Saturday, July 01, 2006

in my dreams i'm dying all the time

I was reading letters online last night from kids talking about why their mother was "Mother of the Year."
Yes, that ever elusive award is TAUNTING me!! Oh and these are actual comments by actual kids.
Here are some of the things they said:
She helps me with my homework.
Just this past spring Male Offspring #6 and I worked on his science project together.
It was called "How Much Alcohol is Too Much Alcohol For A 9 Year Old?"
Oh and the answer is: three beers, two shots of whiskey and a half a bottle of rum.
Although to be fair, he hasn't had as much experience holding his liquor as my 12 year old.
My mom makes me lunch and supper.
That's bogus. Forcing them to cook for themselves teaches them to be independent. And self-reliant.
And it keeps me out of the kitchen and in front of the TV.
She gives me a bandaid.
Puhleeze. Telling them to "suck it up and walk it off" works just as well.
She gives me candy sometimes.
I give my kids candy sometimes, like at Halloween. As soon as I remove all the tainted Snickers, Milky Ways and
Three Muskateers bars, they can have all the rest of the crappy--I mean UNtainted candy.
She takes me to the park.
I take Male Offspring #8 to the park all the time. Sure I lose him there the majority of the time, but I take him!!
My mom lets me stay out late some nights. My mom kisses me at night and hugs me.
I let them stay out late! Hell, I haven't seen Male Offspring #2 for three days!
And I hug them all the time.....when I'm patting them down for drugs, alcohol and guns.
My mom is the best because she buys me trading cards.
Well I *tried* to get them interesting the COP trading cards but all the hotties in the deck kept disappearing!!
**whistles innocently**

My mom takes me to school.
Pffft. Ya sleep in 180 days a year and suddenly you're not "mother of the year" material.

NASCAR BITES!!! No COPS last night. If I didn't have that 18 hour COPS MARATHON
coming up on Tuesday, I'd be busy writing hate mail to the likes of Jeff Gordon and Michael Waltrip--who IS kinda hunky. btw--right now!

Here's a show I NEVER want to see running as a marathon again: Being Bobby Brown. I can only
take so much of that allegedly cracked out
Whitless alternately breaking into song and bitching her husband out. One minute she's climbing all
over him like a cat in heat, the next she's pissed because he's still breathing. And I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT HER PERIOD
or about her having to "take a dump." Bobby talking about how he had to pull a "turd" out of her when she was constipated? Oh, the glamorous lives of celebs. If THIS is what passes
for "entertainment" in "reality" tv, count. me. out. The only thing I DO like about the show? When Bobby has to explain to people who he is. They NEVER recognize him until he says the magic words "Whitney Houston's husband." BWAHAHAHAHA! Where is the dude's pride?!

Ouch. Apparently Boss #1 had it out with Overtime Hawg last week and she told her that if she doesn't straighten out, she's going to fire her.
Overtime Hawg called me fifteen minutes before I was supposed to leave on Thursday and asked me to work Friday for her so she could stay home with her dog, who had surgery three days prior.
While I sympathize with the dog--mostly for having to live with Overtime Hawg---O. H.'s sister lives with her
and does not work. There's no friggin' reason why they BOTH need to be home, sitting around watching the dog heal.
I told her no. I didn't really care if her dog was performing surgery at that point,
I was so damn fed up with her taking advantage of me all the time, I didn't care what her excuse was.
Well, Boss #2 was angry that she even asked me and she complained to Boss #1, who was just sick of it all. It seems O.H.
was also giving the phone number here at work to all of her FRIENDS and they were calling her during the day.
But what pisses Boss #1 the most is that O.H. is constantly calling her to talk. Now this is all kinda funny to me because about four months
ago, Boss #1 gave me this big song and dance about what a hard worker O.H. is. I knew that was a crock of shit.

If at first you don't succeed, just give up. That's my new motto.
Now when I leave the room for a few minutes, instead of saying
to Holly, "STAY! STAY! I'm coming RIGHT. BACK.", I said, "Why don't you follow me
and annoy the piss out of me?" So far it seems to be working rather well.

There was an article in the paper about churches using televsion to promote the Word of God and one priest said, "If St. Paul would
have had this technology..he certainly would have used it to spread the word of Jesus Christ." Would he really?
Or would he have used it to rag on Jesus and talk about how Jesus didn't get along with His Dad? And about
how His Dad booted Him out of Heaven first chance He got?

A bill has now been introduced into the Pennsylvania State House to repeal the optional helmets law for motorcycle riders.
It's just too damn bad it took an accident with a well known person for this to happen.
Of course some of the bikers are already bitching about their personal freedoms being taken away, and advocates of the bill say it doesn't have much of a chance of passing.
Just as there are responsibilities we have to deal with when it comes to driving a car, there are responsiblities that must be addressed when driving a motorcycle.
Wearing a helmet should be one of them, as is wearing a seat belt.

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