Sunday, July 02, 2006

sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, and sometimes the blues get a hold of you

I'm hanging up my stalking shoes and my stalking pants.
My stalking days are definitely over, and I have one Mike South and the invention of the internet to blame.
South indulged me in my stupidities and the internet allowed me to become soft and lazy.
[Ok, excessive snacking allowed me to become soft and lazy.]

My gf wanted me to figure out what hours Officer K was working. Hey, not like I have a life, right?
Besides, she's heard the infamous stories of how I used to pretend to be The Girl From U.N.C.L.E. when I was a kid.
Armed with just a compact, lipstick and a cap gun, I used to flush out even the most notorious of "criminals" in the neighborhood.
(And when I say "criminals" I mean "smelly boys" and "recalcitrant cats".) No job was too tough for me.

Now in the past, I would have been all *over* this. I would have figured out Officer K's schedule
quickly using a combination of stealth, cunning and driving past the police station 55 thousand times a week.
THEN I'd compile a spread sheet. NOW the best I can do is tell her he's "on vacation."

She said, "You've been telling me that for the last three weeks!"

I said, "Oh, so now it's MY fault that Officer K is dedicated to his job and has accumulated
a LOT of vacation time, which his boss is now demanding he use up all at once?!"

She hesitated, then said, "Is that true, or are you making this up?"

I said, "That depends. Does it sound like something you might swallow?"

*Note to self: don't sound so eager next time when you ask that question!!*

Let's face it. I can't stalk anymore. Hell, I can't leave the trailer past 8 pm, lest Mr. G
think I'm running around "all hours of the night." And what excuse could I give? I mean seriously,
how many credit card bills do I have due that MUST BE mailed out at two o'clock in the morning?
I can get away with that one maybe twice a month. Not that I've ever used that excuse to run around at night. Just saying is all.
*whistles innocently*

I never thought I'd be saying this but, "You're on your own, T! I don't know what hours he's working."
Besides, I pride myself on the fact that NOT ONCE has a guy ever figured out that I've been following him.
Even when I've physically run smack into them while trying to find them.
I might not have quick feet,
but I do have a quick mind Lordy, I wouldn't want to think about how embarrassing it would be
to be "found out" by a cop. And he wouldn't be much of a cop if he couldn't figure out some
trailer trash chick is shadowing his every move, now would he? Let's face it, mine is not a body you quickly forget.
And sadly, I don't mean that in a good way.
So it looks like The Girl From U.N.C.L.E. is throwing away her compact.

P.S. If anybody knows what kind of shift Officer K is working, email me, will ya? I hate letting T down...

Well, *this* is totally cool! Guess who put MY little site in their list of links? Jimmy D!!
That's fab cuz I've always loved the way he writes.

I was watching one of those shows on VH1 where they were listing the top 20 most extravagant incidences of the rich and famous.
Mick Fleetwood spent over $8 million on cocaine in his lifetime, Sting spent like $12k for live Christmas tree, the Beckhams paid a butler to OPEN THEIR FRIGGIN' CHRISTMAS GIFTS and one guy said, "That's the holiday equivalent of paying someone to wipe your ass." LOL!
Elvis paid over 3k for his favorite sandwich. Get this--you take a loaf of homemade bread, hollow out the bread inside, slather on a jar of peanut butter, slather on a jar of jelly and add a POUND OF BACON!!! Is it any wonder this dude died long before his time?

I've been thinking about the offspring always complaining that I don't cook enough--
ok, that I don't cook at all. I think that if I had had Sandra Lee, host of Semi Homemade, as my teacher, I'd LOVE cooking.
She serves drinks with every meal, sometimes two different kinds of drinks, like booze with appetizers and booze with your meal.
Alcohol and hot grease--what a winning combo!!
If you haven't seen Semi Homemade--damn you, Bugs, for getting me started on this stupid show!!--it
consists of Sandra taking an already unhealthy food and making it even unhealthiER. This feat is usually achieved
by adding an entire bag of shredded cheese to the product and "popping it back into the oven."
If Sandra can't raise the bad cholesterol content by at least 35%, she hasn't done her job!
The really funny thing about Sandra's show is that it's followed by Rachel Ray's show.
Sandra is to Domino's sugar as Rachel is to vegetables.

I love that Lysol commercial where you see a small child sitting on the sidewalk eating a sandwich and you hear, "You
wouldn't let your child eat off the sidewalk." Oh yeah? Wouldn't we?

Yesterday on the way to work,
I heard, "Raindrops Keep Fallin' On My Head"
by BJ Thomas and I immediately thought of the bicycle scene from Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid...

Agnes writes: "Goddess, do you really give your children alcohol?"
Good grief, Agnes, what kind of a mother do you take me for?! Of course, I don't give my kids alcohol.
I make them work for the money to buy their own. "Give" it to them? Puhleeze. I'll never teach them any values
by handing them things.

I know Sunday morning radio is sad, but ....
On one station they carry local programming Sunday mornings, and they usually interview local authors or
doctors or people in charitable organizations. This past Sunday they interviewed a female doctor
on different female problems, such as urinary incontinence and profuse menstrual bleeding. My heart went
out to the male interviewer because his discomfort with the subject was palpable. And downright comical. For instance,
when they were talking about the operation for urinary incontinence, and the doctor said the hospital stay had been
eliminated, and it was just an outpatient thing now, the guy offered a rather lame, "Oooh, that's good."

Remember my Superman crazed co-worker? Now one of my other co-workers is Buffy crazed.
When they start to talk about their respective shows, it's like they're both speaking Greek.
And before you say ONE WORD, Zal, I'll have you know I have NEVER, EVER mentioned
liking COPS to my co-workers.
I'm too afraid some of their relatives have been featured on the show...

I love these lawmakers who feel the need to make something out of nothing to make themselves look good. House Majority Whip Roy Blunt is upset because of a PG rating garnered by a Christian themed movie. In a letter to MPAA Chairman Dan Glickman, Blunt writes: "This incident raises the disquieting possiblity that the MPAA considers exposure to Christian themes more dangerous for children than exposure to gratuitous sex and violence." I've read that the movie, about a football coach's faith in God, received the PG rating because of a discussion in the movie about pregnancy.

Speaking of politicians that don't make much sense, check out this statement from PA gub'nor hopeful,
Lynn Swann: "If I'm governor of Pennsylvania, I'm going to lead Pennsylvania where Pennsylvania wants to go."
Sounds like he's been attending the George W. Bush School of Political Nothingisms.

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