show joyful attitude even when no one is looking; Always display kind actions; Use one toy at a time; Never raise a hand to hit, never raise a voice to yell; Always give a good report of others; Don't go to bed angry or guilty; Think pure thoughts.
Clearly these people are not normal.
Here are a few Goddess family rules: Never hit your siblings hard enough to leave a mark; Dead hamsters are flushable; It's perfectly acceptable to poop & pee in the yard if the bathroom is occupied; if you see your sibling wants a toy, make sure you grab it first and refuse to give it up;
The squeaky wheel and screaming child get the grease and the last cookie; Don't hide your cigarettes and beer were Mom can find them or she'll raid your stash.

Their new home is gorgeous and not exactly the result of paying cash for everything, as they intimate.
According to one site "several sponsors donated food and appliances for the new home..."
From the rows and rows of soup and bread, I'm guesing Campbells and Sara Lee are two of the
companies who donated food. I'm guessing the designer's services and furniture were also donated.
Things change considerably when ya pimp your family's privacy out in exchange for 'stuff'.
I'm gonna start working on that right now....

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