Saturday, July 22, 2006

who got the hooch

ATP is going to NY tonight and he said he has no idea how I get around in my Hoveround.
I told him, "People naturally seem to move out of your way once they realize you have the ability of running several hundred pounds over their toes....."
Like the last time the fireman came and cut out the west wall of the
living room so they could take me to the truck stop to be weighed. One of the younger firemen was all smart assed
and muttering under his breath about how I should just lose weight because he had more important things to do than hoist me onto a truck.
Sure, more "important" things like sitting around the firehouse reading porno mags
and making boringly stereotypical references to using his "fire hose" too cool off the hot chicks.
Like he has a snowball's chance in Hell of getting his little hose anywhere near a hot chick.
I looked him right in the eye and said, "Buddy, one more wise ass comment like and the
minute my body is off the ground, I am rolling in your direction." Shut him right up.
It's like Grandpa always says, "Your body is a weapon. Don't be afraid to use it."
He usually says this right before he clears out the room with a good fart to secure an ideal seat on the couch.

Poor Mindy McCready was in court crying and accusing the cops of pulling her over so they could give her a "hard time."
Yeah, I'm sure it had nothing to
with the fact that she was driving 58 in a 40 mph zone or because she had been drinking.
God bless the cops. It's great that they're around to blame in situations like these.
If nothing else, it saves you from having to take responsiblity for your own actions.

Favorite Headline O'The Week: "Is Nicole Richie Too Skinny To Shop?"

Mr. G and I often talk about our childhoods as we try to outdo each other in the "I had a pathetic-er childhood than you did" category.
I really have to laugh, though, when he talks about his dad. His dad was one of those overprotective men. For instance, Mr. G and
his sister were only permitted to ride their bikes UPhill. God forbid, they should be riding downhill and the brakes gave out.
They might actually have a great ride. Oh, yeah, and get hurt.
By far, the funniest thing he has EVER told about his youth was his Fourth of July story. Remember how
I said it was totally pathetic of us kids to get all excited when my dad burned the flare in the garden every year?
Well Mr. G's dad wouldn't let them use sparklers because he was afraid they'd burn themselves.
So they had to WATCH while his dad played with the sparklers!
When he told me that, I said, "Ok you have me beat. Your Fourth of Julys were DEFINITELY more pathetic-er than mine."
I also like his story about playing marbles in the dirt. They used to dig holes to play marbles and when the neighbor kid would get pissed off at them,
he'd fill the holes with dog poop.

Methinks the spammers might be winning this war. Now I'm getting spam FROM my own addy TO my own addy.

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