Wednesday, August 23, 2006

i want a coin operated boy

Goddess' current mood is: sunshine, lollipops and rainbows everywhere.

ONLY FIVE MORE DAYS UNTIL THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL!!

This morning I ran up on the Hill--remember I talked about this before? It's a section above the city that has
tons of stores--and I looked in my rearview mirror and saw a GORGEOUS motorcycle cop! On one hand, I was thrilled cuz he was SMOKIN'.
On the other hand, I was not thrilled because I was on a section of highway that did
not have a marked speed limit, so I had no idea whether I was going too fast or too slow.
On the curve, the sign said to slow down to 35, so I was assuming it was 45 or 55, but I kept it at 40.
At one point, he got ahead of me and siiiiigh. What a lovely sight. That crisp white shirt and neat dark slacks.
I was really surprised to see him, though, because the motorcycle cops just hit the streets this week.
Then again, I naturally attract good things.

While I was shopping I picked up some funny cards for the offspring. I like to send the kids
cards so they'll have a harder time putting me in a home when I get old and senile. I picked up one for Female Offspring #1 that shows three old ladies in babushkas(?) and long raincoats. Inside it says, "At some point the Charlie's Angel's sequels are just going to be sad."

Ok, who couldn't see that "Snakes in a Theater" prank coming?
Some idiots in Phoenix released two baby rattlesnakes into a darkened theater showing
of the movies Snakes on a Plane. Luckily no one was hurt.
A snake expert was on The Daily Show and he said
that IF a snake got loose on a plane, it would become cold and listless. Phew!

After seeing home movies, I'm firmly convinced that John Mark Karr should
be put to death....for that gawd awful mullet he was sporting back in '92.

Most oft repeated phrase at trailer de Goddess yesterday? "Give that boy his damn ball of twine NOW!"
The offspring thought it would be 'funny' to hide Male Offspring #4's big ball o'beloved twine.
They also stole the picture of him standing next to the world's biggest ball of twine in Cawker City, Kansas last year.
He kept that picture on his bedside table.
Then they replaced it with a photoshopped picture of him standing next to the twine holding a sign that read "I am a weiner."
You would have thought someone died the way he carried on when he found out.

Good news and bad news on the Jebus backpack front. Mushy found one on eBay for me, BUT it says for ages "baby to pre-school."
Don't think a 13 or 14 or however the hell old MO#5 is, is going to appreciate that. But doggone, it's as cute as all Hell.
Isn't the little lost sheep precious? Wonder how long it would take Holly to eat that little lost sheep?
I may end up having to buy MO#5 a Jesus backpack clip instead. Also, cute as all get out.
He wanted the usual "WWJD: What Jesus Do?" t shirts, but I decided they were so 90's.
I wanted to funkify them a bit, so I designed my own.
He hasn't seen them yet. I'm sure he'll be so thrilled. Some of the sayings are: "I don't know what Jesus would do,
but my mother thinks I need my ass kicked" and "WWJD: What Would Judas Do?" and
"Commandment #1: Thou Shall Not Covet Thy Mother's Booze and Cigarettes (or Her Good Dope)."
Bugs found me this way cool Last Supper lunchbox for MO#5. It's a damn good thing Jesus
didn't have any more friends or Male Offspring #5 would never be able to fit that thing through the bus door.
That's another reason why it's very important to scooch together when you're getting your picture taken with a large group.
If only Jesus would have thought ahead to that all those merchandising deals and had people scooch together.
We'd have 300 piece Last Supper puzzles instead of 1500 pieces and Last Supper t shirts that didn't have apostles going the whole way around your body.

I found out the real reason Female Offspring #6 is upset that she lost the Pater Tot Pageant.
She wanted to be like her mom, the former Miss Gurnsey at the dairy fair.
I had to sit down and explain to her that we can't all be great and famous. Like moi.
Then I read her a little story that I wrote for Female Offspring #1 about a duck who wanted to be famous.
She did everything she could to stand out from the other ducks: dyed her feathers, mooed instead of quacked,
she even refused to go swimming and preferred ice skating instead, but in the end she was axed and eaten like all the
other ducks on the farm. Ok, so maybe I have a BIT of a problem with story endings. Sue me already.
Probably just as well I stopped writing kid's books. The offspring seemed to be having nightmares all the time and I have no idea why.

Speaking of cows, I know I'm not a dairy farmer but this commercial for Barnyard confuses me.
The cows, which I thought were always FEMALE, all have voices all by GUYS.
But it clearly shows their udders, so they have to be cows, right? Color me baffled.

2 comments:

Mushy said...

Sorry, didn't notice the size...sorry, I tried. Guess I wasn't woman enough!

Goddess said...

Nah, I appreciated the effort. Besides, ya found those cool backpack clips. Never even thought of those...