Monday, July 17, 2006

why dont you come around no more

Color me SUSPICOUS.
Mr. G is actually ENCOURAGING me to get this ring. Something is not right.
In all the time we've been married, he has NEVER encouraged me to buy jewelry EVER.
And now he "wants me to be happy"? Bullcacky. I know better.
I've been watching him for days, trying to figure out his ulterior motive. Ooooh, I am in Girl from U.N.C.L.E. mode big time.
Today I just snapped and said, "Alright, what's up with this ring? It's almost like you WANT me to have it."
He said, "I DO want you to have it."
I gave him my best "you're hiding something and I'll figure it out if it KILLS me" stare,
and said, "You've never wanted me to have jewelry before. Now you're all for it? I don't think so."
He laughed and said, "ONLY YOU would find something suspicious about me wanting you to have something that makes you happy."
Indeed. I'm keeping my eyes on him.

Bugs' writes: "I give Peter Brady and the wifey no more than three months. I love how he's
always bitching that people are coming up to him on the street calling him
"Peter" instead of "Chris", and yet he's allowed himself to A) be filmed on a
reality tv show and B) to be filmed on a reality tv show entitled"My Fair
BRADY". He's such a putz."
Hmm, you're right. I didn't even think about that, but I did hear that rant about being called "Peter" the other day.
It occurred to me he should feel lucky people give a rat's ass to notice him at all.
It just makes me GMAO knowing that she's already dragged
him to a couple's therapist. It's all downhill after that and they haven't even made it to the altar yet!
I wanted to scream, "Don't suck all the fun out of his life now! Save some of that until after you get married...."

MSN had an article the other day called "9 Ways to Meet a Man," so I thought I would
post my article "Great Ways to meet a Hott Cop", since I am a MAN MAGNET.
1. Call 911 and hang up. When the cops arrive, greet them at the door SEMI- naked. Men enjoy a little mystery.
2. Plenty of opportunities to meet cops will arise when you're in jail being booked for making 911 hang up calls.
3. Move into a trailer court. The cops are always here "visiting" someone.
These next two suggestions are EXCELLENT attention getters, but I'd skip them if you don't have good car insurance.....
4. Ram into a parked police cruiser
5. If you'd like to increase your chances of meeting more than one hott cop, go to the PD parking lot and ram several parked police cruisers
6. Let your open container of alcohol hang out the window while driving. And if per chance he should miss it, ask the cop if he'd like to "take a swig".
7. Leave the trailer wearing no makeup, a ratty pony tail and sweatpants--this is a group of people who always seem to "meet" the police often
8. Write your phone number across your tits and whenever you see a cruiser, flash 'em.
Always make sure you flash them in the FRONT of the cruiser where the dash cam is located.
That way if the cop experiences that deer in the headlights sensation, he can get the number from the vid at a later date.

I am AMAZED at Holly's hearing capabilities.
The other evening Mr. G was in the bedroom reading and I was in the living room working on my puzzle and watching COPS.
As per usual, the dog was glued to my side, fearful I might experience some sort of spontaneous fun that didn't include her.
She was laying NEAR me but I had a clear path around her without touching her, and her head was facing away from me.
She had been sleeping for a good half hour, so she was deep into it, and there were two fans running in the room.
Because of all the noise, the tv was turned up fairly loud.
I snuck out of the room, went into the bedroom and asked Mr. G if he wanted a blowjob.
He said, "Ok, but put Holly outside first so she doesn't bother us."
I said, "She won't bother us. She's sound asleep."
He started laughing and said, "She's standing right behind you."
That dog doesn't. miss. a. trick.
When I was walking her last night, I said, "Let's see if there are any ripe berries."
She immediately turned in the direction of the berry bushes and took me to each spot in the yard where they grow.
The dog is a genius. A genius who growls at my dangerous, dangerous sneakers.

My gf was talking to me about how she weighs herself every day. What a waste of time and energy. I threw my scale out
years ago. I don't know what I weighed then, but I was still mobile enough to walk to the front door of the trailer. Now I use the underwear method to tell whether or not I've gained weight. You take one of those black markers and draw a line on your belly where the waistband of your underwear ends. If my underwear rides higher than that line, I know I've lost weight. If they riding lower, I know I've gained. See? A method so simple an idiot can figure it out. And make sure you use a PERMANENT magic marker so you don't have to keep drawing the line. You're welcome.

I was watching the evening news yesterday, and there was a story about an elderly man who had plowed into a new vehicle at a car dealership. That car, in turn, piled into another one, until there were five new vehicles involved.
*I can hear his insurance rates rising, like the screeching of so many Howler Monkeys*
They interviewed one of the guys who worked at the dealership, and after he expressed fear that the man had been seriously injured, he said, "Luckily he only had a few bumps and bruises. So there was just a little damage to the vehicles."
"Just a little damage" was over one hundred and eighty THOUSAND dollars.
That understatement was almost as comical as the one the boxing announcer made
when Riddick Bowe returned to the ring. He said, "After a little mischief, you're back..."
That "little mischief" he was referring to was Bowe kidnapping his ex wife and children,
threatening his ex with a knife, handcuffs, duct tape and pepper spray, for which he spent 18 months in prison.

1 comment:

Mushy said...

Yep, Mr. G sounds a little guilty to me! Keep yo eye on'em.