Sunday, July 30, 2006

where are those angels when you need them

Is it a crime to shoot your dad if you have a perfectly legitimate reason? My dad has a thing about label makers. Most guys have a thing about
naked women, but no, *my* dad has a label maker fetish.
And it's not bad enough that he buys label makers for himself, but he's bought one for everyone of my offspring "now that school is starting."
I said, "Dad. Kids DO NOT need label makers for school! They need crayons, paper, and backpacks with lots of pockets to hide their drugs."
Do you have any idea how pissed off I am RIGHT NOW?!
I got out of bed this morning and found labels on EVERYTHING. Poor Holly had so many "Mom's favorite offspring" labels
on her that I'm not sure if she's black or psychedelic in color. I found labels on my fridge, labels on my laptop, labels on my underwear.
And so help me God, if I have to pull one more "Mom's big fat ass" label off my behind,
I'm loading that gun and going to visit dad.

Overplayed Song O'The Day: Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover, Sophie B. Hawkins

Congratulate me. I've been Diet Pepsi free for three days now. Three long, incredibly horrible days...sigh.

I've decided that if I ever run out of shit to talk about, which doesn't seem likely at this point in time, I'm going to use that
lameass "I'm traveling" excuse that South has been giving for not updating for about two weeks now...
Speaking of South, I was watching some of Mike Straka's vids on the FOX website and one of them was about the AVN convention
and I KNOW that dude that did a little walk through was South. I had to freeze it and stare a few times, but I KNOW it was him.
He was wearing a black and white SouthPole type shirt.

OMG! FINALLY a show on the Food Network I can get behind: Ace of Cakes!!!!
Picture it: thirty minutes devoted entirely to CAKE.
It's like I died and went to Heaven. A Heaven made of chocolate cake and whipped cream icing, that is.

Speaking of the Food Network, Bugs got me watching that stupid Semi Homemade show and poor Holly is taking the brunt of said stupidity.
Now anytime I make something in the kitchen, I pretend I'm Sandra Lee and Holly is my captive audience.
And when I say "captive," I don't mean "interested".
I mean I hooked her leash around the kitchen table leg so she can't go anywhere.
In the morning, I'll say, "I'm going to pop this bread into the toaster and
in a few minutes, Holly, we are going to have deliciously browned toast! You are going to be so happy with this toast!
To go with my toast, I'm going to whip up a lucisious Vodka and Orange Juice chaser.
Orange Juice is very nutritious and what better way to start the day than by adding a dash of Vodka to it?
On second thought, let's skip that Orange Juice and drink the Vodka right out of the bottle." Glug, glug, glug. "Now let me show you my table scape."
BTW, what the HELL does "table scape" MEAN?! Table decor, yes. Table "scape," NO.
The dog just sits there looking at me like "WTF are you ON, lady?! Puhleeze. Let. Me. Loose."
Every time I watch that damn show, all I can think about is Stockard Channing's song in Grease, "Look at me, I'm Sandra Dee, lousy with virginity!"
Of course, mentally I change it to, "Look at me, I'm Sandra Lee, lousy with my cookery!"

I was watching a show on VH1, I guess it was, that clearly shows the disgusting double standard in Hollywood.
They were showing celebs like Jack Black and Danny DiVito, who have always had pot bellies.
Their comments were things like, "Jack Black looks like a real guy and that's why we like him," and they thought
Danny DiVito's belly made him look "cute" like a "teddy bear."
Well isn't that special? Yet even the emaciated women in Hollywood are badgered to lose more weight.

My uncle is visiting from Connecticut. I was talking my aunt, and she and I were discussing shampoo. Yes, we only discuss the deep subjects.
My uncle interjected--as he ALWAYS does when someone talks about hair--"I've never used anything but your grandma's shampoo on my hair."
That's great, except for the fact my uncle hasn't seen his hair since the 50's. Hell, I've never seen it. And he wears a HIDEOUS BLONDE toupee.
So hideous, in fact, that I can't believe my aunt allows him leave the house looking the way he does.
But I've decided she lets him look that way because wants him to look unattractive to other women. May I say that she is definitely achieving her objective?
But we never point out the fact that he has no hair. We all agree with him how great grandma's soap is for "his" "hair," and pretend we don't notice
that we've seen Bald Eagles with more on the top of their heads. It's a polite family thing. Like when my incredibly overweight aunt says, "If I keep eating
like this, I'm going to lose my girlish figure," we all laugh and pretend not to notice that "girlish" went out the winder years ago.

Now that she's married the former Brady brat, Mrs. Adrienne Former Brady Brat
said, "I'm a taken woman. It's all good. This is what I've waited for," all
through gritted teeth in that monotone voice of hers. Ahh, the excitment of married life.
Next season's My Fair Brady will focus on their constant marital fights, make up sex and more frequent visits to the therapist.
Pretty much the same as the previous two seasons but now they have that marriage license which makes it all official.

Speaking of celebrity marriages that will no doubt last forever, I see Pam Anderson is now Mrs. Kid Rock.
She chose well. Almost as well as the first time around. Some women never wise up to the fact that while bad boys
are fun to hang out with, they're shitty husband material.

Ok, the chick on Girls Next Door "practice stripping" in front of her mother was bad enough,
but to strip down to pasties and a thong in front of Dad is just plain sick. There are certain things parents
should NEVER have to see their kids doing: having sex, stripping and moving back home to live with the folks are just a few of them.

While the sheriff's office said Mel Gibson was arrested "without incident," he's apologizing all over the place
for his loud, belligerant behavior and rant about the Jews.
The press is, of course, making a huge deal over it, and questioning why the sheriff's department downplayed the whole thing.
Probably cuz it's nothing they haven't seen/heard a million times before. A drunk is a drunk is a drunk. He called one female deputy "sugar tits," and asked another deputy
if he was a "Jew" after saying the Jews were "responsible for all the wars in the world." My feeling is that his apology is bullshit and a public relations ploy. Once that tape gets released to the media, Gibson will look like a total asshole and he knows it, so he's going to try and clean up the mess ASAP.

I was watching Planes, Trains and Automobiles yesterday. I love the scene near the end of the movie where
Steve Martin and John Candy are stopped by the police officer. The cop--Lenny from
Shirley and Laverne--says, "What the hell are you driving?" and John Candy says, "Well, we had a little fire."
The entire car is burned out except for the seats and the frame.
LOL. I love that.

Some animal rights activist, aka spoil sport, anonymously emailed the folks behind the
dead eel toss and informed them that their fun was "disrespectful to dead eels,"
and threatened to secretly tape the event to call media attention to it.
So 30 years of tossing dead eels in Lyme Regis, England, has gone down the pooper--so to speak--when the event was cancelled.
I'm thinking if this person was such an eel lover, why not sign their name to the email? Why do it in a cowardly way?
It was probably that obnoxious GEICO gecko.
Apparently the men would toss 25 pound dead eels at each other trying to knock the other down like bowling pins.
Almost as exciting as the shin kicking event in Great Britain, huh?
Now, let us all have a moment of silent meditation for dead eels everywhere....

I like that advert on the FOXnews site that shows a sloppy teenager's room and says, "Can you spot the signs of drug use?"
Clothes are strewn everywhere and the room is in disarray, with open drawers and books everywhere.
Hell, all I know is that room looks exactly like MY bedroom. Natch, I couldn't find the drugs. Half the time, I can't find them in my room either.

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