Monday, August 28, 2006

i dare you to tell me to walk on fire

"Oh happy day....When Goddess walked...Oh when Goddess walked...her kids to the bus stop..."

Last night I packed all the offspring's backpacks with paper, pencils, beer, label makers to label the nerds with, and oh, wait did I say beer?
Cuz I would NEVER let the kids take beer to school. I meant to say chewing tobaccky. Then this morning I walked them--well, they walked, I rode in my Hoveround--to the bus stop. And I made sure their little asses were on the bus and the door slammed shut behind them before I drove back to the trailer.
I didn't want to chance any of them sneaking off the bus and back home again. Brrrrrrr.....
The neighborhood is so beautifully quiet right now. It's just me naked on the bed and Holly chewing her bone on the floor. Ahh, life. Isn't it grand?


I was watching CNN yesterday and I saw the story of a guy who believes he saw John Mark Karr in Colorado in 1996.
He claims to have asked him for a cigarette light and watched him on the bus.
WHO THE HELL CAN REMEMBER PEOPLE THEY SAW BRIEFLY TEN YEARS AGO??!!
I can't even pick my own offspring out of a line up and this dude supposedly remembers something like that.


As if his appearance at the Teen Choice Awards wasn't sad enough, K Fed is going to do a stint on CSI as a "teenager" who harrasses the investigators.
Apparently there aren't any teenage actors in Hollywood-- that would explain the entire cast of Beverly Hills 90210--so 28 yr old Kevin Federline snagged the role.
Unfortunately the dude seems to have a good agent. (And when I say "unfortunately," I mean for us.)

Meredith Viera is not very smart about choosing her words wisely. Now that she left The View,
she said the show is "...hard to watch. It sort of became a joke." Nice way to piss off Barbara Walters.
I hate to be the one to tell Ms. Viera this, but the show was always a joke. Yes, even when she was on it.

I laughed and laughed yesterday when Sandra Lee of Semi-Homemade talked about
her recipe box containing "heirloom recipes". Hmm, I wonder which of her recipes are classified as "heirloom"?
Perhaps the chocolate chips in the barbecue sauce recipe? Or the booze thinly disguised as breakfast concoctions?
I also roared when she said, "I've been cooking, baking and entertaining since I was a kid."
Um, hello? How many "kids" entertain???

I was watching a new show on Spike TV yesterday called "Disorderly Conduct: Videon on Patrol."
It's some of the same vids we've seen on World's Wildest Police Vids and those types of shows, but they had some new ones I hadn't seen.
My favorite was the guy from Ochulgee who was driving drunk off his ass on his RIDING LAWN MOWER.
The officer from the K9 Task Force was following him and he could have just gotten out and walked beside him.
The dude was only going 3 MPH. At one point the officer jokingly said, "Let's apply the PIT manuever." LOL!
(The PIT manuever is where the patrol car strikes the side
of a vehicle involved in a chase, causing it to spin off the highway.)
The guy continued to drive his lawn mower down the street and he was leaning waaaaay over to the side, like he
was riding a motorcycle, until he fell right off the mower and onto the street. It was a riot to watch.
And they had one of my favorites, the cop who yanked the guy's t-shirt up on over his head when he spit on the officer.
Served the idiot right.

Are my eyes deceiving me or is the delivery "boy" in the Pizza Hut Brownie Squares
commercials the same dude who used to play little Brighton on "The Nanny"? Anybody notice?

Bugs informed me that Kathy Griffin's My Life on the D List LOST to Ty Pennington's show at the Emmy's yesterday. UGH.
As if losing to the Dog Whisperer wouldn't have been sad enough, I never even thought that Ty might give her some competition.
So I guess the Emmy folks thinks watching paint dry is more exciting than Kathy Griffin. BOO!!
Speaking of Kathy, it was ironic to see her host the "Best of the Worst Red Carpet Moments" in a dress that made her look downright matronly.

Suckiest commentator at the Emmy's? Ryan Sechrest, without a doubt.
He was right up there in the stupidity department with rude ass Itsak Mitrahe grabbing chick's boobs last year. The grossest part was when he kept asking the chicks to turn around and show their asses. Yeah, I guess that would be
his favorite part of a...*cough*hack*...(wo)man.
Ryan Sechrest to Leah Remini (at the Emmys): "So you've seen it..." (referring to Tom Cruise's baby)
Leah: "I prefer to call "it" she..."

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