Saturday, August 12, 2006

here's an opportunity that you don't wanna miss tonight

From the "hair today, gone tomorrow" file: I HATE Britney's black hair. UGH. I like her sister's new caramel blonde look, though.
And I HATE Debbie Matenopulous' reddish locks. She looked much better as a blonde.

While I'm on a "hating roll," I HATE the way Semi Homemade's Sandra Lee's outfits all match her friggin' kitchen decor. If the curtains are peach,
she's wearing peach and the mixer is peach. If her counters are beige, she's wearing beige. Who puts that much thought into it?
Hell, even Martha dresses like she's been working in her attic all day when she cooks.
My favorite semi homemade "recipe" today was Sandra's veggie dip. It consisted of a bottle of Kraft Bleu Cheese dressing poured into a bowl and topped with a teaspoon full of crumbled bleu cheese. Wow. She went all out for THAT recipe, didn't she? Her "strawberry" shortcake dessert consisted of adding ONE FRIGGING STRAWBERRY sliced in half to the shortcake, cream concoction!
She had beer for the guys, which she adorned with a name tag and a cutesy little cowboy boot cutout.
Then she talked about how it was all about "attention to detail." Like the guys give a fuck. As long as their beer is cold, they could care less.
And if a guy does notice? Well, let's put it this way, don't waste your time trying to fix him up with a nice girl...

Before I left for work this morning, I went into the bedroom to give Mr. G a goodbye kiss, and all I could see snuggled up next to him was a big black snout sticking out of three layers of covers. I said, "I'm guessing Holly is a tad chilly?"

Thanks to everyone who offered their condolences on the death of my father in law. I really appreciate it.

I realize people get nervous and don't know what to say,
but it's time for another installment of "Funny (And Tackless) Things That Were Said At The Funeral Home":
1. "I liked your FIL, but he thought I was a crazy bastard."
This was incredibly funny, because on the way to the funeral home, I told Mr. G that his family shouldn't
have mentioned that his dad suffered from dementia, but instead that he suffered from "bastard's syndrome." In his mind, everyone was a bastard.
But he always gave them a qualifying adjective which spelled out their "problem", like "lazy bastard," "bullheaded bastard," or my favorite "Republican bastard."
2. My husband's buddies ALL call him "Piggly"(inside joke). His friend came over and while shaking my hand, said, "So you're Mrs. Piggly."
Yes, what every woman aspires to be.
3. My mother in law to friends, "Yeah, XXXX was always Grandpap's favorite grandchild,"
while Female Offspring #1 and the rest of the grandchildren were sitting right next to her.
The truth is that XXXX is HER favorite grandchild, and in her mind, her ONLY grandchild.
Grandpap pretty much ignored them all equally.
4. My MIL to Female Offspring #1, but loud enough for about 100 people to hear, "Doesn't your cousin look nice?
He had that bypass surgery because he weighed over three HUNDRED pounds."
A prime example of why we never tell her anything. I gotta tell you, I felt really bad for my nephew because
he is one of the nicest kids and always willing to help, but my MIL NEVER cuts him a break, because he's not...refer to #3.
5. "He looks like he's sleeping."
Except he's dead.
6. "He looks really good."
And yet, we have that whole dead thing going on...
7. "You look just like your mother! I couldn't tell who was the mother and who was the daughter!"
This poor woman has mastered the fine art of praising one person while infuriating another.
Considering my MIL is 81 and my SIL is 57...well, let's just say if looks
could kill my FIL wouldn't have been the only one dead at that funeral.

One of our friends was talking about some of places they went to when they go out, and they suggested we try them.
I said, "We never go out."
Mr. G immediately said, "Hey! I take you out all the time."
I said, "Honey, taking me along when you walk the dog is NOT taking me out on a date and if it is, you're the cheapest guy I've ever met."

If my ghetto cell phone company needs a new advertising slogan, it should be: "Tracfone, the number one cell phone of terrorists!"

After last year's school supply shopping fiasco, in which I actually TRUSTED my offspring to buy
the things they needed to go back to school, and one ended up visiting the world's biggest ball of twine,
I've decided this year *I* will be buying all the school supplies.
I'm thinking eight cartons of cigarettes and three cases of beer ought to hold them for a while.

I just want to give a big SHOUT OUT to the guy in the grocery store parking lot who intently watched me apply my make up yesterday morning.
If the need would arise, I'm sure he could not only pick me out of a "find Waldo" picture, but also note the color of my foundation was "fair," not "almost fair".
And may I say that when he rolled down his window
and said, "Gurl, you wanna borrow some shadow?" it came as no surprise.
Chicks in Massachussets get approached by guys flashing pictures of themselves
wearing nothing but crotchless pantyhose, and I get this bullshit.


Mushy said...

When my dad passed away back in the mid-70s, my brother was still young and honest enough to nearly embarrass my mother to death, when he replied curtly to a little old ladies "Don't he look good?" comment by replying, "Hell naw, he's dead!"

Goddess said...'s true, though, you just WANT to say that, but ya don't;)