Tuesday, July 04, 2006

You used to captivate me by your resonating light

Small town life. It doesn't get any better than this. The powers that be recently changed the format of the city's newspaper. That in itself isn't so earth shattering--unless you live here, that is. These changes required an entire page of explanations and pictures, in which they answered such deep questions as "Why does the front page look different?" and "What's new in Sports?"
and "Is the 'Back Page' really back?" and finally "Why did you do all this?"
I personally had a "Back Page" issue muhself. For as long as I can remember, the paper has carried the Births and the Death sections on the back page. I've reached that point in my life--as does EVERYONE so don't LAUGH--where I check the Births and Deaths before anything else. Ok, mostly the Deaths, now that I'm longer of child birthing age. I just want to make sure my name isn't on that obituary list. (OR the birthin' list.) Anywho, every time some city slicker editor takes over they try to move this section. This last time they moved it inside the first page of the front section of the paper. That cheesed me off because instead of being able to just flip the paper over and check out the Deaths, I had to open the paper to find it. Yes, Goddess can be incredibly lazy at times.
I just found the whole page of explanations and pictures rather comical,
especially the question about the front page. If you can't figure out that the fonts and pictures are different,
and there are a whole bunch of stupid little "important information" boxes cluttering up the page to make it look like there's really something there,
then you need to cancel your subscription because you're probably not comprehending any of the information in the paper anyway.
What really made me howl was when they said they considered changing the NAME of the paper. Um, hello? Slapping a Mercedes Benz sticker on a Kia doesn't make it any less of a Kia. And if you thought people were pissed about the "Back Page," you change the name and there will be a mutiny on the bounty the likes of which you've never seen!

Gawd, I miss my old neighbors. Those drunken, careless bums really knew how to throw a screamingly good Fourth of July party.
Our new neighbors invited us over to watch their fireworks display
last night. I'm sorry, but safety and fireworks are not a good mix as far as I'm concerned.
Large amounts of alcohol and fireworks, now THERE'S a winning combination!
NuNeighbor made everyone sit about 5000 yards from the display, and
he passed out safety goggles and ear plugs. Why he bothered to invite anyone is beyond me.
Not like we could see or hear anything.
"Was that a Roman candle?"
"Candy? Whose got candy?"
"Can't tell from here, but it looked like someone was tossing a lit cigarette."
"No, thanks. I don't smoke."
The show began after NuNeighbor gave a ten minute lecture on the proper use of fireworks.
Who knew that using the cigarette dangling out your mouth to light a firecracker was NOT proper procedure???
And who knew it wasn't ok to toss a bunch of lit firecrackers into a glass jar?
Damn. Grandma was right. You learn something new and un-fun every day.
The whole Fourth of July experience was lost to me.
There are certain things I expect to hear at a fireworks display, things I always heard at my old neighbor's parties.
IMHO, a fireworks show is not a GOOD show unless you hear some of the following phrases:
"Dude. Should you be doing that?"
"We better get our stories straight before the police show up."
"Don't set off any firecrackers till I get the potatoes!"
"Hey, asshole. It's dark out here. Bring the g.d. thing closer to my face so I can light the fuse."
"Don't be a pussy, dude. Pick it up. If it was gonna go off, it would have gone off by now."
And my all time favorite, "EVERYBODY RUN!!!"

Speaking of pathetic displays, I drove passed the place where the city was
holding it's fireworks for the night at 5:30 yesterday evening and people were already
there sitting in their lawn chairs. FIVE THIRTY!! Are you kidding me? The show doesn't start till 9:30!!

Oooo, I got the scoop from Boss #1 yesterday as to why she bawled out Overtime Hawg and threatened to fire her. Seems Boss #1 tried to call all morning one day last week, and couldn't get through because O.H. was yakking it up on the phone. THEN O.H. starts bitching about how she does more work than anyone else around here. I'm trying to figure out how in the world you can spend the entire morning on the phone and still do more work than those of us who AREN'T on the phone all the time? Boss #1 said another thing that set her off was finding out that O.H. called one of my co-workers and told her that if she wants to take time off, she should call her first so she can get the hours. Un-freaking-believable. This lady has balls the size of Cleveland. Speaking of the Overtime Hawg, she just asked me to work for her last Friday and before I left work yesterday, she called and asked me to work for her in August so she could spent two weekends at camp. SEVEN days at camp just isn't enough, but NINE is obviously the right amount of time. Tough fuck. I'm fed up with this shit. I said, "We're not allowed to be making these plans between ourselves. Boss #1 is pissed and she told me we have to clear these plans with her first." I said it knowing that Boss #1 is upset with her and she probably won't have the balls to ask. If she does ask and it gets back to me, I'm saying "no." I played this game with her last summer and she cheated me out of Labor Day. I'm not letting that happen again. Boss #2 was furious when she found out. She said, "If seven days isn't enough time off, then she needs to find another job." Amen.


Mushy said...

I hate Blogger...try and post a simple four word comment and nothing happens!

I SAID, I loved the fireworks piece!

Goddess said...

Hey, you know who you could hit up about that Blogger problem? Your good buddy Ron!! LOL...

Thanks for the nice words about my fireworks piece. I wish I could have enjoyed it...*yawn*. It's just not fun unless something "accidentally" catches on fire.